bordering on depression
It's been a few weeks since I posted...nothing has changed around here except my H and I spent a tense Christmas together (why did I agree to that?), then I realized how angry I am (he spent most of the day going down to the basement to smoke a joint, and then coming upstairs humming). We've been almost no contact since Dec. 27.
It is SO hard to arrange to share our daughter. I am so angry and don't want to share her, but feeling overloaded doing it all myself. She is 6.
He wants to borrow the car, he's talking to our friends about how SURE he is that it's over, and then he went to visit our daughter today at a friends' house even though we talked about her being with me all week.
I just feel so betrayed, and I'm losing my ability to be open. I'm scared that I can't hold on to a vision of us together, in a positive way.
NOw it feels like he just doesn't want to go back on his word, all our friends know he's DONE so he'd look like a wanker or something if he came back home? Why don't more people support their friends to stay in marriages?
Ours is not abusive, or in any way un-fixable, except that he doesn't want to.
My friend thinks I'm ridiculous for holding on this long (he told me it's over seven weeks ago, moved out five) but I have to - it's the only thing saving me. I think.
Where am I going wrong? This feels so awful, and the worst part is I'm doubting my own strength, and starting to let the tension and anger affect my interactions with my daughter.
I also don't want to get out of bed in the morning and have NO interest in cooking.
I wish I could be springing forward, moving on, 180-style, and I'm sort of trying that with the no-contact thing over the past week. But I'm SO ANGRY, it's hard to stay detatched.
We just exchanged a bunch of stupid texts because our babysitter bailed for tomorrow, and I stupidly asked him. He hasn't communicated when he wants to see our daughter, just keeps saying he's willing to "help out" whenever I need it, like he doesn't want to see her any more.
His inability to speak his needs is SUCH a trigger for me, as it's what happened when he announced it was over. No conversation beforehand, at any point, about what needed to change for him to be willing to stay. He just keeps it bottled up inside.
I feel ready to leave town with my daughter, mostly just so I don't have to see him. I know this is "wrong" but that's how I feel.
HELP! Any renewal of support for the 180 - or how to do it better? Anyone want to rage with me at how ridiculous he's being? Ha ha.
Any other coping suggestions for the loss of interest in cooking, wanting to much sleep, snapping at my daughter part of things? I feel badly but it just turns into RAGE at him for doing this to us.
How will I ever come back from such feelings of anger? I genuinely feel like he is ruining both of our lives.
(no, I'm not inclined to melodrama). But I do need some help.