Lookingforblueskies

He was a virgin when we met, and before we started dating he would watch porn regularly, several times a week, to meet his sexual needs.

While we were dating, I told him that I didn't really approve of porn and it made me uncomfortable. He told me he was going to stop, just like that, as if it meant nothing to him anyway. I know he's watched porn a couple of times since then, but he made it seem like it was once in a blue moon, like maybe once every 6 months or so.

But he didn't really stop. We are married now and have been together for two years total. I was sick a few days ago and went to bed early. I got up to get a glass of water and I walked out of our bedroom and glanced into our computer room where he was, I saw a naked girl on the screen before he abruptly closed the window. I asked him "what was that?" and he was like " what was what?" hoping that I hadn't seen it. But I told him that I did just see him watching porn.

After awhile he apologized and I told him that I didn't really believe that he had quit at all. He then confessed that he had tried to quit a few times, but he always found himself going back to it. The longest he was ever able to stay away was a couple of months, and he watches it a couple of times a week.

I don't really know what to think. Some people say it's normal for guys to watch porn. And I am almost to the point where I'm just thinking I have to accept it.

Does his behavior really sound like an addiction? Or is it normal?

chuckles

He's addicted and you don't have to put up with it! Give him the threat. Let him know it's you or porn. One is gone! Don't let him run you down like that - you deserve better.

Crypsys

It's impossible to say without additional information. Does he still want and have sex with you? Has your sex life been diminishing where he says he's tired, doesn't want it, etc?

I don't know how often yall have sex, but if it's very infrequent (less than 1X per week), I would totally understand if he turned to porn to satisfy himself.

For my own opinion I would say as long as he isn't ignoring you and wouldn't rather watch porn then have sex I'd say he wasn't addicted.

That being said, for him if you have told him you have a problem with porn then he should respect your wishes. But for you, if he is not getting enough "attention" in the bedroom it will be hard if not impossible for him to not watch it.

Blanca

He may have a problem but the issue is that you told him before hand that you didnt like it and he said he would stop. so you were married on false pretenses. that's the problem. it may be normal behavior for men, but the issue is that you are not ok with it. whether its normal or not is not really the issue. Believe it or not some guys do not look at porn. You'll have to decide if you can really be ok with him watching porn or if he needs to stop.

My H was addicted to porn. I told him he'd have to stop, not because i have anything against men watching porn, but because it was destroying our relationship. my H hasnt watched it in a couple years. it took him awhile to quit, though. i would find it on the computer every so often. but he put a free site blocker (K9 web protection) on his computer and ipod so he cant access it, and so unwanted images are blocked from flashing up at him. you'd be amazed how many half naked women are prostrated freely on random pages. that can be really difficult for someone trying to quit.

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Lookingforblueskies

We usually have sex once, sometimes twice per week. But recently I have noticed that he does not initiate sex with me, and I have been very stressed out lately with other things going on in life, that I didn't really mind it. I'm exhausted by the time I get home from work anyway.

But I have wondered if his recent withdrawal, I guess you could call it, from making advances on me could be related to the fact that he is finding satisfaction elsewhere.

If one of us initiates sex, it is usually me. And sometimes he is up for it, sometimes he's not. I wouldn't know how to relate that to when he has/hasn't been watching porn, because I don't know when he does it.

Crypsys

Well him not initiating could be a few things but 2 come to mind first: low testosterone or possible porn addiction. If he is watching porn regularly I'd doubt porn addiction because he still is looking for that release.

What I recommend is to sit down together and talk about it when your not in bed together. For him, it's probably going to be a very embarrassing conversation so expect him to be defensive. I would not go to this in any kind of accusatory tone, but in a understanding and supportive tone. Open it up in a way that you aren't saying he's bad/evil/wrong but in a way trying to find out what he feels is missing in your sex life that he'd rather turn to porn.

Maybe he has some kind of fetish he hasn't told you about, maybe he wants more positions, try different things, etc.

The worst thing you could do IMO is to start it out saying "You watching porn is hurting my feelings and you need to stop immediately". All that will do is make him go deeper underground with it.

Try and find out what porn is giving him that he feels he's not getting from you. If what he says is something you are willing to do with/for him then you start working on the compromise. If you do that with/for him he will stop watching porn, etc.

This would also be a good time for YOU to bring up things you may have lacking in a loving way. Maybe he doesn't touch you enough non-sexually, maybe he doesn't give you foreplay, etc.

With a non-addicted male who is satisfied with his sex life, I agree we won't usually find a need for porn. Many guys who still look at porn (who aren't addicted) are missing something in their sex life that porn is giving them.

Amplexor

OK, I'll dust of an old rant here.

I will get up on my soap box again and point out that we have seen many come here hurt because of a spouse’s use of porn. I used porn briefly as a “release” a number of years ago and it definitely hurt my marriage. There where other issues also but the porn had an impact. For those of you out there who are engaged in using pornography, think about the impact it could have on your spouse’s feelings. If they have self confidence issues about their looks, weight or sexual abilities, finding out will exacerbate them. It could leave them feeling unloved and undesired. Especially if the porn has replaced much of the couples’ sexual intimacy. Your spouse may also wonder what you are bringing to the bed with you when you are making love. Who or what you may have seen on line that you are thinking about when you make love to them. Put yourself in their place and how you’d feel if they did the same to you. I don’t know if I can classify the use of porn as “cheating” but it can definitely hurt your spouse and that is wrong in any form. If both spouses are OK with it or share it together, that’s fine. Consenting adults and all and I have no problem with that from a marriage standpoint. But I do have a problem with it from a moral and social standpoint. I am not a prude or holy-roller by any stretch but I do believe that making love is supposed to be between two loving people in a committed relationship. Not something to be filmed for the almighty dollar and the entertainment of others. Porn hurts lots of people. The young man or woman at a college party that gets drunk and does something stupid while some perv videos it and sells it on-line for a hundred bucks. It will no doubt be an act they will regret for the rest of their lives. The porn industry uses people then tosses them aside like a used condom when they have served their purposes. There are very few Jenna Jamison stories of wealth and celebrity status. Not to mention the many who leave the “business” diseased, addicted and broken. It pollutes the minds of our young people and desensitizes them to what making love is all about. It sets unobtainable expectations for them in choosing a mate and partner. It exposes them to acts of violence, incest and rape and presents it as “normal” with selections like menu items at a diner. Point and click for your selected debauchery. It is a pollutant in our moral fiber and it is available 24X7 on virtually every device connected to the Internet. Some on this forum disagree with me that it isn’t just a trivial “release” for someone to engage in. That’s fine, we are all entitled to our opinions, but we have seen many on this forum who have suffered from it. Lost their marriage, their love, their money, their trust, their self esteem, their job… OK, I’m done.

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cherrypie18

Is this really true? I asked my h many times why he turns me down all he did was get mad at me saying I'm addicted to sex (you'd be "addicted" to sex too if you weren't getting any!) and that it's not the most important thing in a marriage (this while he looked at porn secretly and denied having done so even though it was in the history).
I asked if there's anything new he'd like to try he said no. I asked him to tell me if I'm not doing something his way and I would improve, he said there's nothing. He just couldn't bother and would rather wank off to porn and deny it. The only time he'd have sex with me was to conceive.

So could he secretly be addicted to porn?

Crypsys

I can only speak for myself cherrypie. But I would say I am fairly satisfied sexually in my marriage. There were times we went a bit too long, for various reasons. But we have always worked it out and got over the humps. If I had my way, I think probably daily would be great, but as it stands now we go about every 2-3 days.

With that I am sated and I have no real drive to watch porn at all. I can honestly say in the past 5 years I've probably only seen it less then I can count on one hand. I know I have a beautiful and willing wife at home, so why would porn do anything for me when I can have the real thing? My wife and I continuously try different things so sex is never boring. Sure i'd like her to initiate more, but no one and nothing is perfect. I do know though that unless she's hurting she never really turns me down. We are that way though because we work to make sure each of us is satisfied in the ways they need to be. For her it's me giving her a lot of physical touch (non-sexual) and giving her a lot of foreplay. I make sure she is satisfied every time we do have sex by whatever means I have to go to provide her that satisfaction. The biggest thing is neither of us is shy about letting the other know what we are wanting (sexually and not).

In my opinion people generally watch porn because they are missing some aspect of sex that they want and they are using porn to fill that gap.

Amplexor

I would agree that it is used sometimes to fill needs they feel are not being met. However it can be double edged sword if its use hurts the partner and exacerbates the problem. i.e. Lack of desire in bed. Catch 22

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Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

Crypsys

Most things can be that way. I enjoy a cold beer now and then, but the last time I actually drank enough to get drunk is well over 10 years ago. Some people though just can't have one, they don't know when to stop.

Porn isn't the cause/problem, it's just a vector if that makes sense?

Amplexor

No this particular analogy doesn't apply to what I'm trying to say. If party A is put off by the use of porn they may withhold sexually. Party B may use porn as a substitute becuase they aren't getting enough sex. The cycle continues as they are mutually contributing to the problem. I don't know if this senario fits this couple based on the post.

Getting to the OP's original query she is asking the question does she just "have to accept it". No she doesn't, she has a right to set her boundaries as does he.

__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp

Crypsys

If that's the case then I am in 100% agreement. She shouldn't have to accept porn.

cherrypie18

Don't mean to make this thread about me but since you guys are on the topic I'd like to take advantage

Well in my case everything was awesome (at least for me) till I caught him watching porn and after that things started to go downhill. From the beginning of our marriage I was the one to initiate most of the time, buying new lingerie, reading this and that, trying to bring new and more fun into our sex lives and he just went along with it. He didn't work on getting better himself (there's always room for improvement even for the best) but I showed him articles and pictures and interesting stuff that we could try, he would pick up less than 10% of what I suggested and would keep it up once or max twice, then would go back to his same old same old... I guess he got really bored with me and my body.
If there's something really missing then why would he claim he was satisfied with everything even after I ask him to tell me what he wants, he'd answer "you're doing everything right" so what's the problem then?? Why lie?

and for the record even after catching the porn I did not withhold sexually, even after being turned down for months I still initiated it every once in a while in case he was ever up for it. He even turned down gettin oral lol what kind of man does that! First he stopped pleasing me or caring if he did or not, and then he wouldn't let me do it to him... it's a little confusing to me.

Crypsys

A few things come to mind. Have you had him tested for low testosterone? Also, not to sound like a butthead, but have you changed a lot physically? Gained a lot of weight, lost a lot of weight, etc? Some men find a specific type of body type really sexy and others not so much.

Also, I would suggest installing a keylogger. Not to see IF he sees porn, but to see what KIND of porn he's looking at. Is he looking at a specific type of fetish porn (or certain types of ladies)? Maybe that might give you some insight as to what he's looking for.

Cherry, just one thing to keep in mind, if it's not a testosterone problem your husband is totally in the wrong here. If he has no physical reason to not want sex then that means he's not telling you something. If he's not willing to tell it's up to you to dig it out.