I'm back again - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #1 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-13-2013, 04:55 PM Thread Starter
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I'm back again

I write this in hopes to clear up some of the confusion from previous threads.

My wife and I have had a lackluster time at trying Reconciliation(for those that have followed this) due to her being in another country for work. Not much to reconcile when they aren't here. We tried patching things up prior to but in reality it was naive and ignorant to assume things would hold.

I've tried to regain some clarity and composure over my thoughts. In a previous thread I had mentioned my intent to move forward with divorce. I never filed but had much intent on doing so. I was upset, a wall of anger swelled I was unprepared for. Pushing me from one feeling to the next. Something I found very uncomfortable as I do not like being led by emotion.

After giving myself some time to calm this and find some level ground again I'm back here. Writing to let those of you still trying to not be dismayed when you find yourself sinking while trying to fight for your marriage. Let yourself feel whatever emotion you need to. Regain a clear mind and continue forward.

My wife, whose login on here is Nan has decided to join this elusive and prestigious club of ours.

With that I bow out of this for the moment, be sure that more will continue. I have no idea at what stage I'm at. I'm going to allow myself the courtesy and her the chance to at least talk before proceeding with anything when she returns state side in a month.

Thanks for sticking with me through the ups and downs.

MTTS

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post #2 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-13-2013, 05:49 PM
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Re: I'm back again

Sounds like part of your issue is long distance. Long distance relationships are hard enough when they're healthy; during R it could make it impossible.

Is there some way you could get to where she works, or she could change where she works? If you are both serious about R, something's gotta give here, it seems.
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post #3 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-13-2013, 05:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm back again

This was a temporary one time trip. A poorly choosen but one time deal. She will be home in about a month which means we can try with some actual ability to make things work.

Absolutely though it was naive of either of us to think we could just put things on hold for 9 months.

Heres to hoping that in 30 days I'll feel any desire to. It's hard to know how you're feeling when there is so much internal conflict.

Thanks for the words and thoughts!
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post #4 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-13-2013, 06:18 PM
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Re: I'm back again

Keep us posted. Best wishes to you both!
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post #5 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-16-2013, 12:16 AM
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Re: I'm back again

My suggestion is to not give up till she's at home for 4-6 weeks, and then you can give it a real try. Don't make emotional decesions when you still cant get to the issues. I hope both of you can hold on, and give it a real try when she gets home, so you wont have the regret later that you made the wrong choice at the wrong time cause of the mitigating circumstances. my 2 cents.
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post #6 of 28 (permalink) Old 05-17-2013, 04:22 PM
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Re: I'm back again

I agree with Thumper. Since you've at least tacitly agreed to R, give it the absolute best shot you can. From my experience, it's worth it, although it takes a while for the pain of betrayal to subside.

And it's healthy to feel your emotions, but as you said, not be totally led by them. It's the hardest thing in the world when you are in love with the person who emotionally hurt you the most they possibly could.
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post #7 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-14-2013, 09:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm back again

Biggest update yet:

Wife is landing at our local airport 2:30PM PST tomorrow. Looks like I'll get plenty of time to figure this out soon.

Wish me luck TAM.
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post #8 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-14-2013, 11:40 PM
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Re: I'm back again

Grats M,

Now the wait is over. Time to put in the work. Hope you both can get this worked out.

My prayers are with you.
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post #9 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-21-2013, 02:13 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm back again

I'm posting this with Nan next to me now. We're slowly going through things, had some more ahem "intimate" reunion than I thought I would let happen but good none the less.

We're actually semi-fighting right now but I already feel it subsiding and making its way back to normal. Oddly enough it was over who got to clean up a mess?!

I guess you can say we're working through normal emotions, stress, frustration, anger, loneliness, etc. I'm glad though to be posting this with her beside me instead of me locked away at my folks or vice versa.

Only time will tell how we're able to work it out.

Thanks for sticking with her and I and I look forward to a more cheerful R thread for the future.

MTTS & Nan
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post #10 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-21-2013, 10:45 AM
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Re: I'm back again

Grats to the both of you, if you can work thru everything I think your marriage could be 10x stronger than before cause you'll be more open to rebuilding than you ever were before.

Maybe instead of semi-fighting over who does what, work on it together, even trivial stuff. But even things like making dinner, cleaning the house, going for a walk, rebuild together goes a long ways.

Schedule a nice light evening/date, dinner and a movie? Remember that its not gonna happen over night, so don't get frustrated when its not happening as fast as either of you want. It took time to get yourselves lost, its gonna take time to find each other too.

Good luck!!! stay positive

Btw the way "Hi, Nan", welcome home.

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post #11 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-23-2013, 05:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm back again

Thank you! We've been working on things together. I'm the sole working partner right now so she's a stay at home wife for the moment. We're getting along well all in all and I can feel things are sort of like "normal."

However we've also had some stress as we recently lost our little lap companion, our ragdoll mitted seal point cat, Sammy. He was like a child to us and it's been really hard losing him. I'm sure not everyone will understand or be able to sympathize but if you had seen the lil guy you'd definitely feel different. Ragdolls are very special in their personality and Sammy had a huge one.

So we're dealing with that and trying to heal after his loss. In a weird way I feel like his loss is helping us heal closer together. An event I wish I could have erased, I'd trade places with the lil guy any day as I really loved him. However it is something that's unified us more closely.

Thanks for the thoughts and we'll keep this as update as I can.

MTTS
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post #12 of 28 (permalink) Old 06-24-2013, 10:20 PM
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Re: I'm back again

I'm sorry about your ragdoll, I know in our house our animals are like kids as well. We have 7, yes seven special needs animals, blind ones, old ones, and ones that need a lot of extra attention. All are saved animals. But I think your right, it's a bonding event although tragic, again I'm sorry for your loss.
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post #13 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-01-2013, 10:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm back again

Hey everyone,

I've survived life it seems and have decided to stop by. It's been a roller coaster since my wifes return. Moments of feeling incredible closeness countered by great distance.

I'm having a hard time understanding but I guess I can sum up a lot of my own issues with a lack of intimacy. I seem to have lost some of that through this ordeal/process and find it difficult to care or feel the same way. Not intentional but I guess it often comes off as a cold or distant demeanor.

I can tell this bothers my wife and is difficult for her at times. Understandably she wants that closeness but my fear is things will return to the way they were. I have a difficult time wanting to trust and have done my best to do so, but continue to have doubts.

It's been almost 2 years now since we had our rift, unbelievable that it's coming up on that long but come march we'll have crested that unfortunate anniversary.

Guess this is just a hello to the void of the internet and saying, "i'm alive!"

MTTS
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post #14 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-04-2013, 09:35 AM
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Re: I'm back again

Hello Mtts, that sounds like good news overall.

It still takes me some effort to be intimate with my fWW. I still run mind movies, even though I've tried techniques to stop them. This morning I got stuck on the freeway behind "his" car (same make and model; I call it an "assault vehicle"), and that's a trigger. They come farther between, and don't hit as hard each time, but they do get a little better. It takes as much time as it takes. Trust given, then broken, is incredibly hard to rebuild.

God bless
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post #15 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-10-2014, 06:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I'm back again

Hey Everyone,

Positing from grave almost, it's been a fair amount of time since I was last on here. I've tried to be infrequent due to this site being a bit of a trigger.

I wanted to update on whats going on in my life currently. My wife and I are still together. It's been mostly good, sometimes things regress and I have to work on holding things together. This seems to be my trust issues rearing their ugly head(s).

All in all I can't really complain about the decision I made to try and keep things going. Still not really sure how it's going to end up but for better or worse I'm still fighting for it!

So if anything this is just a note to those who don't believe it's possible. Almost 3 years after my D-Day and I'm still with my wife, precariously close at one time to the edge and walked away.

Hang in there TAM it does get better!
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