Hi everyone. I am a 42 yr old male and been with my wife, who is 34, for 13 years. Recently I have found out my wife is in love with another man. This hurts me beyond belief. After she had told me the history of this relationship with him (2 weeks ago) I have been hurting every waking moment. I know deep down inside this is all my fault. I have to admit I have been a terrible husband and father for a long time. I have just ignored my shortfalls. Took our relationship for granted, created mistrust, and every other imaginable fault. She once begged for my attention and I ignored it. I have never spent that much time with my son and have always felt bad about it. Basically I was just lazy and stupid.
I love my wife more than anything in this world and it makes me so depressed and angry with myself that I have turned this relationship into what it is today. I have always known where I was falling short as a husband.
To speed things up a bit I recently found out that their friendship of a few years turned into something more in depth. As odd as it sounds, this whole situation has completely devestated me but on the other hand has made me see the light of day. I now truely have come to terms of my shortfalls and I have decided I really want to change so I can make my family and myself happy. I know what I must do in order for that to happen.
Now she is in a bit of a struggle. She still loves me (but obviously not in love with me) and we have a son of 11 years together. She has said she will give me the chance and be totally honest with me. She has kept truths from me before in order to save my feelings. She is the type that has to be caught red handed in order for her to admit to guilt. So that being said, when she says she will be totally honest with me I am finding it difficult to fully believe.
I know right now is not the right time to push any topics with her but there are some things I must know. One is if she is really going to try to make this work. We all know that if you arent going to try then nothing will work. I asked her if she wants to do counselling. She said ahe didn't know. That confused me. She commented that how can she try and make things work if all she is doing is thinking of him. To tell you the truth I have no answer for that.
I guess what I need to know is there is any chance of making a relationship work under my circumstances? I am willing to do ANYTHING to make this work. I would appreciate any opinions out there and if you need more info to help me out then please by all means ask me.
First off you are going through what i felt. I was not the greatest husband show little interest in my kid. But that does not give your wife the right to go after someone else while you 2 are still married.
She should of talked to you and she didn't. That is not your fault. Im sure your like me if you knew your wife was capable and would of said hey idiot im gonna cheat, you and i would of listened. Its unfortunate that it takes something like this to wake us up. But it did. What you do with it is what you do with it. I was lucky and 2 months into it my wife realized how much she loved me, she got out of the fog and is now remorseful and is trying everything to make up for it. Please just keep in mind no matter what you did, unless you were abusing her, you didn't deserve this ok.
You need to hold her responsible for her actions. What she did is un acceptable. Get that through your head and might need to alpha up. Do not be needy, even though that is what probably caused a lot of it, you not showing enough emotion. But there is a difference between being needy and showing your wife you love her and how much she really means to you. Start trying to take her on dates, try to get both of you to remember why you fell in love in the first place. Its all you can do and then the rest is up to what she decides. You have no control over that. Might need to detach some, so just in case it does not go your way you are not left totally destroyed and you will be able to cope and think clearly and move on with your life.
Thanks Ody. I appreciate your response. There might be more details to our relationship then I posted in the first post. But when I look deep inside I know it was me who caused this. I know you say hold her resposible for her actions but I just cant. It was me. When she pleaded, literally, for me to spend time with her and my son and do family things together I just didnt listen. I didnt work on keeping our relationship going strong. She has said in the past that she sometimes feel like she stays with me for the security. I have a great job and she had to give up her career when we had our son. I am sure she feels a bit upset at having to do that. There has been lots of lies and distrust between us. Basically whatever would tear down a relationship we have experienced it.
I know it was me who caused all this by the fact that not for a split second in the last two weeks have I been mad at her for doing this. I caused it. I have to admit my wrong doing. All I hope for now is that she really wants to try. I understand what she has to leave in order to try. A guy she has been friends with for years and finally fell in love with him. That is a pretty powerful emotion especially when it was first based on friendship. I feel i am up against a brick wall because she is in that honeymmon phase with him and here is old me that has disappointed her for years. Now she is being asked to give up a friendship and someone she is in love with.
I can tell you that if I felt deep down he is the better man for her I would let her go. But knowing what kind of person I am capable of being I know I am better. But i have some many walls she has put up to knock down meanwhile this guy has no walls. I have to get through any distrust, honesty, consideration, etc.
I am just praying she will give an honest try with me and not a lets get through this 6 months to prove to him that things wont change.
Lol ok get ready, for this. I sat down in my basement while my wife went through 6 months of chemo therapy. She sat up stairs a complete medicated mess as i played video games. I ignored my wife continuously for 5 years during that whole time being addicted to a video game. Then one day after a surgery my wife had to have some cancer removed from her cervix before it got bad. It was a painful experience. That day once she got home i had plans to go golfing. I went golfing instead of staying home and taking care of my wife.
Every single time when my wife wanted to do something i said ok but wouldn't go with her, id be a 5 year old and throw a fit i didn't want to go, like i had something better to do then to be with my wife. Weddings, family events, going out with friends you name it i never went with her. It got to be so normal that people just expected me not to ever be there. Then one day i was actually gonno go and my wife was talking to her mom on speaker and pretty much her mother just automatically didnt even include me on what they were doing knowing that i was not going to go do to past history. That is when i realize how people around my wife viewed me.
My wife dealt with this for 13 years. Which in the end my wife ended up having a EA. Was going to be a PA but i caught it very early on so it didn't have a chance to get to that point.
It is never to late to change, you have to want to, and it is going to take tons and tons and tons of effort on you end to remind them that you are now involved. I have to remind my wife everyday now. when she is planning something im always chiming in how can i help when, were, what time. Im constantly telling my wife how beautiful she is, how wonderful she is ect. Don't stop, eventually she will see the man she fell in love with and see that you were willing to change. We all make mistakes, just make sure you go down swinging.
Start sending her flower, sud-ally of course. I mean you obviously cant be over bearing it is delicate. But i do know you are exactly what i was was. A emotional affair is the same thing you describe starts off as friends someone to talk to tell the issues with and then boom a connection. But honestly man she should of left you and not did the affair. yes you think everything is your fault but there are other ways to deal with it then doing what my wife and your wife did. When i say alpha up i mean it in a good way, take control be a man and suck it up and do what every man does when he is first getting a lady to like him. Dates or anything get creative, use your imagination. Show her tell her you know what you did. JUST DON'T GIVE UP YET. Like i said go down swinging cause in the end you will least know you tried instead of tucked tail and run. Its your choice man.
Hi Ody. Yes I can see now that you an relate. What kind of husband are you! I am so kidding. I dont get much humor in these days do forgive me. I am very happy for you that things are working out. Its nice to see that side of things and encouraging.
Tell me if you see this the way I do please. I got a facebook message from this guy confessing his love and her love to him last night. I asked my wife a few days prior if she loved this guy and she said no and it was no more than friends. Then he sent me a snapshot of their previous conversation and it admitted their love for each other. You can imagine how deep my heart sank. I confronted my wife about this and thats when she admitted her love for him.she also stated that she did not expect him to do that and continued to tell me that a few days prior he said that she better tell me the truth or he will. At first it didnt dawn on me but now I see that why is he giving her an ultimatum like that. In my mind if he truly loved her he would let her do things on her own and would wait if need be. Isnt that writing on the wall on what kind of guy this is? Maybe its just me but I would like to get your opinion. Thanks, Ody.
Well after 2 weeks she has decided to stay with me. I can not express how relieved I am. It is going to be a long hard road ahead for us but I am willing to do whatever it takes. I already see the rejection I get from her because she told the other guy that all ties had to be cut off. So now I get the roll over in bed and face the other way, sit on the other end of the couch, etc treatment. But I am going to take your advice Ody and push through that and still show her how much I love her and try and reinforce her decision and make her realize that she made the right choice. I love this woman like no other. Thanks Ody.
First off i got your joke, i liked it. I think the same thing all the time. Humor is important so try your best, you need to be able to relax. when your relaxed your more likely to be loose and not so up tight. People can see it even if you think your covering it well.
Also just be careful. You said she cut it off. Do you have proof of this. That is important. There are many instances were they say they cut if off and actually didn't and take it underground. So please be careful keep you guard up and keep a cautious eye out but do not be obvious, you almost need to let her relax and think your over completely over it. It is only 2 weeks and it takes longer then that to get over somebody. Emotional affairs for woman seem to be deep rooted they just don't blink and are over it right away. It took my wife 2 months. Please just remain cautious ok.
Do what you need to do and fix yourself. Not sure if you exercise and eat write, but start doing that stuff. Get yourself in to shape. It will help with your confidence and that shows change also. If your already healthy and exercise then i guess don't worry about it. May sound like a load of crap but also take this time and find yourself, find who you were when you first started dating and falling in love. With what Ive read woman are attracted to confidence. Try to find the book his needs/her needs. It will also give you good direction. Maybe even go to IC(counseling) if your wife is willing try to go to MC to.
Most people would preach doing the 180 but as i can see your fully set on this is your fault and if you were like me and read the 180 you'd feel like that it was what you were doing to get in this situation in the first place. Main thing i did was just make sure i was ready for the worst. While i was doing everything i need to show my wife that i can be a new man and the man she deserved.
Seriously man good luck. I hope it goes well for you. Just keep in mind that yes you feel this is your fault, but there were other ways your wife could of delt with this then how she did. That is one thing everyone says which it is true, but i understand how you feel so im not going to preach all that. Just be careful and take care of yourself ok.
Oh and if you feel like there are times you just need to release tension and stress feel free to PM me. Nothing is more important then getting stuff of your chest or you'll end up exploding and taking 2 steps back every time. If you wife is on the fence that will not help you, it will only reinforce her thinking on the other guy. But try to do all you can to keep her mind focused on you and try to get the guy pushed farther back in her head until it disappears. Right now she is trying to decide if she is making the right choice.
Hey Ody. Funny as it sounds after a couple posts but it seems like you know me! Lol
I do work out. It has been a lifestyle of mine and hers before we even met. It is a good connection but on the other hand i think deep down it also promotes a competition between us but not in a great way. I have alsways complimented her on how great and sexy she looks but i dont get the same in return. That does hurt but i know when I look good and dont need her telling me that but it just is nice to hear, you know.
I do TEND to believe she cut it off but as you say keep the guard up and trust me i do. Unfortunately this guy goes to the gym as well and even the last 2 weeks my wife stoped going and works out in our gym downstairs. So the good thing is that the source of their main meeting place is cut off. But I know her so well I can sense when something is wrong or out of place and hopefully I dont see anything out of place for here on in. He is also off her facebook too UNLESS she can hide one individual off her list but I dont think you can. Will keep my eye out for that one. The one thing i do have to watch out for is in the last while he gave her a cell phone so she can text him. So unless I find a cell phone kicking around that might be a hard one to pick up on. I am going to assume she doent have that phone anymore well at least she says she doesnt.
She went into the room the other night and cried her brains out because she know she had to break everything off with this guy. So common sense says that if they are going to keep it quiet and behind my back then why cry like that. Anything you can suggest to watch out for I would be appreciative.
She does admit that she brought thos whole thing on herself and she knew she opened pandoras box and the day would come that she would have to choose so I belive she is feeling at fault too.
Other than that I am and have took a long look in the mirror at myself and didnt like what I saw and know what I have to do. Even if things go sour between us I know I will be a better man for making to changes I have to make. Staying postive for me is key and in the end tomorrow is a new day.
Just like to say thanks for your help and appreciate the fact that guys like you are out there. And ust me, I am sure you will be hearing from me soon enough! Thx bud
No problem, this place helped me a lot to cope, and after reading some of the stuff people go through i kinda feel lucky i didn't have to deal with half the crappy stuff others have. But mostly reading through other people stuff and seeing the advise they were getting kinda gave me good signs and stuff to keep on eye out for. The coping with infidelity area was a good area to get that stuff from.
But with advice on what to watch out for to tell you the truth, you seem like you have a good idea on what to watch out for. I don't have much of a back story to go off of with your situation. I see she said she confessed after the guy pushed her. I don't know if she stays at home or works. People usually suggest putting a VAR hidden in the car and the most obvious places were she could possibly talk to him privately. I could not follow this advice, my wife's interactions were all on her phone, through face book and text messages that she would delete. She never called the guy so VAR's wouldn't of work for me. VAR is a voice activated recorder just in case you didn't now. There not to bad to find, Amazon, Radio shack, Best Buy.
But most the time id see people say just go off your gut. That is usually never wrong. You know you wife's habits and moods and such. So staying aware is about all you can do. But like you said her going off and crying was a good indicator. When you noticed that did you console her in any way after the fact? Just curious.
It is funny how you said its like i know you, it was striking when you said that you tell your wife how sexy she is and compliment her and all that stuff, but she never does it back and it hurts your feeling. I was and am going through the same thing. I do need to hear it though cause ive always dealt with appearance self esteem issues. But since my wife and i are communicating more and breaking down this non communication brick wall we had, i did tell her it would be nice to hear a occasional compliment. So she has worked on that. But unlike you i was letting myself go a bit, so i had to get active again and healthy.
But any way you sound like a good guy, you just got to comfortable that something like this would never happen to you i know i did, so like me you just started taking everything for granted.
By the way reading back i never answered your question about my opinion of the guy and what he said. First off any guy who would allow them self to get involved with a married woman, says to me scum, no morals ect. With him demanding your wife to tell you, makes him sound like a control freak in a way. He was probably hoping that would encourage you to leave her ect. There was definitely a hidden agenda he had brewing. But you are spot on with your opinion.
Well when she went off crying she did it in the bathroom and locked the door so I just let her be.
Yes as for the compliment thing, i did at one point let myself slide. Like I mean I went fat mode. Ballooned up to 230 for a bit. One day I said enough was enough and lost 55 pounds of that unsightly crap. Not to toot my horn but I felt great and looked just as good. I got compliments left right and centre from people that knew me when I was 230..............all except my wife really. The one person that I wanted the compliments from. Needless to say that hurts a persons feelings knowing how much work and dedication that went into that.
Yes my friend would tend to agree with you on our opinion about him trying to make her tell me about the whole thing. He thought he was just trying to stir the pot and cause a fight between my wife and I. Oh well, didnt work. Cant cause a fight if I am not mad.
Went through this last year but lost her to OM. I think you are on the right track. I did everything wrong. I became a crying, begging sissy. nothing will turn a woman off more. I agree you need to go down swinging but do it grace and dignity. It may sound silly now, but if things do not go well you will be glad you did. Just a heads up, this divorce life SUCKS! Do all you can to save your marriage if that is what you want to do. The only thing that worries me is you are in a panic fog right now, believe me I was there. You just have to be sure that if things do work out between you that you NEVER throw the affair in her face years down the road. This may now seem like something you would never do, but 6 months to year down the road when you and your wife find your new normal and you get back to real life things will change. just make sure you are able to deal with the thought of her and him being together, because that is something you will NEVER get out of your head. I was sooooo much like you. I did everything wrong and blamed myself for her affair. Like everyone is telling you, they told me. She had an affair. WRONG WRONG WRONG on almost any level. You will realize that one day and I hope it does not change things between you and wife down the road.
Well I can understand how you became the crying sissy and all that. Right now I fell like talking about all this with her constantly but I know that will just push her away. Its hard to separate what you want to do and what you have to do. Everyone says be strong and positive. I know thats what I should do but its hard when you just had your enitre world flipped around. I had to take time off work for this and honestly cant see myself going back for months. Not really a job where you want to be an emotional wreck.
As I told you she wants to try to work this out. She says its more out of obligation to the family at this point. With a lot of hard work, showing her I will be a new man, I hope that obligation will turn into just a desire to be with me. The hardest part in the whole thing Ody is I know she is still in love with this guy. Tis is killing me because of the barrier it creates for me. If he wasnt in the picture it would be a totally different ball game. When we are driving down the highway and I can see her staring out the window I know she is thinking about him. When we lie in bed and she is staring at the ceiling I know she is thinking of him. This is weighing hard on me. I told her with time, her pain will go away. It always does. I have been there before and It took me a couple months to get over the pain of someone and I wasnt even in love with the person.
I just feel at this time I cant even get close to her with her feelings the way they are. I know people say you just have to let her be so she can sort this out. What I am terrified of is her giving it a second thought and deciding she wants this guy back in her life. I just wish her feelings would diminish a lot quicker for this guy.
I wish there was an easier way through all this. The next while is going to be very painful. But if the day comes weeks/months down the road and she changes her mind and decides to go I dont even want to know what state I will be in at that time.
You walk a precarious line ASKING4HELP, although I think what you are doing now is the right thing. I'm really surprised how quick it was for your wife to have cut off the OM. Normally a wife having an affair will not because she is in the fog. You really need to put on some sort of surveillance to make sure she is not communicating with the OM because if she is, you will NOT get her back.
I can relate to many of your posts, especially about how you feel like you look great and where everyone congratulates you except for your wife. The reason why? She's in love with someone else. How long ago was your weight loss? She was already in love with the OM then.
Right now she is going to resent you. I think you have already accepted that. I know you are trying to make the changes, do them, but also do it where it doesn't look fake but sincere. Not easy to do, but if you keep at it, your wife will eventually realize that this is the real you.
I guess what I need to know is there is any chance of making a relationship work under my circumstances? I am willing to do ANYTHING to make this work
Sure there is. Now for the hard part.
Do all those things that you said you have to do but do not become a door mat or disrespect yourself. You have discovered and admitted your mistakes so donít waddle in your guilt but get busy and improve yourself. No more need to beat yourself up. Your wife is weak and so are you so do what you have to do for YOU to get stronger!
You have stated that you cannot work for months due to your emotional state. That has got to change dramatically and quickly. You seem like you are in such a low emotional state that you will not be good for anyone if you stay that way. Even though you are consumed by what your wife is going to do you must concentrate mostly on you. You cannot change your wife but you can change you a whole lot! It is your only chance.
Your weak wife does not need a weak man to help her she needs a strong man. Build yourself up body, mind, and spirit because that is going to pay off big time in ether case. If your wife and you get stronger so that you save the marriage your new strength will help you and her keep that marriage. On the other hand if your wife going to the other man then you will at least have some strength to make it through the real rough period. With that strength you will get through the rough times and in time you will be a lot better. It will be a loss if your wife leaves but it is not the end of your life and you can have a good life even if she leaves. Millions have done to and so can you.
When appropriate tell your wife that you really value and love her and your whole family a whole lot and that you are going to become a better man. Do not be mushy or a wimp but just state that in a stern way then show her with actions that you meant it!