Wife feels dead inside no longer wants to try..
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Reconciliation » Wife feels dead inside no longer wants to try..

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Old 07-13-2013, 03:36 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife feels dead inside no longer wants to try..

We have been married 9 years and have a 5 year old. We have not always had the best marriage, there have been intimacy issues that have lead to issues of self conciousness. When I say intimacy issues I am referring to me not being able to please her. This throws her into a downward spiral making her feel bad which in turn makes me feel bad that I can not please her. This led to me not wanting to be intimate as often as she would like to avoid the disappointment in her face. This then led her to believe that I did not want her which is not the case at all. I was just trying to protect her. This has been going on for years. Just recently she dropped the bomb that she no longer wants to be with me. I was devastated. She says it is because of the intimacy issues, the lack of compliments, and the overall feeling of not being appreciated. Looking back I see where she is coming from. I got stuck in a routine and just assumed she knew how much I love her and appreciate her. That was my mistake and I am so sorry for it. I have been going to counseling by myself and know that I can be the man she wants. I just have had trouble connecting with my own emotions that I was unable to recognize her emotional cues. Now she keeps telling me although she sees improvement it is too little too late. She refuses to go with me to counseling and is just pressuring me to accept her stance. I can not accept that. I love her so much! She says she loves me, but dies not think we could ever be on the same level. She said she has neglected herself too long and now she is dead inside and there is nothing that will change her mind. Counseling has mad me a more confidant and positive person but I just do not know how to convince her that I am here for her and that I love her. She just expects me to accept her position, and she will not even listen to mine. I don't know what to do anymore. she is not willing to listen to anything I have to say. Please help!
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Old 07-13-2013, 06:54 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife feels dead inside no longer wants to try..

She doesn't believe you've changed this much? Have you asked if she'd consider counseling with you to help show how much effort you've put into it? When you see her are you constantly asking her for forgiveness? If so, instead try keeping it light, demonstrate the new you and walk away. If it's appropriate, say good bye with a sincere 'I love you' and walk away w/o expecting anything from her. Each time you do this it leaves an imprint in her head and reinforce what you've said about changing. It may take a while because she's thinking you're only doing this to win her back and then you'll go back to way you were when you reconcile.
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Old 07-13-2013, 07:35 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife feels dead inside no longer wants to try..

I have asked her on multiple occasions to attend counseling with me and she absolutley refuses and insists there is nothing with her and she does not need it. I can understand what you are saying about her seeing it only as a temporary change and that things will go back to the way they were. I just don't know how much time I have before she files. I just end up pouring out everything I have and ed up getting rejected. I am in so much pain right now, but not in as much pain as she has been in all these years. I just want forgiveness as I realzie now what I have done for her. I just can not prove myself to her. She is my everything I think I may have lost her forever, and it is killing me inside.
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Old 07-13-2013, 08:11 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife feels dead inside no longer wants to try..

Give her the space(Divorce) then her eyes will be opened.
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Old 07-13-2013, 08:25 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife feels dead inside no longer wants to try..

I try to give her the space she needs, and she insists on still doing things together. She pulls me back in, and then rejects me again. She says she just does it to show that we can be friends for my childs sake. every time I pull back she gets upset and asks me what my problem is. I am just so confused I do not know what to do. I do not want a Divorce, I can not handle that.
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Old 07-15-2013, 11:26 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife feels dead inside no longer wants to try..

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Originally Posted by kac1023 View Post
I try to give her the space she needs, and she insists on still doing things together. She pulls me back in, and then rejects me again. She says she just does it to show that we can be friends for my childs sake. every time I pull back she gets upset and asks me what my problem is. I am just so confused I do not know what to do. I do not want a Divorce, I can not handle that.
She still wants you for something, maybe not sex, but something. Otherwise she wouldn't keep reeling you back in. She can probably sense you will not give up. This gives her the power and freedom to keep pulling you closer and pushing you away whenever she pleases.

You need to be willing to let her go.
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Old 07-16-2013, 01:51 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife feels dead inside no longer wants to try..

I have told her that if she wants the divorce that she should just go ahead and go through with it. I do not want to let her go, but I told her I am willing to do it for her, if that is what she wants.
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Old 07-16-2013, 03:17 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife feels dead inside no longer wants to try..

Let's see if I understand this correctly. You are talking about both types of intimacy, right? And the timeline is that 1) you were not pleasing her in the bedroom, 2) both of you started to feel more self conscious as a result, 3) you stopped showing her the other types of intimacy because you did not want to hurt her, i.e. you did not want to get her revved up for sex by being more distant and 4) your wife hit her limit and is now wanting the divorce.

Is this correct, or is the intimacy you are referring to completely related to spending time together, cuddling, holding hands, professing your love, etc and has nothing to do with sex?
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Old 07-16-2013, 03:41 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife feels dead inside no longer wants to try..

You are correct, I am talking about both types of intimacy.
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Old 07-17-2013, 08:53 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife feels dead inside no longer wants to try..

Barring any medical issues, bedroom issues are almost always fixable. Even if you would have an issue where your size is well below average, you can still do a number of other things with sex to still give her some quality intimacy. I'll ask some potentially embarrassing questions of you, but it's only meant to get to the true root cause in order to try to help you out.
  • Are you suffering from ED or is your testosterone levels low? If so, then there are fixes for both of those. You don't sound to be all that old, so I'm guessing if you do have ED it would probably be mentally triggered as opposed to something physical. In either case, see the Dr.
  • If you are below average in size and that's her issue, well there isn't much you can do with that. However, recall that the mind is the most sensitive sexual organ we have, and with your imagination and desire to make her feel special, you can do it. A few toys sprinkled in with your love making could remove this as a barrier to a rewarding sexual relationship with your wife.
  • Are you the type to be content with just sticking it in, doing your thing and then leaving? Then you need to get into foreplay and make sure that she also receives pleasure too. Plenty of internet resources and books on how to be a better lover if this is where you are falling short.
  • Is it due to depression? That is not so easy of a fix from the TAM folks aside from see a professional to help you work thru it plus medicine if needed.
  • Do you simply have a low sex drive? This may be a sign of low testosterone. Get checked by a Dr. to see if this is the culprit.

If the root cause is a lack of chemistry in the bedroom, then I think this whole situation is very much fixable. The only real issue I can see that may hinder it is if you have an obvious medical condition that prevents you from having a normal sex life or if you have a low sex drive that is not linked to low testosterone.
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