My Wife is addicted to online Sexual Role Playing - help me
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Relationships and Addiction » My Wife is addicted to online Sexual Role Playing - help me

Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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Old 01-28-2010, 05:53 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My Wife is addicted to online Sexual Role Playing - help me

Hello

As I am writing this post my world as I know it has been dealt a major blow. I recently accidentally discovered that my wife has been taking part in online BDSM forums in which she actively participates in a dominatrix / slave relationship with another man and this has left my world upside down and I don't know what to do about it

What I do know is that I have to talk to someone about it else I am going to blow up inside. I cannot talk to family or friends and am considering a psychologist because in the state of depression I am in I am worried that I might do something irrational to myself. For now though if I can just put all my thoughts into words maybe I can make some sense of it and maybe someone can help

About a year ago my wife started writing stories with other writers on a sex role forum. Although I was not 100% comfortable with this I didn't complain too much. The writing made my wife happy, she likes to write stories and she is a good writer. The fact that the stories were of a sexual nature concerned me though. It seems that since then my wife and myself have slowly grown apart. I love my wife very much but the fact that she would rather spend her time writing these stories with total men and woman strangers really hurt me. Is she not happy with me and used this to replace me

Up until I chose to play ignorant to this addiction of hers but the other day I accidentally found out more of her doings and this has really just shattered me, it is a lot worse than I had ever imagined. She doesn't know that I have found out about these things and I can't tell her cause then she will accuse me of invading her privacy. After my discovery I suppose I did invade her privacy and began to dig deeper to find out how bad it is but my world was in turmoil and I was trying to make sense of it all

Okay I am getting ahead of myself here, let me explain what I found. Basically she has moved on the BDSM forums where she now actively participates in a dominatrix / slave role with another man. I feel like she is cheating on me even though there is no physical interaction between the two per say but I am worried this is just because of the international distances between them. Some of the things this guy has my wife doing include sending him pictures of her female parts (all of them) and she seems to be all to happy to do this. They have Cybersex regularly. She has gone out to buy new clothes which she can then show him on the webcam. Everything she is doing lately is for him, she has confessed all of this in her postings. She even imagines him when we are having sex. I am distraught

If you ask me this guy is a sick pervert. His one post he admits to jacking off to the pictures my wife sent him

What am I to do. I love my wife but these actions of hers have driven a stake through my heart and I am now in Limbo. The thought has crossed my mind to confront her and demand a divorce. We have been married for almost 6 years now and have a comfortable life and I am reluctant to give all of this up. Obviously she is unhappy and with our relationship growing apart she has looked for comfort elsewhere. The ironic thing is is that the cause of what is pushing us apart (her writing on these forums)is the same thing she goes to for comfort. The more she seeks comfort in these threads the more she pushes me away

I am thinking that I need to tell her that I am uncomfortable with what she is doing and that I know she is hiding things from me and that if she wants our marriage to work she needs to come clean. I know she feels like she is cheating too, she has mentioned this is her posts to him and he keeps reassuring her there is nothing wrong. This F@#%@% has nothing to loose, he is getting naked pictures of my wife to jack off to, gets to have cybersex with her and then just wreck my marriage. He doesn't care for her, for pete's sack he has similar threads with other woman. My wife can come clean and tell me everything and I will forgive her

I know the F$%#%'ers email address and I am so tempted to send him an email threatening his life, that I want to beat him to a pulp and that he needs to back off from my wife and take his sickness elsewhere. Yes my wife joined these forums and found him etc and this is something I need to deal with but this guy keeps planting seeds in her mind. I am convinced that were she to leave me, which she has indicated doing, it would be his fault

I have discussed her fascination with BDSM her, not letting on that I know she is playing it out with another man. I am even trying to enact this with her in the bedroom to fulfill her needs this way, I find it tough as it isn't natural for me but I want to make here happy so I try

The strange thing is the more and more I found out about my wife's activities in this area the more sexually aroused it makes me which is weird. I am angry and horrified that she is treating our marriage this way but at the same time I find it such a turn on. We are more sexually active now and the sex is intense so much so that I can see myself getting involved in this a lot more but with my wife with me alone and no other men. I have told her that I want to get actively involved in this with her. I just don't see hope for our marriage if she continues with this guy (these are my thoughts, I haven't told her this). Surely all these things she is doing in today's modern technological world can be deemed as cheating

I have even considered creating a persona on these forums to lure my wife and then once I have her reveal myself to her

We have recently spoken of our problems and I have mentioned partly about my concern with her writings and she her problems with me. I have agreed to work on my problems but I am just worried that she doesn't actually know the full extent of my unhappiness. I am so tempted to email her this posting just to get it all out in the open and see what happens then. I am prepared to fight for our marriage but she needs to come clean

So yes that is my dilema and I would appreciate any advice, thoughts etc. Maybe some of you have had similar experiences and have some advice. Thanks in advance
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Old 01-28-2010, 11:01 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife is addicted to online Sexual Role Playing - help me

I would tell her parents.
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Old 01-28-2010, 11:12 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife is addicted to online Sexual Role Playing - help me

I have even considered creating a persona on these forums to lure my wife and then once I have her reveal myself to her DO this !! This is MY advice!


I have Zero experience with this, but I used to email a man that talked extensively about a woman who used to write him -back & forth about how she was in a happy marraige but "needed" more in the bedroom, she wanted to be treated like a Slave, even a ****, and her husband was too nice of a guy to treat her like this, though
she craved it, so she sought out men to play these roles with her (Or only this guy, I do not know), it was the 1st time I ever heard of anything like this, I found it very intreging.

I guess she had a high powered JOB, was always in control in real life and for her, she NEEDED to be controlled in the bedroom, but her husband could not do this, he "loved" her too much to be this for her. I doubt he knew she was emailing this guy. He used to find it very bizarre himself but he loved writing so he played this for her, in this situation, it was only words, NO webcams, just emails. He felt it kept her happy in her marraige . Strange I know.

I feel it is very very good that YOU want to explore this WITH her and you are getting aroused by it. I Seriously feel it would be AMAZING if you made a username up, join that forum and WOoooo her away from this man, then Reveal yourself !! WOW, what a re-connection that would be !!
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Old 01-28-2010, 11:30 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife is addicted to online Sexual Role Playing - help me

I would NOT try to trick her - don't start playing stupid games.

I would NOT try to scare the other man away - you can't kick his ass - he's too far away. This "fighting over her" may actually make your wife more INTO him - its forbidden fruit and giving her a lot of attention.

I would NOT go straight for divorce. It doesn't sound like that's what you want.

I WOULD talk to your wife about what you found - all of it. It most definitely IS cheating and needs to be addressed and stopped ASAP.

I think your post above would be a good script to go off of.

And if you are having fun in the bedroom and enjoy these things, maybe you guys can work through this. It doesn't sound like an issue of her having a need that you aren't willing to fullfill.

Could it be she was embarrassed to talk to you about these things?

Even so it is still cheating and she needs to stop immediately. Good luck.
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Old 01-28-2010, 11:33 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife is addicted to online Sexual Role Playing - help me

Simply - I don't think he should be trying to compete here. I think this needs to be out in the open.

However, you can still send sexy texts, e-mails - maybe join the forum but let her know its you and make sure her chatting is EXCLUSIVE to YOU.
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Old 01-28-2010, 12:46 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife is addicted to online Sexual Role Playing - help me

Yes, it is a very serious situation, You are right, I think I would have a talk with her and still , if she wanted, join this forum and explore with each other.

It just reminds me of something I read in a book one time about spicing up a so -so sex life, this man always had a secret fantasy to see his wife with another man- but didn't want to go that far, so he told her he was going to hire a massuere (??) and he was going to massage her whole body , but she had to be blindfolded. She did not want this, but allowed it- because it is what he wanted. The twist was - HE was the masseur (she could not see him since she was blindfolded) -and he started massaging her, and it got really intense and passionate, to the point of her not being able to hold back and having sex with him!! She didnt know it was her husband , and he did not tell her, he felt very strange about it afterwards - WHY she gave herself to another man, he was torn, and she was feeling guilty. Eventually He revealed this game he was playing and it just really opened up their sex life to new heights.
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Old 01-29-2010, 04:54 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I most definitely want our marriage to survive

I feel I can't confront her out right about this other man, she needs to come to me about it. I can gently try to persuade her that I love her very much and that she can share everything about her BDSM experiences with me

I feel a bit guilty about spying on her now but in all honesty it turns me on a bit plus it allows me to foresee any potential dangers to our marriage. My wife is a submissive in real life in that she can easily be woo'd into a false sense of love I feel.

She has ascertained me that she keeps this totally online and that I have nothing to fear but she always just refers to her story tellings with other men. The fact that she actively has a master / slave relationship online whereby she is doing stuff for other men is the problem.I still do feel like she is cheating on me and thus I need her to come clean with me on this

I will endeavour to get more involved in this whole side of her life and hopefully she will see that I enjoy it and love her and that she can tell me everything. I would actually like to be present when she does these things for the other man knowing that I will profit from the arousal physically later
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Old 01-29-2010, 08:09 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife is addicted to online Sexual Role Playing - help me

I still say you should call her out on it. She is cheating. It may turn you on now, but what will you do if she becomes more daring, starts going out more, etc. You won't trust her.

Like I said above, I wouldn't turn this into a game. Confront her, deal with things (have her end the submissive thing), and THEN talk about what turns you both on.
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Old 01-30-2010, 09:48 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife is addicted to online Sexual Role Playing - help me

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I feel I can't confront her out right about this other man, she needs to come to me about it. I can gently try to persuade her that I love her very much and that she can share everything about her BDSM experiences with me
Oh yeah...THAT'll work. Can you say doormat?
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Old 01-30-2010, 10:34 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Oh yeah...THAT'll work. Can you say doormat?
Yes I do feel like that you are right. I am trying to justify her actions in that it is not something physical but I know I am just looking for excuses

I am thinking of going to see a Psychologist or Marriage Counselor alone for now to talk my thoughts. I am worried that if I confront her I might say things that I will regret later. Yes I am hurting my I don't want to loose her, I love her. I want to discuss this with her

We have been married for almost 6 years and I can't believe that she would end it over some online sex role playing forum
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Old 01-30-2010, 02:52 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife is addicted to online Sexual Role Playing - help me

This IS cheating and needs to be stopped ASAP. Confront her straight up and see if she will be honest. If she is defiant and angry and turns things back around on you for snooping, then the problem is worse than you think.

If she opens up - admits this is a problem and agrees to stop - then by all means, start having some fun with things before you almost lose her again. Get your own ID and play online - but do it together.
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Old 01-30-2010, 03:50 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Wife is addicted to online Sexual Role Playing - help me

I didn't even read your whole post, maybe I should have I just read role play another man, personally I'd cut the *****es clit off. please forgive me for my foul language
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Old 01-30-2010, 04:13 PM   #13 (permalink)
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If it makes you horney, just ****her more and enjoy it. She obviously has some built up sexual tension.
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Old 01-30-2010, 07:20 PM   #14 (permalink)
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It's turning you on because it's squarking a natural biological competitive urge to "beat the other guys sperm". She's not having actual sex with him, but your own body doesn't really known that, it's just aware of the competing male involved with her, so it's started up anyway. This is completely normal.

Don't tell her parents. That was horrible advice. That would probably cause enormous problems.

The longer you do nothing, the worse this issue will be. You must act, or you will continue to lose her to him slowly.

I believe you have to tell her that you know, that it is unacceptable to you that she is doing this, and that you are hurt, and she needs to break it off with him. This is an emotional affair.

Tell her you know she has been crossing her own boundaries into cheating, because you have read her saying exactly that in email/chat/whatever.

However I think you should also say to her that you now realize that you have obviously been lacking in supplying something she needs in your relationship, and that is something you very much want to fix. Together.
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Old 01-30-2010, 08:30 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Don't tell her parents. That was horrible advice. That would probably cause enormous problems.
Why? Who are the two people on this earth whose respect she needs and wants the most? Her parents. If ANYONE can get her to realize the slippery, disgusting path she is on, it is them.

If she doesn't know YOU know, talk to her before you call them, and give her a chance to stop. If she refuses, then bring her folks in.
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