Sating friends, better or worse chance of R?
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Reconciliation » Sating friends, better or worse chance of R?

Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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Old 07-12-2013, 03:13 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Sating friends, better or worse chance of R?

...

EDIT: Topic should having been: Staying friends....

So, my soon to be ex-wife says that she wants us to remain friends. She is adamant that we will never reconcile. I feel I am roughly capable of being her friend but obviously it is not exactly the type of relationship I want with her. I was wondering what the general opinion is, does staying friends hurt the chances of R down the road or help it?
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Old 07-12-2013, 03:19 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sating friends, better or worse chance of R?

I'm sure it's somewhat better odds than if you never spoke to each other again. But given her statement, i suspect the best odds would be on you having difficulty in moving on, because you're pining for her and can't move on.

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Old 07-12-2013, 07:24 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sating friends, better or worse chance of R?

That's a definite possibility but I am doing my best to move on in other ways. Trying to meet new people, return to financial and social independence and all that good stuff. I do want to position myself for the best chance at R as I can, though, I really feel like her leaving was a combined effect of my having gone through a period of depression and us losing touch with one another due to it while she was also greatly expanding her circle of friends due to employment in a place with a number of like minded individuals. Rising expectations and all that.

There was no cheating on either side, no arguing, no malice. I suspect if I play my cards right that in time she will see that the grass was pretty god damn green on this side of the fence. I just don't know how to play my cards. I've made pretty huge mistakes over the past couple of months, trying to explain to her how her complaints in most cases weren't actually true, that feelings that we weren't going to same places in life were due to projections of who I was becoming being based on a time of depression and that feelings of disconnection were also due to the same. I've realized now though that the more I explained the more she needed to come up with to rationalize her decision and that I just made matters much worse. She's said things like she is just no longer invested in the relationship. That she is the kind of person who makes a decision and stands by it. I just don't know what to do now. I don't know how to damage control or what the best way for me to show I am still a viable option.

My question focused mostly around two separate trains of thought I had. One, we were always fantastic together. We always had fun, spent our time laughing and smiling. In a way I feel need to show her that without stressing her out or putting her on her toes.

On the flip side I feel like providing that means that she still gets the part of the relationship she wanted with all of the exciting freedoms of a single woman, that it provides no need to resume our relationship and that I would be better to disappear and hope she winds up missing me.
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Old 07-15-2013, 11:32 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Staying friends, better or worse chance of R?

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Originally Posted by oberyn View Post
On the flip side I feel like providing that means that she still gets the part of the relationship she wanted with all of the exciting freedoms of a single woman.
You want to avoid that if you ever want to get back together. It's okay for her to know you still like her, and that you can both get along. But she is no longer your significant other, and unless there is a chance that will change in the future, she is no longer your priority.

Get out there and start dating. If she comes back to you eventually, it's all good. In the mean time, maybe you will find someone better.
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Old 07-18-2013, 05:34 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sating friends, better or worse chance of R?

I have a strong opinion on this.

Do NOT try to be friends. Make this clear to her. You don't want a "friend", you want a wife. By asking you to stay friends, she is cake eating. She can lean on you for psychological & emotional needs/ support whilst she goes elsewhere to satisfy her sexual needs. As she does, you will be further destroyed & your healing will be delayed.

Now, you can be "friendly", but being friends only works if neither of you have "feelings" for each other.

Reconciliation can only happen if she realizes the grass is not greener after she dates around & plays the field and then comes back to you. At this point, IMO, the best chance at R is to set her free, and cross your fingers (i.e. pray) that God does the work in her to give her the perspective that life with you was pretty darned good. Chances are good that as time passes, she will forget most of the bad times & only remember the good times, especially if there was no infidelity, abuse, etc.

As a single Mom, she will see that there are a lot of losers out there. Best of luck brother
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Old 07-18-2013, 10:31 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sating friends, better or worse chance of R?

I don't believe in being friends with Exs. If you had enough in your relationship to be friends, then there was enough to be together too.

So, no being friends.
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Old 07-18-2013, 11:08 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sating friends, better or worse chance of R?

My opinions goes against the grain of most on these boards.
My W and I are separated but still very friendly. The difference between us is my W is really wanting to work things out and it appears yours doesn't.
If she is wanting to date, you date too and do not wait. She may come around. Being friends is not wrong or bad. Different counselors, books, and people will tell you both ways.
Only you and her can actually know if it will work. Here is part of criteria I would look at: Were you two close friends who worked as true partners during your relationship and separation? If answer is NO...then I would say being friends could bite you. If YES was the answer, it could actually lead her back to you over time. That natural bond will always be there anyway so use it to your advantage. The big Q then is...do I want her back if she comes knocking?
Good luck and you are in my prayers
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Old 07-18-2013, 11:11 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sating friends, better or worse chance of R?

I agree with Exisa.

I think you can be friendly, and should be especially if you have children. If not NO.

But no you should not be friends.

It will delay your healing and it is a form of cake eating.

You deserve real friends.
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Old 07-19-2013, 04:53 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sating friends, better or worse chance of R?

Yeah , people have done a good job here explaining pros and cons.
For me , don't know. Definitely not good friends if your not good enough to stay married too l feel. Friendly , cool .

Us , we sep 9mths ago. Her choice, 1 d 12.
lt's been damn hard to know how to be but my d is priority one and making this as easier as poss.
So to save her at least one belt of house hopping , l visit there 1 or 2 wk nights for a few hours. x is usually there to and often chats away. We still mostly get along very well but this is for my d.
lf not for her , apart from our finances and house l don't think l'd see x.

But , l do think it has advantages maybe for R but mind you , that's just a thought.
l can see it stopping her , you from moving on and along the way you also reconnect a lot . Things can happen from that maybe , restart , soften hearts maybe . There are people here doing that and it is at least keeping them partly together and some thinking R .
Maybe that's a better chance than opening the gate and them playing the field , not sure !

With us it's very mixed . x has changed back a lot to herself and l can see she usually looks forward to me getting there.
l'm not sure in what way though. Thought she was turning to R but some bad stuff this wk makes me think l was wrong .
l wasn't so much waiting , l'm going on with llife , but l am to secretly open , maybe !

So it can be very confusing , maybe stop you moving on , maybe it has some of the bad points too , l'm still not sure.

Good luck
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Old 07-19-2013, 08:42 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sating friends, better or worse chance of R?

If you're still hoping to R, then do not be friends. Because she's going to rip your heart out of your A$$. Do you really want to watch her going out and getting banged by a bunch of new people while you comfort her and tell her how awesome she is?

If you don't have kids, there's no reason to have contact with her. Cut her out of your life.

Start working on getting your own life now. Get some new hobbies, hang out with the boys, go to divorce groups if you have to.

Stop pining for her, it's a symptom of you being desperate and putting her on a pedestal. Mourn the loss of your spouse but don't feel sorry for yourself.
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Old 07-19-2013, 08:45 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sating friends, better or worse chance of R?

Quote:
Originally Posted by oberyn View Post
...

EDIT: Topic should having been: Staying friends....

So, my soon to be ex-wife says that she wants us to remain friends. She is adamant that we will never reconcile. I feel I am roughly capable of being her friend but obviously it is not exactly the type of relationship I want with her. I was wondering what the general opinion is, does staying friends hurt the chances of R down the road or help it?
Double-edged sword.

She has told you plainly she does not want to reconcile. For some reason you are not believing her. So accept it as face value. Here is a woman who does not want to reconcile with you but wants to be your "friend." You said yourself you cannot be "friends" cause (I am assuming) you still want to get back together with her.


It doesn't work that way.

I personally would not stay friends with someone who clearly did not want to be with me. She has a right to those feelings she has but you also have a right to protect yourself from being a doormat/her emotional crutch.
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Old 07-19-2013, 09:38 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sating friends, better or worse chance of R?

Yeah l must admit , coming back here , reading these last two , no kids l wouldn't. And if she's seeing an om , forget it .

lt does fk with your head and heart a lot , that l can say .

One of our friends here , actually a couple , check Catch22- lost , sorry girls hope you don't mind . But they're doing this pretty full on and it's very hard on them , read Catch's thread.
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Old 07-21-2013, 06:35 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sating friends, better or worse chance of R?

No I don't mind. He needs to know the full on truth. It's a road that can be traveled;but it takes some pretty tough skin to travel it. I'm about to say to heck with it and move on, no matter what H wants.
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Old 07-24-2013, 03:01 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sating friends, better or worse chance of R?

I mostly have to agree with Exisa. I think it is ok to be "friendly" with her, but you really can't and should not transition to being "friends" with her. If you want to win her back, you need to let her go for now and work on yourself. Improve yourself all around. Financially, your living space, your physical health and appearance, and by all means, start dating again. Not to get her jealous (though it very well may have that added benefit) but to learn more about yourself and what you like and don't like. DO NOT give in to her every request. If she needs you for something, DO NOT let that interfere with your existing plans, or if you have none, consider saying no more often than yes. You can't be always available to her, as you should have far more important things going on than satiating your ex-wife who might need reminded of all that she has sacrificed by ending the marriage. Also, I definitely suggest prayer, for both of you, and to seek the counsel of trusted friends/advisers if possible.
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