Desperate - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
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post #136 of 1046 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 01:26 PM
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Re: Desperate

Well, I know nothing about that! My H does not turn up the thermostat unless he wants something. So do not listen to my advice if that is the case.


" Sex is good, sex is fine, doggy style or 69, just for fun or getting paid, everyone loves getting laid"
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post #137 of 1046 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 01:56 PM
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Re: Desperate

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Eeerrrrmmmmm

Yeah. I'm doing it again. Chill pill.
Yes I did just say that
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That's why we're here
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post #138 of 1046 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 02:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

Tracy.... yes. Conrad and I have talked before... I've regresssed a bit. There used to be cheese at the end of this maze as a reward. Times have changed
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post #139 of 1046 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 02:45 PM
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Re: Desperate

Well, I'm glad he got you back on track then

" Sex is good, sex is fine, doggy style or 69, just for fun or getting paid, everyone loves getting laid"
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post #140 of 1046 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 01:26 PM
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Re: Desperate

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Just got dealt another blow today. Maybe I'm just too sensitive like she tells me... but here it goes...
My wife is a big girl. Has been since we met, although when we met was the smallest she has ever been.
She's had 3 kids. She's 10 years older. But I still find her beautiful and sexy. I tell her that daily. She usually dismisses it.
She tells me from time to time that someone at her work or the store or whatever paid her a compliment, and she is obviously happy about that. When I tell her, she scowls.
I asked her about it this morning. She said it makes her feel uncomfortable when I give her compliments, and that I only do it because I have to.
All these years I've been telling her that I think she is beautiful and she doesn't like it, but she really likes it when she hears it from other people... male or female. Have I just been feeding this codependancy all this time?

The morning started off just fine, we were getting along pretty well... I made a comment that I was distracted because I have a beautiful woman on the phone, and she scoffed. That's when I asked her, that's when she told me she doesn't like it when I compliment her.

Am I being too sensitive or is this a problem?
Ugh, I'm in the same boat. Some of this I totally get, some of it I don't.

I GET that a compliment from me doesn't mean as much as a compliment from someone else, especially another guy. I don't have a problem with that at all. While I 100% mean every compliment I give my wife, she also knows that husbands are supposed to give compliments, and they can also be given with ulterior motives or without thought. Where as with someone else, they don't have any reason to compliment so it comes off as more genuine, or if they do have an ulterior motive (such as another guy who'd like to see if he has a chance with her) then that too is obviously flattering as well. After all, would an average woman like to receive 100 compliments from her husband or 1 compliment from her husband along with 99 compliments from 99 other guys throughout the day? I can't blame any woman for preferring the latter, and even as the husband I am not offended by that.

In a former post, you also described my wife's behavior to a T. Just doesn't want to be touched. Will accept hugs begrudgingly and without using her arms most of the time (the facial expression says, "Ugh, again? Can't you see I don't really want to hug you?") simple quick kisses on the lips but will try to turn her cheek to avoid it if she can, no cuddling (she'll even sleep on top of the sheet on our bed to avoid any possible skin-to-skin contact) and certainly no sex. Years ago she used to love my massages, shoulder and foot rubs but now she refuses them outright because she just doesn't want me touching her at all. It's better than it was six months ago, or even three years ago, but still incredibly frustrating.

Have you made any progress on that front? I've always told myself that as long as my relationship is getting better and not worse, I'll stick with it. So far, it's still on the upward track, but I just wish it were progressing faster.
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post #141 of 1046 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 01:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

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Ugh, I'm in the same boat. Some of this I totally get, some of it I don't.

I GET that a compliment from me doesn't mean as much as a compliment from someone else, especially another guy. I don't have a problem with that at all. While I 100% mean every compliment I give my wife, she also knows that husbands are supposed to give compliments, and they can also be given with ulterior motives or without thought. Where as with someone else, they don't have any reason to compliment so it comes off as more genuine, or if they do have an ulterior motive (such as another guy who'd like to see if he has a chance with her) then that too is obviously flattering as well. After all, would an average woman like to receive 100 compliments from her husband or 1 compliment from her husband along with 99 compliments from 99 other guys throughout the day? I can't blame any woman for preferring the latter, and even as the husband I am not offended by that.

In a former post, you also described my wife's behavior to a T. Just doesn't want to be touched. Will accept hugs begrudgingly and without using her arms most of the time (the facial expression says, "Ugh, again? Can't you see I don't really want to hug you?") simple quick kisses on the lips but will try to turn her cheek to avoid it if she can, no cuddling (she'll even sleep on top of the sheet on our bed to avoid any possible skin-to-skin contact) and certainly no sex. Years ago she used to love my massages, shoulder and foot rubs but now she refuses them outright because she just doesn't want me touching her at all. It's better than it was six months ago, or even three years ago, but still incredibly frustrating.

Have you made any progress on that front? I've always told myself that as long as my relationship is getting better and not worse, I'll stick with it. So far, it's still on the upward track, but I just wish it were progressing faster.
I read what Conrad posted to me... as a reminder. I'd suggest reading it too -
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post #142 of 1046 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 01:59 PM
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Re: Desperate

Oh I did. I liked the post he linked to as well. It's very, very good advice. As I understand it, the advice is to go cold. Ultimately cool down the relationship to a point where she feels cold as well and wants to warm it up a bit, and from there you can figure out what the median expectation will be.
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post #143 of 1046 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 02:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

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Oh I did. I liked the post he linked to as well. It's very, very good advice. As I understand it, the advice is to go cold. Ultimately cool down the relationship to a point where she feels cold as well and wants to warm it up a bit, and from there you can figure out what the median expectation will be.
I need to be cooling it down quite a bit as far as touching and sex. I did for 2 days and she came to bed only partially dressed... just enough to keep covered in case the kids got up... Which was a cue for me...
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post #144 of 1046 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 03:40 PM
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Re: Desperate

Wow. Well crap. Maybe I need to figure out a better way to go about this. I thought it meant to just stop angling for any kind of touch or relational intimacy. I still do all the normal things I do as far as chores, helping her out if she asks for it, doing the gentlemanly thing of helping her with bigger tasks, household stuff, etc. I guess I'm just not very good at determining where the line is.
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post #145 of 1046 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 04:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

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Wow. Well crap. Maybe I need to figure out a better way to go about this. I thought it meant to just stop angling for any kind of touch or relational intimacy. I still do all the normal things I do as far as chores, helping her out if she asks for it, doing the gentlemanly thing of helping her with bigger tasks, household stuff, etc. I guess I'm just not very good at determining where the line is.
Something I have thought about for myself...
Determine if you are in a codependant relationship...

Are you?

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post #146 of 1046 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 07:41 PM
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Re: Desperate

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Something I have thought about for myself...
Determine if you are in a codependant relationship...

Are you?
Codependents are always the last to know
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post #147 of 1046 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 07:42 PM
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Re: Desperate

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Wow. Well crap. Maybe I need to figure out a better way to go about this. I thought it meant to just stop angling for any kind of touch or relational intimacy. I still do all the normal things I do as far as chores, helping her out if she asks for it, doing the gentlemanly thing of helping her with bigger tasks, household stuff, etc. I guess I'm just not very good at determining where the line is.
Do you have interests that do not include her?
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post #148 of 1046 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 07:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

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Codependents are always the last to know
For years I thought I was just being a good, supportive guy... like the ones in the chick flicks... only more handsome... oh wait - that last part was an embellishment
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post #149 of 1046 (permalink) Old 12-23-2013, 08:21 PM
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Re: Desperate

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For years I thought I was just being a good, supportive guy... like the ones in the chick flicks... only more handsome... oh wait - that last part was an embellishment
Who's going to tell us?

The other people get whatever they want - AND the opportunity to blame us when it doesn't work out.

Of course, they aren't attracted to our weakness....

And, we eventually figure that out.

Well, at least some of us do.
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post #150 of 1046 (permalink) Old 12-24-2013, 06:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

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Who's going to tell us?

The other people get whatever they want - AND the opportunity to blame us when it doesn't work out.

Of course, they aren't attracted to our weakness....

And, we eventually figure that out.

Well, at least some of us do.
I AM figuring that out.
I think we're gonna be ok eventually. The journey is getting easier though.
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