Need advice fast

won'tstoptrying53 · 05-07-2012, 07:10 AM

Been separated for 5 months. I suggested a Retrouvaille weekend retreat months ago. Last weekend she finally suggested we go. I found out that she also started to date a co-worker that same weekend. I confronted her on this, and told her the rules of the retreat: that you can't be involved with someone else. She says they are barely involved and she can still go on the retreat.

It's funny that she is so adamant about going now. When I discovered that she started dating this guy, I threatened divorce and she dug her heels in saying she wants the retreat and to see if we can try again.

My question: should I confront the co-worker and demand he step back? Would that do any good? Would that make matters worse. I know some of you are going to tell me to grow a pair.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts.

This is me · 05-07-2012, 10:14 AM

My thought is no. Do not confront the co-worker.

She needs to be the one committed to working on your marriage, not the other guy. She must understand she can not be half way in on the process. Any other relationship she is in at the same time while trying to work on the marriage is a cloud over the process and only a negative.

Almostrecovered · 05-07-2012, 10:18 AM

you can't earnestly work on a marriage when a third party gets involved

won'tstoptrying53 · 05-07-2012, 06:46 PM

Thanks for the advice, "This is me". I've been following your own thread, and that has helped me to be optimistic. I do have a question you might help me with. Many people on this site advocate the 180, going dark, etc. I really like the marriage guru Mort Fertel, who bassically says the opposite: that you give gifts, use touch and what he calls talk charges. They have been working for me to some extent, since my wife has taken divorce off the table. What do you think of these two extremes?

Shaggy · 05-07-2012, 06:49 PM

Don't waste time talking to the OM.

Your wife needs to decide if she is in or out. Having a second guy in the wings shows she's not in, she's just testing the water.
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This is me · 05-08-2012, 01:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by won'tstoptrying53

Thanks for the advice, "This is me". I've been following your own thread, and that has helped me to be optimistic. I do have a question you might help me with. Many people on this site advocate the 180, going dark, etc. I really like the marriage guru Mort Fertel, who bassically says the opposite: that you give gifts, use touch and what he calls talk charges. They have been working for me to some extent, since my wife has taken divorce off the table. What do you think of these two extremes?

That is a great question. I have been down both paths. I loved Morts book, but my Wife (at the time) did not. I think the timing may have been off for her and she was just not ready for thepro action ways Mort promotes. For me it backfired.

She was looking for space at the time and I was trying everything I could to fix it. In hindsight the book only stirred the pot. But I believe that was just her and the stage she was at that turned her off of Mort's way.

After she left I went 180 the best I could. I believe everyone needs to play around with what works best for them at the time. I never went full 180, but close enough. The benefits for me was helping me get stronger if I needed to move on with my life without her.

I wish you all the best. Stay positive!

lamaga · 05-08-2012, 04:41 PM

I say don't talk to the OM, this has nothing to do with him. This is between you and your wife.

completely_lost · 05-23-2012, 10:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by won'tstoptrying53

Been separated for 5 months. I suggested a Retrouvaille weekend retreat months ago. Last weekend she finally suggested we go. I found out that she also started to date a co-worker that same weekend. I confronted her on this, and told her the rules of the retreat: that you can't be involved with someone else. She says they are barely involved and she can still go on the retreat.

It's funny that she is so adamant about going now. When I discovered that she started dating this guy, I threatened divorce and she dug her heels in saying she wants the retreat and to see if we can try again.

My question: should I confront the co-worker and demand he step back? Would that do any good? Would that make matters worse. I know some of you are going to tell me to grow a pair.

I think she needs to tell him to back off, that would show some effort on her part.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts.

lulubelle · 07-01-2012, 12:40 AM

dont talk to om. i too trid mot first and it backfired and now trying nc. if shes willing to do the retreat i say go for it. just talk to her and let her know during this retreat the focus has to be on your relationship 100%. good luck and please let us know how it goes.