Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
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post #106 of 295 (permalink) Old 10-30-2013, 03:41 AM
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Re: Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation

CD, I sent a pm to you with a link to personality changes caused by Antidepressant use (Strictly of the SSRI / SNRI variety) and causing divorces etc. Please read it. I didn't read all through the pages, just stopped where I saw you said she was taking an Antidepressant.

My ex wife was RXd 20mg of Citalopram for CHEST PAINS and in 3 months, all our problems started. Drinking, lying, cheating, stealing from the company etc. PLEASE look into that link I sent you.

For what it's worth, there's tons of people on there, THAT WERE MEDICATED and telling how they felt like they were in a fog, not in control and can't explain why they did the things they did.

Dewayne


"It's not about how hard you can hit. It's about how hard you can GET HIT and keep moving forward"
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post #107 of 295 (permalink) Old 10-30-2013, 11:36 AM
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Re: Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation

Quote:
Originally Posted by cdbaker View Post
I could insist that we go to marital counseling, but her other excuse would be that she is a full time nursing school student and works part time as well. Simply that she wouldn't have time. She graduates from nursing school in about six weeks, so I'm inclined to just schedule something for after her graduation so that she won't have that excuse.
She has time to go to a one hour MC session every other week. I think you need a conversation before you schedule in which you say "I need sex and physical touch to feel committed to the relationship. I've tried everything I know how to get us moving toward that and I feel like what I've tried hasn't worked so I'm at a point where I feel the last thing that might work is marriage counselling and I'm going to schedule an appointment for us." Then you suggest three times when you believe she could most easily show up and ask her which of those times works best for her. If she continues not to choose a time, tell her you will call the counselor and arrange a time you think might work best for her and then follow through. Then, she shows up or doesn't and if she doesn't you take it from there.

I also like your idea of waiting until after the Holidays, not only to keep the Holidays peaceful but because you kind of gave her a deadline and that deadline wasn't until January.
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post #108 of 295 (permalink) Old 10-30-2013, 02:22 PM
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Re: Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation

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Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
cd, you have a good heart... but it's sounding like you're making a LOT of excuses for her. A LOT of excuses.

You say she's been through the ringer with men in your most recent post, but from the outside it reads like a laundry list of bad choices on her part. She made really bad choices; why are you now expected to pay for that?

I understand that you think you're paying up for your own bad behavior in your marriage, but sometimes you have to say enough is enough. Problem is, you're not saying anything; you're letting her run you roughshod and take advantage of you, because you think that's what you deserve. I see someone martyring himself because he thinks that he deserves to be punished for what he did.
quoted for truth
Ive read this thread and I know there is MUCH more to the story than we are being told...but i really cant figure out WHY anyone would want to R in this situation...

Maybe I missed it, but CD...WHY do you want to make this marriage work?? Do you have a list of the positives you get from this marriage??
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post #109 of 295 (permalink) Old 10-30-2013, 11:53 PM
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Re: Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation

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One more thing, a question for everyone I suppose...

Our ten year marital anniversary is just a few weeks away, and I'm still not sure what I should do for her/us. We're "back together" but by no means are we romantic or physical yet.

CDBaker, has your 10 year Anniversary come and gone yet? What is the legal Alimony and Long Term relationship timeframe where you live? In the state where I live, it's 10 years.

If I am married to my soon-to-ex-wife after our 10 year Anniversary next Spring, then it's considered a long term relationship, and if one spouse is awarded alimony, it could be for LIFE (unless the spouse getting the alimony re-marries). I make 12 times more than what my wife earns,.... so I could end up paying alimony for LIFE.

Let me also say, that I was married to my current W, then divorced for 2 years, then re-married for almost 10 years the 2nd time around, and we have one child together. I thought the 2 year split would let us both grow, heal, figure things out,.... and we reconciled, remarried, and things were great for a couple years,.... but I ultimately discovered that the W's childhood trauma has cursed her FOREVER with a horrific mental illness and dysfunction in intimate relationships.

We are preparing to divorce a 2nd time now, she still lives in the house (cause she can't afford to move yet, and doesn't realize she doesn't hardly make any $), and I believe she is actively looking for her next victim and dating. I confronted her on it, but she denies it. Although I know her, and when she get's all dolled up and heavy makeup, etc,...

Rationalize it all you want, because that is natural, and what I did for a long time. But i have come to a level of acceptance, that my W is not capable of loving me in the way I was hoping might still be a "possibility". I mourn the loss of what I thought my life was going to be with her and our family, which is why I stuck it out for sooooo long. But, there is no saving this dysfunctional union.

She is a like caged animal that is yearning to run wild. This all stems from her low self esteem, CSA trauma, and trust issues.

Dude, it's all part of the illness. I don't know what if at all your W has, but something is NOT right.

I for one, can no longer walk on eggshells.

Check with your lawyers on that 10 year alimony issue.

God speed
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post #110 of 295 (permalink) Old 10-31-2013, 01:08 AM
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Re: Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation

CD,
A few quick thoughts. For most guys a sexless marriage is a broken marriage. When your marriage was sexless you simply should have framed your viewpoint this way:
For me, a sexless marriage is a broken marriage. Adding a child to a broken marriage is unfair to everyone concerned, including the new baby. We need to fix our marriage before we even discuss another child.

Your current plan is that you are reluctantly willing to restart your sex life by trying to conceive.

EPIC FAIL. Voluntarily adding a child means that you are at least satisfied with the state of the marriage. At bare minimum 'satisfied'. What will you do, if she gets pregnant and then tells you that having sex with you doesn't 'feel right'?

You also state she has a big issue admitting fault, or being wrong. That is a CLASSIC trait of the refuser in a sexless marriage. They are low on empathy so when they screw up it's all about how 'they feel', not at all about making YOU feel better. Which is one reason why rejection is so effortless for them.

Her total avoidance of touch with you is another huge red flag.

And I can promise you this, if you don't make your marriage whole and healthy before trying to conceive, you are signaling to her in the strongest way possible that you are ok with the status quo. You might not 'like' it, but you will accept it.

Making the house nice has zero to do with desire and empathy. Both of which she will need for you to feel loved.


Quote:
Originally Posted by cdbaker View Post
I imagine that most of you are right to some degree or another. I just struggle to believe a lot of it based on what I see with my own eyes. She hasn't kissed or even lovingly touched me in any way for over three and a half years (again, realize that we were separated and on a divorce path for over 3 of those years), but in the last few weeks alone she's been framing and hanging dozens of our family photos on our walls, planning a wedding trip to family on the east coast next year, going brides maid dress shopping with my sister (who gets married in May), etc. So she seems to be able to commit to the marriage in just about every way except physically.

So yes, I struggle with the idea of pushing harder when the reality is that she is committing in a lot of ways, just not the ways that fulfill me the most.

So should I walk away? Maybe, but I'm not willing to do so just yet, certainly not right before the holidays anyway. Instead I first want to find ways to try to move us forward. I have suggested marriage counseling or individual counseling for her, and thus far she has said she doesn't want to do either. Why do most people turn down the idea of counseling? I think it usually either A. because the person doesn't care enough about the situation to fix it, B. because the person doesn't believe anything is wrong with the situation or their behavior, or C. because the person is afraid that they will be "busted" and be asked to change/do something they don't want to do. I'm convinced that the reason for her opposition is 90% scenario C and maybe 10% scenario B.

Scenario B because she believes so strongly that her past, and our past, sort of gives her a pass on having to commit herself physically, at least for a long time. Scenario C because she struggles enormously when it comes to guilt, being told that she is wrong or at fault, and doesn't know how to handle those feelings well. So if she already knows that being physical with me in any way, shape or form makes her extremely uncomfortable, and she knows that it is really important for any relationship, then why would she want to commit to counseling if she already knows he/she is going to direct her to commit to something that makes her uncomfortable?

It's the same mentality that keeps a lot of people from going to the doctor. Someone who hasn't been to the doctor for ten years should probably go get a check-up, but if they are enormously afraid that they'll be told that something is wrong with them that will require a lot of treatment, or worse, then a lot of those people simply choose to not go to the doctor in the first place.

I could insist that we go to marital counseling, but her other excuse would be that she is a full time nursing school student and works part time as well. Simply that she wouldn't have time. She graduates from nursing school in about six weeks, so I'm inclined to just schedule something for after her graduation so that she won't have that excuse.
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post #111 of 295 (permalink) Old 10-31-2013, 07:48 AM
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Re: Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation

To CD:

You know, I can understand why you don't want to walk away. You are not a quitter and that is something that I respect about you. In a sense, I think it's the right thing to do as trying to keep a family together is about as worthwhile of an endeavor as there is.

BUT I think you are making a gigantic mistake by making this so easy on your wife. I just don't believe there is any utility in waiting around any further. It's already been tried and it hasn't produced fruit. Your wife knows what you have to offer. And you have a LOT to offer. You are a good dude with a very insightful and keen intellect. It really shines through in your posts, man. Don't discount that there are thousands of women out there that would love to have you.

Problem is, your wife is getting the whole package right now without having to give anything. She has little to no incentive to change. I believe you should really consider making her uncomfortable at this point. Put the moves on her and when she shoots you down or tries to shame you into backing off, don't back down. There is nothing to be ashamed of...it is perfectly normal and healthy to expect sex from your wife. Period. Man if this were me at minimum I'd be asking for sex every single day, and if she says no I'd be starting a conversation with her that is likely to be very uncomfortable for her. You don't have to be a jerk, but you do have to be firm and assertive. Then back up those talks with actions. After the first 3-4 fights, I'd tell her "I need to get out of the house." Then disappear until 2am and let her guess where you've been. IMO it's time to really shake things up.
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post #112 of 295 (permalink) Old 10-31-2013, 09:52 AM
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Re: Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation

CD,
The basic theme of a free ride described below is spot on. She is making the house nice, because she WANTS to. It isn't about you.

As for the 'shock and awe' approach of requesting sex daily, I think that is a huge mistake as it comes across as needy and weak.

Start with: I want a back massage tomorrow night. Just you touching me. And just a back massage.

If she recoils at the thought of touching/pleasing you in such a vanilla manner, you have zero chance of her magically agreeing to recreational sex simply because it is January of 2014.

And you are killing yourself with statements like: I don't expect sex for the foreseeable future.

Instead the statement is: Lets give this some time and see what happens. If it turns out we aren't physically compatible, then we will be friendly ex spouses and I'm ok with that.

You have to learn to define and assert boundaries:
- I won't add a child to a broken marriage
- I won't stay in a sexless marriage with a spouse who is not making a sincere effort to address that issue with me
- I won't stay married to someone who can't/won't admit to their bad behavior, and try to address it because it makes 'them' feel bad to do so

------
Isn't it ironic that your 'fragile' wife has managed to 'get' exactly what she wants from you, without having to 'give' anything she doesn't wish to.

She isn't fragile, she's clever.


QUOTE=wilderness;5233554]To CD:

You know, I can understand why you don't want to walk away. You are not a quitter and that is something that I respect about you. In a sense, I think it's the right thing to do as trying to keep a family together is about as worthwhile of an endeavor as there is.

BUT I think you are making a gigantic mistake by making this so easy on your wife. I just don't believe there is any utility in waiting around any further. It's already been tried and it hasn't produced fruit. Your wife knows what you have to offer. And you have a LOT to offer. You are a good dude with a very insightful and keen intellect. It really shines through in your posts, man. Don't discount that there are thousands of women out there that would love to have you.

Problem is, your wife is getting the whole package right now without having to give anything. She has little to no incentive to change. I believe you should really consider making her uncomfortable at this point. Put the moves on her and when she shoots you down or tries to shame you into backing off, don't back down. There is nothing to be ashamed of...it is perfectly normal and healthy to expect sex from your wife. Period. Man if this were me at minimum I'd be asking for sex every single day, and if she says no I'd be starting a conversation with her that is likely to be very uncomfortable for her. You don't have to be a jerk, but you do have to be firm and assertive. Then back up those talks with actions. After the first 3-4 fights, I'd tell her "I need to get out of the house." Then disappear until 2am and let her guess where you've been. IMO it's time to really shake things up.[/QUOTE]
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post #113 of 295 (permalink) Old 10-31-2013, 10:07 AM
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Re: Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation

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Originally Posted by MEM2020 View Post
CD,
The basic theme of a free ride described below is spot on. She is making the house nice, because she WANTS to. It isn't about you.

As for the 'shock and awe' approach of requesting sex daily, I think that is a huge mistake as it comes across as needy and weak.

Start with: I want a back massage tomorrow night. Just you touching me. And just a back massage.

If she recoils at the thought of touching/pleasing you in such a vanilla manner, you have zero chance of her magically agreeing to recreational sex simply because it is January of 2014.

And you are killing yourself with statements like: I don't expect sex for the foreseeable future.

Instead the statement is: Lets give this some time and see what happens. If it turns out we aren't physically compatible, then we will be friendly ex spouses and I'm ok with that.

You have to learn to define and assert boundaries:
- I won't add a child to a broken marriage
- I won't stay in a sexless marriage with a spouse who is not making a sincere effort to address that issue with me
- I won't stay married to someone who can't/won't admit to their bad behavior, and try to address it because it makes 'them' feel bad to do so

------
Isn't it ironic that your 'fragile' wife has managed to 'get' exactly what she wants from you, without having to 'give' anything she doesn't wish to.

She isn't fragile, she's clever.


QUOTE=wilderness;5233554]To CD:

You know, I can understand why you don't want to walk away. You are not a quitter and that is something that I respect about you. In a sense, I think it's the right thing to do as trying to keep a family together is about as worthwhile of an endeavor as there is.

BUT I think you are making a gigantic mistake by making this so easy on your wife. I just don't believe there is any utility in waiting around any further. It's already been tried and it hasn't produced fruit. Your wife knows what you have to offer. And you have a LOT to offer. You are a good dude with a very insightful and keen intellect. It really shines through in your posts, man. Don't discount that there are thousands of women out there that would love to have you.

Problem is, your wife is getting the whole package right now without having to give anything. She has little to no incentive to change. I believe you should really consider making her uncomfortable at this point. Put the moves on her and when she shoots you down or tries to shame you into backing off, don't back down. There is nothing to be ashamed of...it is perfectly normal and healthy to expect sex from your wife. Period. Man if this were me at minimum I'd be asking for sex every single day, and if she says no I'd be starting a conversation with her that is likely to be very uncomfortable for her. You don't have to be a jerk, but you do have to be firm and assertive. Then back up those talks with actions. After the first 3-4 fights, I'd tell her "I need to get out of the house." Then disappear until 2am and let her guess where you've been. IMO it's time to really shake things up.
[/QUOTE]

With all due respect, I don't agree that putting the moves on a woman daily is necessarily needy or weak. It's all in how it's framed. At this point, I'd just go in for a kiss and when she negs you, I'd say something along the lines of "I hope you don't expect me to put up with this nonsense for much longer, because this is getting old." Then the next day if I got negged, I'd just smile and say "ok" and disappear until 1am. Do that for a few days in a row, and I guarantee you'll get a response.
When that response comes, I'd use it as an opportunity to put another move on her. "You don't like me going out, why don't you get naked?"

No response, you can be absolutely certain that she has ZERO intentions of making the marriage work.
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post #114 of 295 (permalink) Old 10-31-2013, 10:44 AM
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Re: Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation

Wilderness,
The approach you suggested feels more aggressive than assertive.

Aggression is often driven by anger that is fueled by fear. And that doesn't work as well as being assertive in a marriage.

Besides, it makes it way easier for him to end it with a clean conscience. Because the real issue isn't sex. And a rejected back massage will highlight that very clearly.

FYI: Based on my prior experience, he absolutely will not ask he for a massage. Because when she says 'no' to that, he will have his answer. And he really doesn't want to know.


QUOTE=wilderness;5237130][/QUOTE]

With all due respect, I don't agree that putting the moves on a woman daily is necessarily needy or weak. It's all in how it's framed. At this point, I'd just go in for a kiss and when she negs you, I'd say something along the lines of "I hope you don't expect me to put up with this nonsense for much longer, because this is getting old." Then the next day if I got negged, I'd just smile and say "ok" and disappear until 1am. Do that for a few days in a row, and I guarantee you'll get a response.
When that response comes, I'd use it as an opportunity to put another move on her. "You don't like me going out, why don't you get naked?"

No response, you can be absolutely certain that she has ZERO intentions of making the marriage work.[/QUOTE]
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post #115 of 295 (permalink) Old 10-31-2013, 10:48 AM
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Re: Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation

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Wilderness,
The approach you suggested feels more aggressive than assertive.

Aggression is often driven by anger that is fueled by fear. And that doesn't work as well as being assertive in a marriage.

Besides, it makes it way easier for him to end it with a clean conscience. Because the real issue isn't sex. And a rejected back massage will highlight that very clearly.

FYI: Based on my prior experience, he absolutely will not ask he for a massage. Because when she says 'no' to that, he will have his answer. And he really doesn't want to know.


QUOTE=wilderness;5237130]


To be honest I kind of like the idea of asking for a back massage as well. Reason being if she says no there is almost no point to go through all the stuff that I suggested, anyway! Because I agree, if she won't even do that, it's time to hang em up.

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post #116 of 295 (permalink) Old 10-31-2013, 03:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation

I am reading all of these posts and considering. I agree that I need to up the pressure, though I don't think it should be for sex right away. I also agree that I don't want to get another baby involved until things are improved relationally. I never intended to consider another pregnancy until that was resolved in some way.

I think I saw it like this:

Move back in -> Take time to get comfortable with one another & rebuild trust -> Date each other again -> Let sex life rebuild naturally -> Then consider family growth.

We're just stuck at the "Getting comfortable and rebuilding trust" stage. In fact, the other day I noticed that she has password protected her computer. I don't know if I have ever explicitly said that I expect that we won't lock down our devices like that anymore, but I've certainly implied it. I intend to confront her about this soon. I keep my eyes open, I check into things from time to time, and I know what kind of signs to look for, and I don't believe she is "cheating" on me in any way, but password protecting her computer when she has never needed to do so before is a big red flag. I know our daughter has tried to use her computer from time to time when her own little laptop runs out of battery and my wife hates that, so it is VERY possible that she just locked it up in order to make my daughter be more responsible with her own stuff. When I bring it up, if that isn't her only excuse, then we'll have a problem.

Incidentally, I did ask her for a shoulder/neck massage the other night and she was willing to do so, but begrudgingly. Maybe because I asked after she was already rolled over in bed. Another area where I asserted myself successfully was over the weekend where she told me to bring a 2nd blanket/comforter to bed for myself, because she supposedly had gotten used to sleeping alone last winter and now doesn't like to share a blanket, no matter how large. I saw that as her trying to add even more physical separation between her and I. I told her that we have a king size bed with king size sheets/blankets that are plenty big for both of us. I said she knows that I am not a "blanket hog" in the slightest, and that I'm not comfortable with there being even more barriers between her and I, implying that if she wants to sleep with a king size blanket to herself, that either she or I will just sleep on the couch instead. That was a little over a week ago and she hasn't mentioned the issue since, or tried to change the bed/blanket arrangements.

On nearly a daily basis now, I spend a good chunk of time lamenting my situation. And unfortunately, today is our ten year anniversary. Yeah we got married on Halloween. We're not creepy goth people or anything like that either. We were just told ten years ago at the last minute that our new apartment would be ready for move-in the very next day, nov. 1st, and that if we didn't sign for it immediately, that we would be moved to the bottom of the waiting list and it would be months before we'd moved back to the top. So we called the pastor and had a quickie wedding with just our parents/siblings so that we would be married when we moved in together, and then had our wedding two months later just before Christmas. Anyway, she told me a couple of weeks ago that she didn't want to make a big deal of the anniversary, and that we aren't relationally "there" yet. I agreed with her, but just to be safe I did wake up early to go buy her favorite breakfast and delivered it (along with a nice card) to her in bed before taking our daughter to school.

On one hand, I'm bummed that she didn't want to make a bigger deal of it, and that makes me question her dedication. On the other hand, maybe I should be happy that she doesn't expect me to spend a ton of money on her right now, especially when the future is such a giant question mark.
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post #117 of 295 (permalink) Old 10-31-2013, 03:42 PM
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Re: Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation

CD,
Locked devices with a cheating spouses are a perfect example of where to convey and enforce a boundary.

The boundary is simple: I will not remain in a marriage with a known cheater unless they are fully agreeable to providing complete transparency.

Fully agreeable means:
- They understand and accept that THEIR cheating has reduced YOUR trust.
- They see transparency as a means of making amends for their prior breach and deception.

They don't accuse you of:
- Being controlling
- Invading their privacy
- Crowding them

Most important BY FAR is that they don't resist the following sequence of events.
You: explain your need and ask them to provide their passwords and devices for a spot check.
They: Calmly and immediately comply

If they resist/refuse to a 'spot check' they are definitely hiding stuff up to and including a full fledged sexually active affair.

If they create a fight and attack you for not 'trusting', them and then 'give in' the next day you can be sure they scrubbed their accounts clean of the evidence and called their affair partner to warn them.

If they suddenly desperately need to go to the bathroom and take their phone, they are scrubbing.




QUOTE=cdbaker;5247666]I am reading all of these posts and considering. I agree that I need to up the pressure, though I don't think it should be for sex right away. I also agree that I don't want to get another baby involved until things are improved relationally. I never intended to consider another pregnancy until that was resolved in some way.

I think I saw it like this:

Move back in -> Take time to get comfortable with one another & rebuild trust -> Date each other again -> Let sex life rebuild naturally -> Then consider family growth.

We're just stuck at the "Getting comfortable and rebuilding trust" stage. In fact, the other day I noticed that she has password protected her computer. I don't know if I have ever explicitly said that I expect that we won't lock down our devices like that anymore, but I've certainly implied it. I intend to confront her about this soon. I keep my eyes open, I check into things from time to time, and I know what kind of signs to look for, and I don't believe she is "cheating" on me in any way, but password protecting her computer when she has never needed to do so before is a big red flag. I know our daughter has tried to use her computer from time to time when her own little laptop runs out of battery and my wife hates that, so it is VERY possible that she just locked it up in order to make my daughter be more responsible with her own stuff. When I bring it up, if that isn't her only excuse, then we'll have a problem.

Incidentally, I did ask her for a shoulder/neck massage the other night and she was willing to do so, but begrudgingly. Maybe because I asked after she was already rolled over in bed. Another area where I asserted myself successfully was over the weekend where she told me to bring a 2nd blanket/comforter to bed for myself, because she supposedly had gotten used to sleeping alone last winter and now doesn't like to share a blanket, no matter how large. I saw that as her trying to add even more physical separation between her and I. I told her that we have a king size bed with king size sheets/blankets that are plenty big for both of us. I said she knows that I am not a "blanket hog" in the slightest, and that I'm not comfortable with there being even more barriers between her and I, implying that if she wants to sleep with a king size blanket to herself, that either she or I will just sleep on the couch instead. That was a little over a week ago and she hasn't mentioned the issue since, or tried to change the bed/blanket arrangements.

On nearly a daily basis now, I spend a good chunk of time lamenting my situation. And unfortunately, today is our ten year anniversary. Yeah we got married on Halloween. We're not creepy goth people or anything like that either. We were just told ten years ago at the last minute that our new apartment would be ready for move-in the very next day, nov. 1st, and that if we didn't sign for it immediately, that we would be moved to the bottom of the waiting list and it would be months before we'd moved back to the top. So we called the pastor and had a quickie wedding with just our parents/siblings so that we would be married when we moved in together, and then had our wedding two months later just before Christmas. Anyway, she told me a couple of weeks ago that she didn't want to make a big deal of the anniversary, and that we aren't relationally "there" yet. I agreed with her, but just to be safe I did wake up early to go buy her favorite breakfast and delivered it (along with a nice card) to her in bed before taking our daughter to school.

On one hand, I'm bummed that she didn't want to make a bigger deal of it, and that makes me question her dedication. On the other hand, maybe I should be happy that she doesn't expect me to spend a ton of money on her right now, especially when the future is such a giant question mark.[/QUOTE]
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post #118 of 295 (permalink) Old 10-31-2013, 03:59 PM
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Re: Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation

Quote:
Originally Posted by cdbaker View Post
Incidentally, I did ask her for a shoulder/neck massage the other night and she was willing to do so, but begrudgingly. Maybe because I asked after she was already rolled over in bed.
Personally, this would have irritated me, too, if I was her. I would be thinking, "You have had ALL NIGHT to ask me for this, and you wait until NOW to ask? I need at least 7 hours of sleep to be functional at work tomorrow, and now I'm only going to get 6 hours because you want me to give you a freaking massage? Do you have any idea how inconsiderate and selfish you are to ask me this right now?" But I would do it because I wouldn't want to rock the boat.

My STBXH pulled stuff like this all the time (after he has spent HOURS ignoring me while he played video games), and it was a very passive-aggressive way for him to communicate that his time and his needs were more important than mine. (And he continued to do this time and again, even after I had explained to him multiple times why it bothered me, and offered alternate solutions.)

I'm not trying to come down on you here, or say that's what you're trying to do. I just wanted to let you know how she may view it. Timing is more important than most people (men?) realize or consider.


~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #119 of 295 (permalink) Old 10-31-2013, 04:27 PM
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Re: Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation

I think we understand why you want her back. You love her and find her attractive. You also feel guilt about your past performance as her husband and you'd somehow like to make it up to her.

But what does she want from you? Comfort, income, security? Yes. Sex, affection and intimacy, no. Is she masturbating? Ask her how long she can go on being celibate?

Soon she will get her nursing degree right? If she gets a job in hospital with irregular hours, the opportunities to cheat are exciting. Sneaking into rooms that can be locked for a quickie, etc. Do you even want to monitor a wife in such an environment?

I would wait until she gets a job and has establish income, then I would file for divorce and 180 her. If she wants to save your marriage at that point and is initiating sex you can put the divorce on hold, heck they don't go through right away in any event.

While you are waiting, employ your sense of humor to psyche yourself up to be happy joke and laugh as if you didn't have a care in the world. Play some kind of prank on. Make some chocolate pudding or cake mix and when it is done ask her to come over and help. Ask he to stick a finger out, take her hand and steer it in. Then take it and lick clean it off.

Smack you lips say it tasted good. Smile and say thanks. Ask her if she wants to taste it, pretend you're going to put her finger in again for her. If she reacts negatively to a bit of suggestive teasing, then she is really far away. But don't give up. Invite her to take a bath or shower.

If it doesn't work let go for a day, but come up with something new day three. Pick up the pace. Let her know that seduction is in the air.

Maybe you can recall some memorable time that you had sex before everything went to the dogs. In bed firmly but gently spoon her and take her through how hot she was.

Don't whatever you do show that you a bummed out by rejection. Pretend you know you are going to succeed in the end because confidence is sexy. Don't let her assign you to the rejection bin.

Did you ever have sex toys? Buy a vibrator and buy some sexy underwear for her. Wrap the vibrator up in the undies. Get it gift wrapped. The next time you are unpacking groceries sneak into the bag. Maybe in the car on the way home. Let her discover it, WTF is this? Play dumb.

Maybe these ideas seem corny. But you need make the atmosphere light hearted. You need to make her laugh. If she never laughs and is permanently unapproachable, at some point you must throw in the towel.
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post #120 of 295 (permalink) Old 10-31-2013, 10:30 PM
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Re: Wife moving back in after 3+ year separation



Great suggestions, LongWalk.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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