Desperate - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #1 of 1080 (permalink) Old 07-19-2012, 02:45 PM Thread Starter
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Desperate

Hi.
I've been married for 7.5 years. We've had ups and downs. We are both pretty stubborn. I have a porn addiction. 3 years ago she kicked me out because of it. It was while she was staying in the hospital with complications prior to the birth of our son. Yeah.

I was out for about 2 weeks. It wasn't until after he was born a month later that we started to rekindle. It was really never the same. I was trying to make it a contest. She is kinda bossy, and I wanted to make sure I was the boss. It didn't work. I also tried to bring the porn into the bedroom. Not literally, at first. But I wanted her to do more and more weird things. A few weeks ago, I dropped a hint that I wanted her to watch porn also. It didn't go over too well. I stopped using it but I was looking for an excuse. Not the model Christian I should have been. I talked a good talk but that's it.
I have also been using sales tactics to manipulate her. She's heard enough pitches to be immune.
Anyway, we got into an argument that lasted a week. Finally I gave her an ultimatum. Support me in my medical time of need, or stay with your parents for a few days. She protested, but I pushed and pushed and pushed. She left. That was Saturday.
Now, she wants a divorce and is relentless to get it done now. I don't want one.
I took a look at everything and with the time alone, time to reflect, I see where I went wrong. I didn't put her before me, and I didn't put God in the center of our marriage. I know this isn't a Christian site, but these are my values, even if I forgot them for a while. She fell in love with me, but fell back out.

She's been sending me very nasty texts out of anger. I know they are angry. But they are really hurtful and it's tough to take. I know this is mostly my fault, and I only skimmed the surface of the issues, but I included the major stuff. Both of us have issues but I should have been a different man.
Really hoping for a reconciliation, but not until I have made some changes in me.

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post #2 of 1080 (permalink) Old 07-19-2012, 03:09 PM
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Re: Desperate

So stop posting and get in counceling now!

Your actions are what will speak volumes to her, not your words

Hopefully it won't be too late for her.
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post #3 of 1080 (permalink) Old 07-19-2012, 03:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

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Originally Posted by Toffer View Post
So stop posting and get in counceling now!

Your actions are what will speak volumes to her, not your words

Hopefully it won't be too late for her.
I did. With my pastor. She will not go
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post #4 of 1080 (permalink) Old 07-20-2012, 11:56 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

Even though there was no adultry, I am going to take the 180 approach. At the same time, bettering myself for me and my God. If she doesn't come back, I will still be a better man. If she does, she will have a man that she is proud to call a husband. It's a win win for both of us.
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post #5 of 1080 (permalink) Old 07-24-2012, 06:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

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Originally Posted by Mark72 View Post
Even though there was no adultry, I am going to take the 180 approach. At the same time, bettering myself for me and my God. If she doesn't come back, I will still be a better man. If she does, she will have a man that she is proud to call a husband. It's a win win for both of us.
180 approach didn't happen... imagine that.
She has opened up a tiny bit to me though. Not so much venom, just fear that any changes I go through are temporary.
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post #6 of 1080 (permalink) Old 07-27-2012, 03:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

This is so tough. I get some signs of hope, then back to nothing. I am really having a bad time with this.
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post #7 of 1080 (permalink) Old 07-27-2012, 10:15 PM
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Re: Desperate

That's when you have to do 180 and stick to it. You may still respond to her back but not immediately. You'll also need to make sure that you show her that you want to be with her but you are also fine without her.
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post #8 of 1080 (permalink) Old 07-28-2012, 05:13 AM
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Re: Desperate

Sounds like the wife did a 180 on you, lol. Hows that working for ya? You can't take a list of tips on being a man and throw them at a marriage and expect it to work. Especially from what you posted you weren't being a man or a nice guy, but a bully. You gave her an ultimatium. She chose door #2. Now you are upset you didn't get your way.

Is her being 'bossy' more 'struggling to stay above water with you and your desires you place above her'? Tough question nobody but you can answer.

Try reading some other books. Try asking her what her needs and desires are. Stop trying to win personally and focus on winning at your marriage, that's the best start IMHO.
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post #9 of 1080 (permalink) Old 07-28-2012, 08:45 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

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Sounds like the wife did a 180 on you, lol. Hows that working for ya? You can't take a list of tips on being a man and throw them at a marriage and expect it to work. Especially from what you posted you weren't being a man or a nice guy, but a bully. You gave her an ultimatium. She chose door #2. Now you are upset you didn't get your way.

Is her being 'bossy' more 'struggling to stay above water with you and your desires you place above her'? Tough question nobody but you can answer.

Try reading some other books. Try asking her what her needs and desires are. Stop trying to win personally and focus on winning at your marriage, that's the best start IMHO.
Her family warned me that she is bossy before we ever got married. Over the past year, she took steps to get better. Not perfect, but better. I stayed in the rut. I kept trying to compete. The ultimatum was one of the straws that broke the camel's back.
She said this is the 4th time and I told her last time I would change. This is the 2nd time we've separated. The 1st time was when I went back to porn. Deep. It wasn't pretty. I know what I did to her.
But even when I stopped watching, I tried to recreate it in the bedroom. Some things she liked, others she didnt. A few weeks ago I "hinted" that I would like it if she started watching. She didn't take it too well.
We have both been under a lot of stress. She miscarried in January. We just found out that I have heart blockage and need a bypass. We both work full time. We both go to school. We have 2 young children.

The 180 is tough sometimes because I go to her parents' house to see the kids. She is always there. I put on a happy face, but it's really tough.
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post #10 of 1080 (permalink) Old 07-28-2012, 09:27 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mark72 View Post
Hi.
I've been married for 7.5 years. We've had ups and downs. We are both pretty stubborn. I have a porn addiction. 3 years ago she kicked me out because of it. It was while she was staying in the hospital with complications prior to the birth of our son. Yeah.

I was out for about 2 weeks. It wasn't until after he was born a month later that we started to rekindle. It was really never the same. I was trying to make it a contest. She is kinda bossy, and I wanted to make sure I was the boss. It didn't work. I also tried to bring the porn into the bedroom. Not literally, at first. But I wanted her to do more and more weird things. A few weeks ago, I dropped a hint that I wanted her to watch porn also. It didn't go over too well. I stopped using it but I was looking for an excuse. Not the model Christian I should have been. I talked a good talk but that's it.
I have also been using sales tactics to manipulate her. She's heard enough pitches to be immune.
Anyway, we got into an argument that lasted a week. Finally I gave her an ultimatum. Support me in my medical time of need, or stay with your parents for a few days. She protested, but I pushed and pushed and pushed. She left. That was Saturday.
Now, she wants a divorce and is relentless to get it done now. I don't want one.
I took a look at everything and with the time alone, time to reflect, I see where I went wrong. I didn't put her before me, and I didn't put God in the center of our marriage. I know this isn't a Christian site, but these are my values, even if I forgot them for a while. She fell in love with me, but fell back out.

She's been sending me very nasty texts out of anger. I know they are angry. But they are really hurtful and it's tough to take. I know this is mostly my fault, and I only skimmed the surface of the issues, but I included the major stuff. Both of us have issues but I should have been a different man.
Really hoping for a reconciliation, but not until I have made some changes in me.
I'm confused, you gave her an ultimatum to support you in your "medical" time of need or get out? What was your medical time of need?

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post #11 of 1080 (permalink) Old 07-28-2012, 09:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

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I'm confused, you gave her an ultimatum to support you in your "medical" time of need or get out? What was your medical time of need?
Heart bypass surgery
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post #12 of 1080 (permalink) Old 07-28-2012, 09:57 AM
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Heart bypass surgery
I'm sorry I missed that. Hope you're recovering well.
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post #13 of 1080 (permalink) Old 07-28-2012, 02:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

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I'm sorry I missed that. Hope you're recovering well.
Not happening for another week and a half.

This is tough to go through, I know I did this to myself. I know I can't say anything to get her back. I just have to make the changes in myself, be the man that my family deserves, even if she doesn't come back. I still need to be that man. I call myself a Christian but don't act like it.
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post #14 of 1080 (permalink) Old 07-28-2012, 02:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Desperate

I am making changes in my life. I have to focus on that. I keep telling myself that I will deal with our reconciliation later. But I cannot do that. I need to take an active part in this. I am doing some 180 things, but I still feel overwhelming pain and anxiety when I am at her place playing with the kids. Got a smile on, got a few jokes, active with my children, but inside I am a jumble of knots. It's not really any better. SHe has been cordial to me the past 2 days. And she has done a few nice things for me. No talk of changing her mind on filing for divorce next month. No talk of MC. I seriously think that all the damage can be fixed. Even I can be fixed. Just hate the way this feels now.
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post #15 of 1080 (permalink) Old 07-28-2012, 07:46 PM
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Re: Desperate

Hang tough, my man. It's even harder when children are present.
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