Desperate - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 1046 (permalink) Old 09-14-2012, 12:42 PM
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Re: Desperate

It is a roller coaster. Patience is the key. If you can keep your focus on yourself and bettering yourself, you can't lose. Hard to believe but true. You can't control her, so whether it works or doesn't you will be in a better place.

You can always change counselors. Our first one never felt right and actually did more damage than help. In hindsight he had internal issue of his own and brought them into our sessions.

Our second one was much better, grounded and we both liked, which is very important.

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post #47 of 1046 (permalink) Old 09-14-2012, 12:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

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It is a roller coaster. Patience is the key. If you can keep your focus on yourself and bettering yourself, you can't lose. Hard to believe but true. You can't control her, so whether it works or doesn't you will be in a better place.

You can always change counselors. Our first one never felt right and actually did more damage than help. In hindsight he had internal issue of his own and brought them into our sessions.

Our second one was much better, grounded and we both liked, which is very important.
Yeah, I am still focused on that. I went up and talked to her after I put the kids to bed. SHe started the conversation with, "How do I know these changes you've made are real? How do I know you won't go back to the same old Mark?"

I had to answer. It was a 10 minute pure, honest, emotional response. She heard it. All she said was "I've heard this all before." I responded that she hasn't... I aknowledged that I gave her a speech last time we separated just to get her back, but I am becomming a better man for me. Then I left.
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post #48 of 1046 (permalink) Old 09-14-2012, 04:01 PM
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Re: Desperate

I think it is good that you left her with the changes to be better are for you.

You know the thing is, she needs to change too. My Wife was over with me, saw no hope, wanted me to change, and in hindsight, I needed to change, but she did too. Dare I say maybe she needed to change more?

Time will tell in any relationship, and all you can do is be the best you with or without her. Let her see the best you is all you can do.

All the best to you!!!
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post #49 of 1046 (permalink) Old 09-15-2012, 07:21 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

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I think it is good that you left her with the changes to be better are for you.

You know the thing is, she needs to change too. My Wife was over with me, saw no hope, wanted me to change, and in hindsight, I needed to change, but she did too. Dare I say maybe she needed to change more?

Time will tell in any relationship, and all you can do is be the best you with or without her. Let her see the best you is all you can do.

All the best to you!!!
She knows there are changes on both sides. I can only work on mine. Thanks for replying! Helps a bit with the nerves to talk about it.
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post #50 of 1046 (permalink) Old 09-17-2012, 03:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

Wow this rollercoaster hurts.
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post #51 of 1046 (permalink) Old 09-17-2012, 03:40 PM
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Re: Desperate

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Wow this rollercoaster hurts.
I hear ya! I think of how low I got during the period when she left and put us in limboland. Wow it was painful!

Hang in there. There are better days ahead. Trust me.

I wish you well!
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post #52 of 1046 (permalink) Old 09-17-2012, 03:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

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I hear ya! I think of how low I got during the period when she left and put us in limboland. Wow it was painful!

Hang in there. There are better days ahead. Trust me.

I wish you well!
I don't have the strength to do 180, NMMNG, etc. I can barely bring myself to work or do anything around the house.
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post #53 of 1046 (permalink) Old 09-17-2012, 04:12 PM
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Re: Desperate

Set small goals. Today I am going to do three things for myself.

I remember treating myself to Starbucks....gets expensive everyday for this frugal guy, but I needed to show myself I was worth it.

Do you have support, people who will take the call to help you sort through things?

I was fortunate to have about 10 people who shared the burden of my calls. It helped.

Do your best....
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post #54 of 1046 (permalink) Old 09-17-2012, 04:56 PM
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Re: Desperate

The fact that she is listening to you and asking you questions about your changes are a good sign Mark. She has reason to believe the changes aren't real...very good reasons in fact. Because you've shown in the past that they weren't.

I'm in the exact same boat.

Keep the changes going, don't rush anything. Patience. She's going to need to see these changes are real and permanent before she'll even consider anything. Words won't work at this point.

Our situations sound pretty similar. I wish you strength. PM me if you ever need to chat.
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post #55 of 1046 (permalink) Old 09-17-2012, 05:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

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The fact that she is listening to you and asking you questions about your changes are a good sign Mark. She has reason to believe the changes aren't real...very good reasons in fact. Because you've shown in the past that they weren't.

I'm in the exact same boat.

Keep the changes going, don't rush anything. Patience. She's going to need to see these changes are real and permanent before she'll even consider anything. Words won't work at this point.

Our situations sound pretty similar. I wish you strength. PM me if you ever need to chat.
Well it all started with rushing things yesterday. I invited her to dinner just the two of us at (our) place. She said it is my place... well the defenses went up. I tried to "fix" it and caused more damage. She is back to very cold and mean, ILYBINILWY, things like that.
I also said something right as I was leaving that was pretty rotten. I let the pain and frustration get to me...
I am working late the next few nights so I won't be over to see the kids. I did text her to apologize, I can only take responsibility for my own actions. Right or wrong, I let her know that I was sorry for pushing and saying what I said.

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post #56 of 1046 (permalink) Old 09-17-2012, 05:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

Anyway - inviting her to dinner was the rush part. We've been to counseling with the pastor and 1 MC session (didn't go well - she didn't like him at all)
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post #57 of 1046 (permalink) Old 09-17-2012, 05:21 PM
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Re: Desperate

I dunno all the details of your situation, but relationship talk was a sure thing to guarantee a fight with my W. She didn't want to talk about getting back together...she was done. But earlier on, I couldn't help myself sometimes.

Since I've stopped, she's become much more approachable. We go out now for lunch sometimes, and just go about it as friends. So relationship talk. The odd time we'll reference something in the relationship, but just smile about it and continue on.

Just reconnecting on a friend level seems to be a good first step. IF she is anything like my W, then she has a LOT of anger and resentment built up, and small triggers will unleash that. The more positive, non-stressful moments you have with her, the more that anger will subside bit by bit.

It's going to take a while. It's been almost 7 weeks since I moved out. We haven't had a fight in probably 3-4 weeks...well, since the last time I pathetically started falling apart about the relationship.

Without knowing more, I don't want to give too specific of advice. But do not add unnecessary stress into the moments you have with her. "Soften" her spirit from the pain and anger she has. That's step one. Fighting with her only intensifies that.
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post #58 of 1046 (permalink) Old 09-17-2012, 05:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

Most of the story is in this thread...
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post #59 of 1046 (permalink) Old 09-17-2012, 05:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

Things were starting to get better. Since Thursday, it's been up and down. I'm back to being miserable.
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post #60 of 1046 (permalink) Old 09-17-2012, 05:28 PM
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Re: Desperate

The first reaction for us dumpees is to try and get it fixed NOW! We fear that with every day that goes by, is another step she takes away from us. So we try to fix things so fast...invite her to dinner, create moments together, tell them we've changed, etc.

At some point, you realize none of that works and it's only hurting your cause.

I still get the odd moment where I'm afraid to not talk to her for a few days/week because that's so looooong of a time...haha.

But then I sometimes and sit back and realize how much work I need to still do on myself. And that's probably at least a couple months worth of work. And where will she be in 2 months? Will she be gone forever in 2 months, never to see her again? No. we'll forever have contact because of the child. So maybe time is on our side?

We don't need to rush and fix it right this second. It would be nice if we could...but it's not going to happen right now.

I'm not at my best yet. Neither are you. We need to get there so we actually have something to offer.
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