Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
I have been reading here for awhile, in an attempt to find answers.
I have been married to a functioning alcoholic for 13 years. He drinks 5 out of 7 days and always to the point of drunkeness. He holds down a good job, takes care of alot of his parenting duties and is a respected member of the community. But behind the closed doors of our home he is a drunk.
In the beginning I honestly did not realize he had a problem. He worked nights and would come home and drink after work and hide the evidence. It wasn't until I began finding bottles in the car that I thought something was up. When I said something to him he told me he hated his job and this was a way to cope. Soon after he changed jobs and I thought things were going to get better. I could not have been more wrong.
He worked the night shift to start with and on his nights off he would go to a friends house and get drunk. This went on for about 5 years and then he was promoted to top dog and went on days. I really thought things would change then. I thought we would have more time together and that he would be less stressed and therefore drink less. I was still in denial.
It has escalated now to this. He is honestly drunk more nights than he is sober. And when he is sober I can barely stand to be around him. Even the kids say they like dad better when he is drinking.
Our sex life is nonexistant. He is unable to perform, which I am assuming is from the drinking. We are like roommates now. I go to bed alone every night.
A few weeks ago I had just had enough and told him I wanted a divorce. At first he was mad and told me to go but then said he would go to the dr. about the sex thing and that he did not think it was from drinking, he thinks he has diabetes. Which he probably does.
Since then nothing has changed. He has not made a doctors appointment and after a week of asking I have stopped mentioning it. Things have continued as if nothing happened. We have 6 children. I feel as though I have in many ways been a single parent all these years. I stay because I want them to have a better life than I did. Yet I am afraid I am setting a horrible example.
I guess I just want to vent and figure out how to cope until I am ready to leave. I honestly don't think he will quit.
Syn,
I know exactly what you are going through. Your story is mine too. I am married to a functioning alcoholic, we have been together for 15 years. I use to ask, beg, plead, threaten, scream for him to quit drinking but nothing worked. And it didn't work because only HE can decide when he wants to quit. My husband does recognize he is an alcoholic but he doesn't do anything about it because alcohol doesn't cause any problems in his eyes. But of course it does.
This is the way I see it - until your husband can admit he has a problem and is WILLING to do something about it then hopefully your marriage can be repaired otherwise you either live with it or you divorce him. Forcing him to become sober when he isn't ready will not last long.
We have children and I worry as well about how this is effecting them as well. My children know their dad is an alcoholic and I try to talk to them about it when I can. I know I am setting a horrible example to them, esp. my daughter. My mother married an alcoholic, I married an alcoholic and I pray she will NOT marry an alcoholic.
Have you sat down and had a heart to heart talk with your husband (of course make sure he's sober) and discussed your feelings? Usually though it is really hard to get an alcoholic to recognize that their behavior/drinking is causing a problem. Bring up specific events that make you feel the way you do.
Hopefully he can recognize his drinking is causing problems and he will actually want to do something about it.
Thanks for your reply. Yes, I have talked to him many times. I have done all of the things you mentioned. Threatened, begged, cried, screamed, all of it to no avail.
Sometime I wish he was the type of alcoholic that everyone always pictures...abusive, unable to keep a job etc. It would be easier to leave then.
I have 5 girls. It really scares me to imagine sometimes what they must think of me. I wonder if they find me weak or worse. I am also afraid of what my son is seeing. Does he think this is normal?
My oldest daughter is 18, she is not his, and I have talked to her about it because she asks and she is old enough for the truth. My other children however are younger and I would feel as though I were bad mouthing him to them, so I have never talked to them about it.
I appreciate your response. It is nice to know there is someone out there who understands. My friends try but unless you have lived it you cannot understand.
I agree with you. If my husband was abusive, couldn't hold a job etc, then it would be easier to leave him. But then I feel is that another excuse that I have made up? Probably so. We enable by allowing the behavior to continue but what is the alternative if the alcoholic is unwilling to quit drinking? The only other alternative is divorce. I love my husband and it sounds like you do to. We just hate the drinking and all that comes with it. It comes down to what you are willing to put up with.
As far as the children go, it would be good if you talk with them. Of course in age appropriate terms. They know when their father is drunk. And you don't have to bash him, but just be honest. My daughter is 11 and my son is 9. I also have a 3yr old. I do speak with the two older ones. They know their father is a good man but he is an alcoholic and I have explained what this means. We have alot of talks because my husband is drunk more than he is sober so they see that side of him often.
You MUST go to an alanon meeting. It will save your life, your marriage (maybe), and your family. They are the ones who have been where you are.
PLEASE do this asap so that you don't pass on the disease to your children. Being the parent that aids the acoholic is really no better than being the drunk, when it comes to your kids. You are caught in an enabling circle, and you need help to get out of it.
Been in this situation for four years, and just left recently. It only gets harder to live with a functional alcoholic...if you are not receiving some outside help. (therapy/al-anon etc)
Alcoholism is something that cannot be "controlled" in the sense of "I will just drink less", or "I can stop whenever I want to." There has to be sobriety in every sense of the word. The sad part is though, that you cannot even try to change him. It will only exhaust you and take more of your emotional/mental stability away.
Find your core strength, and begin to take care of yourself and your children. It would be WONDERFUL if you could find someone to talk too, someone that could help you gain some perspective. It was very easy for me to become an "enabler" or dependent on his behavior...especially since I recognized the problem much later in our marriage.
He is stuck in this cycle just like you are. Alcoholism is very much a disease, but he can still say no and choose a different path. It may take time/help, but it can be done. However...that is his journey.
What to do
