Desperate - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 1083 (permalink) Old 08-15-2012, 01:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

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post #32 of 1083 (permalink) Old 08-15-2012, 01:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

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post #33 of 1083 (permalink) Old 08-17-2012, 01:19 AM
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Re: Desperate

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Quotes of MarkWhen we split before, my main motivation was getting her back.
Not this time. My main motivation is serving Christ.
My 2nd priority is restoration...

What does God want? That's most important.

But unless she changes her mind and agrees to MC, I can do nothing about it. Either way, I am making changes for me.

Yes, the choice is hers. Yes we are creatures of free will. I am making changes in my life whether she comes back to me or not.
Mark

If you mean what you wrote above and stick with it no matter what, then I think you have a great chance at a very good life. Your actions in the next months and years will determine your outcome.

If your wife takes her Christianity seriously then after a certain amount of time she will know hat God wants. God is very fond of grace and forgiveness. Just look at the actions God took to prove that!

Surround yourself with all the encouragement you can get from your faith


Hebrews 11:6
But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6
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post #34 of 1083 (permalink) Old 08-21-2012, 07:20 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

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Originally Posted by Mr Blunt View Post
Mark

If you mean what you wrote above and stick with it no matter what, then I think you have a great chance at a very good life. Your actions in the next months and years will determine your outcome.

If your wife takes her Christianity seriously then after a certain amount of time she will know hat God wants. God is very fond of grace and forgiveness. Just look at the actions God took to prove that!

Surround yourself with all the encouragement you can get from your faith


Hebrews 11:6
But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6
We started MC last week. 1st session was promising. It was with our pastor and his wife. 2nd session is next Monday.
Thank you for the encouragement. So much is going on right now! I appreciate it!
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post #35 of 1083 (permalink) Old 08-22-2012, 06:32 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

Getting to the point now where I am going to have to make a choice on putting the house up for sale or not. I can't afford it on my own. In this market it's worth 80% of what I owe. It's also a condo, so it won't sell quickly.
We are in MC and there is some hope of R, but the time frame we are looking at now doesn't allow for me to keep the house in the mean time.
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post #36 of 1083 (permalink) Old 08-25-2012, 07:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

Well, things were going better until yesterday. Had a setback. My old self came back. The pitiful bitter sulking Mark was there. She was snippy, I snapped back, and all the positives over the past few weeks were lost and back to "I want this to be over" and "I'm not going to MC".
When I'm alone at home, I still cry. It's been since July 14th that she left. It's tough to go out because I don't have the money for gas and to keep up the bills. It's tough to hang with friends because I am always sad. I try to be upbeat but I can't act for a long time. I don't find pleasure in the things I used to like to do. I dusted myself off and went for a good walk today, since the doctor told me I can't do any real exercise only 2 1/2 weeks after the bypass surgery. But I went for a walk an d felt a little better. Then I got a nasty text from her and I went back to tears again.
I know I am a pathetic excuse for a man. I'd like to wave a magic wand and make the changes in me instant, but I can't. I am relearning everything all over again.

I just hate feeling like this. I hate going into the kids rooms and seeing them empty and sobbing like a baby. I can usually put on the strong front when I'm in front of her (yesterday excluded) but when I get home all I can do is break down.

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post #37 of 1083 (permalink) Old 08-26-2012, 07:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

Well, to my surprise, W showed up to MC today, even though she assured me that she wouldn't be there.

No R right now, but she is open and willing to take the steps we both need to take.

I need to continue on the path of self-improvement I am on, and not go back to the man that she started to hate.
I also need to resist the urge to reach out too fast and lose all the momentum we gained today.

I cried true tears of joy for the first time in my life when I pulled into the church and she was there.
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post #38 of 1083 (permalink) Old 08-31-2012, 06:54 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

Geez this thing is a freakin roller coaster ride. Up and down... I keep moving forward, she keeps waivering back and forth. I read No More Mr Nice Guy. It scared the hell out of me because it's like a biography of me.

It is tough to know WHEN and HOW to set boundaries when I've never really done it before. Just more and more of myself that I didn't really see that came to light over the past 6 weeks.

Kinda hard to take all at once like this. But I am still moving forward.
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post #39 of 1083 (permalink) Old 08-31-2012, 12:37 PM
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Re: Desperate

You sound to be on the right path. Manning up will make a world of difference. I can tell you my turning point which got her attention was when I accepted that I might have to move on.

She left me for 4 months but agreed to MC and IC. After the 3rd month of limboland and mixed signals of how committed she was to the process, I told her we were either taking steps with her moving back on the weekends to full R or we need to divorce and divide the assets so I can move on with my life.

She took the first choice with a little resistance. Now back 5 months and steadily keeps getting better.

Patience is the key.

Best wishes to you.


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Don't Give Up! Patience.


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post #40 of 1083 (permalink) Old 08-31-2012, 01:02 PM
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Re: Desperate

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Originally Posted by Mark72 View Post
Well, things were going better until yesterday. Had a setback. My old self came back. The pitiful bitter sulking Mark was there. She was snippy, I snapped back, and all the positives over the past few weeks were lost and back to "I want this to be over" and "I'm not going to MC".
When I'm alone at home, I still cry. It's been since July 14th that she left. It's tough to go out because I don't have the money for gas and to keep up the bills. It's tough to hang with friends because I am always sad. I try to be upbeat but I can't act for a long time. I don't find pleasure in the things I used to like to do. I dusted myself off and went for a good walk today, since the doctor told me I can't do any real exercise only 2 1/2 weeks after the bypass surgery. But I went for a walk an d felt a little better. Then I got a nasty text from her and I went back to tears again.
I know I am a pathetic excuse for a man. I'd like to wave a magic wand and make the changes in me instant, but I can't. I am relearning everything all over again.

I just hate feeling like this. I hate going into the kids rooms and seeing them empty and sobbing like a baby. I can usually put on the strong front when I'm in front of her (yesterday excluded) but when I get home all I can do is break down.


You are not perfect and should not even expect to be. No matter what happens between the two of you, you will screw up, make mistakes etc till the day you die. So don't feel like you have to be someone you are not. Sounds like your focus is on her more than God. If it is in his plan, you will end up back together. Just focus on you and keep praying.

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post #41 of 1083 (permalink) Old 08-31-2012, 01:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

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Originally Posted by This is me View Post
You sound to be on the right path. Manning up will make a world of difference. I can tell you my turning point which got her attention was when I accepted that I might have to move on.

She left me for 4 months but agreed to MC and IC. After the 3rd month of limboland and mixed signals of how committed she was to the process, I told her we were either taking steps with her moving back on the weekends to full R or we need to divorce and divide the assets so I can move on with my life.

She took the first choice with a little resistance. Now back 5 months and steadily keeps getting better.

Patience is the key.

Best wishes to you.
Thanks for the reply... I am looking at the scales - one side she was there for me during my surgery, and she has gone to 2 MC sessions (after she said no way) She also backed off emminant divorce and is now at "likely" divorce.

On the other side, she has been hateful when she talks to me. I stopped telling her I love her all the time... the other night as I was leaving to go home I said it... kinda slipped out. She gave me a disgusted look.

She is talking about a 6 month probation period. Meanwhile, I am not able to afford the house. She instantly said "Sell it"... I explained the implications of a short sale, she was pretty closed.
She is running and quitting on the house and the marriage right now. There is a lot of stress that we have gone through this year that just adds to it. I can only deal with what I can change. That's me and my attitutes/actions.
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post #42 of 1083 (permalink) Old 08-31-2012, 01:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

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Originally Posted by MSC71 View Post
You are not perfect and should not even expect to be. No matter what happens between the two of you, you will screw up, make mistakes etc till the day you die. So don't feel like you have to be someone you are not. Sounds like your focus is on her more than God. If it is in his plan, you will end up back together. Just focus on you and keep praying.
I know I won't be perfect. THe pain is just getting old!
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post #43 of 1083 (permalink) Old 08-31-2012, 02:27 PM
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Re: Desperate

Hang in there Mark. The situation with my W has been up and down too. Me pursuing resulting in her pulling away. When I stopped, there was a fews days/week where she started pursuing me and inviting me to things. I got impatient that things weren't moving steadily forward, and started "us" talk again, which at one point resulted in a big fight because I wouldn't just walk away. And that has set us back to 0 again...and pushed her closer to another guy. That was a week ago and things haven't been the same since. We only talk about our son now. No more coffee breaks, invites, or hanging out. Now I wish I was back in last week and kept my patience.

But it's move on time for me. I think you must do this as well. That doesn't mean you have to give up on your marriage. It just means you have to step back from trying to fix it right now, and fix yourself first. That's the only thing you can control right now. Her anger and resentment will not let even an ounce of your pleading get to her heart. It will only backfire.

So back off a bit, do good for yourself, and be friendly with her when you do have contact. But just friendly. Friendly and happy as if you were just meeting her again for the first time. I was doing this and that is what lead my W to start inviting me to things. It didn't mean she was wanting to get back together...but she was setting aside the anger and having conversations and enjoying talking to each other which is obviously a huge positive step. The key is to not get impatient when that happens, which is very hard to do.

If she is being cordial now, just keep it up. Don't set expectations for how you think she SHOULD react to you...because they will NOT be met, and you will react to that.

Understand, that she is not going to just change her mind in a day because you smiled for a few hours. It took her a long time worth of inaction to get her to this point, it's going to take a long time of your action for her to let the anger subside and start seeing you in an emotionally neutral way. And right now she's just itching for you to make a mistake so she can prove herself right. So try not to, but don't give up if you do.
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post #44 of 1083 (permalink) Old 09-10-2012, 03:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

Things have taken a turn for the better. We are getting along pretty well, and the talk of D is over, the R hasn't happened yet but it is happening. Yeah, the pace is a little slow for me, but she is opening up quite a bit. I am going to IC tomorrow, and we are going to MC on Thursday, same psychologist - recommended by our pastor. Still not holding hands, telling me she loves me, etc. But she is showing an interest in seeing me. I am in the "friend zone" right now but it doesn't look permanent.

I put the house on the market, and it is painful to pack up boxes. Even though all signs point to R, it looks like our home is going. My son doesn't know any other place, my daughter probably doesn't remember any other place. Now, they know her parents' house as "home".
I think that if we come back stronger than before, and the MC and IC impact us like I hope it does, I can live in a basement or a box with my family as long as we are together.
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post #45 of 1083 (permalink) Old 09-14-2012, 12:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

Well, yesterday hit me like a ton of bricks. After a week and a half of things looking up, something triggered the anger and fear in her again. She went back to ice cold, "I dont feel anything for you".

The counselor also didn't help things much. He talked more about himself than us
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