bordering on depression
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Old 01-02-2013, 08:32 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default bordering on depression

Hi there,

It's been a few weeks since I posted...nothing has changed around here except my H and I spent a tense Christmas together (why did I agree to that?), then I realized how angry I am (he spent most of the day going down to the basement to smoke a joint, and then coming upstairs humming). We've been almost no contact since Dec. 27.

It is SO hard to arrange to share our daughter. I am so angry and don't want to share her, but feeling overloaded doing it all myself. She is 6.

He wants to borrow the car, he's talking to our friends about how SURE he is that it's over, and then he went to visit our daughter today at a friends' house even though we talked about her being with me all week.

I just feel so betrayed, and I'm losing my ability to be open. I'm scared that I can't hold on to a vision of us together, in a positive way.

NOw it feels like he just doesn't want to go back on his word, all our friends know he's DONE so he'd look like a wanker or something if he came back home? Why don't more people support their friends to stay in marriages?

Ours is not abusive, or in any way un-fixable, except that he doesn't want to.

My friend thinks I'm ridiculous for holding on this long (he told me it's over seven weeks ago, moved out five) but I have to - it's the only thing saving me. I think.

Where am I going wrong? This feels so awful, and the worst part is I'm doubting my own strength, and starting to let the tension and anger affect my interactions with my daughter.

I also don't want to get out of bed in the morning and have NO interest in cooking.

I wish I could be springing forward, moving on, 180-style, and I'm sort of trying that with the no-contact thing over the past week. But I'm SO ANGRY, it's hard to stay detatched.

We just exchanged a bunch of stupid texts because our babysitter bailed for tomorrow, and I stupidly asked him. He hasn't communicated when he wants to see our daughter, just keeps saying he's willing to "help out" whenever I need it, like he doesn't want to see her any more.

His inability to speak his needs is SUCH a trigger for me, as it's what happened when he announced it was over. No conversation beforehand, at any point, about what needed to change for him to be willing to stay. He just keeps it bottled up inside.

I feel ready to leave town with my daughter, mostly just so I don't have to see him. I know this is "wrong" but that's how I feel.

HELP! Any renewal of support for the 180 - or how to do it better? Anyone want to rage with me at how ridiculous he's being? Ha ha.

Any other coping suggestions for the loss of interest in cooking, wanting to much sleep, snapping at my daughter part of things? I feel badly but it just turns into RAGE at him for doing this to us.

How will I ever come back from such feelings of anger? I genuinely feel like he is ruining both of our lives.

(no, I'm not inclined to melodrama). But I do need some help.

Thank you.
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Old 01-02-2013, 08:47 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: bordering on depression

At this point you need to concentrate on yourself. That's all you can do.

You sound very depressed. You'd probably benefit from seeing a doctor for anti-depressants. The meds could help get you out of this slump you are in.

Do you have family who can help you with your daughter to minimize your contact with your H?

Perhaps it’s time you get some control back in this situation by filing for divorce. It would get him to realize that he does not call the shots in your life.. you do.
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Old 01-02-2013, 09:07 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: bordering on depression

I don't want a divorce. He doesn't call the shots...

But what's with the part of the 180 where you "go along" with everything the other wants? I feel like provoking the hell out of him now, and know that won't help, so I won't.

But if I act amicable, he's just going to think "great! this separation is going so smoothly!"

I can't stand the thought of that.
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Old 01-02-2013, 09:43 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: bordering on depression

The 180 is not about going along with everything the other wants. Where do you get that idea?

With the 180 you do not bring up emotional stuff all the time. But you can have a specific converstion about things that youo are or are not happy about. When you have such a discussion do not beg, plea, etc. State your point of view clearly.

YOu can put down boundaries.... like since we are separated stop spending time at my house. He can set, with your inputs, his periods of responsibility with your child.
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Old 01-03-2013, 09:03 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: bordering on depression

Lucy.. I feel the same as you. Except the anger part.. I mean I am angry sometimes but seldom, more sad and depressed, and hurt than angry.. But I am also almost unable to get out of bed or do things on the weekends anymore I mostly stay in my pjs all day and read a little and obsess about my situation.. It sucks. And I LOVE to cook. At least I used to. But it's been four mos since he left and I've prob only cooked like four meals.. Crazy! We've been eating soups and out of a tin can basically or out. I started on Prozac a month ago.. Helps some.. Best of luck to you. Im praying for you and all.
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Old 01-03-2013, 09:12 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I don't believe in the filing for divorce to get control personally. I think I'm finally starting to realize that the best and only way that he may come back.. It has to be on his terms and without pressure or begging. Men are like that. So for my New Years resolution I have decided to back off and be civil and friendly but to not initiate contact unless absolutely necessary regarding kids/finances. And that's all I can do at this point. Sounds like you should as well. If not already.? Will be best to help move on if that is the unfortunate end result as well. Sorry for the pain you're in.
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Old 01-03-2013, 10:49 AM   #7 (permalink)
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What's most difficult lately is hearing through mutual friends, what he's saying (I should just ask them to stop relaying this info to me), combined with the occasional time I've seen him and it's like HE's the one doing the 180 - so detached and friendly, he's in my presence for 10 seconds and he's humming - and then there's all the scenarios playing in my head, him with our mutual friends, not missing me at all, all the places we've been together and plans we've made that apparently now he doesn't want.

He's saying "it took me so long to be sure, so now i can't go back on that decision" and it chills me to the bone, because 1) he didn't fill me in on that process, or let me know at any point what I could do to shift things in a positive way, and 2) that's some ****ed up logic. Of course he can change his mind, that's what being a mature adult is all about.

I'm just trying to leave a window open for him to realize he can "come back," though I've said it's not coming back, we can move forward together because I agree completely that the way we were doing things couldn't continue. That's what MC is for, right?

Thanks veebras. I realized last night that I could just pick up some snack foods, and as long as I serve a veggie in there sometimes, we'll probably be okay. Crackers, cheese and pickles for dinner, anyone?
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Old 01-03-2013, 11:31 AM   #8 (permalink)
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My hb says same things and it happened same way! Such as he's said it took so much to get him to this point that's its too far gone and can't go back. And also e never let me know he was so unhappy or we needed to work on things. He never really tried in my opinion. And I wish we could really try. I was lost and this woke me up! But his leaving was out of the blue to me.. Sad.
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Old 01-03-2013, 12:05 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: bordering on depression

I think most of this b/s comes from the "wanting" of the feeling of difference. The different people, freedom, the excitement of being wanted by other people and able to act upon it.

Pisses me off that people are so weak.
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Old 01-03-2013, 12:15 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: bordering on depression

Hang in there. Last year at this time I was in the same boat. She had been gone for over 2 months, was not being very much help in working on our marriage.

The 180, this website and books like Divorce Remedy helped me through the tough days. In hindsight, the better I 180 and showed I could be strong and look forward, was when she dropped her wall some.

I think when you come to the realization that you may just have to move forward, it makes it easier to see things in a better light.

I wish you well!
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Old 01-03-2013, 04:54 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Thank you, this is me.

I've had a bit more energy today thinking about all the things that this could mean for me. Also I'm still angry. Also we have a joint counselling session coming up, which my H initiatied (for once) and I'm not sure I'm ready for. I still feel too fragile and angry. But it's in a week, so we'll see.

Also, coffee helps!

You know what he actually said to me (short rant coming)?

We were at a coffee shop some weeks back, trying to talk in a neutral space (ha!) and the deadly word "choice" came up, as in, him probably trying to get things to go a certain way and me saying, this isn't going to go exactly how you want, it was YOUR choice to start all this but I'm not going along with it. Or, more like, I was saying "you could choose to come back and work on things in a whole new way, there's so much we haven't tried, etc."

And he actually got up out of his chair, to reinforce how casually his next statement would be, and said, "Yes, Choose Your Choice" - a total jab at me as it's actually the title to a song our friend plays with his band. As if he's using song lyrics to justify his "choice"!? Does anybody out there in his life want to say, hey buddy, you COULD choose to work on your marriage...

The ****ing (false) sense of empowerment he seems to be gaining from this is ridiculous. I want him to suffer...
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Old 01-03-2013, 04:57 PM   #12 (permalink)
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And yes, there is a wall that he's acknowledged is there...brings out the hopeless romantic in me, picturing myself on the other side of his wall, picking wildflowers or serenely picking my harp, all calm and centred and just ready for him to come launching over the wall...or bust a hole through it to say hello to me. Hello - I'm a beautiful strong woman who wants to be your wife and have a great life together! You've finally come around!

(ha ha ha)...
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Old 01-04-2013, 09:25 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: bordering on depression

Lucy,

I sense you carry much resentment. Resentment is poison. Nothing is ever gained by it. What do you want? If your goal is to get your marriage on track and in a healthy place, then you need to look inward, because in the end this is all we can change. Sometimes when we change, the other person follows suit.

I wish you well!
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Old 01-04-2013, 11:38 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I am resentful. I wish I could just release it! I'm so mad that he acts like he's been sitting on this decision for years, all the while trying for a baby with me (I was pregnant this year, and miscarried at 4 months), making short and long term plans...


And the fact that he acts like because he's made the decision that he can't go back on it - as if, on principle, he's going to stay separated - is infuriating. It denies all the parts of me that are willing and able to work on what was wrong between us. He just doesn't want to see the truth!

It feels like I can't do anything inside myself to change this. Change myself, sure, but what for? The reality is we could work things out!

Can anyone remind me what a 180 really entails?

Thanks.
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Old 01-04-2013, 06:06 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Lucy, one thing that someone said to me really struck a chord in me. I was feeling resentful and all kinds of other emotions. But someone told me love is not obsessive. Love is softer than that. And that every time you pull or pressure it's a natural human reaction to resist. Sad. Ugh. But be loving and back off as much as you can if you want to save your marriage. Have and learn patience.. I'm trying too
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