Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
Can a marriage be saved? Is there hope for a man addicted to porn? We've had problems with it before and I thought it was over. Something set him off big time. By the end of the night I found a total of 10 email addresses that he was using. Facebook-to contact my supposed friend that he slept with. Married and looking websites. Emails to a girl he'd been talking to.
Pages and pages of porn emails between him and a co-worker (male) and a weird relationship if you ask me.
X-tube I didn't even know existed. I'm so freaked out, I want to wake up and I can't.
He said he's been chatting on the sex lines in the middle of the night.
One girl he was actually starting a relationship with he told her he'd call her from home.
He's been hiding this from me for over 3 years. How stupid am I? Why didn't I see it. I'm completely losing my mind.
I was an addict, more or less a sex addict, My wife started this a number of years back, and then she just turned me off. She recently pick up the steamy sex in the marriage and now our sex life is better than porn...
The last thing he could complain about was our sex life. It's been frequent and I've been totally open to at least try whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. I'm know he's very pleased in the bedroom, and anywhere else he wanted for that matter. I enjoy sex very much and often want it more than he does, so I let him pick the pace. I've stayed much more fit than he has too. When he's out of town if he's wanted phone or video sex, he'd get it.
When he's on the road I encourage him to go out with the guys and relax. When he's home I keep things nice for him. I don't get all over him about little things. I haven't done anything that warrants being treated the way I have been.
My life has been twisted upside down and you say try steamy sex? Seriously?
Yes, but it sounds like you're my perfect match. My wife does normal things, but you have phone sex and other do other things!..You husband doesn't know what he is missing!
Doesn't make your wife a bad person because she has different
sexual paths than you. Try talking to her, you might be surprised at what she might want to try. That shouldn't be a deal breaker, you need to find ways to work together. This makes me crazy because I've always tried to please him in and out of the bedroom. I took him to the park to make love in the afternoon once because he mentioned he'd like it. I let him watch me in the hot tub when he asked me last month. It's a punch in the gut to know he's a lying cheater and was probably calling his fat ugly girlfriend when I'm in shower. ...and yes she is and she was SUPPOSED to be my friend. I've been supportive of when he wanted to move, job changes, encouraged him to continue his education. I want him to go with the guys to ballgames and hang-out; I don't expect much of him here other than to spend time with his kids.
I'm not a screamer, I don't jump down his throat over stupid little things. I hate him right now. Thank God for sleeping pills, it's only about 30 minutes and he's totally out of my mind.
With my addiction I probably have made my wife hatefull to me
sometimes. I was a crossdresser that got caught. I would often fantasize about her and I.
Got caught what? Unless you were cheating on her I don't see that it's a big deal, it's something you work on together and come to terms and find a way to make you both happy; outline bounderies. Maybe there's something she'd like to try but hasn't been able to tell you. There are some things I wouldn't do at home, I wanted to go to a hotel for, that also kept it more exciting. Thanks for helping me take my mind off the loser I'm married to. My stupid husband is a lying cheater.
To be honest, I was a crossdresser for years and never admitted to my wife about it. I used her clothes and when I did get caught she thought that I was cheating on her. You sound to me someone I would enjoy spending time with. Just chatting about our problems and being honest with each other.
I'm so freaked out, I want to wake up and I can't.
...
Why didn't I see it. I'm completely losing my mind.
Bravo99,
It sounds like he may have a sex addiction that is out of control. IMO, I cannot otherwise imagine why he would risk his marriage to you, his health, your health (if he has had physical relations with anyone), his family...and the number of different things you found...as if porn didn't do it for him anymore so it got more extreme as time went by. If this is the case, it has nothing to do with you and you cannot fix it...He needs to want help if he cannot stop on his own.
What is he saying about all of this? What does he want to do? I know you probably cannot believe anything out of his mouth right now, but I'm just wondering with everything out in the open, what his reaction is now?
We've actually dealt with him and porn before but I thought we were over it and he was dealing with it. I felt safer in my marriage than I probably ever have.
He and his friends from work have '4 sex' email addresses and that's all they do is exchange porn. How sick is that?
Pages and pages a day for 2 years in one email.
How could I be so stupid not to see this? Then I also question did I set him off by being so willing sexually to do whatever he wanted?
I feel like I'm going out of my mind. I changed his ringtone to some song that came on that screams 'I hate you'. He must hate me to treat me this way.
He says he would go to X-tube (I'd never heard of this) and then pop ups for chat would come up and he'd have flirty sex chat, even though it didn't turn him on...whatever, he couldv'e done that with me.
But, then he also emailed a map to his hotel, phoned and private chatted with a girl. He say's he has a line and it got too real for him so he didn't contact her again. I don't believe him, I don't believe anything he says.
I've been monitoring all the active emails he had, he cancelled one so I reactivated it and changed the password to see what shows up.
He's been talking on the phone to my so-called can't keep a man loser ex-friend with his co-workers around, to me that's moved on already. He says he hasn't had contact with her for a couple of weeks and promises not to call her; and if she contacts him he'll let me know or forward the email.
I don't believe him, I don't know what his angle is for saying he really wants to be here.
All I know is he wrote her a letter saying he'd wished to be free of me for the last 20 years WTF. He's all 'oh your so great', 'I can't complain', 'I don't know what's wrong with me'. Now I know why he's been having erection issues the last couple of years, he's over saturated himself.
Sorry...spewing I just can't get a grip on my thoughts. I guess we'll go to the counselor on Friday and see what happens except I'm waiting for him to call and say he has to stay and work through the weekend. Thanks for listening to my crazy.....
Ditto, I appreciate the replies I've been getting, it's helping me get to a different place, although I don't know if it's a better place. But this is the first day I haven't lived on sleeping pills, although I still can't eat.
Why would she think you're cheating on her wearing her clothes? The emotional side of all of this is more hurtful to me than any actual sex acts...not say that I excuse that AT ALL.
How long has it been and have/do you talk about it?
To me sex is vital; it is a vital part of a relationship along with honesty and communication. I thought I was open enough he wouldn't have to go anywhere else so now all I do is question everything about myself.
Hi, I am new to this forum and was referred by someone in another forum.
I wanted to answer this question.
Quote:
Can a marriage be saved? Is there hope for a man addicted to porn? We've had problems with it before and I thought it was over.
Yes, there are many couples that are dealing with this problem but have found that their relationship actually improved in the recovery process. However, there is a caveat that I must address. Addicts that truly want to learn to get rid of destructive behaviors are the ones that improve their situation.
The first question is: Does he really want to change? You cannot force someone into changing their behaviors. Just because he has relapsed does not mean he does not love you. Sexual addiction issues are the toughest addictions to manage because it strikes at the core of who we are. Sexuality is essential for survival, hence the reason this is the toughest addiction for recovery.
Addicts have trained their brain to utilize porn, sex, gambling, etc. for survival. They have to learn to, essentially, reprogram their brain to realize it does not the addiction for survival. You can learn more about how it affects the brain by watching our video on YouTube: http://youtube.com/innergold1000
Sexual addiction issues are destroying families and individuals at a faster pace than any other addiction so it is important to learn how it affects the brain and then one can start to learn methods to manage it.
I feel the same way you feel. I have gone around and around with this with my husband. Everytime I catch him watching porn on the internet, he gets defensive. His respond is, "I'm at home with you and I am not physically touching those woman. I told him If your heart, soul, and mind is on the porn and chatting with other women, then you could not possible have your wife on your mind. Recently he purchase his own private labtop. He has a login on it that provents me from getting on his labtop. Now he is able to hide what porn sites he's been on, who he's been chatting with, and the websites he brouse looking for worman to chat with. I am fed up with his behavior and I am about to give up and leave!!
Thank you so much for your comments. I'll check out the link.
Angel I feel for you sister and I'm so sorry that we're both going through this pain.
If he isn't willing to work with you and you can; leave before your stuck like me. Cheating is cheating, that's time and feelings that should be spent on you.
Today I found 2 christian sites that I searched that gave me good info: familydynamics.net and lds.org (I really liked the things this one said about how a wife should be treated.)
I told him if he wants to leave to leave as I'm so tired of it all and hope our kids survive.
He says he wants to change. We have an appointment with a counselor on Friday. He's been calling me and telling me to be honest about my feelings blah blah blah.
I don't believe anything he says, I don't want him to read the 50 pages of journaling I've done; mostly that I don't believe him and hate him.
I don't want him saying he's relieved to be caught or that he loves me anymore.
Problems for me: For about 3 years something has been nagging at me but I couldn't put my finger on it, thought it was me. 2-3 years is how long he's been LIVING with it hours and hours a night while he's away from home with no accountability
3-5 days/nights a week.
During this time he made personal contacts on chat, moved to phone calls and email and sent his address to one (that I know of); but said he never went through with a meet because it became to real; I don't believe this.
He also conspired with a guy from a sex chat to see if I'd respond to him and chat with all of them. How sad is that?
Of course I didn't respond and only know about it from the email in his box.
The other is the letter he wrote to my so called friend saying for 20 years he's wished for me to fall in love with someone else so he could be free to be with her and the memory of their one night together and 2 sneaky meetings are always on his mind.
He created a facebook page to see hers and lied to me about it.
Called and emailed, he says it wasn't real and he was just feeling guilty for the way he acted and was running things through his guilty mind because he didn't how to stop or get past it.
But this personalized it all and I don't see how we can get past ALL of it.
I don't know if I want to anymore. Sorry my posts are always too long. Still can't quite get my mind to slow.
Please never apologize for long posts. This is healthy to get your feelings out and in the open. You cannot harbor them or it will destroy you. You are a strong individual for dealing with this for so long.
I hope you realize you are not the cause. He is making his own decisions. The real question is, does he want to change?
Is there hope for a porn addict? 
