ReconciliationThis forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.
Before I officially became a BS almost a year ago, I always thought that the trust people talk of during R referred to the trust that the WS was no longer lying about where they are, what they're doing, etc.
While that's definitely a component, a year after D-Day, I've found that there's a very different kind of trust that I'm just unable to give: Trust that my W won't hurt me again. Trust that she'll always be in my corner. That's a completely different kind of trust than the more mundane "you are where you say you are" trust, and much more difficult to give.
In the last year as I've been able to look at the whole thing more objectively, I've also been able to look at my W more objectively, too. It's a sobering thought to look at the person you married and see past the justifications, the rationalizations, the psychobabble they threw at you for their cheating and see them for what they really are: An incredibly selfish person who was able to commit one of the most cruel kinds of betrayal against the person they claim to love. Maybe they knew it was wrong, maybe not, maybe they actively pursued it, maybe they made a bad decision in the heat of the moment. Doesn't matter. It was a conscious choice, no matter what rationale they use to try to back it up.
I look at that, and I just can't give her that kind of trust, the deep kind, anymore. Instead, I feel like I have to guard my heart and, even worse, that I must make this journey alone now. It's so odd, being a BS, I've never felt more alone in my life than after being married.
Does that trust ever come back? I desperately want it to. When I first married my W I felt like I was the luckiest man in the whole world, and like our marriage was gonna be this great adventure. I want that feeling back about my W so badly, I lay awake at night thinking about it. Is it possible to get that back?
Next month will be my year "anniversary", the first of 3 ddays.
I find myself in the same position as yourself, at times.
Does it ever come back?
I dont know. So im not much help.
It hasnt for me.
I know i want it to come back.
I know my wife actively tries to help me regain it.
But i wonder if she has broken something inside me that cannot be fixed.
Helluva note.
I will stick it out and see where the road takes me. I owe her that and i owe myself that. And i owe my children the chance of a life with their two loving parents.
So i will stick it out. I have given myself a firm date of january of next year. If it hasnt made a tremendous amount of progress by that time, i dont reckon i will give it any longer.
I hope you regain it. If you do, help me to do the same. Posted via Mobile Device
I had a talk with my W last night about all this stuff. I told her what I mentioned here, that I trust her actions and words but not that she won't hurt me again. I told her how lonely I feel, and how every day I'm a little more disgusted with myself for staying with someone who treated me the way she did.
I also cut through the crap and told her, while every reason and justification she gave me for what she did may be true, that doesn't mean that it wasn't hurtful, selfish, deceptive, or manipulative, and that unfortunately, that's how I see her right now.
I told her that I feel like she's taking me for granted. I have a great job that pays wonderfully. My W is in veterinay school and she literally studies all day, so I do all the cooking and cleaning. I don't mind supporting her, that's what spouses do, but she'd started to become overly critical of my cooking and cleaning. The other night she gave me the 3rd degree over how I boiled corn, and last weekend she gave a smart aleck remark about how I vacuumed a certain room. The cooking I understand, though she criticized without tact, but I'm former military and am almost anal about how I clean.
I told her that when we first got married, I thought I was the luckiest man alive and that I thought we were embarking on this great adventure, but that now I feel like our marriage is a burden due the reality of what she did.
I told her that the only reason I haven't divorced her is because I hold out hope that we can be happy again.
However, I also admitted that I haven't been doing a very good job of conveying my feelings to her, nor have I been doing my part to fix our marriage. I admitted that I've become so apathetic to our marriage that I really didn't care if we made it or not, even though deep down I care very much.
She had tears in her eyes the whole time, and she asked me what I needed her to do to show me that she loves me, she's sorry, and that she does appreciate me. I was a bit taken off guard at that. I've been so wrapped up in my own pain and anguish that I haven't really been thinking about what specifically she needed to do. I guess that's another area where I've been so self-absorbed that I've not been doing my part for the marriage. My two primary love languages are words of affirmation and quality time, so I'm putting together a plan to accomplish those things and to convey to her effectively what I need to hear from her.
Looking back on it today, I think I was a bit too harsh. But then, she was harsh by cheating on me, so...I don't know. I do know that I feel better. I think I was having a bit of a pity party for myself, but now I feel like I have a plan.
I have days when I am angry, bitter, resentful, sad for not ending the relationship. But I accept that its part of the healing process.
I wont ever trust him like I did before the affair. I use to think I was the luckiest woman to have someone like him. Now he is just another person with lots of baggage. But I still want to make this relationship work.
I have days when I am angry, bitter, resentful, sad for not ending the relationship. But I accept that its part of the healing process.
I wont ever trust him like I did before the affair. I use to think I was the luckiest woman to have someone like him. Now he is just another person with lots of baggage. But I still want to make this relationship work.
Only time will tell
This whole R thing seems to be a practice in dichotomy. One day, I'm very clear-headed and hopeful, the next I'm looking up lawyers. One day, I see my W as someone who made a terrible mistake and truly is doing everything she can to contribute to rebuilding, some days I see her as a selfish, hateful individual with no conscious who only loves the life I can provide her.
I agree that time has to be given, the only question is, how much? If I'm still feeling this way about my W a year from now, two years, etc, when does one say, "Ok, I'm obviously not gonna be able to move past this"?
My biggest barrier right now to being in my marriage is exactly the fear of going out on a branch only to have it hacked off behind me.
I know exactly what you mean.
I think the only way to move past this is to take that risk again. Yeah, we initially took a risk in getting married, and we got burned. But without being willing to take that risk, to extend that opportunity to your WS to prove themselves to you, then your M is dead in the water, anyway.
Maybe I've been intentionally not giving my W the opportunity to redeem herself bc I didn't want her to succeed. I've been so angry, so resentful, and so wrapped up in my hurt that I didn't even want her to be able to redeem herself.
By not giving her an opportunity, I mean I don't talk to her any more (except last night), we don't go out on date nights, I haven't been telling her what she needs to do to prove anything to me. I've just withdrawn completely from her. So in some ways, I think I'm just as much to blame. It's easy for me as BS to sit here and say, "You cheated on me, so you owe it to me to try to make this work" but then just throw her to the wolves and hope that she figures it out on her own with no guidance or insight on what's going on in my mind or heart.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's all my faut, nor am I trying to apologize for my W's behavior before or after the cheating. But last night when she point-blank asked me what she needed to do to prove herself to me, I just stared at her. I honestly hadn't given it much thought. That's not really giving her much of a chance.
Davelli: Do you really want to give her a second chance? If you do then you have to put this in the past. Yes she needs to show you that she is committed but you also have to give her the benefit of the doubt. It works both ways.
You cant keep punishing her. She knows she has done wrong.
Just use the time wisely and make the effort to heal together.
You will wake up one morning thinking you did the right thing or that you want out. I would just focus on the present for now.
Davelli: Do you really want to give her a second chance? If you do then you have to put this in the past. Yes she needs to show you that she is committed but you also have to give her the benefit of the doubt. It works both ways.
You cant keep punishing her. She knows she has done wrong.
Just use the time wisely and make the effort to heal together.
You will wake up one morning thinking you did the right thing or that you want out. I would just focus on the present for now.
One day at a time
I do want to give her a second chance. I think I'm just having a hard time reconciling the fact that in order to give her that second chance, I have to take that risk again.
Every time I think I've begun moving past it, she does something that triggers me. Instead of calling her on it on the spot, I keep it inside. Then I brood on it for a week or two and suddenly I'm ready for D.
I keep it inside bc a part of me feels that she doesn't deserve that kind of access to me anymore. But then when I reflect on it, I realize that by doing that I'm stunting any chance we have of making this work.
Yes you are most certainly taking a risk but then you have to believe that she no longer wants to cause so much pain to another person.
Its been six months since Dday and I still have my doubts but I try and brush them off. Triggers are everywhere and its expected. If my partner says or does something to give a trigger (within reason) then I question it.
What kind of triggers does she give you to stop you from moving forward?
And I wouldnt keep things inside you. Honesty and cummunication is so important at this stage. Otherwise your mind wanders and you are a prisoner of your own thoughts.
It will help you in the long run to be more honest to her
Yes you are most certainly taking a risk but then you have to believe that she no longer wants to cause so much pain to another person.
Its been six months since Dday and I still have my doubts but I try and brush them off. Triggers are everywhere and its expected. If my partner says or does something to give a trigger (within reason) then I question it.
What kind of triggers does she give you to stop you from moving forward?
What triggered me recently is when she became overly critical of my cooking and cleaning. This may seem like a small thing, but let me explain.
One of the hardest things for me to accept about all this is that by deciding to R, our WSes essentially get to have everything: They got to go have their fun and keep their marriage. Yes, we may impose new rules and boundaries, we may separate for a while, the WS may feel absolutely awful for what they did, but in the grand scheme of things, they got to have their cake and eat it, too.
More specific to our marriage, our D-Day was not two months before we were scheduled to move across the state so that she could attend veterinary school. As I've stated, I made a conscious choice to move anyway bc it was a good decision for both us and me whether we stayed married or not.
Still, the choice of city to move to, neighborhood, and house were all made so that she could attend vet school. I'd have rather moved to Dallas, but no vet school there.
I work 40 hours a week and make great money, so we have a nice house in a nice neighborhood. I also do all the cooking and cleaning bc my W literally studies all the time. When she gets critical of how I cook or clean, it makes me think that she's taking me for granted and not really appreciative of the fact that not only have I completely altered my life to support her schooling, but I did so after finding out about her cheating.
I do want to give her a second chance. I think I'm just having a hard time reconciling the fact that in order to give her that second chance, I have to take that risk again.
Every time I think I've begun moving past it, she does something that triggers me. Instead of calling her on it on the spot, I keep it inside. Then I brood on it for a week or two and suddenly I'm ready for D.
I keep it inside bc a part of me feels that she doesn't deserve that kind of access to me anymore. But then when I reflect on it, I realize that by doing that I'm stunting any chance we have of making this work.
I used to do this. The triggering and walling off. Refused to discuss triggers. Thought "I'll just handle it. Not gonna show him how weak Im really feeling" Thats a bad way to go about it For two reasons.
1. Your ws needs to see the damage they've done. They need to feel it.
2. It gives them the chance to step up and do something to help you. It gives thm an opportunity to show true remorse. It helps rebuild intimacy.
My biggest barrier right now to being in my marriage is exactly the fear of going out on a branch only to have it hacked off behind me.
I did the 180 to my ex-wife, did a LOT of self-reflection and reading on the role *I* played in our divorce and then as part of the healing process, shared that with her so as to move on.
She then wanted to try and reconcile things even though we were legally divorced, because according to her, it was almost entirely my fault. While I agreed that I played a role, it wasn't ALL my fault and when I pointed out to her the issues I had with her after hearing all of the problems she had with me, she dismissed it and didn't want to talk about it.
Which was the primary reason why we didn't work out -- communication was lacking. Fine if she could flay me out for my faults, but when I expressed a concern, it was deny, refute, dismiss.
And FWIW, I too did all of the cooking and 90% of the cleaning. She didn't respect it or appreciate it. But rather came to expect it.
It sounds like your wife believes that your role as a husband is to take care of her needs and be a servant to her desires/wishes. While that may be true, if what you're receiving in turn is far less than what you're putting forth, IMO the marriage is doomed.
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Reconciliation And The Two Kinds Of Trust 
