ReconciliationThis forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.
It took me a good long cry to figure out what is wrong with my marriage. Basically, I have been unhappy with several issues that my husband has refused to change. I finally got fed up and called divorce lawyers. After several huge fights, he finally caved in and will agree to the divorce. I became relieved. Then he changed his mind and said firmly, "I am not going to walk away from my family and my wife! I just can't do it!", then he walked away. Although he sounded defeated,not angry at all, he was truly willing to stake his life on this statement. All this divorce planning was completely a vengeful act on my part. Neither of us had the tools to fix our marriage, but we still had love. Also, when he proposed that we each take a son, rather than letting me take both, I realized that I can't bear to part with someone I love and devoted so much time and energy. I tried to convince myself it was a huge trade-off, give up my son to get rid of my husband. Previously, I was forcing him to give up three people he loves. In conclusion, I realize that the love we four share together is greater than anything else in this world. The weakest link is the love I have for my husband. We can live homeless, with no money, isolated from any people, and we will still be a happy family as long as we are together. I will continue this idea as the days go by. Wish us luck.
Hubby is doubtful that I can change, though I felt I made this great revelation. He actually cleaned the tub, and he gave our son a bath. He has only done this once or twice in our whole marriage of ten years. We both believe actions speaks louder than words. I made commitments or promises, and I will follow through. Filling my heart with love instead of resentment has given me more strength to continue on with my life.
New action plan, find an investor to buy the house, and then move to an apartment or two.
Good luck with it. It's a journey that is hard cvause you have to change how you think and react to improve. I read some of your posts and I am afraid your only staying out of fear. I really hope there is a lot more then that. IMO you don't have a low conflict marriage. It can be damaging to the kids if they see that much anger. I would tread lightly..
I know it's a difficult decision. No easy decisions to break up your family. Read the Five Love Language by Gary Chapman if you hadn't already. Both you and your husband may get something out of it.
I wish you the best...and kuddos for redirecting your thoughts.
I have remained positive, as if this is the honeymoon phase. Nothing really has changed. Hubby still blames me for inventing problems in the marriage, saying I have an evil side that always thinks the worst case scenarios. It also occurred to me that he was manipulating me, regarding the split custody deal. I know he doesn't want to care for a child on his own, so why did he suggested this? It dawned on me... he wants to avoid paying me child support, and can reserve his whole income to his daughter's college.
Stepdaughter just started classes this week, and she is so lost. Hubby actually went up there to help her buy her books, not pay for them, but go to the campus bookstore, and find the right textbook for her two classes. She was confused and went to the wrong class on the first day, and didn't realize it until she went back to her dorm room. She just learned to use a debit card, an ATM machine, and her meal pass. Sorry to be so mean, but if you are smart enough to be accepted in a college, you ought to know basic living skills. It is ridculous for Hubby to enable her by doing these things for her. She is Miss Social Butterfly, but can't ask a bookstore worker for help, or her RA for campus information, etc?
I have a therpy appt on Monday. Also, I have an investor coming to look at our house. We also have been looking at some apartments. Ideally, we will be in separate adjacent apartments, thereby splitting the expenses. Honestly, I think this is just like an amicable divorce, but I don't get any financial help to raise our two sons, nor do I get an opportunity to find a better husband. Oh well, there is still a slim chance that Hubby will see the light and realize I have been carrying more than my fair share in the marriage and parenting.
We had our first argument since the cancelation of the divorce. Naturally, it was about money and our future goals. Hubby is planning to work fulltime until he is 65, and spend everything he earns. I plan to work parttime until I no longer have a savings, because I feel it is important to have the two boys be raised by their parents. I never used a daycare center, and I am proud that I was able to do so without any help from Hubby. When the kids are older, I can work fulltime and save up enough for their college, again with zero help from Hubby. I want to retire when I earned enough for the kid's college. Hubby refuses to support me or his sons. I actually have been supporting him, by covering the mortgage when he is in debt. I really don't know if he realizes how selfish he is. We are looking forward to finding separate apartments. He wants his apt to be empty, toyfree, music and computer friendly, and suitable for his daughter and mother. I want my apt to be a kid friendly playroom, and the kitchen to be my own. Anyhow, I feel a little used, but ironically, so does Hubby. Hubby still thinks I wanted a divorce to prevent his daughter from going to college. The primary reason was he is not being supportive of me being a stay at home mom, and continuously neglects his husbandly and fatherly duties. Maybe I was too fearful, and should have followed through.
I was peeved when Hubby refused to sign on an investor/realtor to help us sell the house. Instead, he wants to kick me out, keep our 2 sons in the same schools, and let his daughter stay in our house (rentfree), thereby releasing the money from her dorm fees to pay the amount I normally pay towards mortgage. That was the most absurd thing, just sign the divorce and be done with it! Don't neglect our sons and take their mother away from them. It's bad enough that he still thinks he is the perfect husabnd and father. He is the one claiming he has none of his income left to pay the mortgage, he should be the one to leave the house. I suggested the best solution is for him to move into his daughter's bedroom in his ex-wife's house. Since she is not contributing anything toward their daughter's college funds, I am positive she will let him live there rentfree. As a matter of fact, she might miraculously find a few thousand dollars, and pay her tuition to avoid him living with her. Of course, Hubby doesn't want to live with his ex, though he does spnd more time with her than me, and he pays for their daughter's housing, and not paying our sons' housing.
So, things will be calm until next quarter's fees. Hubby did confess his financial problems to his daughter, and she may move out winter quarter. I rather sell the house, and make $60,000 profit which benefits him, me, two sons, and his daughter, rather than him taking out a $10,000 home equity loan just to benefit his daughter and hurt his sons and me. I am thankful he hasn't verbally abused me or the boys since that last episode.
Hubby also mentioned he can get a second job to cover the extra dorm fees and tuition. Duh! Why didn't he think of that before? A financially stable mature adult does not sabotage his marriage and his little children so his older child gets a full ride. College is a privilege, not a fun house.
Meanwhile, I am not going to bend over backwards to save money for his daughter. Hubby wants our sons to eat less food to save him money. It's stupid, I refuse to do that anymore. I am only buying groceries for the kids, and myself. Food is a necessity.
Well...if you file for divorce, he will be forced to pay you half of it (the house), whether he sells it or not is up to him then. You should seriously consider a lawyer. The reasons why he does what he does doesnt matter, its what YOU are going to do that will determine your life. So why stay when you are not happy.
Stay positive and care about yourself and your children. Keep posting because we are all cheering for you.
I had an epiphany yesterday. After arguing for the umpteenth time about mortgage vs. prom queen's college fees, I realize the core marriage problem. The reason why I want the divorce is not because I hate my stepdaughter and want the worst for her by objecting to Hubby taking out a loan to pay all her college tuition and room/board. I think it is one of two other bigger issues...jealousy and abuse.
I have always been jealous when Hubby devotes more time, money, or respect to other people, regardless of family relation, or male or female. I hated him for spending all his free time chatting with other women, and then spending hundreds of dollars to visit them. Even if it wasn't sexual, I was super jealous, since he never spend quality time on me, or buys me gifts or gives me a break from the kids to give me freetime. If he had the ability to save his income to the magnitude of $17,000 per year to finance his daughter's social college life, then why the heck did he not save me the torture of working nightshifts every weekend for the past 2 years? He thinks if our sons need any money to live that I must provide it by my partime income. He thinks I am eating bon bons every day while being a stay-at-home mom. I sacrificed my sleep, my sanity and my life savings to give the best possible childcare (his parents and grandparents) to our two sons. How does Hubby thank me? He tried to leach more money from my parents' life savings. My bright idea to recoup my financial losses was to divorce and get court ordered child support (which conincidently is calculated to be the same amount as her college fees.) Ironically, state laws says our sons deserve about $1,800 per month until age 18.
The second big issue is abuse, which I thankfully learned from this site. I am stuck in a vicious cycle The Cycle of Abuse I knew I was being treated unfairly, but never named my problems as emotional or financial (ecomonic) abuse. I go through monthly cycles of feeling tense, then attacked, then reconciling, and finally calm. I am currently cycled back to the phase 1. I don't think Hubby realizes how he treats me is abnormal nor mentally unhealthy. I am positive his mother (or father) was very verbally abusive. I called the domestic violence hotline (again) and scheduled free counseling. I don't think my situation is urgent enough for me to attend a free support group, as many women are getting physically abused. I also fear the anger that Hubby displaces on the kids. It is inappropriate discipline, regardless of what childrearing philosophy he is using.
Anyhow, I think I am a survivor. I had to fall into a major depression and be drugged with anti-depressants to conclude all this. I do feel much better identified this, but I really need to knoew how to fix it. Just telling Hubby to stop loving other people more than me, or stop being mean and disrespectful has not worked at all. Another marriage counseling appointment on Monday, wish me luck!
Sensitive,
You need to stand up for yourself. You need to be able to rebuild your life and move on. It is time to draw the line in the sand. If he is not living in the house, you need to let him know he is not welcome anymore. Let him know you will be following through with a quick deed for the house, and filing. Also, you need to fight for full custody for both boys, especially since you have some documentation of abusive behavior. He needs to see what he will lose with all this, also you need to get him on a schedule of taking the boys 2 days a week, and then have them BOTH every other weekend. It is time he see what divorce to you will look like.
You need to move on and get out, reconnect with friends, travel, etc.
As soon as I drew the line in the sand for my husband early last week, he decided Thursday night he wanted to talk about us working on things. This will take time and I am not sure with him walking out on my son and I, that I want to work on things, but I have been the one trying to get him not to make the mistake.
It will be interesting to see what happens....and not sure what the rules are in your state, but you need to take him to the cleaners....and let him have a bit of uncomfortable suffering.
Things aren't getting better. There is a huge fight between my brother and my husband over Stepdaughter's cell phone bill. She basically overtexted by 800 texts, so Hubby paid an extra $15 per month and bought out the whole 2 year plan by writing my brother a $600 check, without consulting me or telling his daughter of the huge infraction. Now, he and my husband can't even have a family get together. I can't have any get-togethers with his ex or his mother, as they both screwed me royally by not paying one dime towards their daughter/grand-daughter. Hubby hates my brother. I hate his ex-wife, my mother-in-law, and mostly my husband for being so negligent of raising this girl. Hubby is funding her to go partying at the bars/nightclub, and has never supported me or our two sons. He thoughlessly wrote a $600 just to avoid my brother from holding stepdaughter accountable. I so bad want to hold my husband accountable for all the abuse and neglect, but I just can't hold up a good fight. It frustrates me to no end.
Of course, hubby tosses away the idea of working for the extra income he thinks Stepdaughter needs. He actually claims our son does not need any money. That's because I provide eveything for them. I have been busting my butt to work nights and draining my life savings for the past 4-8 years.
Last night he offered to help put one kid to bed, but then said he won't give him a bath. He hasn't changed. I need a cleaver way to get him to see the light. He needs to admit he is a bad father and husband and either needs to change or walk out and never see us again.
I am seriously considering conning him to sign over the house to me, and then kicking him out, selling the house, and pretend like nothing happened. I may not have the strength to file for a divorce, but if I can get the house, at least our sons will have adequate money to live normally for the next year or two.
Thanks for everyone's support. I will try to act be less bitter next post.
It was a horribly moody day. I was very angry at Hubby for how he grabs our son. He is using fear and intimidation to discipline him. Hubby did explain his theory, and I still disagree. He is actually very perceptive of people, so our sons have developed a good bond with him. He identifies his needs and adapts. When I asked why doesn't he help me when I need. Hubby says he doesn't want to parent me. No, I said why doesn't he try to understand me and help me in crisis. He says when I am in crisis, that puts him in crisis. He feels he has carried me along in the whole relationship. I feel I let him tag along during the whole parenting years. So we both think the other is dodging the responsibilities in our lives. I just don't know what to make about all this. Every little thing frustrates me. He does look down at me, but won't admit it. We both recognize we are polar opposites, and yet we can't break up. He is still blaming me for his money shortage because I buy lots of toys for the kids. I keep telling him it is not an average father that gives no money to the kids he lives with.
I really need to do something. I don't want to feel worthless, powerless and insignificant to a man for the rest of my life. I don't want to set an example to our sons that wives should be so passive. Then again, he had been a very crucial pillar of support. Maybe I just can't accept that he is stronger on the human relation skill and very bad with money. I am very good with money, but bad at human relations.
I give up, I need a big distraction to take me away from all this analyzing.
Things aren't getting better. There is a huge fight between my brother and my husband over Stepdaughter's cell phone bill.
I actually had to read that twice because i thought i must have misread. what in the world does your brother have to do with your husband and his daughter?? your brother needs to stay out of it. its really none of his business. and how in the world did he even know?
I actually had to read that twice because i thought i must have misread. what in the world does your brother have to do with your husband and his daughter?? your brother needs to stay out of it. its really none of his business. and how in the world did he even know?
My brother has a family plan and offered cell phone to my husband for $10/month to save us money. So, Hubby bought two, one for him and one for Stepdaughter. Basic plan is $10, with 100 text limit, and 10 cent per overtext, so she overcharged $80 the past month, and my brother can see all the phone numbers on his phone bill. Brother sympathisizes with my dilemma, agrees that Stepdaughter feels false sense of entitlement for her social college, costing us to got in $60, 000 debt.
My brother and parents were involved with the divorce plans, because I needed people to emotionally support me. My brother also clearly sees that my husband is walking all over me and is just trying to protect his little sis.
Last night, I slept in the guest room because Hubby was being helpful and forgiving of everyone else except for me. I am the scapegoat of all his faults. It has been years since I had a real conversation with him and he actually listened and understood, rather than interject his criticism and make me cry.
My heartfelt story - still in progress 
