ferndog

Its been almost a year since I've seen my ex. She left me and I tried to get her back but she wouldn't budge. A month of me calling and wanting her to talk but to no avail. She had her month set and without a pause she divorced me.
I was so devastated. I was in shock. My beautiful wife , the love of my life just left me.

So I looked in the mirror an I saw an empty shell of a man. I realized so much and admitted my faults. I promised myself to become the best I can be so I gave up bad habits and picked up productive ones.
I now recognize my value. I see that I'm special. Who wouldn't want a hard working, loving, motivated, fun, faithful, dependable guy?

Yes I still need work so I won't date for a while.

Problem is I'm still in love with my ex. But why wouldn't I be. That's why I married her. In my heart I wish she could see me for who I am. I wish she could see that I regret hurting her (by neglecting her) and my depression is the reason. But not an excuse

I hope one day we can reconcile but even if we don't I guess my biggest fear is of me not showing her what he's always meant to me.

I don't want her back if she doesn't love me. But my closure will be letting her know how much I love her, then I'll be able to let go.

I guess I'm just venting but it's good for my health. I no longer keep feelings trapped in my heart I found out the hard way that it's a losing cause if I do.

Is it wrong to say I love my ex wife? Hmmmm?
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moxy

If the only hurtful thing you've done is neglect, if she isn't having an affair or hasn't left you to be with a specific someone else, if you truly believe you can change your ways and stop neglecting her and meet her needs (and hopefully, have or will spend some time figuring out why you've neglected her anyway), if you really want her in your life not just because she is unavailable, then tell her your feelings and ask if she'd try marriage counseling as a last ditch effort before you two call it quits,

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ferndog

Well no she did not leave me for someone else. But I do understand the pain that I caused her and I promised myself to focus on my faults and to truly change. It has taken me 10 months of constant focus, motivation and hard work to finally like myself. But I'm still not at the level I desire to be at.

I became depressed when her mother died. I love my ex so much that seeing the pain in her eyes caused me to feel powerless. I couldn't bring her mother back (dumb I know). But I became empty through time.

Some tell me, hold on to hope, others say she is gone

My heart after knowing her for 21 years tells me. She is pulling for me. But more importantly than that I have to stay committed and show my love. I love this woman truly and it's hard living in limbo.
I'm an honest person so I'll tell you my fears

Changing is not an issue, as I will continue to improve and never allow myself to fall back into depression ever again
I just fear that if I don't show her my love, I wouldn't forgive myself

I also fear that once I reach out to her that she won't see my value
And I fear that I'll never learnto let go

We've never dated. We got together so young (15) and I still have puppy eyes for her.

This is truly a nightmare but just as my father told me
"everyday show her your love by leaving her alone, wake up and respect her as though your still married. Get better and show her you truly changed and once you reach out to her you cannot fail no matter what she sees in you. You cannot fail because you showed yourself the commitment and loyalty you have for your marriage, admitting your faults is the toughest thing a man can do and you did it, lastly if it's true love shell wait."

It hurts me that my sister and brother are Facebook friends with her and in a way it makes me comfertable knowIng she's still there in a way.

I just want to be loved . I'm a true romantic at heart with a big spirit. I love that woman in every way. I can tell you so much about her that you'll realize why she is worth it. I would literally wait all my life if at the end she would tell me she loves me and means it.

Sorry if I rambled, I just get caught uP and my heart takes over
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Davelli0331

If you don't mind my asking, fern, what reasons exactly did your wife cite for leaving?

wiigirl

Wondering that too...

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ferndog

I'm wondering myself. Here's the last days leading up to this

I was at home and text her to see what she wanted me to do for dinner. She then text me "did you see the letter next to the bed"
I hadn't so I read it. It basically said " maybe we should just let go if you don't love me, we're still young and shouldn't be together if we don't feel it " something to that effect and it stated "let's talk about it. Call me, text me, or email me what ever you think it's best.

So I text her with the work "ok",

Her response "all you have to say is ok ?" that's all?"

I then responded " no I love you and the ok is ok well talk about it"

I went to a concert that night with my niece, it was planned and was not going to dissapoint her.when I got home , I found her in bed listening to sade "I could hear the music through the ear phones" crying.
I said are you ok? She said leave me alone, what do you want,

And as always I turned away (layed next to her and gave her my back). For so long I did this, so things like this are the reasons although she never said it. (damn depression)

Next day she says "I don't know Fernie maybe if you go to your fathers house for two weeks, well be ok. I just need space. I convinced her not to do this (it took work a lot of work but she was going to give me a chance) I told herr I would change and she said ok" we began to clean the house and we were having fun .

I'm very playful and she is very sweet. She has accomplished many things in her life and I am very proud of her. She is only 5' and I'm 6' so I remember I got next to her and told her look at me so here she is looking up at me into my eyes and I tell her " you know Gladys I've always looked up to you"
she started to laugh.

I began to clean the kitchen. And she was at our room. I got this weird vibe so I passed through the room and I saw her. (she didn't see me)
She was sitting on the bed, eyes closed, face red as a tomato holding an empty coin jar.

This is her coin jar and I had cashed it because I was broke (like always), without telling her.

She then came to me a few minutes later and said "what's this"
I said that's in the past I'm sorry and I'll replace it.

This was her breaking point.

If I have to give an honest answer , it was nothing big
It was small little bad habits that added up through the years.

Somewhere along the line I never grew up. And she got tired of being my mother (I realize this she didn't say it).
I was too needy and dependent.

So she goes to the kitchen, says I need you to go for two weeks, if you love me you'll go. I fought to stay and she said "if you stay I'll just find reasons to hate you"

So I left. On a Monday. On Wednesday I received an email by her stating something like " I'm sorry Fernie but I want a divorce and it's you that caused me to do this through time and theres nothing you can do"

It was an angry letter but nothing personal.

And yup she filed and yup were divorced.


I don't know if she'll see the good in me
But I have changed so much already
The time I need is to get my finances ready.

I love this girl, and she deserves to be loved and if I couldn't offer her the best love out there I wouldn't even try. But just as she is special to me, I know in special (just need to keep fixing my issues).

The hardest thing is that every time I tried to call her, she would hang up within a minute. Once I had an anxiety attack, and called her, she didn't pick up. I text her to call because of my anxiety and she did.
She always said she didn't love me anymore through that month.

I didn't believe it, she's so sweet so even if she didn't "why would she dump me so horribly "

But after a while I started to believe it and I told myself "we'll whatever reason, you just have to get better and with her or without her you need to change and be better"
So our last conversation we had I asked

Gladys if you still respect me please at least tell me what made you stop loving me. I feel like if we're on a boat, I jump in the water first. I'm waiting for you and the boat just leaves" I'm lost and I'm trying for my health to get better. Please tell me. I love you and I want you to at least be my friend"
She broke down and began to cry and said "Fernie I can't be your friend, I still love you"
I told her "babe I love you and you deserve the best and I promise on my soul that one day I'll come back to you a new man, I will focus on myself and my lips will not touch anyone until I offer you my best"

Her response "I won't believe you"
My response "well I'm going to change and well deal with that when the time comes I guess"

And that's it. 10 months later still need to change more but I'm focused. Still loyal to my promise.
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In_The_Wind

I think at the moment the best thing that you could do would be to start working on yourself, dont call her text her or anything maybe start some new hobbies, start exercising and doing things you like to do she has currently made up her mind leave it at that the more you beg whine snivel etc is a big turn off for her start doing things with your friends

Good Luck

ferndog

Good advice. I haven't talk to her in 6 months so I think I'm doing ok in that front.

Yes I do all those things and I'm doing pretty good. Just received my BS and got accepted to the credential program. Stopped gambling over 8 months ago
Got closer to family. Open with my feelings. Im letting go of the pain. Paying of debts. I draw and silkscreen as a hobbie. And I have two jobs. I just need to get healthier.

I think I'm doing pretty good for a person that honestly wants to change.
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In_The_Wind

Yes thats great have you considered IC or indiviual counseling to help you deal with some of your issues ?? Most universities have marriage and family centers that offer next to nothing counseling services provided by grad students who work under a licensed professional counselor. I have been married for over 12 years now and about 3 yrs ago i had an affair on my spouse and she had a revenge affair I had already moved out and she didnt know if she wanted to come back or not I am not suggesting this for yourself but it worked for me I started hanging out with a very good looking friend of hers as friends my wife found out about this and suggested that maybe we should try Marriage counselling so we did and I moved back home after about 3 weeks of counselling after about 6months the counselor cut us loose and said we were doing phenomal and she could nt help us anymore that is my experience things have been awesome ever since we both realized we made some stupid decisions and were able to work through them we both have never been happier in learning these lessons

take care and good luck

ferndog

Well one thing that was good about this is that it helped me see my issues.
I feel I need more work . So I focus on my goals. I have seen a therapist and she thinks I'm doing the necessary steps to lead me into a productive lifestyle.

I don't want to see about my ex. Not yet , I'm not ready. But one day I will want to see if we can work it out. Yes I'd be more than willing to go to MC (actually it would be part of our agreement if we are to work things out).

As far as hanging out with other females to catch her eye. Well I'm not that type of person, I don't want to hurt her anymore. If she wants me shell see my value, if not then I'll figure out my next step.
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Davelli0331

I think something that might be helpful for you Fern is to start reframing this as something you're doing for yourself with no regard to whether or not your W comes back. In all of your posts, you make allusions to doing all this improving for yourself, but the underlying objective seems to be to get your ex-W back. I know this is d!ckish of me to say, but 10 months is a long time. I think you're making beginning steps to realizing that your ex-W may never come back, but until you really and truly accept it, I think your improvements may stall. Worse, you may bring a lot of that with you to your next LTR.

ferndog

Your opinion is not ****ish. It is honest and valid.

Well I have hope because I love her but I'm not delusional.

There's a very good chance she may not come back, but I would hate myself and would not close this chapter if I at least did not try.

10 months is a long time and it will be longer because I need it. I need to grow more. I'll be in limbo until I reach my goals .

I really am changing for myself because I know I'm not comfortable with who I was.

So yes I hold hope but I expect nothing. My closure will come once I'm at my best and if she then does not come back, I'll be able to move on.
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ferndog

Part of me being my best is knowing that when I reach out, she won't be there. So this is also why I'm not there yet. But the change in me is for myself.
One cannot change for others. I accepted my faults and want to be better reguardless of the outcome
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ferndog

Gave your post a lot of thought and I realized that to get to the next level I need to find out if there is any hope for us. I'm comfortable enough to deal with the pain of letting her go or keep holding on.
I went to hey sisters house and told her my feelings thoughts etc (she works with her). I told her if she knew anything and should I keep holding on to hope. She said "honestly I think there is nothing there and you should let go". So yes it hurt but that's an honest answer and I do need to progress.
So I text her and she is going to call me tomorrow. I will see if there is any hope and if not I will begin to fully detach. I don't know what my next step will be but I know I'll be ok.

I will need more time, more work but I'm ready for my progress to continue
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AUGUSTBABY

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