ferndog

My ex wife surprised me in sept. saying it was best if I moved out for 2 weeks to my dads house because she needed space. I did not want to do this at all but she said if I love her that it was for the best. So I wrote her a letter saying I lover her that I was going to change (because I have issues , depression etc). I moved on a Monday then on Wednesday at 1 in the morning she sent me an email. The email asked for a divorce and said that I would not change and it would be best for both.

My head instantly was spinning, heart broken. Etc

I had a million questione. Was there another man ? Is someone in her ear? Etc

I called but she would keep it short and said she didn't love me.

I was so confused , why didn't she tell me or let me down easy? I mean this is my love of my life. I' had been with her since age 15. 21 years later I was still faithful.

Divorce came so fast she filed in 0ctober. And in a blink of an eye she was gone and I know nothing of her first hand.

So I cried and cried and when I stopped I decided to fix my issues. Why was I depressed? Why was I do unhappy? Then I slowly began to change. And now I'm in an ok place. I need more work still but I'm focused. I will finish school this year and begin to be financially stable.

My issues where the normal ones with depression, loneliness, unmotivated, distant.
I found the source of my problems. And am dealing with them

My sister works with my ex and I try not to talk to her because I do not want to get her in the middle.

We once talked in February. She text me and said that my ex wanted me out of the car insurance.
That if I could call and get my name out.

I began to think of my ex instantly. So I called my sister and expressed my feelings, my desires, my pain and concussion. I told her that I felt for some reason I can still win her back if I'm honest and deal with my issues and show that I did win my battle. I told her that my friends said for me to date but I was (and still am not) in any place to date. That I love her and dating someone else doesn't show that.

She simply replied something like this "yeah I think you might have a chance because it was all done to fast. And yeah I don't think you should date"

My father woke me up one day and said " I talked to your sister, she said EW still loves you and hopes you show your worth, that she is giving you time to see if you pull through that she is not dating but her or my sister do not want me to know because they feel I will stop growing and overcoming my issues"

This gave me hope but I still have a million questions

Like;
Why did you divorce me the way you did ? It was hurtful and cruel even if she doesn't care for me

Why did you not wait and see if I changed before this drastic step?

Etc

It's hard for me because it was so mentally damaging . It made me realize so much about myself worth and what I was doing wrong. And I am fixing myself. I feel I'm halfway there.

I'm just still lost about her though. Here we are 10 months later full of questions. Still missing her, loving her, holding on to hope. Believing and keeping my promise of marriage "for better or worse sickness and in health"

I know she is not dating still. But she vanished in an instant
And I asked my other sister "how can I ever turn my back on her or us, I'm not that type of person"

She said "do all you can for both of you, keep hope, and faith, love her and let her know when you are ready, you'll be strong enough to love her or let her go when you love yourself"

I know the time is not now. But I'll get there.

It's all the unanswered questions that bug me. Like if she was kidnapped and I wonder who or what why etc

Our last conversation (sometime in November) I asked her "ok as a friend then tell me why your leaving me like this? I feel like we're in a boat I get off and the boat leaves? Why did you leave why did you leave me here in the middle of the ocean?"
My ex replied crying "it's not that I don't love you it's that you won't change, you need to forget about me"

I'm not sure what this message is, I guess rambling/venting and being honest. Yup I don't know what happened.

She is the love of my life. I love her that's why I married her. Maybe she loves me too and that's why she divorced me, so I can show my worth?

She divorced me because she could live with an absent husband

Or she divorced me to see if I learn to swim in my own issues

I just need to stop thinking about it. And focus on myself.
Sorry all for this concussion. I wouldn't even post it. But since it's my feelings I might go back and reflect on it.
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ferndog

I didn't know where to post it but since I still have faith in us I posted it here. In reconciliation
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