words mean nothing, acts do?
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Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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Old 01-02-2013, 12:53 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default words mean nothing, acts do?

so my story is here,
and during these hard times a line keeps repeating itself in my head. something from House, MD i think.

that words mean nothing, acts do.
we still live together -but i'm willing to leave upon his request -, still sleep on the same bed.
since our marriage problem is unclear, i just wonder if he still loves me. because that's all i need to motivate me doing something for R. yes i still love him but i can't linger in this uncertainty. if he doesn't love me, so be it. if he does, then i'll say to myself :'lets try to work things out'.

he still says 'i love you' but i asked him to stop unless he means it. and i meant it when i told him that. i just cannot accept charity nor pity. that's demeaning. but he still tells me that he loves me; but it hurts me. feels like someone puts a crowbar in my chest every time he says it.
he still hugs me, holds my hand, but i feel...........cold. pitied.and i draw myself away [note: i really want this marriage to work out! despite all the facts, im that kind of person who believes that marriage is for once in a lifetime]. i couldn't help to draw myself away.
what should i do? do his acts mean nothing?
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Old 01-02-2013, 05:56 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: words mean nothing, acts do?

Sounds like you are the one with the uncertainity. He says he loves you, holds your hand , sleeps in the same bed.... yet you are uncertain.

" couldn't help to draw myself away. what should i do?"

What I am reading into this is you have a whole lot of resentment built up that only you can process to make things right. He can't do this for you. If this is the case get into IC and work through it. Make sure the IC is pro marriage if you want to save your marriage.

What do you want?
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Old 01-02-2013, 06:00 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: words mean nothing, acts do?

hello This is me, thanks for stopping by and post.

i know he can't do things for me, and i dont want it either. but im sooo confused. and since I'm new here, what's IC?
what do i want? i want we sit down and talk and rebuild our marriage
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Old 01-02-2013, 07:47 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: words mean nothing, acts do?

IC = Individual Counseling - therapy for YOU by yourself to work on YOUR issues.

MC = Marriage Counseling - counseling for YOU & YOUR SPOUSE to work TOGETHER on both your issues interacting with each other

CC = Couples Counseling - same as MC

If your husband WANTS to move out and YOU want to move out, why haven't you done so in the last two years? money issues? can't/won't leave his parents? can't move his business?

If therapists are hard to find in your country/area, what about elders? religious leaders (NOT related to your in-laws' religion)? older family friends? community leaders? I don't know anything about YOUR culture, but surely you are not the first young newlyweds who have problems in their marriage. Where do people in your culture USUALLY turn for advice support? There must be SOMEONE more than just HIS parents and YOUR parents that people use as a resource.

Have you considered WHERE you and your husband would move when you leave your parents. Have you looked into HOUSING and JOB OPPORTUNITIES in a new area? If you have, would you consider moving there FIRST and getting a job and home ready for your husband to join you? Or don't you trust that he would follow you there? Would HE consider going first and establishing a new household?

I guess I don't understand enough about your situation to offer advice, just more questions. But I think the answer to these questions MIGHT give us more ideas for helping you.

WHAT does your husband do that YOU quit your work and help him (doctor, lawyer, businessman?)
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Old 01-02-2013, 09:28 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: words mean nothing, acts do?

I assume you are in the Reconciliation section of this website because you would like to see things improve. If this is true and it sounds like it, then you are have the way there. He is telling you he loves you....then you guys just need to work on it.

I hear uncertainly in your writing, which is why I suggested IC. We can only change ourselves. If you can do both IC and MC with a pro-marriage counselor, even better.

We all have to start with ourselves and if we can change, it usually gets our spouse to follow the positive adjustments.

All in my humble opinion.

I wish you well.
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Old 01-02-2013, 07:51 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: words mean nothing, acts do?

hi slowlygettingwiser, thank you for the post
i'll answer every questions here.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SlowlyGettingWiser View Post
If your husband WANTS to move out and YOU want to move out, why haven't you done so in the last two years? money issues? can't/won't leave his parents? can't move his business?
all of the above. even yesterday he was still adamant and being defensive about his parents. he wants me to move out, but let his brother do the talking to their parents.'
he still plays the safe spot and people pleaser.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SlowlyGettingWiser View Post
Where do people in your culture USUALLY turn for advice support? There must be SOMEONE more than just HIS parents and YOUR parents that people use as a resource.
to spiritual advisors. and no we don't bring 'outsider' to family matter like this. that would be count as harrasing.i know, this is ridiculous to you, but that's what i live with

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Originally Posted by SlowlyGettingWiser View Post
Have you considered WHERE you and your husband would move when you leave your parents. Have you looked into HOUSING and JOB OPPORTUNITIES in a new area? If you have, would you consider moving there FIRST and getting a job and home ready for your husband to join you? Or don't you trust that he would follow you there? Would HE consider going first and establishing a new household?
it's his parents, not mine. we have business on our own, so job opportunity is no big deal. plus our clients aren't locals anyway, we do this AV&graphic&web design stuff.
if we're together and he asks me to move out first, i will, no problem for me. but the thng is, he wants me to move out AND separated. right now im have my eyes set to Bali. and no, i don't trust he would like to be with me at this moment.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SlowlyGettingWiser View Post
I guess I don't understand enough about your situation to offer advice, just more questions. But I think the answer to these questions MIGHT give us more ideas for helping you.

WHAT does your husband do that YOU quit your work and help him (doctor, lawyer, businessman?)
I was an editor for a magazine, a proficient writer. I published a novel as well. then he needed a graphic designer back then for his business but we didn't have the money to hire one. so i learnt some softwares, then quit my job. and it turned out good; i'm a fast learner, i worked hard [well, we did. we work from 9am til 1am if we had to]; and we were a great team together. i kinda like the new field.
now our little SOHO is growing, and just like that, suddenly i'm just his little helper and he's running a one man show. i actually have no problem with that. but as we get busier, im just his helper, no longer his wife.

i hope this answers your questions, and yes do please,ask me more if you need more infos in order to help us

Last edited by stopandmakecoffee; 01-02-2013 at 08:00 PM.
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Old 01-02-2013, 07:58 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: words mean nothing, acts do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by This is me View Post
I assume you are in the Reconciliation section of this website because you would like to see things improve. If this is true and it sounds like it, then you are have the way there. He is telling you he loves you....then you guys just need to work on it.
i would love to. until yesterday. he told me that he wants me to move out -for whatever reason that is. i became numb. i start to question his ulterior motives, i watch his body language; every twitch, every pupil movement. i start to see him as a petri dish while practicing 'Do Not Engage' policy as many TAM members suggested.im confused with so many mixed signals so yes im uncertain about anything at this moment. i feel that he's so cunning and i have to prepare to whatever con he's brewing inside his head.

Quote:
Originally Posted by This is me View Post
I hear uncertainly in your writing, which is why I suggested IC. We can only change ourselves. If you can do both IC and MC with a pro-marriage counselor, even better.

We all have to start with ourselves and if we can change, it usually gets our spouse to follow the positive adjustments.

All in my humble opinion.

I wish you well.
and i value your opinion, appreciate it. yes we can only change ourselves, and im not trying anything to change him or his mind. i don't know whether he wants to try counseling, but i'll try to talk to him. wish me luck, thisisme,thank you.

will write update for this thing ..
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Old 01-15-2013, 08:17 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default update. don't know what to feel

i really don't know where to start..

i've been numb for about a week. STBXILs put a distant, STBXH acted weird with all his groupie and all.so basically for the whole last week i was on a steady ground , ready to move on or to divorce.

BUT :

yesterday he finally got it, man up to his parents and told me things like he never did before. he finally admitted that he feels suffocated by his intrusive parents [and i kept my cool, saying nothing about it.just listened to him], and he told me that he wants to fix this marriage.

right now he wants to be alone [yes i got it, because i feel the same way. i want to be alone right now.reset and re-invent myself, the course of my life, and all], and he also stated that he still believes that this separation is for the good of our marriage. he told me that he felt confused because i put a wall to him, because he still wants to R.

fast forward, we both agreed to fix this marriage.
he also agreed to see a counselor, read marriage help books,keep in touch with me during the separation, and arrange meet ups later.

so i told him that it's going to be a hard work, it will take so much effort and we need to throw our ego out of the door when we talk about us & our marriage. i apologized for I've been prying on his feeling with a crowbar [figuratively, of course] because he always clammed up, hence i asked him to be more open, to be blantantly, brutally honest to me if he wants this marriage to work out.
he agreed and held my hand [$h1t, i was about to cry. but i held myself together and kept my head straight].

so i asked him, what was it that made us stopped having sex for 2 bloody years.
was he into porn? he said no [and i knew he's telling the truth because i've combed his PC and all, squeaky clean from porn and the trace of it].
was he having an affair? what about those girls? he told me no.since his body language supported his words, i [tried to] believe that.
he also told me that he never masturbated either, and only did it once for the whole year when he was single. he just didn't feel the urge for sex. quote , verbatim : 'I don't need sex'
so i asked him again : 'have you totally lost your sexual interest toward me? i don't turn you on again?'
STBXH : 'not quite. sometimes i want it, but you were too tired, and i don't want to make you feel uncomfortable'.

i started to think that he has low T problem, and i knew he has a liver condition that might contribute to the low T.

fast forward.
with him in this position [pro R], and me being ambivalent about all this.

#1 . i don't feel anything emotionally special toward STBXH. i've done so many things to sever all this emotional attachment so i wont get hurt anymore.

#2. i don't want to give him divorce, but i don't mind with infinite separation.

#3. somehow i still want this marriage to work out

#4. but i don't know how to be 'hand in hand' in order to fix this marriage while separation takes place. if i put some effort into fixing this marriage, that would be the total opposite of #1.

inputs? thank you..
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