Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
I appreciate your supportive comments. I had felt that things were a little calmer; I was wrong.
Trying to remember to focus on the kids and it's hard and I'm failing at being more supportive of our daughters wedding, I need to get focused on that.
I've had suicidal thoughts again; I feel like I'm better at controlling them. Yesterday I felt like just driving in front of a
semi, but I wouldn't want to hurt anyone else. Then I think it
would ruin my daughters wedding and now my son is close to
his Eagle scout. So I stopped and cried for awhile and came home to them.
I do know I've raised a great son. He will treat his wife and children so well. He's already so respectful of the girl he likes and is thoughtful in his dates and gifts for her.
He'll never be like his father and would have complete disdain
if he knew what he's done.
I can't believe she is emailing me either. BUT, I totally believe her and she seems to be apologetic and honest with me.
More than he does.
She was new to the area and found him on a dating site.
He told her we had a mutual agreement to stay together for the kids; and didn't have sex anymore; otherwise she wouldn't have been there. (I don't see her as innocent knowing he was married, and falling for the lines, but she is giving me answers where he won't).
They had dinner and he took a call from our older daughter when they were at the movies. She waited while he called us online in his room.
They had sex and it wasn't too outstanding.
They did chat online and email; and he even called her from home telling me they were work calls.
She is about 4 years younger than him and said he liked her large breasts, always tells me he likes the 'handful' that I have.
According to the records I found, she would have been a first,
if not the first. Don't know what/who came after.
They talked about a month or so still after that and it ended and she moved to another state (public records confirm this).
She almost seems a friend right now, and I know that's twisted and sick. But she has said she would answer any questions and seems genuinely apologetic for the pain I'm in.
I told her she should get tested if she's had any problems.
I'll be telling my doctor to check for other things regarding a low white cell count, blood in urine and infection they haven't been able to figure out now that I know he's been screwing around.
I'm realizing that he is not only a porn addict, but a sex addict.
When I look back at all the 'situations' that he got into that were totally innocent-yea right-. He can't be left alone without screwing someone and freaking out on porn.
He's been doing a 12 step, but it isn't conveneint with his work schedule. Tried one online tonight. He seems to be trying and doing and saying all the 'right things'. He's such a liar, I wonder how long it'll take to figure out his angle.
I have a 5 year plan for kids being taken care of and then I can get rid of him. Just don't know how to focus to follow through.
Thanks as usual for listening to ramblings and for more resources.
Hi... I am new to this forum, but not new to the problems that porn addiction causes in a marriage. At this moment in time, I am married to a man whom I love very much, but I can not deal with this issue any longer. He refuses to see the damage his addiction has caused, and refuses to believe he has a problem at all.... so I don't seen any end to this other than to end our marriage.
I really wish men could know the pain and heartache they cause by tossing aside everything that's good in their lives for this crap.
Pornography is destructive and the addict generally does not think he has a problem because he or she is in the middle of it. However, if you can get them to watch some frequently asked questions, we have had several individuals say, "Ah, this sounds like me." Is he willing to watch some videos like this? If so, I would ask him to check out this link: Understanding Pornography Addiction
These are some of the most asked questions and will be helpful in self diagnosis.
Hi InnerGold, and thank you for the link. I have just watched some of the FAQs myself and there is some good info there. However, I honestly do not think my husband will even consider looking at it! He has repeatedly told me that HE does not have a problem with pornography, that I am the one with the problem!!! According to him, I should be able to overlook the whole thing and just "be cool" about it!!!
He has also more recently told me that if I bring the subject up again, that he will walk away and refuse to discuss it with me any more.
Just so you understand the extent of his use of porn.... there are hundreds of hours of downloaded stuff on his computer, which is now password protected since I found that particular stash in 'hidden files' recently. In addition to that, there are also hundreds of DVDs which are kept elsewhere because every time I find any, I destroy them, which causes even more friction. I do not know if he has been watching 'live-cam' stuff or engaging in cyber-sex, but I do know that our sex life has become non-existent, so I can only assume that there is even more that I do not know about.
He did promise that he would stop, only in order to prove to me that he could, NOT because he felt it was a problem!!! But he hasn't stopped.
I am just at a point now where I can see no solution to this situation and I am truly at the end of my rope and I am seriously considering quitting my job in order to be home all the time so that he will have less opportunity.
I will send him the link to his e-mail because I know he will refuse to talk to me about it.
In spite of all this, I am still very much in love with my husband, and I really want to save this marriage.... I just don't know what to do any more!
He did promise that he would stop, only in order to prove to me that he could, NOT because he felt it was a problem!!!
He won't be able to for very long because will power alone will not work. We have heard this many times and what happens is the addict will stop for a day or week and say, "See, I am not an addict." because their limbic system will be going hay wire looking to get back to it.
You can share information with him via email or something else but you can't force anyone to do something. Try just emailing information to him, like the FAQ's - Am I An Addict?
That's what I'm hoping for.... and thank you for your words of encouragement. I have e-mailed him the link you posted, but I'm pretty sure he won't even watch it once he sees what it is about.
I want to try to change his opinion that this issue between us is not just me being a "controlling and prudish" (his words)
He just seems to refuse to try and understand how this is affecting our relationship and only wants to blame me every time we have a fight over it. Other than this issue, I must say, he is a very loving, attentive and generous man... perhaps a little dominating sometimes, and extremely stubborn.... but those things I can handle.
I've told him that I can't deal with this any more, but he does not seem to care that our marriage is at risk.... again he says this is my fault for not being able to deal with his "hobby"!!!
Am I banging my head against a brick wall here??? Is there even any point in my trying any more??
again he says this is my fault for not being able to deal with his "hobby"!!!
Am I banging my head against a brick wall here??? Is there even any point in my trying any more??
Addicts rationalize everything and try to pass their problem on to others. Personally, I would never give up! You also deserve respect. Hopefully, he will look at the videos and find some strength and recognition of issues he is dealing with.
There's always hope for a sex addict who struggles with porn. However, better sex in marriage doesn't always do it, as imho, it doesn't get to the root of the issue.
As I've struggled with this, I would encourage those who likewise do to get counseling and/or install a porn filter on your computer to help.
The bottom line is to be open with your spouse when confessing your problem and getting help. If you don't see it as an issue, unfortunately, statistically speaking, it doesn't bode well for your marriage and may not end well.
Re: Is there hope for a porn addict? 
