I've been having lots of open discussions recently. I know what is missing and why I feel the way I do.
I just never got the trust part of it back, I tried desperately to fill that gap but wasn't very successful. Whether I didn't try hard enough or focus those efforts in the right way, I don't know. I do know that more often than not I'm thinking about different reasons why it should end, or easy ways for me to exit without it hurting her. Such as, I wish I could just walk in on her in the middle of something, it's an easy exit, removes the choice.
Which for the above reason I feel like anytime one is not only hoping but actively wishing that something would happen to give validity to the choice, it's no longer about making it, but whether you are doing it for the right reasons. My reasons really come down to, after a lot of hard feelings and misses in communication early on, I don't see it as repairable. I associate more negative things with it than positive.
Which none of this isn't to say I don't love her. I know I'm not actively in love with her as I can't have the types of feelings I do if that were the case. Which also for those who may be new to this, isn't that you can't fall back in love with someone. But there needs to be a mutual ability to forgive and rebuild/bond. If one, or both of you isn't able to, it's pointless.
She may or may not have done anything conducive with infidelity, but what I do know happened seems to have irrevocably damaged the trust and I can't move past it. For this reason I believe I'm now ready to file, and finalize this chapter of my life. I turn 28 in a few days and as much as this terrifies me for mostly unnecessary and unlikely reasons, it's still scary. I've been with one person for a decade and the idea of starting over and building a new life is incredibly hard for me to imagine. I have difficulty imaging a life that doesn't include her in it but at the same time I know that it's due to our relationship, my issues included, that I'm not living a life that is fulfilling. I considered just sticking it out just because, but that's not fair to her either. I hate the idea of her having a new life with another man as well, but is that so different than her having an affair at some point out of resentment or necessity because I can't give her what she needs.
It's the toughest spot I've ever been in but I believe I am now ready to finally complete this and say a fond farewell to all the helpful words I've read here.
I know for some TLDR, which I apologize!