When do 'we' reach the "Point of No Return"? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 09-19-2012, 03:19 AM Thread Starter
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When do 'we' reach the "Point of No Return"?

This question really concerns my kids! Please read.

So my W left me/us. She slowly moved out while developing an EA. Not sure if it turned PA before hand, she swears they 'are only friends'.

We tried the whole roommate thing but that didn't work out so well because she would come into my room all the time. The last time she did, she fell asleep in the blanket she had laid out for me a few nights prior; she was confused about nearly making love with me because it was after she declared she didn't want to be lovers anymore.

Anyways, After she feel asleep on my blanket, I took it as an invitation to lay next to her. I cuddled with her and listened to her sleepless state responses as I massaged and caressed her. This wouldn't have been the first time she enjoyed my attention like this; Although this time, when i got 'too-far' (or rather TOO close) she sprung from the floor with disgust and ran to her room. I didn't follow her. The next morning we didn't speak, but she ended having a break down in front of her massage therapy class. Relating it to that of a rape victim. (I still haven't discussed that night in a productive way, I've only heard bits and pieces of it in between her rants at me.)

Fast forward; She uses that excuse to further her development with this OM. One night she doesn't come home, no call, nothing. The next morning I'm needing to leave for work, and she's not their. Later I would find out she spent the night with this OM, and in his bed no less. Of course, we can all assume the worst. I try to snoop for info, he tells her I have no right to know their business... I try to expose, get chewed out for snooping.

It would be a week or two more until, I'm not 100% on the timeframe, but eventually she moved out. It was mainly due to not having anywhere to go. Even after I told her "why not move in with this OM." She refused to. (I did uncover a text stating that she didn't want our ending relationship to bleed into theirs, and it wasn't like her to lie, she would break if I tried hared.)

I sought to assist her move out process and ended up talking to our midwife for her to stay there. She did, but I have no idea how long that lasted, she finally ended up admitting she is living with the OM.

Still without any admittance as to the status of their relationship. I can still ONLY assume, and I do, but if I ask it's "none of my business". WTF?

The trouble I have is that I feel the end of our relationship only took this turn because of this OM. An EA gone PA, with me slowly not knowing while I'm hard at work trying to support our family.

Now that she is living with him, she wants to see the kids, and take them over to where she lives now. I'm not ok with any of it and we have yet to go through any legal divorce over the kids.
I'm not sure if it makes it more difficult, but we were never legally married. We were young hippies thinking the papers didn't matter, we'd make it through it all regardless of social status.

Well now, we're not, and we have kids, so what do I do?
I don't feel it ok to just bend over and allow her to see the kids without finalizing our terms. At the same time, I don't want a divorce, never have. I still love this woman, that's the catch 22 with unconditional love. She knows this too, and I feel she's manipulating me so she can have her guilt-free free life style. I have stopped paying for anything for her a while ago. I was the first to stop saying "I love you" but it hurt dbl when she caught on and stopped.

So my question really comes down to: How do I handle this divorce/custody battle/new boyfriend. She's already calling him her new family. Her friends, and therapy teachers tell me to hang in there. That they got "our backs" and are praying to "see us stay together".

Our family is very beautiful. Everyone has been affected by our separation. She is telling everyone that I am keeping her from seeing the kids. My biggest stipulation is that I'm not ok with this OM taking my kids to and fro anywhere. Not to mention I fear I would not get the kids back if I allowed them in their custody. My W has been abusive in the past, and I don't trust her mental stability. Her own mother is mental ill, she could be as well.

I do feel guilty for being stubborn on how she can see our kids. I told her she could pick them up from daycare and take them HOME to make dinner for them on the nights she can. But she just continues to make excuses. What do I do? How can I turn this around and seeing results in a positive matter? Every step I take I seem to be making this change permanent, which is why I have been fearing a legal D. But, w/o that, how else can I set the boundaries without being put at blame?

I'm not sure what her classmates or teachers think of her personal life, whether they just know all the bad from me, and nothing of the OM. I talked with my W's aunts the other day and they too said they heard nothing of the OM, and wonder why she would leave the kids with me if what she told them of my violent ways was true.

Any help or ideas out there? I would love for R, and know at this point I must let her go. But that doesn't mean I need to bow to her every wish or command about how she sees our kids. Especially since she hasn't paid a dime toward anything concerning them and their needs. It's been a month since she came to see them. I took them to her just a couple nights ago. She seems content with not seeing them and blame me for it.

Thanks in advance!

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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 09-19-2012, 08:08 AM
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Re: When do 'we' reach the "Point of No Return"?

Mid Life Crisis? Sounds like it to me. The revisionist history, grass is greener EA, and blame game are just a few of the tell tale signs.

180! Read Divorce Busters or Divorce Remedy if you want to save your marriage. MC and IC for both if possible. She may be in a fog, so try to mitigate the damage and not make things worse by being pulled into her fuzzy world.

IMHO. Wishing you well!

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Don't Give Up! Patience.

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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 09-20-2012, 01:03 AM Thread Starter
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Re: When do 'we' reach the "Point of No Return"?

Thank you for your opinion. I too believe shes in a mid life crisis. Glad to know I'm not the only one.

So what exactly does it mean to stay out of her fuzzy world? mainly talking about the challenge of her and the kids...
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 09-20-2012, 06:09 AM
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Re: When do 'we' reach the "Point of No Return"?

How old are your kids? Am I right in assuming that they are still living with you? Is your name on their birth certificates?

I think you need to talk to a lawyer because getting legal custody is always more of a challenge for the dad and if the couple isn't legally married.

The sad reality is that it will be hard for you to prevent your partner from having the kids live with her at least part of the time, and if she is living with the OM you can't keep your kids away from him. If the OM has a criminal record, you might be able to make a case to keep your children away from him.

Be careful playing the mental illness card. 1 in 4 women suffers from major depression during her lifetime; the numbers for men are not much lower; other mental illnesses are also common. If your wife is truly sick and if she is not controlling her illness with meds, then you may have a legal case for limiting her to supervised contact with the kids. But, some judges will react badly if they think that one spouse is slamming the other's character.
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 09-20-2012, 10:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: When do 'we' reach the "Point of No Return"?

My Kids are 5 and 2. Yes, they are living with me. She moved out without any attempt to take them. And Yes; My name is on the birth certificate.

She doesn't attempt to contact me. The time before last was her wanting to take our son on his birthday. I merely texted her back stating I would be willing to take him to where ever she was just let me know when&where. She never responded.

She hasn't taken any responsibility or accountability of her recent developments. Even her relationship with her the OM has been kept silent to everyone she seems to talk to. I only get to know of what's becoming obvious.

It all just happened so fast. One minute she's swearing celibacy for herself for 6 months (which is why she wanted to "stop being lovers") now she's already sleeping in the same bed with this OM. Living with him none the less. I doubt shes kept her celibacy promise to herself. Which I feel was a detriment to her recent developments. Now I can feel his voice in her speech...
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 09-21-2012, 10:15 AM
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Re: When do 'we' reach the "Point of No Return"?

Holy Smokes -- I'd say your wife is having one heck of a midlife crisis and is deep in an affair fog.

She walked out on a 2 and 5 year old children and has made almost no effort to see them?

If the sexes were reversed and a man did this to a woman, almost everyone on this forum would be telling her to get a lawyer and get the court to put into effect a child custody and child support arrangement (with the woman having sole legal custody). I'm a big fan of gender equality so my advice is -- start documenting everything (in case your W changes her mind and later wants to sue for custody, you'll need to prove you are the primary care giver), separate your finances if you haven't already done so. Do you own your house together? If so, you need to have an agreement in place to split your assets.

I understand that you want a reconciliation. But, right now things do not look good and you need to take care of your kids.

I'd advise you to ask the moderators to move this thread to the going through divorce separation forum. You'll get more responses from people who have been there, done that (some of whom *have* successfully reconciled).
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 09-21-2012, 12:25 PM
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Re: When do 'we' reach the "Point of No Return"?

My heart goes out to you and your children. It must be quite difficult to go through the challenges you are experiencing since she left and you are now faced with many decisions about the future for you and your children. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers, asking God to comfort and strengthen you at this difficult time and enable you to seek His solution to your situation.
I'm with an organization called Focus on the Family, and there is some good articles about divorce and infidelity on their website focusonthefamily. com. Since you have so many important decisions to make, it might also be helpful to talk over the phone to one of the Focus counselors, which you can also search for on their website.
May God sustain you, and guard your heart and mind in the days ahead.
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 09-21-2012, 12:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: When do 'we' reach the "Point of No Return"?

Thank you both for you advice and kind words.

Who are the moderators that can move this thread? I did post a more in depth topic in that section, I was hoping to focus this one more towards reconciliation. I too am shocked with how far shes gone, and I will stay strong.

I would like to start going to counselling. I'm getting deeper in depression and heighten anxiety at times. I don't seem to have the time to do everything since the kids are #1 priority. Any advice on how to juggle all this stuff without giving into insomnia?

I appreciate this forum, I have been reading everyones posts for quite some time. I made my post a few months past, good to have an abundance of information and experiences here. Anyone/threads that have gone through something similar?
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