Desperate - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
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post #121 of 1046 (permalink) Old 09-17-2013, 06:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

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By the way, what did you think of my "sexual vacation" idea from above? I seriously think she would be floored by such a suggestion!
A) I am a recovering porn addict. Yes, I quit. No I am not free of it. I never will be. The dopamine rush was a thrill and instead of using a needle or straw to get my drug, I got it from my own body by causing a chemical reaction to release it. I have sought accountability with filters set by a church member.

B) I won't even attempt that. 3-6 months of not expressing interest in sex? I know my limitations.

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post #122 of 1046 (permalink) Old 09-17-2013, 08:23 PM
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Re: Desperate

Mark, you guys have been through so much together you have given it everything you have got that has to be commended in itself. You have children together, have lost a house and are trying to rebuild again as a family. When a woman has a child there are a lot of chemical reactions in her body, she may not feel sexy the hormones are still trying to regulate and so on you know what I mean. You shouldn't take it that she doesn't want anything to do with you. Are you having date nights as just a couple, are you doing couple things together, a woman needs to feel safe and that is your job so that she can open up to you and off course that goes both ways. Wouldn't she appreciate back rubs, or foot rubs or other intimacy that doesn't have to include full sex? Do you put your arms around her when she as the sink doing dishes from behind? There are so many things that women need and there are no text books given to men or women before they get married only self help books after the damage is done lol! I think that once you make her feel safe she will reciprocate to you, it will take patience on your part. Oh! and the past is the past live in the present.
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post #123 of 1046 (permalink) Old 09-18-2013, 09:19 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

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Mark, you guys have been through so much together you have given it everything you have got that has to be commended in itself. You have children together, have lost a house and are trying to rebuild again as a family. When a woman has a child there are a lot of chemical reactions in her body, she may not feel sexy the hormones are still trying to regulate and so on you know what I mean. You shouldn't take it that she doesn't want anything to do with you. Are you having date nights as just a couple, are you doing couple things together, a woman needs to feel safe and that is your job so that she can open up to you and off course that goes both ways. Wouldn't she appreciate back rubs, or foot rubs or other intimacy that doesn't have to include full sex? Do you put your arms around her when she as the sink doing dishes from behind? There are so many things that women need and there are no text books given to men or women before they get married only self help books after the damage is done lol! I think that once you make her feel safe she will reciprocate to you, it will take patience on your part. Oh! and the past is the past live in the present.
It's funny that you mention a few of those things. The only time it seems that she is ok with me touching her is when I am rubbing her feet/back/etc. I have even been making the point of telling her in the past few days "I don't expect anything from this, I just want you to know that I love you".
When I come up behind her and hug her she gets angry. When I try to give her a goodbye kiss, she winces and turns her cheek to me.

If I knew what her needs were, it would be great because she will not tell me. She only seems content when we are living as room mates - no intimacy, no real communication about each other, no physical contact unless I am massaging her. The mention of sex or any innuendo gets a response similar to an old woman overhearing a sexually explicit conversation in a grocery store... a disgusted "Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" look.

I can only come to the conclusion that she either doesn't know or doesn't care how important these things are to me and what it does to me. It's not like this just started at the end of the pregnancy. Now it's just at its worst. The intimacy has been decreasing drastically since the miscarriage in January 2012. She doesn't see it. She won't go to counseling. She won't talk to me about it. She isn't leaving me. It's like she is content with both of us being miserable.

Life is too short for that. I am going to make sure I have done everything I can before I decide to leave. I don't want to break up the family. Funny - this time last year - I was at the other end of the spectrum - that's what started this thread. I don't want to give up on the chance for us to be happy together, so I am going to give it all I have to rule anything out - then I am going to weigh out my options... I'm really hoping this works out but I'm not as optimistic as I'd like to be
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post #124 of 1046 (permalink) Old 09-18-2013, 12:53 PM
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Re: Desperate

Mark, It sounds almost like she is having a lot of guilt feelings with the baby and all still too, and has turned that in on herself. Gentleness, tenderness, patience should prevail here. Kind actions on your part, when a woman falls backwards she needs to knows that her partner will catch her. Compliments go a long way too even if it's just small things. There does need to be a safe place where she can talk about her issues, sounds like she isn't ready to open up because it's too painful.

I came out of a 4 year relationship just and it's painful you remember that separation feeling, that's why I am giving you some pointers as to what a woman needs to hear and feel I knew what I needed but there was none of it so I know how cold it can be, and I am a very passionate person shame I was with a dud but that ce la vie friend.

Get those one on one dates started or at least initiated. All the best.
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post #125 of 1046 (permalink) Old 09-24-2013, 06:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

Not gonna jinx anything (not that I believe in that) but I think there is a bit of activity on her end... Good stuff happening
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post #126 of 1046 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 06:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

Just got dealt another blow today. Maybe I'm just too sensitive like she tells me... but here it goes...
My wife is a big girl. Has been since we met, although when we met was the smallest she has ever been.
She's had 3 kids. She's 10 years older. But I still find her beautiful and sexy. I tell her that daily. She usually dismisses it.
She tells me from time to time that someone at her work or the store or whatever paid her a compliment, and she is obviously happy about that. When I tell her, she scowls.
I asked her about it this morning. She said it makes her feel uncomfortable when I give her compliments, and that I only do it because I have to.
All these years I've been telling her that I think she is beautiful and she doesn't like it, but she really likes it when she hears it from other people... male or female. Have I just been feeding this codependancy all this time?

The morning started off just fine, we were getting along pretty well... I made a comment that I was distracted because I have a beautiful woman on the phone, and she scoffed. That's when I asked her, that's when she told me she doesn't like it when I compliment her.

Am I being too sensitive or is this a problem?
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post #127 of 1046 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 08:42 AM
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Re: Desperate

My wife started her affair because a loser paid her a compliment on her looks. I complimented her all the time and I guess it didnt mean much.

Maybe its like when a parent tells their kid how good looking they are. You know, parents are supposed to think that.

Maybe she thinks you're supposed to say or think that and coming from a stranger, it really means something.

She sounds like my wife in that she needs external validation.
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post #128 of 1046 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 09:30 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

What really sucks is over the past year of our reconciliation, I have been a ton better with anxiety and depression.

Today that I am a ball of emotional goo.
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post #129 of 1046 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 09:54 AM
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Re: Desperate

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What really sucks is over the past year of our reconciliation, I have been a ton better with anxiety and depression.

Today that I am a ball of emotional goo.
Yeah no matter what you do, no matter how good you may feel on any particular day, there is always that cloud of doom following you.

I cant tell you how many times I've thought "wow I feel pretty good to day......but.....my wife still cheated on me"

I find that I'm not able to handle stress or frustrations like I used to. I am handling the affair relatively well, but its taking everything I have. The slightest bit of stress, no matter the source, hits me so hard because I have nothing left to cope with it.

Today is one of those days....
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post #130 of 1046 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 10:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

Hawx, I'm sorry that you're going through that. I am pretty confident there was no PA on her part...
Just not "there" like she was before the miscarriage.

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post #131 of 1046 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 11:47 AM
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Re: Desperate

She is probably being serious that she thinks you just "have to" say that. You are married to her and by that bond you are bound to her no matter what.

Someone who does not have that obligation to her would definitely be seen differently in terms of how they view her. She probably would believe a statement like that far more than yours if she suffers from low self-esteem because of this.

I'd say you need to do more in terms of actions rather than words to make her believe what you say.

" Sex is good, sex is fine, doggy style or 69, just for fun or getting paid, everyone loves getting laid"
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post #132 of 1046 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 12:38 PM Thread Starter
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She is probably being serious that she thinks you just "have to" say that. You are married to her and by that bond you are bound to her no matter what.

Someone who does not have that obligation to her would definitely be seen differently in terms of how they view her. She probably would believe a statement like that far more than yours if she suffers from low self-esteem because of this.

I'd say you need to do more in terms of actions rather than words to make her believe what you say.
Thank you for the insight. Any tips? I've tried what I know... I've said it publicly. I've tried pda but she doesn't like that. In fact, she tells me I'm too touchy-feely sometimes
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post #133 of 1046 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 12:47 PM
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Re: Desperate

My best advice would be to encourage her to view herself better. Tell her that you notice she doesn't seem to appreciate her own beauty like you do. Ask her what you can do to help her feel better about herself. Everybody needs different things to make them feel good about themselves.

Maybe she needs time for herself to fill her tank and do something she loves.

Maybe she needs you to show her her beauty by having her stand in front of a mirror and expressing how you love each inch of her and why.

Maybe she needs more romance. Buy her an sexy outfit or take her out and let her choose one that she feels comfortable in. It doesn't have to be lingerie if she is too shy for that. It could be a nice dress or a new outfit.

" Sex is good, sex is fine, doggy style or 69, just for fun or getting paid, everyone loves getting laid"
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post #134 of 1046 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 12:47 PM
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Re: Desperate

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Thank you for the insight. Any tips? I've tried what I know... I've said it publicly. I've tried pda but she doesn't like that. In fact, she tells me I'm too touchy-feely sometimes
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Mark,

It sounds like you're smothering her.

Have you ever read MEM's Thermostat thread?

The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R
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post #135 of 1046 (permalink) Old 12-20-2013, 01:14 PM Thread Starter
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Mark,

It sounds like you're smothering her.

Have you ever read MEM's Thermostat thread?

The thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your R
Eeerrrrmmmmm

Yeah. I'm doing it again. Chill pill.
Yes I did just say that
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