Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
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post #136 of 295 (permalink) Old 11-06-2013, 09:25 AM
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Re: Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation

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Originally Posted by cdbaker View Post
Just to clarify on the expenses stuff:

We've never been great with budgeting. We have some CC debt and student loans that we've struggled with, but we've never really had a budget at all. So just FYI, we're already starting from a place of poor money skills.

Next, my wife only works part time while she is in school full time. She probably averages about 8-12 hours a week at $16/hr (before taxes) as an LPN at a nursing home. So you add that up and it's only about $450 - $600 or so per month after taxes. From that she pays her own gas to and from school/clinicals (about 30 miles each way) and work, lunches for herself, our daughters boys & girls club fees, and is regularly getting things for the house. (Lately she's been buying picture frames and hanging family photos all over this wall in our living room, there are probably 50 of them so far) Plus other occasional purchases like shoes, scrubs, miscellaneous stuff our daughter needs for school, etc. Take all of that out, and there isn't much left from her $450-$600/mo. So my point in the last post wasn't that I think she is hoarding her money and refusing to help out. I make 4-5x what she makes. My concern has been that I don't think there should be any such thing as "my" money or "her" money, it should be OURS, and we should both be responsible and accountable to each other with how it is spent. And yes, it bothers me when I can't pay a $100 electric bill and I see her walk in with 10 new picture frames and a new pair of running shoes for $100. It's not that she she is spending wastefully or extravagantly or anything like that. I don't think there is anything with her getting a $50 pair of shoes and a bunch of picture frames for our wall, and she wouldn't have made those purchases if she knew that I was struggling with the electric bill. So that part is on ME for not making those needs clear, but it does make me feel extremely uncomfortable having to express that I don't have the money to pay a particular bill, but I don't think I should have to ask her for money either. If we can merge and the decide together what our expenses will be, then it doesn't have to be an issue going forward.

And heck, I know that I could use some additional accountability too. I ordered a new Xbox game last week for $30 when I have several that I haven't played yet, and I have bills due this week that I might not be able to cover without dipping into savings. That's not responsible, and I know that I wouldn't have done it if I knew that my wife kept a close eye on the account too. Personal responsibility and accountability are always good things.

Lastly, for the most part I think 95% of her school expenses have been getting paid for with her student loans (which are in her name only. That's relevant in the event of a divorce), which while we were separated, she unfortunately was taking out the maximum amount in order to live off of. (In the beginning of the separation I had wondered how she was able to so quickly afford to go get an apartment and live comfortably only working 15hrs/week at $9.50/hr. Now I know...) Whenever random non-tuition/books expenses would pop up, she would pay for them. Once she moved back home, she discussed with me the financial aid situation for this year (which I greatly appreciated her involving me in) and we decided that we didn't need to take out the maximum loan amount and would only take the small grant she got and a small loan to cover the tuition/books.

Not everything goes according to plan however. She found out after the fact that the second segment of her semester requires about $325 in supplies for her clinicals and testing that were not included in the school bill she had received in August. Then she decided she wants to take a Kaplan training course to prepare her for the NCLEX state testing (for nursing certification) which is $379, then has about $100 worth of expenses for her graduation gown, school photos, nursing pin, etc. We didn't account for those when we took the student loan/grant, so they need paid, and I have absolutely no problem helping to pay for these things as they are all perfectly valid. My issue is that I don't feel comfortable paying for these from what has been my own savings that I worked hard for, when I don't also have any way of knowing what her own financial picture looks like. So we've had separate finances all this time, and if she wants my help with MY money, then I feel that we need to merge finances and both be accountable to each other.

So that is pretty much what I proposed today. That I understand why she was hesitant to merge finances at the beginning but enough time has passed that we need to get this figured out. For the sake of making smarter financial decisions, reducing stress/conflict, and as a further show of commitment/trust.

Lastly, I will disagree with you both (feminist and Wilderness) as it relates to a spouses school expenses being considered a "joint" expense or not. A spouse going to school to provide for a better life for his/her family should be a joint expense if you ask me, especially if part of the arrangement has been that one spouse will work full time while the other spouse focuses on school full time. (Meaning the student spouse probably can't afford the expenses alone anyway) If we were separated, I might agree that the expense should be hers alone depending on the circumstances of the separation. If we head down the divorce trail someday, then I would agree then as well. There is also the fact that back when I was getting my degree, we did have merged finances and we did pay for my school expenses from that, so in that sense she has already chipped in for my schooling.
IMO merging finances in the way you describe is a good idea for a traditionally married couple. Problem is, your wife is blatantly refusing to have sex with you after having 4 affairs. Not only would I not pay for her school stuff, I would be expecting 50% of the money for the household expenses if I were you. How much money she makes or doesn't make is her problem, not yours. Why should you have to cover her end?
Your wife is getting pretty much a free ride and as such has little incentive to change. I wouldn't make things easier if I were you, I'd make things much tougher.

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post #137 of 295 (permalink) Old 11-06-2013, 11:15 AM
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Four affairs and she returns. Why? Does she feel some deep connection with you, something deeper than love? What is it?

Are you like two trees that have grown together? Some couples are so intertwined that when one dies the other soon follows. Maybe they stopped having sex 20 years ago and never spoke of it.

Some couples are alcoholics together. There are all sorts of marriages.

You have some sort hope.what is hers?

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post #138 of 295 (permalink) Old 11-06-2013, 11:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation

Before I respond, an update:

I had a really good, genuine talk with her last night. That is somewhat rare in and of itself because I know that she has a huge fear/dislike of feeling like she has done something wrong, is in "trouble" or has failed in some capacity, and avoids deeper conversations when she can because of that. First, we discussed finances. I told her pretty much what I said I would in my last post, that I understood her concerns/fears of merging finances in the spring/early summer as we were just coming back together, but now we need to be in the same boat financially. Again she doesn't make much via her part time job (<$500/mo) and I see how she spends that money and I haven't seen her make a single purchase since she moved back in June that I would classify as "extravagant" or "wreckless" or anything like that. Just gasoline, food, picture frames for our living room, school fee's for her and our daughter, school lunches for our daughter, etc. So I explained that I'm not trying to say that I think she is irresponsible with her money, nor am I simply trying to gain access to her money. I simply believe that all of our financial resources need to be combined, that we are all in the same boat together, aware of all of our expenses and purchases, and that there be no more "his money" or "her money". It would also be a big show of commitment to the marriage and relationship.

After I explained everything, she actually was pretty agreeable to it all. I also shared that I have occasionally had to stress over unpaid bills and such and I don't like feeling like I have to do that alone. She pointed out that this isn't her fault if I wasn't sharing that with her, and she's absolutely right. So the plan is that she'll switch her paycheck's auto-draft back over to my account (which really has always been "our" account. I just continued to use it as my own after she left, but her name is still on it as well) and she already has a check card for it and I'll order her some checks too. I also asked her if she could take over bill paying from that account, because I am terrible about staying on top of those.

(In case there is a concern about trust, I actually gave her a check card for the account four months ago when she moved back in. She's only used it twice I think and both times it was for gas or lunch or something when she called me and asked me first since her account was empty)

After that was all decided, I told her that as long as we are all in the same boat in every way (namely financially at the moment) that I consider her school expenses to be OUR expenses. As long as we're married and intend to stay that way (and yes I asked her to confirm that she still wants that), then her education is for the benefit of our whole family, so those expenses need to be paid one way or the other. (The total amount is somewhere in the neighborhood of $900 for testing materials, certifications, graduation gowns, a kaplan test prep course, etc.)

This convo then led to our discussing her future career desires and plans, and how those align with my own. She said she doesn't want to work nights and be away from us, that she wants to find a job close to mine (in the same city. I commute about 30 minutes away for work every day) so we can be close in case of emergencies and occasionally do lunches. She said that when we have another child or two, she might even want to only work half time if she can find such an arrangement. All good stuff to hear, but they are just words for the moment, I have to remember that.

Since we'd talked for a while already, I then decided to just share with her one more thing before saying goodnight that I think there are a lot of elements of our relationship that are moving in the right direction, but the big one that I feel has stagnated is our physical relationship. I clarified that I'm not simply demanding sex, but I am asking that she immediately increase her effort to be more physically affectionate. I said I'm not comfortable living like roommates long term, that I do expect that we'll be able to resume a sexual relationship before long, but that it can be a gradual process. I didn't phrase these statements as if I wanted to start a conversation, I simply wanted to restate them for her. She nodded and said she understood, reached over for a hug, said "I love you" and then rolled over to go to sleep.
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post #139 of 295 (permalink) Old 11-06-2013, 12:23 PM
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Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation

I sure hope this works out for you, I really do.
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post #140 of 295 (permalink) Old 11-06-2013, 12:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation

Wilderness: I think my approach has been that the past is the past. I did a lot of things wrong prior to and during our separation as well which I think I have detailed before. I've mentioned that I dated a ton of women during the separation, (probably 30-40 over a 2.5 year period) and slept with probably 15 or so of them, including several longer term relationships with a couple. We could argue the semantics of how wrong all of that was of course... yes it was cheating because I was still married (though I was always honest about that) but only after she cheated first and moved out with the guy whom she was living with. So how wrong was it? Depends on who you ask.

The bigger point though, is that she and I have forgiven each other for the past. As I understand and view forgiveness, it means I leave the past in the past, I do not bring it up again, I do not use it against her in the present or future, and therefore I certainly won't "make things much tougher" for her now as a result of her past grievances. I realize that forgiveness doesn't mean you forget the past, and that means I will certainly be slightly more vigilant for signs of cheating and things like that, but unless I were to find out that she has cheated again, I will not treat her any less than any wife deserves to be treated by her husband.

She is getting a "free ride" in so much as any "non-bread winner" spouse does. She helps with chores, she cooks several meals a week, helps with laundry, taking care of our daughter, the pets, etc. (Since she is in school full time and works 10 hours or so per week, vs. me only working full time, I probably do 60% of the housework to her 40%) Early in our marriage, she worked full time while I went to school full time and worked only part time, and the household arrangement was reversed. Was I getting a "free ride" then? I understand where you are coming from and appreciate the feedback (really I do. I'm not upset here, promise!) but if all is forgiven, then there is no free ride. As long as we are married and mutually intend to stay that way, then her schooling is an investment for our family. Not just for her, just as my education wasn't just for me.


Longwalk: That's tougher to anwer, but I do think she feels a deeper connection with me. Certainly we have a long history now, having been dating now since we were 17 years old (now 29 & 30) and have a 9 year old daughter together. She knows I'm a good man, a good father, and after the last three years or so, has come to believe that maybe I can be a good husband as well. Granted, she probably isn't very interested in the prospect of going out to find a new guy, given her past history with men always resulting in tragedy. So why did she want to come back? I imagine a year ago (which is roughly around when we went into "reconciliation mode") it was probably because she was just burned out from being hurt with the the last affair partner, realized that she was comfortable with me, had that history and child together, that I was willing to try reconciling, and that it was at least worth a shot. I'm not foolish enough to believe that she just decided that she really loved me and came rushing back home one day. I think for her, starting the process and even moving back home in June was probably a pretty non-emotional thing for her, more logical. If I had to guess, I would imagine this being her thought process at the time:

"I know I don't love him right now, he hurt and deceived and betrayed me terribly for years. I know I'm not really looking for any romantic entanglements right now either, I'm too busy and I'm utterly burned out from [OM's name] incredible betrayal, even if we were recently broken up. [cdbaker] has been showing (not just saying) that he realizes the things he did wrong and has shown that he's changed his attitude/perception a lot, so maybe he is capable of being a good husband after all. I already know he's a good father, provider, my family loves him, and of course we have our daughter, a home together, etc. Right now, I'm not particularly capable of loving him again just yet, but maybe if he can agree to take it slow and start down that road, things can come together and I could love him again. Or, maybe they don't work out and I'll never have to wonder 'what if?'"

Now, about a year later, I know she has felt moments of love and affection towards me. I know that she still holds back a lot of her though, most even, because of her fear of being hurt. She still struggles to allow herself to be vulnerable around me, and who could blame her? But little by little I DO see regular improvements/growth there.
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post #141 of 295 (permalink) Old 11-06-2013, 12:45 PM
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Re: Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation

CD,
If she won't agree to and stick to a budget where your:
- finances are combined and
- you both get an equal amount of discretionary spend

Then you are simply enabling more parasitism.


Quote:
Originally Posted by cdbaker View Post
MEM & Others: Thank you for the kind words, and I do have an update.

For starters, the locked computer. Turns out she locked the computer because she was tired of our daughter taking it, using it, and then leaving it somewhere where my wife can't find it and often with the battery nearly dead, and sometimes finding that some important school document that she was working on is gone. We gave our daughter my wife's old laptop and she is allowed to use that one, but she is terrible about putting it back on the charger when she is finished, so often times would just take the wife's new laptop. This is what she told me when I brought up the password on her computer, and she shared the password with me, which turned out is the same password that we usually use when we are securing a device from our daughter. (My tablet has the same lock/password on it for the same reason) So I'm thoroughly convinced for now that this was not her attempt to hide anything. Thus far, she has never once tried to stop me or express concern when I have asked to use her computer. (Her laptop is pretty new, mine is six years old and chained to a desk in our basement so when I seldom need an internet device with a keyboard, I ussually just use hers)

I'm not sure which part of my story you are referring to about her reconnecting with her EA... I believe all of my wife's affairs were physical, not EA only. I also frequently number them out of order, especially since I found out about the first one about 18 months after it happened, and 3-6 months after I found out about the 2nd and 3rd. I found out about the 2nd by checking her computer, the 3rd and 4th by checking her phone.

Thus far, I have never seen a password of any kind on her phone. Further, she knows that once upon a time I had put a keylogger on her computer and tried to put on one her phone, which I agree was taking it a little too far. She trusts me now with her devices as it relates to that. But with that said, I still agree with Sammy's approach above. If she wants to cheat, she'll find a way to cheat. Whether I catch it immediately or a few weeks down the road, it doesn't make much difference. Living in a "surveillance" marriage can only go on for so long before everyone involved is resentful of each other and it's certainly not conducive to rebuilding love/trust. Secretly locked devices are completely different of course, as has been noted, but I think I've found a comfortable position in the middle as far as transparency.


A couple months ago I read "Married Man's Sex Primer 2011" which was a fantastic read that I recommend to anyone. In the past, I have read tons of other marriage books from the Five Love Languages to Love & Respect, to saving broken marriages books like Love Must Be Tough, Winning your Wife Back, I Don't Want a Divorce, etc. This past week I finally started reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and it too is a winner as far as I can see. I'm exactly 44% through it according to my kindle, and I am already seeing a lot of value in it. I think for men in my position, NMMNG and the Married Man's Sex Primer 2011 standard reading assignments.

I think No More Mr. Nice Guy describes me well, as far as my feeling a need to be the "perfect man" for any woman, mostly based on what men have been told by women since the beginning of time. In Married Man's Sex Primer, we learn that women don't REALLY want the "perfect men" they often describe. They want that at times, and other times they want the classical Alpha male that is so often ostracized, and it's our job to be able to switch between the two. It also describes how "Nice Guys" will often go after women who are "damaged goods," such as victims of abuse, poor childhoods, no father, etc. Looking back at my wife and girlfriends before her, most of them grew up without much of a father figure, maybe had been raped or worse, my wife had a baby that she gave up for adoption when she was 16, etc. I have also definitely had a habit of covering up my mistakes, telling white lies to get out of a situation that might make me look bad, and resented her enormously for not putting in the kind of effort that I have put in. The "Covert contracts" bit was pretty interesting as well, which I'm sure I have employed many times, with the current example being my "no sex" assurance that I made to her, with the "unspoken but generally hinted at" end of the year timeframe.

Anyways, I'm going to keep reading the book. I also told her today that I believe we need to combine our finances in some form. I have known lots of couples who mostly manage separate finances, and we did it that way for the first few years of our marriage until my wife had trouble avoiding overdrafts on her account and we combined our finances with my bank. Right now though, I pay the mortgage, all of the bills, groceries, I usually pay when we eat out, plus the usual other stuff I need like gas for my car, occasional lunches, etc. From what I can tell, my wife pays for her own usual stuff (gas, lunches, etc.), most of my daughter's Boys & Girls club fee's (about $25/week) and the rest is sort of her "fun money", which admittedly often gets spent on stuff for the house, not just for her.

Nonetheless, I often struggle to get everything paid that needs paid, and frequently get creditor phone calls that stress me out. Not long before she moved back home in June, we discussed finances and she said very firmly that she was not willing to combine finances again because, as with sex, she wasn't at a place where she could trust me fully just yet. She wanted to maintain that small element of independence. Yesterday she told me about a whole bunch of school fee's and payments that are due really soon that she doesn't have the money for and is stressed. She didn't ask me for the money specifically, but that was clearly the reason for telling me the situation and describing her stress. I told her that if those things need paid, we can get them paid (with my meager savings) but at this point I'll need to insist that we combine our finances "in some form" going forward. That could mean going back to us just sharing one checking & savings account ideally, or I might even be comfortable with keeping the separate accounts as long as I have access to her account as well. (She already has access to mine, I gave it to her months ago, in typical "Nice Guy" fashion hoping it would get her to share her account access with me as well)

We'll see what happens. She did say "Love you" when she gave me a hug goodbye this morning, but I can't dwell on that.
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post #142 of 295 (permalink) Old 11-06-2013, 02:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation

MEM: I don't think that's been an issue thus far. In fact, aside from the two tiny transactions I mentioned above (maybe $6 for lunch and $20 for gas) I don't think she has spent any of my money and I would still be paying the same bills, mortgage payments, etc. whether she had moved back in or not. So she really hasn't cost me anything financially. (a few dollars a month on the water bill for showers maybe?)

Our understanding was that we would operate (financially) similar to how we did back before our separation. If it's a simple/necessary reoccuring expense, like if we need to get lunch during work, gas for the car once a week, groceries twice a month, etc., (stuff we can budget for in advance) then we need not inform each other. For anything else, we let each other know of our plan for the expense. Like if I need new work shoes or she needs a new set of scrubs, etc., just so we're accountable to each other and know what is going in and out.

So I don't think it's going to be an issue. Especially given the fact that if she wanted to spend "my" money selfishly/wrecklessly, well like I mentioned in my last post, she's been capable of doing so for about 5 months now since I gave her a debit card to "my" checking account. If she didn't do that before I had access to "her" money, then I don't see why she would do it once I do have it.
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post #143 of 295 (permalink) Old 11-06-2013, 04:39 PM
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Re: Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation

Sounds like you've made progress.

The pattern you describe – WAW wife has affairs to try and gain self affirmation and instead finds that OM are interested in sex rather than commitment – is not uncommon. Their hearts end up in limbo. Usually, the collapse of their normal lives has them in a frenzied state that borders on mental illness. Returning to the BH is a sort of solution.

The BS supplies two things: the stable life. Finances are often important but even the familar things. Blacksmith, another thread, remodeled their home's Florida room, which had been his WW's personal interior design project. She had already moved out but when exchanging the kids she saw this and it really shook her up. She is more or less a walking mental breakdown now.

Returning to the security your common life provides is something important to her and she has told herself she is willing to pay with her heart in her breast and the heart in her panties. But she wants that to happen naturally. She hates the idea of a mechanical transaction. Although logically that is deal, but then marriage is that deal to begin with anyways.

By telling her firmly but gently what you expect. She must feel a certain calm inside, she has to mow down the nettles and thorns that have overgrown her pubic area. Do you know when she horniest? Come with a date or some surprize.

Last edited by LongWalk; 11-06-2013 at 07:12 PM.
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post #144 of 295 (permalink) Old 11-06-2013, 05:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation

Longwalk, you've caught my attention a bit with your post. I'll have to go look up this thread you are referring to, because I don't completely understand your summary.

I do think my wife felt good about my expectations last night after I properly set the tone of the conversation. (Establishing that I'm not angry or disappointed in her, I'm not trying to make her feel bad, I'm just wanting to establish my own expectations and would like to get her thoughts) Something a speaker I was listening to a few weeks ago also said something that keeps coming back to me as it relates to women and sex. He said that the longer men go without sex, the more we crave it. The longer women go without sex, the less they feel like they need it. I think that may be the case with my wife.

I'm no sexual slouch, I several, relatively tame fetishes and interests as much as any guy I think. But given that her last "OM" was an enormous pervert (extreme fantasies, role playing, toys, etc.) and I know that she participated in at least some of those things, I imagine it is very possible that I really don't know her sexual on's and off's anymore. Despite our best efforts, our own sexual interactions before the separation were almost completely vanilla, and since then she's been exposed to a lot of new things. So yeah, I'm been thinking about that too.

As far as dates or surprises, she seems to get very quickly uncomfortable at any mention of any idea/plan that might involve romance of any kind. Dates, going out alone, even suddenly realizing we are alone together in a moment and she seems to quickly put up her defenses. Short answers, finding a reason to separate, averting eye contact. Not in an angry or "I don't care for you" nonchalant way, but more of a "I'm concerned where this could lead to" way, if I had to try to put my finger on it.
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post #145 of 295 (permalink) Old 11-06-2013, 06:02 PM
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Re: Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation

CD,
I am watching closely as I may be walking the same path very soon. My issue too as your wife, the emotional intimacy.

We had no where any others in our relationship as you had while we have been separated, at least I haven't.

I too, to be honest, have been looking around at what the world looks like for me at my age, & at how many maybe good years I have left. Would another man be willing to love me into old age? Will I meet someone who I think is normal only to turn out not to be? Would my life be worst than what I am returning to? Men over 50, well... I just dont know what happens to them... Sorry guys!!!

I've lived a really pretty good life with one person for so long, like your wife, at least I know my snake. Now, I just have to try to make the it work.

Maybe you'll be one of those of us to make it to at least 30 yrs together, you sound like you want to!

~sammy

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post #146 of 295 (permalink) Old 11-06-2013, 06:02 PM
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Re: Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation

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post #147 of 295 (permalink) Old 11-06-2013, 07:18 PM
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Re: Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation

Interesting threads for you:

Lostlove
Blacksmith
Carlton
Hard to detach

If you can't find them, let me know.
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post #148 of 295 (permalink) Old 11-06-2013, 08:22 PM
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Re: Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation

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Originally Posted by cdbaker View Post
Not everything goes according to plan however. She found out after the fact that the second segment of her semester requires about $325 in supplies for her clinicals and testing that were not included in the school bill she had received in August. Then she decided she wants to take a Kaplan training course to prepare her for the NCLEX state testing (for nursing certification) which is $379, then has about $100 worth of expenses for her graduation gown, school photos, nursing pin, etc. We didn't account for those when we took the student loan/grant, so they need paid, and I have absolutely no problem helping to pay for these things as they are all perfectly valid. My issue is that I don't feel comfortable paying for these from what has been my own savings that I worked hard for, when I don't also have any way of knowing what her own financial picture looks like. So we've had separate finances all this time, and if she wants my help with MY money, then I feel that we need to merge finances and both be accountable to each other.

So that is pretty much what I proposed today. That I understand why she was hesitant to merge finances at the beginning but enough time has passed that we need to get this figured out. For the sake of making smarter financial decisions, reducing stress/conflict, and as a further show of commitment/trust.

Lastly, I will disagree with you both (feminist and Wilderness) as it relates to a spouses school expenses being considered a "joint" expense or not. A spouse going to school to provide for a better life for his/her family should be a joint expense if you ask me, especially if part of the arrangement has been that one spouse will work full time while the other spouse focuses on school full time. (Meaning the student spouse probably can't afford the expenses alone anyway) If we were separated, I might agree that the expense should be hers alone depending on the circumstances of the separation. If we head down the divorce trail someday, then I would agree then as well. There is also the fact that back when I was getting my degree, we did have merged finances and we did pay for my school expenses from that, so in that sense she has already chipped in for my schooling.
CDBaker, I will start by saying good for you on trying.

I will follow up by saying that everything I'm about to say is HEAVILY biased by the sh!tstorm that I'm emerging from in my 2nd divorce. Long story short, X2 left me after nursing school was done. She had been planning to for some time.

The things you said about tests, scrubs, etc. made me trigger a bit. I gladly paid for all this stuff because it was for us, for the future. Blah, blah, blah. My X2 didn't cheat, but she left me coldly as soon as she got what she wanted. And she was still having sex with me up until the day she told me we were done. She was planning to ambush me and I found out she was leaving by snooping through her computer.

Now, your situation is not my situation. I hope you have an R that succeeds. But it still sounds like she's in the driver's seat on your romantic relationship. Like she's afraid to commit to showing affection for you. Maybe that's a withered tree that's needs to be healed and regrown. Maybe she's getting what she wants from you in support (financial, emotional, shelter, etc.) until she can leave on her own once school is done.

If she leaves you, will you be ok with the money and effort you're putting in to support her going to school? If the answer is no, you're being a nice guy.

Is she keeping her finances separate so she doesn't have to separate them once she's done with school? You're paying for almost everything required to keep a house and she's getting closer and closer to that degree.

Now again, and obviously, my opinion on this is VERY biased. But, it's food for thought.

Good luck bro.

I will be responsible for my actions & decisions, rather than judging what you should do with your life.
angstire is offline  
post #149 of 295 (permalink) Old 11-07-2013, 12:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation

Angst, I'm sorry to hear about your situation, I know how awful that must have been. I'm sure her walking out was worse however given how cold it was, having planned it well in advance and being sexual/relational up until the very end. At least if that were to happen in my situation, it wouldn't be that much of a shock.

To answer a few of your questions, I haven't spent very much since she returned home that could be directly attributable to her. Meaning I was already paying the mortgage, the bills, the groceries, etc. 100% before she returned home after the separation. Plus I was paying 90% of our daughter's expenses as well, which the wife is now mostly taking care of. So up till now, the only additional expense has been... maybe slightly larger water and grocery bills? Minimal stuff.

As for the nursing stuff, even if the marriage were to ultimately go south, I won't be upset with myself for helping pay for her graduation gown and NCLEX prep stuff. I'm not wealthy by any stretch, I have horrible credit card debt, student loan debt, etc. but I really won't be upset if I end up chipping in $500 or so for those expenses, even if she were to walk out right after she graduates in about six weeks.

I also mentioned in a recent post that we are going to be combining finances again.
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post #150 of 295 (permalink) Old 11-07-2013, 01:42 PM
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Re: Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation

Thanks for the sympathy. It was a suck, but it's in the past now.

If you will be ok if she leaves after school, then sounds like you've got it covered. I hope that doesn't happen.

Best of luck.

I will be responsible for my actions & decisions, rather than judging what you should do with your life.
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