Is the way out the way through?
Hi, I just left my boyfriend of 8 years and have left numerous times over the years only to come back before getting through the hurt of the breakup. It's like I was too weak to really let it go, even though my instincts were telling me he wasn't right for me and that I hadn't experienced enough life on my own to commit fully. I was 27 when we met, he was 30. I am now 35, he is 38.
The loss of this time in our lives has caused me so much anxiety and depression, I can't even begin to tell you. Despite me having negative feelings, I couldn't let go of him and he wouldn't let go either. I want some time in the dating pool to see all my options before I "buy" or get married. I would literally wake up in the middle of the night with panic thinking "Is this it? This is what the rest of my life is going to be?". I am so conflicted because I love him but I was so conflicted being with him. Just an internal sense that it wasn't right, otherwise I wouldn't have been so depressed and anxious.
At this point, I am grieving the loss of him, the loss of my youthful looks and spirit, the loss of all that time we spent hurting and suffering in our relationship. And we are still hurting so bad. It's only been a month. We stopped talking the first 3 weeks and he got on a dating website but still wants to marry me if I come back. Then we began talking again and ended up going back to our counselor and I told her I was dying inside because I couldn't heal from this while he and I were still talking and acting like nothing was wrong. I can't live in limbo anymore, it's the worst pain, especially when I am 35 without kids! My clock is ticking. He had 3 kids from a previous marriage and I love them but I didn't want my life to be like this. I wanted someone without kids so we could have our own intimate little family. When I lived with him, I felt like our lives revolved around his 3 kids and my needs were not met. I felt like I was living His life, not my own. I has this need to live My life.
When we went to the counselor, she suggested we not talk to each other for a week a time (because we struggle with that as we have no other friends but each other and want to be supportive to each other), and them come see her every week or two together. I want to do this but I'm worried I'll never be able to heal when I see him every week or two.
I am SO depressed about this breakup, AGAIN, all this time lost, our youth lost, I don't know what to do. My mom says the way out is the way through. I have to actually not talk to him, get through the healing process of letting go and moving on. I'm sure its going to take like a year out of my life. I can't seem to let this relationship go, after 8 years of our heartache. He is so devoted to me and wants only me to marry and is willing to wait. But I can't hold him back anymore if I'm not happy and committing to him. I hang onto this idea that if I take several months to myself, experience the dating world, then is it healthy if I go back to him? Why can't I let him go?
What I'm wondering is this: If I take this time to myself and date, and I go through this healing process with no contact, is it possible that six months or a year from now, we can reconcile, get married and have the relationship be healthy for once? What do I need to do to fix this painful life of ours?