I've been following your thread and admiring your introspection. My H and I are considering reconciliation after a year and a half of separation (and both of us being with other people.) I would not be considering it if my H had not shown signs of introspection. We have both committed to counselling and not dating other people while we're doing it.
I'm not sure what to think about your wife's discomfort with touch. I think it is a clear sign that she isn't fully invested in a future with you yet. I can see that talk about having a baby with someone you aren't sure you want a future with might be a libido-killer and feeling pressured to touch when you don't naturally feel like it could also be a point of resistance. But I'm having a hard time relating. I have always been the high desire one in my relationship and when my husband and I were separated I wanted to have sex with him more than ever. My love languages, however, are the same as your wife's - words of affirmation and quality time.
What would make her feel invested? I don't know what kinds of conversations you've had so far, but the more my H has volunteered his realizations about how he hurt me and talked to me about the realizations about himself and how they affected me, the closer I felt to him. I can't imagine that you haven't had those conversations with her, but if I were her, the more I would hear you articulate what you did wrong and what you intend to do differently (and show the differences) the more I would trust and be willing to invest.
I hope everything works out for you both. I have been pondering something a lot lately that you sort of touched on at the end of your message. I have spent a great deal of time trying to explain little things that I have noticed about myself in the past that used to make her uncomfortable/hurt her. Often times, in the middle of a day or mid-conversation even, I'll pause and point out to her a moment of reflection, or maybe something will happen and before my natural response kicks in (whatever that might be) I'll suddenly notice that it is different than the response I used to have or the opposite, that the response I was about to employ was wrong and that I just caught it in that moment. I like to let her know when these sorts of moments happen because I figure it would make her feel good to know, just as you indicate it does for you.
However, usually my doing so doesn't elicit much of a response from her at all. Maybe a nod, maybe a brief "thank-you" without eye contact, etc.
But what I have been debating is that I have done that sort of thing for a long time. I have done a LOT of very beta male things for her for a long time now. She knows I'll serve her hand and foot if she asks, and sometimes if she doesn't. I read the "Married Man's Sex Life Primer" and I can see that I really need to cut down on those sorts of behaviors and switch to an Alpha role to a degree.
I think the biggest problem that I have right now is that she knows that I have committed to and enacted virtually every change that she has asked for. I think if you or anyone were to ask her if there was anything she would have to complain about regarding me, the only thing she might say is that she probably feels "nagged" by me about working on the marriage, pushing her to make an effort that is. She is sort of right, about every two weeks I break down and ask her where we stand as a couple, if she is making any efforts and what those are, etc. I go to sleep at night, alone, and drive myself crazy with thoughts of why she can't do some of the simplest things.
But the problem is that the case she has made is that she isn't yet emotionally ready to fully be a wife to me yet. She says she still feels emotionally hurt from the past, is learning to trust me, and simply doesn't yet feel comfortable enough with me to be physical in ANY WAY. (Yeah, she still hasn't kissed me since June 2010 and even hugs are received with loud "sigh's" of reservation) I guess I get that, in the sense that I know I'm a guy and I can't exactly dismiss her feelings because I can't relate to her at that level, so I can trust her or I can call her a liar, but the later won't get me anywhere. The further problem is that before the marriage went downhill, she was just as uncomfortable with virtually anything physical, especially sex.
So is she telling me the truth about just needing more time, or is she just enjoying what might be a "perfect marriage" in her book? One that is sexless, emotionless, with no touching or deep conversation, etc. She says the efforts she makes is by slowly entrusting me more, which I suppose she is doing at a snails pace, but such "effort" is also incredibly difficult to gauge, because it isn't exactly every day that she has to prove some new level of trust.
So I'm kind of stuck. In a small sense, things ARE getting better every week. In very small ways, they absolutely are, I can't deny that. The trouble is none of those ways involve her showing any form of loving signs as far as I can tell, expressing any love languages, let alone my primary one or two languages. So it's just really tough to endure right now.