I'm back again - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-30-2016, 10:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm back again

Hello Everyone,

Crazy to think that in 2016 I'm still on this forum occasionally. Which is actually why I am here.

Things aren't going great at this point. Sorry to say, and as I had prior concluded, my marriage never seems to have been able to get it's right footing. This seems to fall heavily on me though as I never really got over the unexplained events several years ago and never really felt that trust re-form.

We didn't really do much in the way of counseling as it felt very unauthentic. Like we were both trying to protect ourselves and own pride/image which kept it from being the open forum it should be. Unfortunately I highly doubt my wife's ability to stay objective and actually hear whats happening rather than just personal blame.

I'm back to considering if moving forward towards divorce is the right thing. I've thought about this a lot over the last year. In many ways when we first filed back in 2011/12 that was probably the right decision. Although it wasn't being made for the right reasons, the decision would have put both myself and my wife in a better position to live fulfilling lives. As things are now, if we're not fighting we are very distant. She believes I'm incapable of being happy and states I'm always miserable. I don't really know if this is true or not since I don't see me that way. My co-workers generally say I look and seem happy. Friends state I seem happy and close friends always state I seem happier without her.

It's hard to come to a determination that the woman I wanted to spend my life with is in fact probably the largest origin of confrontation. Which I believe in marriage as constant evolution and always working towards building something stronger. However the idea marriage should always be "work" I believe to be faulty. That to me points towards core incompatibilities as well as overall out of sync lives that is creating a combative and difficult environment that you are adapting to dealing with. Not a healthy relationship that is conducive to growing together.

With all of this on my mind, I've found that my attraction to my wife has also dipped significantly. My wife is a gorgeous woman, which from the standpoint of physical attributes checks off all the right things. She is very smart and definitely isn't a bad person. I've come to feel though she may be bad for me. Bear with me on the analogy: she is new york cheesecake and although I love it, I shouldn't eat it all the time. We both have grown up as people, I just feel we have not grown up together. There isn't a good connection between us and it takes very little for the relationship to become strained.

So now I'm back at square one, which is do I work on trying to restrengthen something that I feel is so damaged it may not be in either interest to fix or do I finally do what I feel should have been done several years ago and start over. Make myself well emotionally and then work towards finding something that fits compatibility with who I am.

I have no idea if she has started up old behaviors and honestly I have no desire to know, now I'm just trying to decide what should I do for me. This isn't even a request for replies, do if you'd like but more of a mental dump of where I'm at in my saga.

Thanks,

MTTS

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post #17 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-30-2016, 10:35 PM
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Re: I'm back again

I wasn't around then, but move on with your life bruh.
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post #18 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-30-2016, 10:38 PM
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Re: I'm back again

See you next year.
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post #19 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-30-2016, 10:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm back again

I don't want to be here next year!

Not that you ladies and gents aren't awesome, but I'm sick to death of even thinking about marriage problems.

Life's worst game
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post #20 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-30-2016, 10:56 PM
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Re: I'm back again

It appears you never got the truth. Which means no remorse, no heavy lifting, no healing.

An experiment in undefined reconciliation.

And the results are in, but you dont know how to interpret them.

Just for fun schedule a polygraph for her.

Forget all the crap about reliability, just do it!
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post #21 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-01-2016, 10:54 AM
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Re: I'm back again

Mtts, I agree you should quit pissing your life away chasing a marriage that will never meet either of your needs. You're miserable and so is she. Forget the remorse and heavy lifting. Once their love interest in you drops, it never comes back no matter how hard they may struggle and strain to keep a life with you. And I believe many waywards try to patch it up, but there are too many pieces that are long gone.
People usually point to the lack or remorse and heavy lifting as the cause of a failed reconciliation. The missing piece however is when the degree of love is lacking, there's no remorse and no desire to do any heavy lifting. Its all they can do to stay in the same room with you.
It's way past time to close the books on this my man.
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post #22 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-02-2016, 05:22 AM
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Re: I'm back again

MTTS, sorry you are in this situation, but you need to sit down and have a very frank conversation with your wife, why come here once a year? Better still get a MC and sort though all the issues, a good MC would be able to walk you through what is missing, etc and see if you should go separate ways.
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post #23 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-11-2016, 07:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm back again

I've been having lots of open discussions recently. I know what is missing and why I feel the way I do.

I just never got the trust part of it back, I tried desperately to fill that gap but wasn't very successful. Whether I didn't try hard enough or focus those efforts in the right way, I don't know. I do know that more often than not I'm thinking about different reasons why it should end, or easy ways for me to exit without it hurting her. Such as, I wish I could just walk in on her in the middle of something, it's an easy exit, removes the choice.

Which for the above reason I feel like anytime one is not only hoping but actively wishing that something would happen to give validity to the choice, it's no longer about making it, but whether you are doing it for the right reasons. My reasons really come down to, after a lot of hard feelings and misses in communication early on, I don't see it as repairable. I associate more negative things with it than positive.

Which none of this isn't to say I don't love her. I know I'm not actively in love with her as I can't have the types of feelings I do if that were the case. Which also for those who may be new to this, isn't that you can't fall back in love with someone. But there needs to be a mutual ability to forgive and rebuild/bond. If one, or both of you isn't able to, it's pointless.

She may or may not have done anything conducive with infidelity, but what I do know happened seems to have irrevocably damaged the trust and I can't move past it. For this reason I believe I'm now ready to file, and finalize this chapter of my life. I turn 28 in a few days and as much as this terrifies me for mostly unnecessary and unlikely reasons, it's still scary. I've been with one person for a decade and the idea of starting over and building a new life is incredibly hard for me to imagine. I have difficulty imaging a life that doesn't include her in it but at the same time I know that it's due to our relationship, my issues included, that I'm not living a life that is fulfilling. I considered just sticking it out just because, but that's not fair to her either. I hate the idea of her having a new life with another man as well, but is that so different than her having an affair at some point out of resentment or necessity because I can't give her what she needs.

It's the toughest spot I've ever been in but I believe I am now ready to finally complete this and say a fond farewell to all the helpful words I've read here.

I know for some TLDR, which I apologize!
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post #24 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-13-2016, 11:25 PM
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Re: I'm back again

MTTS, have you shared all of this with her? You have nothing to lose. It looks like you are hanging on by your finger tips. I suspect if you lay bear exactly how you feel and see and hear her reaction, then you will have little difficulty in knowing what you need to do. It is tough of course, but you are still very young, have your whole life ahead of you. i was only 3 years into marriage at your age!

Another issue you will learn no matter who you are married to, love is not a feeling it is a decision, a commitment.

At the beginning of course its all emotions, feelings, rainbows and unicorns, but as the scales fall from your eyes and you realise you are living with a flawed human being, then you need more than feelings and emotions to work through the marriage. That is not to say there will not be great times, good times but there will also be bad times. You may not realise this yet.

Only you can decide whether this woman is the one who you can be committed to regardless of your circumstances.
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post #25 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-13-2016, 11:38 PM
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Re: I'm back again

When do two people say...it's time to say goodbye? I can't imagine struggling for years, only to keep coming back to the original place I started. I think you're wasting your life, trying to grow a marriage, when you should cut the weeds and move on. You can part friends, sounds like that might be possible. Not advocating divorce, but to keep struggling and struggling...and sounds like you're not even connected at this point, when is enough ...enough?

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post #26 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-14-2016, 07:49 AM
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Re: I'm back again

Nothing in your posts has really changed in 4 years. You've been mulling over the same feelings and issues with zero improvement (sure there's some good times, but the very bedrock of a relationship--trust--isn't there). It's not likely to come back if it hasn't by now.

Stop torturing yourself. Time to pull the plug on this.
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post #27 of 28 (permalink) Old 07-21-2016, 08:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm back again

Update, why not everyone loves a good update.

I'm in marriage counseling which is going ok I guess. It's hard to gauge such a thing, but overall I can say I've been pretty open during it, so has she. I made it an upfront statement, that I wasn't really in a place anymore that would lean towards continuation for the marriage. I'm not ruling it out, I guess a wild card event could happen where I have a "realization" and we mend things. I'm not really thinking so though.

My wife believes a lot of what is happening stems from a friendship with a co-worker and one who happens to be my boss, a woman I've worked with for 6 months. I admitted, she's a very nice person and a person whom I definitely enjoy interacting with but beyond that nothing has occurred. My wife is unconvinced, partially due to me being somewhat guarded about the friendship as I don't see it being inappropriate. With that, plus me being less engaged I know why she makes the draw/conclusion though and don't blame her, although it is difficult to deal with.

With all that said, I've still mourned/felt sadness about the relationship. I do love my wife. Situation isn't fun but I hope to post something someday that says "I figured it out, life's recipe that makes me happy!"

Thanks for anyone who reads these and can relate or just lends their kind words.
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post #28 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 12:04 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm back again

Hello TAM,

So I am going to open up and be incredibly vulnerable. Part of this is due to my inherent need to be transparent and honest. The other part is that I feel for those who have followed my life this long, I owe it to you to finish it.

I've officially filed as of about 30 days ago. I am choosing to end my marriage to a very beautiful, driven and hard working woman whom I've had the absolute honor of calling my wife. I'm hurt to let her go as I do have a very deep sense of attachment and love for her. The commitment that I made and the time I dedicated to trying to build a life with this woman is something I will never regret.

Here is the part I owe to everyone, including myself, to be honest about. The above mentioned co-worker/boss whom I worked with. We did end up crossing a line, prior to me being filed. My wife and I were in counseling and I was actively working to end the marriage. I had expressed for months I wanted to end things. At that time this woman and I had not done anything but I certainly had considered it. Unfortunately this is something I'll have to spend more time in counseling dealing with as I didn't honor, regardless of circumstance, a promise. I lied to my wife about it occurring, although she actually followed and saw me kiss this woman. I lied about it for months.

After I finally had the courage, or maybe the apathy to admit it I felt an enormous weight both lift but also the new weight of my decision. I felt relieved I was honest, open and accountable. I also felt incredibly selfish, hurt and disappointed that I hurt my wife. It doesn't matter what happened in the past, my decision was made as it's own choice. The past may influence how I felt but it does not excuse what I did. After admitting it to my wife, I did so to my in laws in person. This has to be one of the single most humbling experiences I've ever gone through. It was surreal to speak those words to them. This was done the day before a 3 week business trip (not with this other woman). When I returned home, I did the same thing with my own parents, admitted what I did in person. I felt the need to own it directly and be accountable for it. It was important to my wife, but also to me.

The part that become far less honorable or maybe makes the most sense is after I admitted what had occurred, I simply committed to the choice. I just decided that if I had gone the direction I had, there was no real recovery possible. My wife expressed to me that she anticipated I'd do what she did in 2012, which is stop everything and ask for forgiveness. Part of why I didn't was how she positioned the situation to me as there being a very strong chance she'd walk out anyway, but at least it'd show I tried. Being told that, I looked at all the past issues and the fact things were so weak that I finally succumbed to flirtation outside of the marriage, what was the real point in "fixing it." She continued to reiterate how she was expecting me to beg forgiveness which I asked her to forgive me, she said she did. However she made a number of statements and continuously about how she felt about me. None of them instilling in me any belief that us continuing would be a good idea. I shouldn't have crossed this line, but I did and can't take it back.

So I proceeded with filing and moving forward with separating from my wife. At this time I'm now just more reflecting on the what if. I am sad for the life I thought I'd have, not so much about it ending. I really do love her and still have days I think about how I miss her. Which I do, I miss things about her, I will absolutely miss sharing time together. When it was good, it was really good. She can be an incredibly passionate person and showered me in love. However being I healed on my own while she was in China for 10 months and we didn't do a ton to really professionally fix what happened, I feel this just set this up for failing. It's not an excuse but I felt a deep hurt that I had to deal with alone. I didn't take it out on her the same way. Day after day attacking her character. I have brought it up periodically throughout the marriage, which is my fault. If I was going to move on and try and fix it I needed to let it go.

I guess if anything this is just for my own cathartic need. To make myself vulnerable to individuals who will likely be incredibly divided on my decisions. Which I even am day to day, divided on my own actions. I hope that this is read with it's intent, accountability. I'm not sure if I'll regret this 1 year from now or 5 years or 10. What I do know is I truly love the woman I'm letting go and I wish and want nothing but happiness for her. I want her to build a life that she feels fulfilled in. I want her to experience nothing but support, love and compassion. I want her to feel that she is the center of that special "someones" world. That she is the most spectacular woman to exist. I want her to know that I love her deeply and maybe in different circumstances with different decisions we'd have side stepped all of the hurt we shared. I know that I will remember you at the best you gave, not at our worst together.

With humility,

MTTS
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