Re: Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation
Now I don't normally post, I'm much more of a lurker trying to find answers for my own situation but I read all 12 pages of this and oh my! I did have to respond, so much is similar where I can not (as yet) forgive my partner/ex (still working that one out) for his cruelty in his treatment of me in regards to things about our sex life amount other things.
Firstly, I see totally why your wife feels that way about sex. Yes many have been quick to point out she's had no trouble sleeping with other men, that however is not the point. When you have, and very much by the sounds of things, your wife has, been treated like a sexual object, sex can become just a motion, a power play. It doesn't mean anything to her, it's a commodity that used to sate desires. Yes it's easy to have sex with people you don't care for when you have been sexually betrayed, it's not so easy to do it when you care for someone, if fact making sex about more than sex, an act of love, intimacy and desire is scary cause it's always lead to hurt... That's where you get hurt. Look her past, raped, shamed for it!!!, a husband who openly admits he treated her like an object, even his whole porn addiction leads her to believe sex is nothing than a physical pleasure people use for their own purposes. Her child abuse. Man it's a messy screwed up view of sex in her head, no doubt.
I'm not actually saying that that is a healthy view of sex, but in this case I ponder if that is where your wife is. Opening herself to you, someone it seems as though she does care about, can be scary, a sexual act that triggers memories, so much more hurtful. I'm not seeing you as a bad guy cd, but that doesn't mean that she trusts you not to hurt her in her most vulnerable place, about sex.
This woman has been used and cd I think you are doing everything in his power to make her feel safe, which is perfect.
But cd, that won't make things ok long term, your wife needs to be able to see sex as a way of expressing love, at the moment, it's a source of abuse, power and shame in her mind. The only way you will get past this is for her to deal with the shame and horror of what has happened to her. I'm not sure about services in your country but a rape crisis centre has excellent resources for helping people deal with what has happened to them and learning about sex as what most of us take for granted, that it is an expression of love, not power. It seems that that is what is warped in your wife's head, this has nothing to do with how she feels about you, I would hope to see that she loves you, that's why it is hard for her.
I could totally be off track but it seems 12 pages of saying she's scared of physical intimacy and you wanting to what's right for her - she needs help.
I wish you both all the best, it sounds like you really do care for her and are looking for answers, I wish you had them.