Any chance of reconciliation?

hotmama91 · 01-01-2013, 04:14 PM

Here is some background information- We have been together for 6 years and married for 3. When I found out I was pregnant in August he left me, we already have a 2 year old son. I found out in November from cell phone records that he had been talking to another women since at least July 28th (that is as far as the records go back) I called the phone number when I saw it and he was actually there at the time. He won't tell me anything about her and won't talk about it. He swears that he has never "cheated' on me and I kind of believe him. Even if it wasn't physical I know he atleast had an emotional affair by how much he was talking to her. Things were kind of rough between us 6 months before he left because he was working 6am to 8pm and he was really grumpy all the time.. but I didn't pay much attention to it because I figured his mandatory overtime at work would be over soon enough and things would be back to normal. I really want to reconcile because I still love him so much even after all of this. He has been so hot and cold towards me. About three weeks ago he told me that if he really wanted a divorce he would have filed the day he left. He got mad at me one day and is no longer wearing his wedding ring and today he said that the only reason my family is being nice to him is because they think we are going to get back together. I feel like at this point there is nothing I can do but accept the fact that I am getting divorced. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated especially from people who have reconciled after being seperated after 6+ months. My other baby will be here in less than 3 months and I don't know how I am going to do it without him.

This is me · 01-01-2013, 05:37 PM

My wife was certain she wanted to divorce, had the EA at work and seperated for 4 months. It took alot of patience and nearly divorcing for things to turn around.

There is still hope. Especially if he said he would have D on the day he left, if that is what he wanted.

If he is in the fog of greener pastures the reality that it is no greener will likely hit him at some point. Can you get him into MC. Demand no contact to work on the marriage. Read Divoce Remedy or Divorce Busters. If he is still seeing the OW than 180.

To me it sounds like there is hope, but it takes patience and the ability to forgive and forget without being a doormat.

I am sorry this is happening and wishing you well.

hotmama91 · 01-01-2013, 06:45 PM

I have done the 180 for about a month now and the last two times he has came to pick up our son, he has tried to have sex with me. Today he picked up our son and was cold to me other than when he hugged me before he left like he always does. I don't know if he is still talking to the other woman or not. Who made the first move in your reconcilation? I just don't know if I shouldn't do anything at all or gradually try to atleast do something.

hotmama91 · 01-01-2013, 09:23 PM

Also, should I file for divorce? I don't in any way want a divorce, but maybe it would be a wake up call for him.

EleGirl · 01-01-2013, 10:03 PM

Do you have a job or are you a SAHM?

Is helping you out financially?

Do you know who this other woman is?

You would benefit from at least interviewing some attorneys and find out what your rights are.

You would benefit from the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley.

hotmama91 · 01-01-2013, 10:12 PM

I am a sahm, I have never had a job and don't have my drivers license. That is the way he wanted it. I do have my learners license but can't find some one to take the time to help me.. so I am trying to save for a drivers ed class. I am not lazy and fully intend on getting both as soon as this baby is born. He is paying my bills and brings me groceries once a week. I hate that I have to rely on him, but don't have a choice right now.
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EleGirl · 01-02-2013, 12:23 AM

It sounds like you also don't have access to money.

So basically he has complete control over you.. you have no money, no car, you cannot even go to the grocery store, and you are pregnant.

If he's not around, what are you going to do when you go into labor? Who is going to take you to the hospital? Have you been going to your doctor's appointments? How do you get there?

I suggest that you call a abuse hotline and find a place in your area that helps abused women. You would be considered abused by the fact that you are so under his control that you cannot really go anywhere or have access to money.

Some abused women’s organizations will provide transportation for you to get to counseling, lawyers, and for medical purposes.

Also call and talk to some attorneys. You need to find out your rights. Many attorneys will give free half hour to one hour consultations.

Find one that will ask the court to have your husband pay your legal fees. Remember that his income is marital income. The attorney can also ask the court that he start paying you child support and spousal support. This way you have control over the money and can do what you want to do… buy your own food, etc.

Do you think he has enough $$ to pay for driving school for you? Ask the attorney to ask for that as well.

hotmama91 · 01-02-2013, 10:59 AM

Yes he has locked me out of all of our bank accounts. When I go into labor he said I could call an ambulance, but I figure if I needed him to take me he would. He lives with his mother who is about 45 minutes from my house. My grandmother has been taking me to my doctor appointments. We were fine financially when he lived at home, but now he doesn't have any money. He hasn't payed the house payment in 2 months and I get calls saying that my electric and etc. is getting cut off. When I tell him about it, he will pay it..& also said he is paying the house payment this month. So far nothing has been turned off. He turned my cell phone off this month. Technically he is still paying more than what I think I will get if we go to court. I do need to get a consultation, I am just scared that they are going to give custody of my son to him because I can't take care of him from my lack of transportation and job.