Re: Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation
Wow, ok, this went off in a complete other direction.
I'm struggling with the notion that the alternative to "abandoning her daughter" is taking our daughter with her to couch surf at various friends homes for a couple of weeks and then move her in to an apartment with a man she'd only known for about 45 days (who later turned out to be a pedophile, he had no convictions of any kind prior to that), immediately after telling her that her mommy and daddy were going to live apart for a while. Again, THAT was the alternative. I cannot see how that alternative would make her a better mom than leaving her in her home with me, where I maintained a stable and comforting environment for her, while committing to visit her, taking her out, or speaking to her over the phone nearly every single day.
She DID get a job shortly before she left. Full time making $8/hour. A "single" mom can't live on $8 an hour and afford an apartment, utilities, food/clothing, gas, car payment, etc. So she moved in with the other man who she was seeing. Every counselor I have spoken to and co-parenting book I have read says that you have to be extremely careful when introducing children to new boyfriends or girlfriends, and we both knew that our 6 year old daughter being introduced to Mommy's new boyfriend who she'd only known for less than two months, would not be a good idea, let alone making her live with him as well. Despite everything, she also did not yet want a divorce, so as long as I wasn't forcing one, she didn't actually want to go file for divorce.
I wish she hadn't left. I know she was selfish to blast out of the house the way she did, and it was certainly unwise and hurtful for her to immediately move in with a new man. She didn't feel that she had many options due to her limited income, and she trusted me with our daughter at home, ultimately believing it was in her BEST INTEREST to not be forced to move out of her home to live in less desirable circumstances (crappy apartment in bad area of town, best that she could afford) with Mom's new boyfriend who she didn't know. My daughter didn't even find out that her mom was leaving or that the marriage was in trouble until the day she left. Are all of you actually saying that she made the wrong decision to leave her with me??!
Why is there this assumption that a woman is automatically a horrible mom if she doesn't insist on taking her children with her, regardless of any other factors involved?! Why can't a woman recognize that she is not in a healthy place (emotionally, mentally, financially) to be the primary caretaker of a child and make, what I believe was, the right choice to leave her child in a stable environment with the other parent and then do her best to co-parent from a few miles away on the other side of town? Are we really saying that any woman who comes to a decision to separate from her husband for valid reasons is automatically a horrible human being who should be ashamed of herself if she chooses to let her child continue to sleep in her own bedroom in what she feels is a better situation, just because she won't be living there as well? Even though she would see, talk with or take her out nearly every single day???
Incidentally, my wife had a baby when she was 16 years old and gave him up to a family she knew who could not have children. That boy is now in 6th grade, is happy and healthy with his family. I guess this makes her a ****ty, cold-hearted, despicable human being and a terrible parent right?
Karole: My wife DID get a job and try to support herself, but didn't make enough to be able to provide even 1/3 of the life that I was able to provide at our already established home. The other man had absolutely no convictions or even known accusations of having any interest in underage persons during her involvement with him. In no way, shape or form did she stay with him once the first notice of an accusation of pursuing the sexual relationship with the young girl came out, which was when he was arrested. Heck, the police showed up, arrested him, and despite only a $1,000 bail, he couldn't afford it and thus stayed in jail for the next six months during the court case. He was there when she left for work one day and was gone when she returned, finding the police there picking through her stuff for evidence, and hasn't seen him since. And why would it be better for her to have taken our daughter into that whole situation, filed for divorce and then seek child support from me? Are you trying to convince me that it would have been better if she had taken our daughter from me into that situation and forced me to pay for it?? Am I, or any father really, supposed to agree with that?
Wilderness: How the heck am I supposed to hold her accountable for this three and a half years later??? What am I supposed to say to her when I get home at 6pm tonight, her in the kitchen finishing up dinner while our daughter is doing her homework at the table? "How despicable of you to leave our daughter with me three and a half years ago, in our family home, rather than forcibly move her into the crappy apartment you had on the bad side of town with your new alcoholic boyfriend! Why couldn't you have at least filed for divorce and made me pay you for it with child support too? Get out, you disgust me."
I can't even begin to understand what the point of these comments are supposed to tell me. Has anyone asked if she's been a great mother since moving back home? If she kept to her promise of seeing, speaking with or being involved with our daughter's life on a daily basis since she moved out back in the spring of 2010? I guess those things don't matter because she is female, so all that matters is that she didn't take her child from me?