Desperate - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 1046 (permalink) Old 07-30-2012, 09:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

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Hang tough, my man. It's even harder when children are present.
Well, because of my heart condition everyone feels it is best that I see them at her parents' house. She is always there. I appreciate being able to vent in here and have people listen. Thank you

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post #17 of 1046 (permalink) Old 07-30-2012, 05:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

Still get daily texts out of the blue telling me how much she wants a divorce.
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post #18 of 1046 (permalink) Old 07-31-2012, 06:11 AM
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Re: Desperate

Don't feed into them. Is this what you really want? Are you sure?

One thing I learned the hard way is that there's nothing but absolute negatives being spoken for awhile. Don't let them get to you.
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post #19 of 1046 (permalink) Old 07-31-2012, 06:17 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

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Don't feed into them. Is this what you really want? Are you sure?

One thing I learned the hard way is that there's nothing but absolute negatives being spoken for awhile. Don't let them get to you.
I don't want a divorce. From my perspective, there is nothing irreparable about our marriage. I am just trusting God to see us through this. But I want to have the foundations laid for a permenant change in my life while she is gone.
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post #20 of 1046 (permalink) Old 07-31-2012, 07:20 AM
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Re: Desperate

Then start with yourself. She may or may not follow. Keep strong. Keep your faith. Pray.

In the end, you are a better person.
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post #21 of 1046 (permalink) Old 07-31-2012, 07:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

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Then start with yourself. She may or may not follow. Keep strong. Keep your faith. Pray.

In the end, you are a better person.
When we split before, my main motivation was getting her back.
Not this time. My main motivation is serving Christ.
My 2nd priority is restoration...
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post #22 of 1046 (permalink) Old 07-31-2012, 08:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

All I want to do is stay in bed and cry like a baby. But, I get up, I pray, I work, I go to see the kids (at her parents' house, with her there) and I put on a sunny face. Then I come home and collapse. Yes, I cry like a baby too...
It's only been 2 weeks, but it seems like an eternity. It helps to come here and vent sometimes though.
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post #23 of 1046 (permalink) Old 07-31-2012, 10:41 PM
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Re: Desperate

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I don't want a divorce. From my perspective, there is nothing irreparable about our marriage. I am just trusting God to see us through this. But I want to have the foundations laid for a permenant change in my life while she is gone.
Unfortunately it's not up to you or to God, it's up to her.

Sounds like she's gone and all the praying and serving of Christ isn't going to change her mind.

Truth is, if she wants out, and you love this woman, then give her what she wants. For perhaps the first time in your marriage, do what SHE wants.

Even if it means losing her.
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post #24 of 1046 (permalink) Old 08-01-2012, 08:02 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

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Originally Posted by kindi View Post
Unfortunately it's not up to you or to God, it's up to her.

Sounds like she's gone and all the praying and serving of Christ isn't going to change her mind.

Truth is, if she wants out, and you love this woman, then give her what she wants. For perhaps the first time in your marriage, do what SHE wants.

Even if it means losing her.
What does God want? That's most important.
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post #25 of 1046 (permalink) Old 08-02-2012, 03:11 PM
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Re: Desperate

Sometimes addictions are dealbreakers.

Have you kicked your porn addiction?

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post #26 of 1046 (permalink) Old 08-02-2012, 03:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

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Sometimes addictions are dealbreakers.

Have you kicked your porn addiction?
There is no "cure" for addiction, but I am not a slave to it. It's something I have to decide not to go to it every day. Have I fallen into it? not in a long time.
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post #27 of 1046 (permalink) Old 08-04-2012, 09:23 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

Last night she text me and asked me why I gave her a dirty look. Then she asked if I wanted someone else (other than her) to take me to my surgery. I told her if she doesn't want to take me, she doesn't have to. She said I am not showing her any gratitude for taking the day off and finding someone to replace her. I told her thank you. She said she is sick of these crappy conversations, and we should go see our pastor (as a divorce mediator) asap. I told her that I have tried to have other conversations with her, but she always gets hateful. I'd talk to her but she doesn't want to talk. SHe replied that she gets hateful because she doesn't like who I became and doesn't like what she became when she was around me. I told her then after the surgery let's set an appointment to see the pastor.
Now, I don't think the pastor is going to condone divorce or play that role.

Any thoughts on my replies? I wanted to start telling her that I've changed... blah blah blah - you know, the empty words that she has heard before... but I'd rather let her SEE a change in me. Because if I am only changing to get her back, it won't last very long. I want to be a better man with or without her, but I prefer with. One other note... I was at their house yesterday. I was playing with the kids outside. My 5 year old daughter picked a dandelion and blew the seeds in the wind. She gave me one and told me to blow it and make a wish. I did. She told me that she wished for us to be a family again. How do I look that precious little girl in the eyes and tell her that mommy doesn't want that wish? I know what divorce does to kids. My dad has had 3 wives. My mom had 4 husbands. I was only 4 months old when my parents divorced. I know it brings out the worst in people, and the kids definitely don't want it. I don't want it. God doesn't want it. The only person that really wants it is my wife, even though her sister and friends just want her to be happy. Her family doesn't want it. But unless she changes her mind and agrees to MC, I can do nothing about it. Either way, I am making changes for me.
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post #28 of 1046 (permalink) Old 08-04-2012, 09:32 AM
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Re: Desperate

Remember when I said this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by kindi View Post
Unfortunately it's not up to you or to God, it's up to her.
You said it's all about what God wants.

Now look what you wrote.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mark72 View Post
the kids definitely don't want it. I don't want it. God doesn't want it. The only person that really wants it is my wife
I hate being right all the time.

She really wants it.

There's nothing you can do except accept and move on.
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post #29 of 1046 (permalink) Old 08-04-2012, 09:36 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

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Originally Posted by kindi View Post
Remember when I said this?



You said it's all about what God wants.

Now look what you wrote.



I hate being right all the time.

She really wants it.

There's nothing you can do except accept and move on.
Actually I asked what does God want?
There are things that can be done about it...
Yes, the choice is hers. Yes we are creatures of free will. I am making changes in my life whether she comes back to me or not. But I am not going to run to get a quick divorce just because she said she wants it right now.
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post #30 of 1046 (permalink) Old 08-15-2012, 09:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

Well, the heart surgery is done. I'm back home recovering. It's been a roller coaster. She took me to the surgery. It was not a pleasant trip, but it wasn't horrible. She was cold but cordial. After the surgery in ICU, she was there by my side. She held my hand and asked how I was doing. She had a different look in her eyes. My aunt wasn't too nice to her so she got upset about that. My dad and other aunt were friendly with her. My dad hugged her and said she is his daughter. I don't really remember most of that day as I was pretty drugged up.

The next day, Wednesday, she came to see me. Back to cold but cordial. She didn't come on Thursday. Friday, she took me to her parent's house. It was pretty rough. I decided on Saturday morning while she was out to ask her parents to take me home. (Her parents are wonderful and are supportive of reconciliation)

There was a bit of a change. She offered to come get me that night and I could stay there. We talked. I didn't beg or anything, nothing like that to look pathetic, but I told her I would like that. It was getting late so we decided to wait until Sunday. She picked me up that morning for church. Her parents sat between us. She was still a little cold.
Her dad took me home to rest while they had some other family members over. She came to pick me up a few hours later. We went to the store and got an air mattress for me to sleep on. After a couple hours there, she warmed up. She smiled at me. She was pleasant. It was a good day. We set up the air mattress in her room. SHe asked if I wanted to go upstairs and watch a movie with her. It was "Pride and Prejudice", a chick flick that I have no interest in watching. I happily accepted. We didn't really talk a lot, and when we did, it was pleasant. We didn't talk about the future or anything like that. I did say that it was a good day and I think it's good to take things one day at a time.
She took me home the next morning. SHe called from work to see if I would set up a meeting with the pastor for our MC. (She had agreed to ONE session of MC with the pastor before the surgery, but we couldn't get it scheduled). I was really happy about it.

I was to go over there at about 6:30 to see the kids. This is Monday... SHe called at 2:30 to see if I wanted her to pick me up so we could get the kids from the new daycare together and give me more time with them. I accepted. After we got the kids, she went back to cold. She said that she doesn't want to be nice anymore because it seems to be giving me false hope for a future. She said she doesn't want to grow old with me and doesn't want us raising the kids together. She wants to move on and get this over with. She doesn't want to find anyone else, she just wants to move on. It was a long painful 15 minute ride home. I didn't cry or beg, I just said ok.
The next day, the texts start up - that I just need to accept that we are done and only going to be friends. After 2 texts, she called. I didn't answer. After the 2 texts and the calls, I text her back that I don't feel like talking right now. When she got off work, she blew up my phone calling over and over. I finally answered and said I don't want to talk. She was furious about it. She really started digging to try to hurt me. I kept saying that I don't want to talk. She finally hung up. She started texting again. I told her I will talk to her Saturday (at MC with the pastor). She said something about not wanting to see the kids, and being selfish for not talking to her. The 4th or 5th text later, she said that my non-response was just confirmation of how selfish I am and only accomplishing a non-friendship after divorce. I text her back that said all she does is tell me how horrible I am and how much she hates me and I don't want to listed to it. She responded that she doesn't hate me but I need to give her the divorce.

That was the last communication with her.

Now her parents have been helping me out. I'm still not allowed to drive, her dad talks to me (he was a pastor for 20 years and is a great man) Her mom has a heart of gold and really wants us to get back together. It makes my wife so mad that they still talk to me and treat me like I am their son-in-law still.

She is the only one that wants a divorce. I don't. The kids don't. Her family doesn't. My family doesn't. I hate not seeing my kids, but we have not really been "separated" since she moved out a month ago.
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