What to do? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-31-2013, 01:32 AM Thread Starter
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What to do?

My wife of 3 1/2 years left me this past Sunday, she said she didn't deserve me and she was different from when we met and got married. She said she didn't want children, a family, or this life. She packed up some of her things, one of our dogs and left.

As she was leaving you could see immense pain on her face but somehow she was holding back the tears. We she left she hugged me but kept her head down but then kissed me and told me she loved me. I asked her why she was doing this, she stated she needed space to figure this out. That since she had an affair 1 1/2 years ago and all that fell through horribly for her and really hurt me too, but we were able to get past it I thought. Since, that time span we have been able to get along have good times, spend lots of time together and start to reconnect, but every couple of months there would be a blow up and she would mention it, or undoubtedly was the cause of the argument that I did not start.

She advised to me that I would never be able to trust her again, because she had broken that trust and its been almost 1 total since.

Since her leaving she called almost 2 hours later wanting to know how I was doing, I have never lied to my wife, I have been straightforward, I told her that I was really hurting and really confused. She told me that she loved me and always would, but this is what feels right, right now and what she feels is best for the relationship, that she needs space to figure this out.

Not only has she called on her own but has texted several times since then like normal when she goes to work or goes to her parents from work, that's where she is staying. She has called numerous times to my 2 times one about a storm that was coming and about picking up a vehicle from a service center.

I asked her yesterday if she would drop me off to pick up our other vehicle on her way to work, she said yeah that's fine we can do that, I'll pick you up around 9am. And again she reiderated she loved me.

This evening after I got to work she called and said she was at our house getting some clothes for work. I asked her how long are we gonna be apart I know its hurting you and its killing me. She said she didn't know that she needed some space.

I had been thinking alot since then and have came to conclusions about the problems that we have had. It seemed that we had routines when we were dating and the same routines after marriage. Those both changed when we both got new jobs, which throwed off our schedules and routines, where a few days a week we just passed each other or one was sleeping while the other was at work or vice-versa, or one would come home from a few hours before the other had to leave for work.

I really thought about this we never really stopped dating, but what happened we never took the emotional time to sit and create goals and learn from each other what we both wanted from the marriage. We got priorities way off and friends, co-workers, job, and wordly things like games, texting, tv got in the way.

I asked her this evening if that was the biggest thing that influenced the affair she said yes, she felt she wasn't loved, or wasn't wanted. She advised yes. She felt disconnected. Well, also months before the affair she stopped taking her anti-depressants so this only made it worse.

I asked her if we could comeback together and designate time for one another without outside influences, no phones, tv, radio, etc. for a few hours and we can talk this out no arguing figure out what each other wants and strive to make the changes, learn about the finances, both doing house chores together, spending quality time together intimate time, just basic alone time, time to reconnect. My wifes response was she wished she could roll it back over 1 1/2 to 2 years ago which would make it easier and we wouldn't be in this situation.

She agreed that both our priorities were off track and our marriage and even that both of us loved each other we both placed things differently.

I asked her if we could start the rebuilding and ease this pain and work this out and become stronger. She said I love you, but you need to give me space, I don't know what I'm doing or what I want anymore, I have to have time to figure it out.

I think i'm going to goto our family PCP and talk with her tomorrow to get some anti-anxiety meds and try and find a counselor to talk to and invite my wife to go along and see how that goes, at least it will show her that I am ready and willing to work this out.

So my biggest hurdle is time, how long do I give her? I'm already worried and upset and I want to honor her time, but I don't want her feel that I just sitting her doing nothing , I want to support her and show love and emotion, but unsure how to do that or if its right.

Also. I thought of writing her a letter and leaving it in her vehicle tomorrow when we leave explaining my love for her and how much I'm hurting and am willing to work this out, and tell her I care.

Can someone give me insight on this on what to do, you know it took me some time to figure out that the priorities were out of whack to fully understand what she was wanting me to understand and change.

I mean she has asked for changes in the past and those changes have been made but this goes to the roots of our marriage, so this is very crucial.

Can someone lend some help or support.

Thank You


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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-31-2013, 01:43 AM
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Re: What to do?

Sounds like you are going through a pretty hard time right now.

Are you sure that she ended the affair or that she does not have someone in the wings right now? The reason I ask is that often when a spouse says that they need space and moves out it's because of an affair that they are hiding from their spouse.

I think you would benefit from reading the book "Surviving an Affair" as it sounds like the two of you might not have really put your marriage back together well after her affair 1.5 years ago.

After that book there are some links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. The books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters" are espcially good.

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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-31-2013, 02:27 AM
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Re: What to do?

Originally Posted by medic View Post
She told me that she loved me and always would, but this is what feels right, right now and what she feels is best for the relationship, that she needs space to figure this out.
Tingles for her dbag... Is that what she is feeling?

Please, do yourself a favor, save yourself from the heartache as well as contact a lawyer asap...

...and sometimes good things fall apart so that better things and can fall together. - M. M.
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-31-2013, 04:48 AM
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Re: What to do?

The request for space is almost always a cover to pursue an affair.

1.she knows she will not be able to be faithful to you.
2. She does not believe that you two can recover.
3. While she may love you she does not believe she will be "IN LOVE" with you anymore.

Also read a married mans sex life, it not a sex manual it about what woman find attractive and how to keep that in a relationship.

Take care!
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-31-2013, 07:57 AM
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Re: What to do?

You cant give a timeframe to this. Both of you will know when its time to sort it out. It will come naturally. Just try and be patient as she seems to love you but is very confused as to whether she is in love with you. Big difference there.

I think she is sending you text messages out of habit.

The idea of writing a letter is good as she will see that you care for your marriage but don’t sound desparate. You need to let her know that you are willing to work on the marriage but you are not a doormat, or second choice should she be looking for something else.

I know this is difficult for you as you clearly love her but this so called space will be a test as to whether your relationship can be saved. The time apart will make her realise that she wants to be with you or not. Its something that you cannot control. But while separated you can remind her of who you are and why she fell in love with you 3 years ago. Try and stay positive and upbeat if you can.This will make her attracted to you again.

Good luck
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-31-2013, 02:41 PM
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Re: What to do?

Work on yourself and give her space. Stop being clingy. Doing 180 would be good for both of you, I think.
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