Desperate - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 1077 (permalink) Old 09-17-2012, 05:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

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The first reaction for us dumpees is to try and get it fixed NOW! We fear that with every day that goes by, is another step she takes away from us. So we try to fix things so fast...invite her to dinner, create moments together, tell them we've changed, etc.

At some point, you realize none of that works and it's only hurting your cause.

I still get the odd moment where I'm afraid to not talk to her for a few days/week because that's so looooong of a time...haha.

But then I sometimes and sit back and realize how much work I need to still do on myself. And that's probably at least a couple months worth of work. And where will she be in 2 months? Will she be gone forever in 2 months, never to see her again? No. we'll forever have contact because of the child. So maybe time is on our side?

We don't need to rush and fix it right this second. It would be nice if we could...but it's not going to happen right now.

I'm not at my best yet. Neither are you. We need to get there so we actually have something to offer.
Mentally, I KNOW it's not going to happen overnight... But... pain relief, or the hope thereof, makes me forget pretty quickly...

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post #62 of 1077 (permalink) Old 09-17-2012, 05:44 PM
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Re: Desperate

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Mentally, I KNOW it's not going to happen overnight... But... pain relief, or the hope thereof, makes me forget pretty quickly...
I hear ya man.

But we need to work on ourselves. There is no doubt in my mind that me at my best, was, and will be again, attractive to my W. Will it be too late by then? Maybe. Will I still be interested? Maybe. Will she want me back? Maybe, maybe not.

It's tough. More difficult than anything.

I find what has helped me recently, is any time I start thinking of her or us, I just immediately for myself to think of something else or do something else as fast as possible. Change the thought subject so you don't get deeper into that depressing though.

It's also empowering to choose NOT to contact her for a day or two (if you're used to doing it every day).
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post #63 of 1077 (permalink) Old 09-17-2012, 07:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

Bomb just dropped. She just text me to tell me she is going to file and doesn't want to do MC anymore.
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post #64 of 1077 (permalink) Old 09-18-2012, 12:45 PM
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Re: Desperate

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Bomb just dropped. She just text me to tell me she is going to file and doesn't want to do MC anymore.
hope you didn't reply trying to change her mind, or make her feel bad. If anything don't reply. If you do keep it short, like "okay".

seems like you have based your happiness on the outcome of your marriage. When things are going good you are hopeful and happy. When things are bad you are down and depressed. I hate to tell you, but she won't want to be with you or anyone else that is like that. You HAVE to focus on yourself and find out how to be happy alone. If you don't, she will never come back. If you do, she may or may not notice, but the end result is you will be happy.
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post #65 of 1077 (permalink) Old 09-18-2012, 04:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

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hope you didn't reply trying to change her mind, or make her feel bad. If anything don't reply. If you do keep it short, like "okay".

seems like you have based your happiness on the outcome of your marriage. When things are going good you are hopeful and happy. When things are bad you are down and depressed. I hate to tell you, but she won't want to be with you or anyone else that is like that. You HAVE to focus on yourself and find out how to be happy alone. If you don't, she will never come back. If you do, she may or may not notice, but the end result is you will be happy.
While I understand this, it is just very difficult to pretend to be happy when I am miserable. I can put on my game face in front of her when I go to see the kids, but I can't just be happy...
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post #66 of 1077 (permalink) Old 09-19-2012, 01:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

I'm still in my typical state of confusion/lonliness/anxiety.
I am going after work to see the kids. I set a MC appointment with a new C but not sure if she will agree to go. I will go either way. I'll test the water to see if I should bring it up or not when I get there.

I guess, in addition to focusing on myself, focus more on being a dad and not rushing the R. To me, the friend zone is ok temporarily. Not forever...
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post #67 of 1077 (permalink) Old 09-22-2012, 06:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

Strange night last night...
I was at the in-laws last night, as usual. She was being very nice - playful, stealing my pizza and taking bites and putting it back - things that she hasn't done since well before the S.
We watched a movie with her parents and our kids. I put them to bed and then we watched a movie in her room - like it has been the past couple weeks.
Well - last night I could tell something was different.
I scratched her back, rubbed her feet (yeah I'm a sucker).
But there was some tension... we were both feeling the itch.
I started rubbing her belly a bit. I looked at her and told her I don't want to leave but it's probably best. She asked "Why leave?" I kissed her, she kissed me back. We started messing around a bit. We didn't have sex, but we were playing around.
While I did want to, I knew that it wasn't quite the right time. And as I thought, she recoiled a bit. She felt exposed and vulnerable and put the wall back up. She wasn't mean or hateful about it but I can tell she was pretty uncomfortable, and can tell that she let her feelings out of the bag before she was ready. She still isn't wearing her wedding ring, or telling me she loves me. She just asked me to go home before it escalated, and it probably would have. I guess I woke her parents up when I left because her mother text me and told me she was crying...
The strange thing is, I am starting to understand how she is thinking. Not that I think the same way or anything, but things are clicking in my head a bit...
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post #68 of 1077 (permalink) Old 09-22-2012, 09:26 AM
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Re: Desperate

Wow...that's an interesting night. That kiss must have felt incredible. She is clearly not ready to move on, especially when she asked why leave. Hope things continue for you man. I'm jealous.
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post #69 of 1077 (permalink) Old 09-22-2012, 09:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

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Wow...that's an interesting night. That kiss must have felt incredible. She is clearly not ready to move on, especially when she asked why leave. Hope things continue for you man. I'm jealous.
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She said, "Why leave?" because she missed our "alone time".
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post #70 of 1077 (permalink) Old 09-22-2012, 09:47 AM
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Re: Desperate

Yes, that must have been nice.

My W and I have no problem going for lunch or a drink together and things are friendly and we have fun, but no intimate moments like that. Closest thing was a foot massage I gave her last weekend which I initiated and she didn't stop me, but hasnt led to anything.

So what now for you?
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post #71 of 1077 (permalink) Old 09-22-2012, 09:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

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Yes, that must have been nice.

My W and I have no problem going for lunch or a drink together and things are friendly and we have fun, but no intimate moments like that. Closest thing was a foot massage I gave her last weekend which I initiated and she didn't stop me, but hasnt led to anything.

So what now for you?
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Funny thing is... she had been very nice to me all day. Playful and everything. She was studying for a test and I just sat down at the foot of her bed and started rubbing her feet. She had stopped me a few times a few weeks ago.
After I stopped, I laid down next to her. She wouldn't hold my hand... but... it was like she was wanting sex without the intimacy - something she had claimed she was upset with me about in the past...
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post #72 of 1077 (permalink) Old 09-24-2012, 12:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

She told me tonight that she never stopped loving me.
She also TECHNICALLY told me ILYBINILWY but more in the way of starting to fall in love with me again... Her guard is still up but headway is still being made.
She was very interested in a house for rent, 3 bedroom, for all of us. She is not interested in going back to our home - it's still up for sale.
I don't know - pretty confused still. Still lonely at home. I am working late the next 2 days so it will be Wednesday before I will see them again.

She also told me that her sister and sister-in-law both hate me. They are both telling her not to go back to me. The sister-in-law actually begged her.
Makes me wonder what was actually said to these two. The sister-in-law hides her feelings pretty well. She has always been nice to me, but I was told today that she has hated me from the beginning.

My mother-in-law has started taking my side and speaking in my defense rather boldly to her own daughter and to her daughter-in-law. I don't like that this has caused friction between her and her daughter, but it's refreshing to know that I am not as big a monster as some would believe me to be.

[/rant]
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post #73 of 1077 (permalink) Old 09-24-2012, 12:21 AM
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Hi.
I've been married for 7.5 years. We've had ups and downs. We are both pretty stubborn. I have a porn addiction. 3 years ago she kicked me out because of it. It was while she was staying in the hospital with complications prior to the birth of our son. Yeah.

I was out for about 2 weeks. It wasn't until after he was born a month later that we started to rekindle. It was really never the same. I was trying to make it a contest. She is kinda bossy, and I wanted to make sure I was the boss. It didn't work. I also tried to bring the porn into the bedroom. Not literally, at first. But I wanted her to do more and more weird things. A few weeks ago, I dropped a hint that I wanted her to watch porn also. It didn't go over too well. I stopped using it but I was looking for an excuse. Not the model Christian I should have been. I talked a good talk but that's it.
I have also been using sales tactics to manipulate her. She's heard enough pitches to be immune.
Anyway, we got into an argument that lasted a week. Finally I gave her an ultimatum. Support me in my medical time of need, or stay with your parents for a few days. She protested, but I pushed and pushed and pushed. She left. That was Saturday.
Now, she wants a divorce and is relentless to get it done now. I don't want one.
I took a look at everything and with the time alone, time to reflect, I see where I went wrong. I didn't put her before me, and I didn't put God in the center of our marriage. I know this isn't a Christian site, but these are my values, even if I forgot them for a while. She fell in love with me, but fell back out.

She's been sending me very nasty texts out of anger. I know they are angry. But they are really hurtful and it's tough to take. I know this is mostly my fault, and I only skimmed the surface of the issues, but I included the major stuff. Both of us have issues but I should have been a different man.
Really hoping for a reconciliation, but not until I have made some changes in me.
Not enough info
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post #74 of 1077 (permalink) Old 09-25-2012, 03:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

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Not enough info
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Did you read the whole thread? What else would you like to know?
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post #75 of 1077 (permalink) Old 09-25-2012, 10:17 PM
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Re: Desperate

Do you like chicken and corn?
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