Re: When your heart isn't in it but you want to try reconciliation
Please be patient with yourself and your wife: Two weeks is way too short a time for the fog to have lifted from your head and the pain to have dissipated for your wife. You are in deep withdrawal as if from an addiction, which basically an affair is, hormonally. She is in shock and when that wears off you will have to face an incredibly hard set of emotions from her.
You say you came from an crazy childhood; please read up on how this upbringing could have effected you: very often, even though the coping behaviors we learned as a child can be destructive as an adult, we return to them because of the security they bring us. You married for peace and normalcy but perhaps what was missing was the drama, and uncertainty of your childhood? An affair would give you both. Perhaps you married for safety and friendship rather than in the heat of romantic love? Please understand, neither is wrong, and the buzz of the "honeymoon" period of love wears off in about 2 years anyway.(Perhaps this is what motivated your AP to call off the affair and return to her H)..so you are left with what you may have married for in the first place...
Now comes the challenge for everyone committed to their rightful spouse: how to grow the hot love of a new relationship into a stable, deep and meaningful relationship that will weather the storms of life: illness, disease, loss of income, children who are not perfect and including, unfortunately, even infidelity. No one gets a guarantee for a trouble-free life. The meaning of your life and your character is how you learn from the mistakes you make and the challenges you face...with what you learn, and the courage you show in overcoming the inevitable suffering of life, you grow into a better, more complete human being.
You can strengthen and revive your marriage but I think it will take extra effort in your case because of the infidelity. Please start with reading a few books on infidelity to understand how your childhood effects your views of marriage, how an affair impacts your spouse, how a different sexual partner affects your perspective on your own marriage and spouse...while difficult, when your own emotions are in a snarl, try to think of and empathize with your wife and what she must be going through...if you think you have it rough, multiply that for her 100 times over. Marriage counseling may be expensive but is an investment well worth the price. The internet offers an immense amount of free advice...make an effort to understand yourself, your spouse and the relationship you share, that you make together before you decide...give yourself some time.
A helpful book is "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. Instead of weighing pros and cons, she advises the diagnostic approach to gaining insight on whether to continue a marriage. But again, I can't emphasize this enough, it is too early after the affair for you to decide. Good Luck
Last edited by allwillbewell; 05-02-2013 at 06:49 PM.
Reason: to complete a thought