Wow, Cdbaker, you are an incredibly insightful and introspective person.
Because of that, and after reading the post I have included in this post, I think this relationship has a chance at reconciliation. I for one am rooting for you two.
There is nothing wrong with admitting that you want her back, absolutely nothing. Particularly regarding the swinging issue, but even without that really.
Can you, by any chance, step up the sexual connection stuff. Sex can reconnect that physical emotional bond in a way that nothing else can.
Have you attempted to be sexual with her? If so, has she rejected it? If so, has she said why she does not want to be sexual?
Tulsy: As I said, it's a terribly long story. I can say that I know I share a large portion of the responsibility for what happened. I never cheated, abused her or yelled/screamed, never drank or did drugs or gambled or any of the "obvious" things that a man can do to ruin a marriage, but I was a piss-poor husband. I left her starved for affection, used guilt and manipulation freely, got into some pretty messed up sexual fantasies and more. I drove her away, to the point that any guy who gave her a tiny bit of positive attention, would leave her captivated and vulnerable. I loved her dearly and thought I was a good husband by not doing any of the bad "obvious" things listed above, I worked hard to provide a good living, bought her gifts and supported activities/friends, but in the other important relational/emotional ways, I failed miserably. Cheating was absolutely wrong, she knows that, but I drove her to it, and in some screwy ways even endorsed it. (there was a time when we tried swinging) The sex offender was a smooth talking, manipulative dead beat, all three factors needed for a woman in her position. (charisma to charm her and lure her in, manipulative to break down her values to get her to do what he wanted, a dead beat so as to be "above her" in any way, so she would never have to feel inferior to him, which given her poor self esteem at that time, was a breath of fresh air to not have to worry if you are "good enough")
So maybe I have rug swept a few things, and I know no one should blame themselves fully when a partner cheats, but I am also supremely confident that her adultery never would have occurred if I had been even a half-decent husband. So I feel if I have learned from my mistakes and be a good husband going forward, then I shouldn't have anything to fear from her in that area.