after months and months of silence i finally heard something (kinda). my father woke me up about two weeks ago to go to work. he said "i have some news for you you might want to know" i was scared but i said ok.
my father had a talk with my sister who works with my x. and she told her that she loves me but doesn't believe i can change. she has lost faith in me and only time will tell. she is holding to some kind of hope and she is not dating. she waits and wants me to focus on my issues and believes having no contact at all will make me stronger and mature. that she is showing me tuff love and wants me to love myself.
yes i feel happy my father told me but in a way I am maturing because I feel bad because they violated her trust. im sure this was not to get back to me. so all i can do is in the future if they have more news good or bad ill just not want to hear it.
this is the reason i love her. she is so strong that she refuses to accept me in any way rather than complety fixed. and i in turn will not lie to her or myself, i need more work but im getting better. many say they will change and fail, I will be one of the few that will. and admitting all my faults and that i am depressed was a start, and moving forward and finding new ways to bring my true self back is hard but i do it everyday. I guess word got back to her (not sure how because i talk to no one in her circle) about my changes.
i also know nothing is guaranteed and I have to prepare for everything. whatever the outcome I know that my effort is not going in vein. Im starting to see all my good qualities and starting to love myself again.
Yes I love her, i believe in our marriage, and i believe we are meant to be, and now honestly after so many years the important thing is I NOW BELIEVE IN MYSELF.
one day i hope she sees my beauty. but if not its ok cause I will. and even after divorce i remain, faithful, loving, honest, and caring, and those are traits that help me realize my value.
still a long way to go but ill get there.but im getting better.
no more gambling, no more tiredness lack of motivation, sadness, no more depression. its hard work but i stay focus. to any of you who are depressed for any reason (mine began because of my mother in law's death.) I love my ex so much that i became sad i couldnt bring her mother back . yeah its dumb but seeying her sadness affected me. you can beat it (depression), just dont give up. everyday try. try everyday. dont quit, you deserve better, wherever you go, there you are so try to love yourself.
something is better than nothing 
