Advice needed on how to reconcile
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Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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Old 01-30-2013, 07:10 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Advice needed on how to reconcile

I am new to these forums and hope this is the right place for this post. I am in a bad place right now with my marriage and am not sure what I should do or how I should go about it. My situation is that my wife of 3 and a half years has come and said that she wants a divorce. We have been together almost 6 years in total. I have not been the best husband ever. I love my wife more than anything else and do not have a reason for why I have not treated her with the utmost respect. I looked at the walk away wife syndrome and it seems to fit perfectly. I do not know if it would be wise to bring this up to her or if she will think they I am just placing the blame on her. I do feel that I am to blame for her wanting a divorce by not doing what I should have been doing all along. I have told her that I will do anything that she asks to keep our marriage alive. She has said she is not happy but I do not think that is the entire truth. It hasn't been that long (several weeks) since she has said that she was happy. I feel like she just thinks that I will not change but I know with all my heart that this is not the case which I have told her. She has even said that she thinks that I can change. The other part that compounds everything is that we have an 8 month old daughter that she has taken to her parents house. I do not want to lose my wife and she says I will be able to see my daughter whenever I want but call me "greedy", I want them both. I'm not sure how I should approach this in order to stop her thoughts of divorce. This whole thing is killing me. I do not want to lose her but don't want to offend her or push her away even more. Any advice from others is greatly appreciated.
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Old 02-01-2013, 10:32 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice needed on how to reconcile

Start with the understanding that if what you are saying is true, she's probably been building up to this decision for a long time and there is no magic pill you can swallow to change the situation. It's going to take time and effort and even with that, it might not work.

Start here: What does she want you to change? Is it reasonable? Are you willing to change it?

If so, start making the change(s). When you've done it long enough for her to notice, you can casually mention at some point, "Hey - you remember you said you'd wish I'd xxxxxx. I've been thinking about it, I've tried it for a while, and I really think it's been positive for me." Then drop it unless she comments. Don't beat her over the head with it. Just plant the seed that you are changing and back it up with action.

Also, do not move out. If she wants to leave so badly, she can leave. Make sure you have your daughter half the time. It's better for your daughter and puts you in a much better place should you guys eventually divorce. You want to be able to show you are an active parent.

Good luck.
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Old 02-02-2013, 09:23 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice needed on how to reconcile

Whether this was the right thing, I ended up leaving the house since that what she wanted. I honestly don't care about the house and would rather have my daughter and wife living there then myself or someone else. Plus she is the financial earner in our family and has put the majority of money into the house.

I'm trying to not be overly optimistic but I do not think that she is 100% wanting divorce. She has made a few comments that seem like a tiny shimmer of light that maybe we could work things out. She at least said when I agreed to leave that she was "not going to file paperwork yet." I have told her that I think that counseling would help us and truly believe it. I have made an appt with a counselor for myself to get some things under control myself first. Maybe she will see that as I am trying to make changes and agree to come with me and work on things. I am dead serious on making the changes that need to be changed.

I just don't know though. I don't want to be too optimistic but don't want to lose hope. She is the love of my life. She has even said during all this that she loves me but just can't love me in an intimate way because of hurt and profound loss. She did text yesterday and said she is "very serious about this separation. It is indefinite and likely permanent." I know that doesn't sound great but at least its slightly better than absolutely getting a divorce.

As far as our daughter is concerned, she had taken her to her parents house at the beginning of the week while we talked about this. She is picking her up today and coming back tomorrow while I'm working. She asked if I wanted her to bring her by my work so I could see her. I will still be an active parent since my wife works 13 nights per month. I will get her in the afternoon on those days and keep her overnight. She has also said I could have her anytime because she thinks it is important for our daughter to have me in her life.

I have read the book "The 5 Love Languages" and realize now that both my wife and I were speaking different love languages the entire time and I wasn't doing a good job at speaking the wrong one enough. She is allowing me in the house still and I'm going when she not there to do odd jobs that I should of done before. Her language is acts of service. Is it bad that I'm doing things for her now? I guess I'm hoping that she will see that I'm busting my tail to show her I love her and trying to make some of the changes she needs. I don't want to make her mad and push her away with this but I want her to see that I'm trying and want to do right. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
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Old 02-06-2013, 04:21 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice needed on how to reconcile

I would suggest contacting a lawyer to find out where you likely stand should the divorce manifest itself.

Second, move back into the house. It's a lot harder to do that later on than it is now, and it's a lot harder to work on things if you are away. If she wants to leave, let her leave.

You are thinking that this advice is bad and will simply push her away further, but the reality is that you need to think of you and these steps are in your best interest, whether you divorce or not.
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Old 02-06-2013, 07:16 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice needed on how to reconcile

Well I haven't talked to a lawyer since much of the talks with my wife have told me where I stand. I do not want the house. I would rather leave my daughter and wife there especially since my wife makes three times what I do and makes all the payments. Honestly, if it came to divorce, all I want is my things and to be able to be with my daughter. My wife has said many times that she wants me in our daughter's life and will not take her from me. We would have joint custody and I can live with that.

I agree that being in the house would make it easier to work on things but I don't think that will happen or should happen right now. I am still able to go there everyday to see and take care of my daughter which means I also get to spend time with my wife. So far, that seems to have been going well. I also have a free place to stay near my home which my wife doesn't. I also have met with a counselor about getting my anger/temper issues under control. His suggestion is to be separated 6 months to allow her to see the changes in me in hopes that she will change her mind about things.

Thanks for the advice which I am keeping in the back of my mind. Any other advice is always appreciated.
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Old 02-07-2013, 04:28 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice needed on how to reconcile

I would call an attorney - most will give you a free consultation. The reason you want to do this is to have a neutral person explain the legal ramifications of the current situation, should you divorce. The worst thing that can happen is that you spend 30 minutes and disregard everything he says... but he may give you some information that you really need to hear.

I would keep working on your issues, and do present yourself as best you can to your wife. Remember that blindly giving her anything she asks for can be a turn-off and also may lead her to conclude that life is better like this instead of when you were together. There is a balance between altering behavior and just letting her have full control of everything.

And keep being a great dad to your daughter! That's an easy one.
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Old 02-07-2013, 10:46 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice needed on how to reconcile

After talking with her tonight, she doesn't really want the divorce. She feels like she has been hurt and is not sure that she can ever get over that. She said "it will be a long and hard road and I can't make any promises of if I will ever have those feeling again". The counselor I saw for my anger issues thinks she feels that way now but will change with some time. Hopefully he is right. I may see about talking with an attorney and see what they have to say. Apparently she spoke with an attorney the other day who told her to go get a court ordered separation. She was on the way to do that when I called. She did not do it and is not planning on it for the near future. I hope we can work through this and get back together. I miss her more than I ever thought I could.
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Old 02-08-2013, 12:39 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice needed on how to reconcile

Quote:
Her language is acts of service.
You are eager to do your part. So keep doing it, whatever you did wrong, get it right!
Your words will mean nothing without ACTIONS so use words and actions.

Do not become a door mat. Do what you have to do that is right but do not be so full of guilt that you compromise so much that you become a person that she cannot respect.

From what you wrote I do not think your wife is wanting a divorce as much as she wants to heal and get things better.
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Old 02-08-2013, 05:51 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice needed on how to reconcile

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Originally Posted by handrew View Post
After talking with her tonight, she doesn't really want the divorce. She feels like she has been hurt and is not sure that she can ever get over that. She said "it will be a long and hard road and I can't make any promises of if I will ever have those feeling again". .
Hi

You say, your Wife does earn more and she is the one who "makes all the payments" for the house because you may be earning less. Does she have a say as to how you use your salary? Do you contribute any money towards the household?

I wouldn't be shocked if she feels she's "having to pay" for everything.

My oh was very selfish early on in our marriage and I was made to pick up most bills and he lived in my house purchased solely by myself whilst he was busy using what he earned for his own pleasures e.g. expensive hobbies, cars etc.

It took years for him to learn that whatever he earns belong to our marriage as well. I simply accepted his "way" over the years but finally I spoke out in the end.
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