i really don't know where to start..
i've been numb for about a week. STBXILs put a distant, STBXH acted weird with all his groupie and all.so basically for the whole last week i was on a steady ground , ready to move on or to divorce. BUT :
yesterday he finally got it, man up to his parents and told me things like he never did before. he finally admitted that he feels suffocated by his intrusive parents [and i kept my cool, saying nothing about it.just listened to him], and he told me that he wants to fix this marriage.
right now he wants to be alone [yes i got it, because i feel the same way. i want to be alone right now.reset and re-invent myself, the course of my life, and all], and he also stated that he still believes that this separation is for the good of our marriage. he told me that he felt confused because i put a wall to him, because he still wants to R.
fast forward, we both agreed to fix this marriage.
he also agreed to see a counselor, read marriage help books,keep in touch with me during the separation, and arrange meet ups later.
so i told him that it's going to be a hard work, it will take so much effort and we need to throw our ego out of the door when we talk about us & our marriage. i apologized for I've been prying on his feeling with a crowbar [figuratively, of course] because he always clammed up, hence i asked him to be more open, to be blantantly, brutally honest to me if he wants this marriage to work out.
he agreed and held my hand [$h1t, i was about to cry. but i held myself together and kept my head straight].
so i asked him, what was it that made us stopped having sex for 2 bloody years.
was he into porn? he said no [and i knew he's telling the truth because i've combed his PC and all, squeaky clean from porn and the trace of it].
was he having an affair? what about those girls? he told me no.since his body language supported his words, i [tried to] believe that.
he also told me that he never masturbated either, and only did it once for the whole year when he was single. he just didn't feel the urge for sex. quote , verbatim : 'I don't need sex'
so i asked him again : 'have you totally lost your sexual interest toward me? i don't turn you on again?'
STBXH : 'not quite. sometimes i want it, but you were too tired, and i don't want to make you feel uncomfortable'.
i started to think that he has low T problem, and i knew he has a liver condition that might contribute to the low T.
with him in this position [pro R], and me being ambivalent about all this.
#1 . i don't feel anything emotionally special toward STBXH. i've done so many things to sever all this emotional attachment so i wont get hurt anymore.
#2. i don't want to give him divorce, but i don't mind with infinite separation.
#3. somehow i still want this marriage to work out
#4. but i don't know how to be 'hand in hand' in order to fix this marriage while separation takes place. if i put some effort into fixing this marriage, that would be the total opposite of #1.