ReconciliationThis forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.
I found this forum last year when searching for advice on how to cope with separation. I did a lot of reading and enjoyed the site but never posted. Now I find myself in a situation I wasn't really expecting and I'd really appreciate some advice. Apologies in advance for how long this is, but I feel like writing it all down may be therapeutic. Skip to the end for the TL/DR version.
First some background. My wife and I were high school sweethearts and continued dating through college. I dropped out of school and floundered for a little while before I started my current career. I do pretty well now, thanks in large part to her pushing me to be better. We were together for almost 8 years before we got married 3 years ago.
This past fall, my wife told me that she was no longer in love with me. She said she still cared about me, but that she had grown to resent me and felt more like a parent than a spouse. She also admitted to having developed feelings for someone she met in graduate school. I'm pretty sure it didn't progress beyond an emotional affair, but it was still painful for me. Thankfully, we haven't had any children so I only had my own pain to deal with.
After a lot of reflection, I can understand why she came to feel the way she did. Reading this and other forums, I'm fairly sure I fit the "Nice Guy" description. I would always put her before myself, even for unimportant things, because I was happy just being with her. I'm also often indecisive, not particularly ambitious, and around 50 pounds heavier than when we first met. She on the other hand, is the complete opposite. She's self motivated, decisive, assertive, and even occasionally manipulative in order to get what she wants. In short, we both got complacent and it ended up being toxic.
We stayed together for several more months while we attempted marriage counseling (both together and separately). While I felt we made some progress, ultimately her feelings didn't change and we separated this spring.
Getting separated was a massive wake up call for me. After a month or so, rather than continue to dwell on it, I decided that I would focus on improving myself. I established an exercise routine and started eating healthier (I've lost a little over 30 pounds). I also started working on changing my personality, attempting to be more decisive, trying more new things, getting out and socializing more.
I've since moved into an apartment with a friend from work closer to the city and my job. While I still missed my wife, I was beginning to get over her. I had accepted that getting divorced was the right thing to do for us both and was planning to start the process of filing next month.
That is until a few weeks ago when she called me out of the blue and wanted to see me. We met for lunch and she ended up coming over afterwards. Ever since she's been talking about what a great time she had (I had a good time too), how she misses me, and that she wants me back in her life. She's impressed with the changes I've made, and feels like she had taken me for granted. Her doctor also started her on anti-depressants. A few months ago, I would have been likely to jump at this chance. Now I feel like it's too late and I'm not sure what to do...
Some part of me still wants her back. I'm still attracted to her, I still enjoy her company, and I still see a potential future with her. I also worry that nothing has really changed, that we still have fundamental compatibility issues. I worry that we'll be right back where we were last fall and that she's just lonely and looking for companionship. If that happens it would be just as painful, if not worse for both of us.
Another part of me was looking forward to being single. My wife is the only person I've ever been in a long term relationship with. I had accepted this because I thought we were great for each other. Now I wonder if I made a mistake because I never really took the time to see what else was out there. I was honestly looking forward to meeting new people and dating.
She's suggested that we try dating and see how it goes, but I'm still anxious. Is that evidence enough that this is a bad idea? I feel like I should be over the moon right now, but I'm torn.
As much progress as I've made, I still struggle with indecisiveness, especially with big decisions. I can see myself being happy with or regretting either choice. I guess I'm just looking for any advice on what to do or stories from people who've been there.
If you've made it this far, thank you. I really appreciate your reading this.
TL/DR: My wife said she no longer loved me and we separated after several months of trying to save the marriage. Was making progress on improving myself and moving on when out of the blue she wants me back. Torn on what to do and looking for advice.
Re: Considering Reconciliation, Looking For Advice
Sorry short on time so I read the short version.
It comes down to what you want. If you believe you want to be married to her, then do everything you can to make it work, MC, Marriage Workshops, read books on being a better spouse.
I believe staying married is much easier than getting divorced.
After months of sepration and a painful period, I gave my wayward wife the option of moving back towards marriage or divorce. We have now been back together for 5 months and it keeps getting better.
In the end it all added up to her going through a mid-life crisis, which is a mental glitch that many suffer for a short period. It is a fog where they do not think clearly, but once out of it things can get much better.
Re: Considering Reconciliation, Looking For Advice
No worries, I realize it was a pretty long post. My problem is I don't really know what I want.
Before she contacted me I was ready to move on with my life, looking forward to it even. Now I'm torn. I want to do what's right for me, I'm just having trouble working out what that is.
Re: Considering Reconciliation, Looking For Advice
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carl2012
No worries, I realize it was a pretty long post. My problem is I don't really know what I want.
Before she contacted me I was ready to move on with my life, looking forward to it even. Now I'm torn. I want to do what's right for me, I'm just having trouble working out what that is.
If she came to you tomorrow and said, "I made a mistake, had a weak moment...I don't want back together."
What would you feel?
Do you think part of your impartialness now is due to the fact that the power is back in your hands?
It doesn't hurt to start dating and see how it feels but be honest with yourself and each other.
Re: Considering Reconciliation, Looking For Advice
Sorry I only read the coles notes too.
How do you know you aren't her second choice? ie she left you for someone else and he booted her so she's back to you? In that case, she'll just leave again when someone else comes along.
Re: Considering Reconciliation, Looking For Advice
BeYou, I feel really guilty about saying this but my first reaction to your scenario was that I'd feel relieved.
It was so much easier for me when it felt like she was the only reason for us getting separated. I was completely blindsided by it and devestated that she had feelings for someone else. A few months ago I wanted nothing more than to win her back but recently I had gotten to the point where I was ready to move on. Now that the power is in my hands as you say, I'm stuggling with feelings of guilt and doubt.
Which leads me to your point Hope, I know that the man she originally had an EA with has since rejected her. In fact, as far as I know, once he found out she was married he shut her out almost completely. I say almost because they share several classes and have to work together on assignments.
I'm not sure I can shake the feeling that she's only interested in me again because she was lonely and I'm the fallback.
I almost feel like my doubts should be evidence enough...
Re: Considering Reconciliation, Looking For Advice
I always go back to the fog that many people go through at one time or another in their lives. I guess it takes some forgiveness that we are human and error from time to time with those closest to us.
Many I know said they would have walked if their wives did what mine did to me, but I know deep down she was blind to the true love that brought us together and shared through our many years.
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Considering Reconciliation, Looking For Advice 
