Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
I am not sure where to put this, so I am going to put it here...
My husband is extremely addicted to porn, he has been since long before I have known him (I have known him 6.5 years now). I knew about it and he knows how I feel about it, but it never affected our sex life until about 3 years ago, after we had our child. I am young and he is 10 years older than I am, so he has had more of a "life" than I have.
He was addicted to sex long before I came along and then when I met him he stopped that (or so I thought). Our sex life has never been the strongest, he claims he has had his "fill" of sex and just doesn't want it anymore.
The other day me and my daughter came back from my mom's house and I walked in the door (she was in the garage behind me) and caught him "getting off" to porn on the computer. Our daugther was right outside and could have caught him, but she wasn't, Thank God. I was mad and he knew it, I almost walked out the door and left but I waited. I confronted him about it. I said "so you would rather have sex with a computer than with your own wife" and he didn't say anything. I know that was cold, but it is/was how I feel, I was mad and our sex life sucks. I took him to work the next day and I left him, I went to my mom's for the week. He did not know I left until he got home. I was done, I wanted a divorce but we talked about everything and I came back, but nothing has changed.
He has told me that he is not looking at porn, but I really truly believe he is lying to me, because he will not look me in the eye. I don't know what to do. I have checked the computer and the history is erased, which he never does, so that says something right there or it does to me.
He has always been addicted to video games and instead of coming to bed with me he stays up all night to play his games. He comes to bed when he knows I will be getting up soon with our daughter.
I am at my wit's end. I want out. I am done, I can't do this anymore. Help, what do I do? I have talked and talked until I am blue in the face and it has done no good.
I just do not know what to do, but get out. Help! Thank you for any advice...
I would be very upset too if I came home and caught my husband doing that - especially when there is a chance of one of my children seeing him. There is a time and a place for those kinds of things and it doesn't sound like that was neither.
Even though he's 10 years older than you it doesn't sound like he has has his fill of sex or else he wouldn't be "getting off" to porn. That sounds a little strange because I thought a mans sex drive went on forever!
Other than not having a sex life, how does he treat you? Your daughter? Does he work and contribute to the home?
I am not an expert but I would guess that if he's clearing the history on your computer - there's a reason for it.
It pains me to see you suffering with this. Does he want help or is he in the blaming stage? If he wants help, here is a site that we created to help individuals struggling with sexual addiction issues (all free): Spouse Help | Pornography & Sexual Addiction Help
MissBhaven,
First, thank you for your reply.
Second, he does not treat me well at all. He is very controlling. He puts me down quite a bit and he makes fun of me for some of my little "quirks." He claims he's just being funny, but not really, he hurts my feelings and I have told him this and he does it anyway. He is stubborn, he does not and will not take no for an answer.
My/Our daughter he is a little rough with, I sometimes think he spanks a little hard, but I was abused as a child and I don't spank, so maybe it is not hard. She doesn't have a bruised bottom afterward, but a little red. Other than that he is good with her, he is a good dad.
He does have a job, so right now he is making all the money. He is a server, so you know there is no money in that. As far as helping with the house, he does help if I ask him a few hundred times.
As for the history on the computer, I believe he is doing it to hide something. I have a laptop that I use for school, so it is mine and I know everywhere he goes and he knows if he uses my laptop for porn I am gone, so he has not done that. InnerGold,
Thank you for your reply.
He does not claim to have a problem, he says he can stop anytime, but he has been doing this (apparently) since he was younger, like before teens younger. I don't see him stopping ever, it's pointless, in my opinion.
We have heard that over and over, " I can stop anytime." This is an addicts mentality because they refuse to accept the truth that they do have a problem.
I am a recovering sex addict. My sexual addiction was not as bad as alot, but i still had it. It made me not see what was going on, as i was more concerned with me rather than my wife. I have always enjoyed sex, and of course i masturbated. But what happened in my relationship was this. As soon as the sex in the relationship slowed down, i went to porn and masterbation. When, the sex slowed down more, I went to more porn and masterbation. I ended up not seeing what it did to my wife and our relationship. Last year, my wife gave us one more year, and now there is 3 months left. I made changes to my personality, I did not try to pressure her for sex. It has actually been almost a year since we have had sex. But I still masturbated and watched porn. Not nearly as often, but I still did. Recently my wife and I went to a sex addiction therapist. Wow, was that an eye opener. It made me realize what I had done, and what I had used porn and masturbation for. We have 3 wonderful girls, and I am now doing everything I possibly can to win her back. She is hurt from years of me not paying attention to her feelings and wants, and because of how i was, has fallen out of love with me... and herself. It is amazing that this is all because of porn and masturbation. I never hit my wife and kids. I have never cheated. But my addiction tore apart my relatoinship with my wife. I just hope and pray every day that we can make this work.... but she is at her wits end. I wish to god she would have made me see the therapist alot sooner. Just made the appt and made me go. I was blind because of the addiction, but now I can see. So my suggesition... get him to see a sex addiction therapist. And the only way that will work is that he will have to want it too work out. It may be a battle to get him there, but once he is there, it will be up to him to finish it.
As for the video games, I think I used them to escape what has happening in my relationship, as since seeing the therapist, there is a lot less ambition to play. I would rather spend time with the wife and family....now I just have to hope she will want to spend time with me again......
hope that helps somehow
Alexsky: Counseling is not an option, he will not go. Even though I have told him if I catch it again, I will make him go to counseling, he won't hear of it. I can not trust him, I check the computer and the history is erased and he use to never do that, so it is like he is lying to me. I try to initate the sex and he just blows me off. Does no good. I want sex, but not if he would rather have the porn and masterbate, I do believe I resent him for this, I don't want to, but I do. It has also got me questioning my love for him. I see the only option of leaving, but I'm scared, not of him, just scared of the major change.
Thank you so much for your reply and your help. I am glad you realized you had a "problem" and are working on it, that makes me smile that there is hope, but I don't think there is with him.
He claims he is playing the video games to "destract" himself from the porn, but he is still leaving me "alone" and left out. If it's not the porn and the video games, I hate my marriage right now. Why would the history be erased on the computer if he isn't doing anything? That is my question. Again, thank you!
onelonelymom
Erasing the history does mean that there was something that he didnt want people to see. I used to do that. I also did that for another reason. Sometimes, I felt wrong afterwards, and deleting it helped me by making it disapear. You could also check to see what the settings are. You can set it up so that your history gets deleted after each day, and it might be set up that way.
I was different than your husband. I wanted to have sex with my wife. She just didnt want to have sex with me. I wanted to have sex with her all the time. And that was my problem. I associated love and sex, and for me to show one, i needed to do the other. I always told her i love her, I thought i listened to her, but i didnt hear what I was supposed to hear. But with my wife, it was different. For me to show my love, I should have just showed love, as she asked on numerous times. A hug here, a cuddle there... with no sexual intentions. My wife had been saying for years that I had a problem and that I was selfish... and the only reason she has stayed for so long is for the children. I wish so hard that I had listened. I wish so hard that I paid more attention to what was going on in my world. I would like to say leave him, he doesnt deserve you.... but seeing as I am from the other side.... If he is anything like me, he will regret how he has treated you, and feel ashamed. He will realize what he had, and what he might lose if he does not change.
But upon further reading.... you mentioned that he does not treat you well. Has he always been that way, or just the last 3 years? In my opinion, porn desensitizes, and it could be why he does not pay attention to what you ask, in regards how to be treated.
the only way to help your relationship is for him to see a sex addiction therapist. He needs to see what he has done. If he is a good man, he will be very sorry like I was, and will pray everyday for your forgiveness, like I do with my wife.
Alexsky:
I don't think he has it set up in any way, sometimes the history will be up for like a week at a time, but that is like once in a blue moon. I will see what I can figure out.
I don't think he cares if I stay or go, he sure doesn't give me any reason to think otherwise.
I guess he has always been that way (I was blinded), my family and friends tried telling me how he was and I was too blinded to see. I opened my eyes a few months ago and now I realize everything they were telling me. He is very controlling and stubborn, will not take no for an answer.
He has always been addicted to porn, his whole life. I did not know about anything up until a few months to a year after we were married. I thought it went away, but it hasn't (ever). I can't trust him anymore, I hate that.
I can't get him to go to counseling, he doesn't believe in it. He won't hear of it. He doesn't agree with counseling.
Thank you so much!
Your post makes me so sad for you and your daughter. I am curious what is going on now. Even if the porn were not an issue, the way he behaves toward you is shaping how your daughter believes men should treat women.
shaping how your daughter believes men should treat women
Very well said, MountainWoman, and this is what perpetuates the problem. She will naturally gravitate towards someone just like her father so it is important to make sure to explain that this is not what all men are like. Do not belittle or put down her father. This will backfire and make him more appealing but it does not hurt to point out the facts and explain that he is struggling with stuff.
RUN RUN as fast as you can. I do not believe in divorce and never have...however I never knew their was such thing as a porno addict and I married one. I don't even know myself anymore, my husbands selfish needs have destroyed my self esteem and everything I thought I knew about myself and now I am at the point in my life where I don't even know who I am. I have always been told my whole life that I was beautiful. I am very thin, tall, long long hair, pretty face. I have had at least two men fighting over me my whole life and I end up with the one man who doesn't think I am all that great. When I first met him I was very confident with how I looked, enough to not even care that he owned a few pornos...until I found out how much they meant to him. I am a little freak, would have never even cared and I have even watched them with him a couple times but now I cry when there are even boobs in a rated R movie. There is nothing he could think of sexually that I wouldn't do to him and he knows it. When we first moved in with each other I was on my way to work and jumped him and had what I thought was amazing sex and then left. Got to the car and forgot my keys, came back in and he was jacking off to a porno in our room with the door locked and my oldest son in the other room RIGHT after being with me and he can NEVER go two times in a row with me...EVER. I made him get rid of all the movies...then the internet thing started so I tuned it off and just did without my computer for a year. It got worse and worse. It got to the point where I begged him to stop, questioned MY sanity, threatened to take the kids and leave him. He never did stop but told me he did every time until he was caught again, and there was a year that I turned off the internet and THOUGHT he stopped and that is the only year in our wole marriage that I thought everything was going to be ok, I just thought the sex slowed down...then I found the magazines. OH the magazines...they were in his friggin' work truck full of women with HUGE abnormally large breasts with pages stuck together...Did I leave him...NO, I went out and got big old fake jugs put in because that was my husbands fantasy. I thought hey, it's not me it's just my small tits.. Problem solved right? Wrong, we lived in Las Vegas so you can guess what happened next. I put a tracking device in his truck and found out about the titty bars he was at while at "work". We ended up moving out of state because everytime he would leave for work I just got more depressed. Now here I am, in my 20's, with big fake boobs, I look better then ANY of the girls in his magazines and he is still sneaking and playing with himself to the internet. I am depressed to the point that I don't even wake up some days, the sex is horrible to me now...I feel like I am in a nighmare that you think your naked in public everytime I have to even get dressed in front of him. It is over. This has ruined our life and the only reason I stay is for the kids. His addiction has caused me to fall out of love with him and that is something I can never fix. I can't even look at him, he does nothing but lie to me about any and everything and when I want to have sex with him which is usually once a week he acts like I am MAKING him and calls me a horney little ****. Good Luck, hope it all works out but from what I can see is it will never stop, if your not ok with it then they will just do it behind your back and the lying hurts more then everything else.
I can relate to so much of this! I do believe my DH has an addiction when I first met him he had a nice stash of playboys magazines and that bothered me so he got rid of them. Then it just never seemed to be enough for him then before you knew it i was taking pictures for him and he then talked me into posting them but swore he wasn't going to show my face - now i know that's a lie and then planned a nice trip to st martin and made the whole trip about going on a nude beach which i didn't want to do - but did it to make him happy! so over the years with the belittling and the nit picking and comments about i don't dress provocative enough and what panties am i wearing and if he didn't like them there was a huge fight - so i just turned myself off and survived for so long because that's all i knew and my kids. so i let him know finally how truly bad it is and a therapist tells him how bad his behavior is and that he basically traumatized me over the years and I'm still there and he has changed on some things we have not slept together since january but what does he do....videotapes me in the bathroom and closet without my knowledge and when i found it you can even hear our children in the background while he is setting up his recording device! how sick is that?? but I'm still there and i know I'm done i just don't know how to get out and just yesterday after he agreed how wrong it was to videotape me back in march and april - swore to me they were deleted - i checked its not deleted and i found a new video from just two weeks ago!!! how can i ever trust this man again? and why should I - I deserve better than this! there comes a point when being a good father and provider just doest cut it - this is wrong behavior and he shouldn't get away with it.
Again, now that ii realize this is my wife, it is funny how she doesnt mentioned her lying about her virginity up until right before our marriage or the 22 year old she was sending topless pictures of herself too, i guess that was my fault when I was at our therapist youu couldnt help but bare your breasts, name and face to some kid your nephews age online, theres more but whats the point? you never were attracted to me, you married me because i was safe, Dave's single go back to him, hes got a great bod, he sexy like George K.
All I wanted was a little affection, a little affirmation from my wife that she was attracted to me, I never even think about any other women, just totally hopelessly in love with my wife, unfortunate the feeling wasnt mutual
porn, sex, video game addiction... 
