When do 'we' reach the "Point of No Return"?
This question really concerns my kids! Please read.
So my W left me/us. She slowly moved out while developing an EA. Not sure if it turned PA before hand, she swears they 'are only friends'.
We tried the whole roommate thing but that didn't work out so well because she would come into my room all the time. The last time she did, she fell asleep in the blanket she had laid out for me a few nights prior; she was confused about nearly making love with me because it was after she declared she didn't want to be lovers anymore.
Anyways, After she feel asleep on my blanket, I took it as an invitation to lay next to her. I cuddled with her and listened to her sleepless state responses as I massaged and caressed her. This wouldn't have been the first time she enjoyed my attention like this; Although this time, when i got 'too-far' (or rather TOO close) she sprung from the floor with disgust and ran to her room. I didn't follow her. The next morning we didn't speak, but she ended having a break down in front of her massage therapy class. Relating it to that of a rape victim. (I still haven't discussed that night in a productive way, I've only heard bits and pieces of it in between her rants at me.)
Fast forward; She uses that excuse to further her development with this OM. One night she doesn't come home, no call, nothing. The next morning I'm needing to leave for work, and she's not their. Later I would find out she spent the night with this OM, and in his bed no less. Of course, we can all assume the worst. I try to snoop for info, he tells her I have no right to know their business... I try to expose, get chewed out for snooping.
It would be a week or two more until, I'm not 100% on the timeframe, but eventually she moved out. It was mainly due to not having anywhere to go. Even after I told her "why not move in with this OM." She refused to. (I did uncover a text stating that she didn't want our ending relationship to bleed into theirs, and it wasn't like her to lie, she would break if I tried hared.)
I sought to assist her move out process and ended up talking to our midwife for her to stay there. She did, but I have no idea how long that lasted, she finally ended up admitting she is living with the OM.
Still without any admittance as to the status of their relationship. I can still ONLY assume, and I do, but if I ask it's "none of my business". WTF?
The trouble I have is that I feel the end of our relationship only took this turn because of this OM. An EA gone PA, with me slowly not knowing while I'm hard at work trying to support our family.
Now that she is living with him, she wants to see the kids, and take them over to where she lives now. I'm not ok with any of it and we have yet to go through any legal divorce over the kids.
I'm not sure if it makes it more difficult, but we were never legally married. We were young hippies thinking the papers didn't matter, we'd make it through it all regardless of social status.
Well now, we're not, and we have kids, so what do I do?
I don't feel it ok to just bend over and allow her to see the kids without finalizing our terms. At the same time, I don't want a divorce, never have. I still love this woman, that's the catch 22 with unconditional love. She knows this too, and I feel she's manipulating me so she can have her guilt-free free life style. I have stopped paying for anything for her a while ago. I was the first to stop saying "I love you" but it hurt dbl when she caught on and stopped.
So my question really comes down to: How do I handle this divorce/custody battle/new boyfriend. She's already calling him her new family. Her friends, and therapy teachers tell me to hang in there. That they got "our backs" and are praying to "see us stay together".
Our family is very beautiful. Everyone has been affected by our separation. She is telling everyone that I am keeping her from seeing the kids. My biggest stipulation is that I'm not ok with this OM taking my kids to and fro anywhere. Not to mention I fear I would not get the kids back if I allowed them in their custody. My W has been abusive in the past, and I don't trust her mental stability. Her own mother is mental ill, she could be as well.
I do feel guilty for being stubborn on how she can see our kids. I told her she could pick them up from daycare and take them HOME to make dinner for them on the nights she can. But she just continues to make excuses. What do I do? How can I turn this around and seeing results in a positive matter? Every step I take I seem to be making this change permanent, which is why I have been fearing a legal D. But, w/o that, how else can I set the boundaries without being put at blame?
I'm not sure what her classmates or teachers think of her personal life, whether they just know all the bad from me, and nothing of the OM. I talked with my W's aunts the other day and they too said they heard nothing of the OM, and wonder why she would leave the kids with me if what she told them of my violent ways was true.
Any help or ideas out there? I would love for R, and know at this point I must let her go. But that doesn't mean I need to bow to her every wish or command about how she sees our kids. Especially since she hasn't paid a dime toward anything concerning them and their needs. It's been a month since she came to see them. I took them to her just a couple nights ago. She seems content with not seeing them and blame me for it.
Thanks in advance!