ReconciliationThis forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.
I have been reading TAM for about a month now trying to gain information. So here is my story if you have advice.
It has been a difficult summer in our marriage. Rather cold between us. Still we have been married almost 18 years and have 4 kids (4 to 15) so to a certain extent I thought this was just a temporary situation caused by the hectic nature of our lives. Plus professionally I was extremely busy all year up to mid-July that added to the stress.
I knew it had been difficult so in my mind I knew we needed to work on coming back together. We have never been good at communication which is probably what lead us here. With the end goal of smoothing the realtionship my wife and I were out on a "date night" at the end of July that started out good but ended up in a slight arguement about what I can not remember and then talked turned to if we should even stay together. Somewhere in that conversation my said she was tired of trying and was not sure she wanted to go on. We had met at the restaurant and we both went home in separate cars after being completely blindsided I went to bed thinking my marriage was over. The next morning after discussion of lawyers, etc. cooler heads pervailed and we awkwardly decided to give it more time over the course of a few days. I realized now that we had not devoted almost anytime in working on our marriage, especially, recently, and things needed to change. Between TAM and reading Divorce Remedy I realized that 1) I have been doing a poor job of being a husband to my stay at home wife through the recent part of our marriage in the emotional support category and 2) I really wanted to make this work. I also realized at this point that the emotional walls are high and thick and I am really not sure if I will be able to break them down. I tried to get her to try MC but she had no interest and I didn't want to push too hard. Generally any suggestions such as let's just set aside some time to talk each day were not embarced by her so I remained receptive but not over aggressive and tried to be patient to allow her to work through her emotions. Plus I focus on trying to correct the things I knew I had not addressed in the past such as trying to be more empathetic, sayign sorry, etc.
Over the four weeks I though I started to see some positives and there may be a crack in the wall.
Fast forward to Thursday night (4 weeks later) and my wife says that she is emotionally exhausted with our marriage and does not feel she has the strength to try anything to fix it. When I asked her when this started she said last year. Our poor communication leads me to believe she is saying she needs more time to think through and I go through the next few days thinking I will start acting slighty more "as if" vs. going complete 180 and just try to remain happy and talk to her about day to day activities and not dwell on the fact that I was in complete limbo and definitely not ask her about anything.
Then today she seemed particularily down and I asked what was wrong and she said "after our conversation on Thursday I can't understand how you can act as if nothing is wrong." At that point I asked that we talk so we can get on the same page and I realized that she thought she was telling me on Thursday that we were completely done.
After a 10-15 minute conversation I told her how I felt again which was basically, I realized that I have done a lot wrong but really believe that we can make this work and if she really believes that D is the best option then she needs to clearly tell me that and file the paperwork I then had to take the kids out for errands we were going to do. When we all get home I asked her what her decision is and she says to leave her alone she doesn't want to talk about it right now.
So I am now looking for advice from people who have been through this. I really want to make this work but at this point if she says we are done do I try to stall as much as possible to see if she regains some strength and decides that MC is not bad or do I completely go 180 at this point. I am completely confused and trying not to completely destroy our family. It is just a mess.
My 1st concern would be what is effecting the dynamics of the marriage. Sure you get a check for being busy all summer but then again it takes alot so maybe its not just you but her also lossing something.
Hell there may even be someone else that is effecting the dynamic of the marriage maybe a TF (toxic friend) maybe a coworker or an old boyfriend...........
My point is you need to do your own investigation to see what is really going on. Quitely look into and dismiss the possiblity that your chic found some greener grass.
Maybe there are no red flags and there is no other influence and your chic is just done...but do your self a favor and eliminate other possiblities before you start thinking you are the one to blame.
My old lady wanted space so I gave it to her by packing her bags.....were she was going hell who nows but she wanted space she got it... anyway she didn't want to leave so I put the suitcase back.
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.
Maybe it can be moved.
Everything I read says she is going through a midlife crisis. Society has labeled husbands as if they are the only one who suffer from this, but I would suggest women do as much, if not more. Especially when you see the statistics that 2/3 of those filing for divorce are women.
Her timeline of a year thinking about it and building resentment has been poison to the marriage.
Glad to hear you have read/are reading Divorce Remedy. THis book became my Bible when mine was suffering from MLC.
You should tell her for the sake of the kids and the 18 years of marriage, she needs to give MC a chance. Agree up front that your will only stay with one that you both think is good. Interview and seek recommendations.
Your marriage is ill and like any illness you would seek a professinal doctor. If she doesn't think she has the energy for working on your marriage, she has no idea how much energy and termoil divorce would create.
Sorry for the wrong posting I was not sure. I appreciate the guidance. I read you story and your responses to others and I always thought they were well reasoned and coming from an experienced perspective.
The good news is she agreed to attend MC this morning so I have been researching and calling around to see which pro-marriage counselors would be a good fit for us and have appoint to start next week.
She may only be doing it for the kids at this point, but that is ok and a step in the right direction.
On the MLC, yes I thought about that and after reading the book I had a hard time deciding if it was WAW, MLC or maybe a slight general depression at times so I tried to consider all while exploring things that may work.
I will keep you updated as we progress so any guidance you have is appreciated.
Does your wife work?
You have 4 kids ages 4 - 15, in today's society that's a houseful and a big energy burner.
I stayed home for a year when my son was 3 - 4. I also babysat 3 other kids. I didn't like it. Felt like there should be "more" to my life. It's not for everyone.
Not much excitement. Same old routine. Yup, very rewarding, and I give huge credit to those that can financially do it, you are lucky.
But long term... I know I'm not one of those people that would be "happy" doing just that. I would need night school, part time job, something to get me out of the house on a regular basis.
That is good news that she will do MC. I personally think the WAW, MLC and Depression are all connected. I believe in the book that the WAW section or MLC mention the other.
After so many session with our second one, I actually found I miss meeting with her. She was in part some of the glue that held us together.
Be patient, prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Keep you head the best you can and you should be fine.
Does your wife work?
You have 4 kids ages 4 - 15, in today's society that's a houseful and a big energy burner.
I stayed home for a year when my son was 3 - 4. I also babysat 3 other kids. I didn't like it. Felt like there should be "more" to my life. It's not for everyone.
Not much excitement. Same old routine. Yup, very rewarding, and I give huge credit to those that can financially do it, you are lucky.
But long term... I know I'm not one of those people that would be "happy" doing just that. I would need night school, part time job, something to get me out of the house on a regular basis.
If you can, seek counselling together.
My wife does not work outside the home. She is fairly involved in the kids' schools and has been getting more involved in running some of the events etc which is good.
If it is an MLC then from my layman's prespective I would think that, the stay at home issue is partially driving it. She has always been defensive about it when her friends/relatives tell her how lucky she is to be home and with our youngest starting to be in school full time she has been stressing about trying to figure out what she wants to do career wise. In fact she told me today that she scheduled a resume workshop on Wednesday.
I fully support her wanting to get out and do non-kids stuff. I can't say it right now because any comment is slapped down but I just want her to not stress about it so much. With the economy the way it is, it is not the easiest time to jump back into the workforce and we are blessed not to have an immediate need to do it.
We are scheduled for MC next week although I am not sure how much she really has her heart into it. In the meantime I am trying to remain extremely paitent and absorb all the negative reactions to me at the moment although it is absolutely brutual to get hit with it everyday. Hopefully this is just an initial wave that needs to get out since it is in the open. Deep down inside I know ultimately it may not work but I believe it is too early in the process to not try at the moment. From the point the brick hit me it has been less than 5 weeks.
Thought I would give an update. We went to MC today. A very small baby step. Last week one of the MC's I talked to gave what I thought was some very good advice to not discuss relationship with each other, remember why we got married, and have fun, and when we come into MC bring the problems there and let her deal with them there. Resulted in a low conflict week which generally it has been since the bomb dropped and we had a few fun moments together and with the kids. Right before MC and at MC my wife reiterated that she is spent and is not sure if and when she will ever be ready to work on marriage. She also told me when I asked that she is not really feeling any more positive from two weeks ago at this point but is still trying. Mentioned in MC wanting me to be patient as she is trying to emotionally protect herself at this moment. Also said she is tried of always doing what others want and wants to do things for herself. She acknowledged that she is seeing me do things now that she wanted to before but in her mind essentially says why now, who cares. On the positive she did note that at points the marriage was great. The MC gave us one exercise to work on which we all agreed if my wife was not ready to do at home we would put off for now. Next week we will have individual sessions with the MC.
That is good advice. I think things got calmer when we left discussion about the marriage alone and only addressed them in MC and workshops. Referees help.
Your wife seems to be very much where mine was. It has been a long road and I believe she still has some reserves, but it is minimal compared to the peak, which it sounds like you are at with her.
Be the best you and she will build more confidence in the relationship. IMHO.
Just wanted to give a quick update to see if anybody had advice/inspiration as they went through a similiar process.
We both attended MC in separate sessions last week. The MC only scheduled a follow-up session with my wife for this week. I was pleasantly suprised that my wife agreed to go as the morning of last week's sessions she said that she was not going again after that session. She also repeated Sunday that she does not want to go all the time but we will see what happens this week.
Over the last two weeks at times I feel like signs of progress are there and then it seems like we are right back to the beginning. Today I feel like we have made no progress since August although I can probably point to a few (like just going to MC). The MC said to take it slow and not to make rash descisions but I also wonder if hanging out in this limbo land of living together being nice too each other but not affectionate for too long is good. I figure time is our friend as it allows us to make progress but at the same time the more time without some clear positive movement the more maddening this is.
Just make sure there isn't someone else in her life that you don't know about that could be affecting her. Start digging now, MC will be a failure if there is.
This sounds eerily similar to my situation. I also have 4 children, and my wife stayed home. 2 years ago we went through almost the exact same senario. I heard all those things you are hearing.
As of today, I have been out of the house since April and the divorce was finalized last month. Typically, if there is no third party and you are teachable, things will work out. However, one thing men struggle with in this type of senario is a focus on the wife. I looked into everything. Every action, what does it mean? Don't focus on the result of this. Much of this depends on how long she has allowed resentment of you to build. We also had communication problems, however, you communicating openly now is not going to help. It actually will most likely feed her anger.
The only advice I can give you is that this is an opportunity for you to really work on you. You need balance as a man--body, mind, soul. Be physically active everyday, read everyday, and find peace within yourself and your identity as a man. Don't try to control or manipulate through words. Just do your thing. She will either rise to the occasion and meet you in the middle or she won't. It really depends on her pride because right now believe it or not you ARE the bad guy. This won't come out in it's fullest force until later.
I spent almost two years in a home trying to work on me and become a better man. The result- she is bitter, angry, and just not happy. I am content with who I am. I enjoy life and have a relationship with my kids I never could have imagined. I am no longer needing validation from anyone. These things are worth it. Your marriage staying together or not will not make you happy. Happiness comes from inside. Both of you need to change, however, she just might not change herself. Prepare yourself for that.
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"Somewhere in my many trail runs and weight lifting sessions I found more than physical strength. I found I had the emotional strength I needed to survive my divorce and come out happy on the other side." Yep.
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My wife told me is done today 
