Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Tucson, AZ
| | Hoping for a Happy ending!
I am new to this site, and deeply troubled but I need an outlet, support, prayer and patience and from what I have read here so far, this community seems to support that. Our Story:
I met my wife 4 years ago and we became instantly inseparable. We worked in related fields, both made good money, and were driven so it was easy for us to enjoy our time together without the stresses that finances can put on a relationship. We were instantly attracted to each other, and we shared so many common interests that enjoying time together was effortless.
Our relationship progressed and within a short period of time, I knew I was going to marry her, but I didn't tell her yet because we were still young and I felt that there were some things we still needed to discuss before we chose to get married.
As we entered the second year of dating, we discussed the possibility of getting married, we started attending church together, and started focusing on maturing as individuals as we began to face financial struggles. We both knew what we wanted, and enjoyed talking and romanticizing how things were going to be, all the while our financial situation continued to struggle. By the end of our second year of dating, we were in complete financial distress, but our love had never felt stronger.
We talked more and more about marriage, and lamented that it would never happen because of how bleak our financial situation seemed. We held out for as long as we could, but finally decided that we were not able to wait any longer and that we were going to give up the big wedding we had once discussed and have a courthouse wedding as we felt that being married was more important that the actual details of how it was going to happen. We took this to our parents who insisted that we must have a wedding, and they went to work planning.
With my current working schedule, we realized that the only weekend that we could get married was either the one approaching in 10 days, or wait until the dead heat of summer. We opted for the rapidly approaching weekend and planned and executed our wedding in 10 days. It was exceptional. We got the flowers she wanted. She got a dress and I helped find a place that could alter it on short notice. I had a family friend provide the food and cake from their gourmet bakery. Everything was perfect. We asked for money rather than gifts and we were able to use that to go on an unforgettable honeymoon. I was on top of the world!
Since then, things have been a roller coaster. I lost my job, and made a career change. She lost her job and was unemployed for some time. We both worked dead end jobs here and there just to keep money coming in, but we lost our house. Our credit cards and other bills are all delinquent and we have had to make a big lifestyle change to keep up with the lack of income and piling debt.
We have both struggled with depression through some of these difficult times. Lately we were both depressed which led to neglect of our love for each other and just general dissatisfaction. We stopped being considerate of each other and I know that I became selfish and ego-driven. The less control I felt over my world as a whole, the more I seemed to try to control her, and I put a lot of my problems on her to fix.
She finally had enough two weeks ago, and Tuesday evening, before I came home, she took everything that was hers, and left to live with her parents. I was crushed. We had just talked about getting into counseling but as things are still tight, we agreed to wait till last week when I had a commission check coming in. I guess she just couldn't stand the thought of spending another week with me.
At first I felt abandoned, betrayed, angry, bitter and vengeful. Those feelings turned in a matter of hours into guilt, sorrow, desperation and panic. I still am dealing with a blend of all of these emotions at times, but I have had two weeks to do a lot of reflecting as she has asked for me to give her some space, which I have come to understand that she doesn't want to hear from me in any way. I realize now the mistakes that I have made. The top of the list being that I have stopped taking care of myself. I have let depression get hold of me, gained weight, stopped looking after the house and stopped feeling driven to be successful in my career.
Since she left, I have lost weight and gotten back into the habit of daily exercise, started a rigid house cleaning regiment, started walking the dog every day without fail, made positive moves in my career, returned to church, and started going to weekly counseling for personal growth. In the past 3 years, we have only spent a total of 5 weeks apart, including the two just passed. It hurts so bad! I cannot stop thinking of the millions of different ways I could attempt to make a grand gesture to the message that I am in this marriage for life but despite my best intentions, I realize that I need to honor her request for space.
If you read this and feel moved, please feel free to participate in any way you see fit. My hope is for insight from those who have struggled in this way before me, and more importantly prayer that we will both be able to soften our hearts and commit to set the pain aside and focus on the issues causing the pain. I love her with all that I have to love, and I am committed to working to improve the marriage by changing my behavior. I will continue to post updates as things occur, but in the mean time, please pray for us. Thanks!