alcohol abuse destroying marriage

Sillybil · 05-24-2010, 09:57 PM

After searching online trying to find a solution to my marriage, I found this site and I really hope it can open my eyes or find a solution to get out of this miserable life. Got married for almost 8 months, known him for almost 8 years with two years break with the reason of the breakup was because he cheated on me. While blaming me on everything that happened to him, I was used as a floor mat when he was in and out with the other woman, so he came to me when they fight, not that I know about it coz I wasn’t allowed to ask and I stupidly let him to come and go as he likes because I punished myself for everything that happened to me that we were not together and I thought I should be grateful that at least he still come and see me. After being treated like nothing for over 2 years, he finally make his way in back to my life, mind you I thought everything was so good and we were so happy together. Then we moved in together into the new house and I started helping him out financially and offered to help him in consolidating his debts as he can’t afford to do it and his mother who was doing this finance has complaint so much about it and glad that I can take over. It was good for sometimes then he proposed. Cut long story short, he is a heavy smoker and I am anti smoker, he drinks a lot and get nasty and I only drink occasionally, he is not good with money and I am very organized with my finance. He only wants to go to his friends/family’s get together but made every attempt to avoid to go to mine. We have had so many big arguments and twice he had physically struggled with me which in turns caused me bruises and cuts. He said he didn’t mean it and he is sorry. On many occasion he is very abusive with words. His sister in particular attacked me in front of a party where all his friends and family were there witnessing the whole thing, called me names and chased me out of the party and close to hit me. I since moved out of that neighborhood which is now my husband blamed me for that. Living 40 minutes away has given me a bit of space as before his mom used to come around late at night and open the door without warning, no privacy whatsoever. He would spend his last penny for cigarettes or alcohol but not food for us. Never he come home and buys some food for us unless if he feels guilty of what he did and try to be nice. He often goes out to his friend’s place and drinks with no limit and drive home then would have huge argument and saying abusive stuff to me in middle of the night or early morning like 3am or didn’t even come home or let me know where he was. When I call him, either I will get abused over the phone or he won’t pick up the phone. We went counseling before our wedding but it only last for 3 sessions and he doesn’t want to go anymore. He told me that he knows he has a problem and will go and see professional for help but it was only talk. Everytime we have an argument, he will end up drinking and get nasty, obviously things just get worse and worse, saying all hurtful things and calling names then blame me for ignoring him while he is the one who do that. Then he would pretend as if nothing ever happened and expect me to just let it go without being resolve. He would constantly bring up the past when we argued and believe in his head his own story without listening to the truth. I am so tired of living like this and just ready to walk out. If anyone have any suggestions it would be great.

steve71 · 05-25-2010, 01:00 PM

Sillybil, I had a drink problem some years ago and can testify that it's possible to stop boozing when the drinker wants to badly enough. But from what you say your man's drinking is just one of a range of problems and those problems seem to be reinforced by his family's bizarre behaviour. It sounds like they all live in a bubble of rage and impulsiveness. I'm always reluctant to give 'advice' here but I get the feeling you already know what you need to do. Personally, I simply couldn't endure such chaos. I would move out temporarily and reflect upon wether I was getting back roughly what I put into the relationship and, at the very least, make my return conditional on the immediate cessation of drinking. Yes, immediate. As I said, it can be done. But it may be that your man prefers the comfort zone of alcoholic stupor and his toxic family. Good luck to you!

Blanca · 05-25-2010, 03:09 PM

There's a free peer-support group for family and friends of alcoholics called alanon. I went to some meetings myself in a few different states (brother is an alcoholic) and it is mostly women married to men that drink a lot. Its a very supportive environment and the tools they give you will help you get your life back. Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen

Sillybil · 05-25-2010, 06:55 PM

Tks to both of your comments, much appreciated. Steve you are so spot on with your comments especially about his family behaviour which is a great influence in his life. I actually went to see a counsellor and has been advise the same as what you said, I should move away from him and see if he would work on the marriage or not. It is getting into a "predator and victim" case here as I am always to be blamed and the victim.
I just hope there is a way that I can fix this and be happy with him as I love him unconditionally and want to help him. Apparently, I can't help him, he needs to help himself. Oh to top it up, his father was a drunk, his mom left his father when he was a todler, his brother from different father was in jailed for drug and rape. Non of his friends and family are showing good example of good relationship and you are right they are toxic.
He has history of being a cheater and a lier and think that it is because I made him like that.
I probably should start my way out of this marriage, the more I said it the worse it sounds.

steve71 · 05-26-2010, 07:45 PM

'The predator and victim' trap comes across very clearly in your first post. Blanca's suggestion of trying AA - or some equally reputable outfit - is a good one: you'll get support and a fresh sense of perspective on your situation.

I suspect you're right - even you can't save him from himself. He has to make that big decision all by himself and to want to stop drinking more than he wants anything else. I really hope things work out for you - and him.

gtull1 · 05-30-2010, 02:10 AM

He has to want to change his ways.Nothing you do or say will make him want to do it. It has to come from within him. Please find a support group to help you asap.

Sillybil · 06-02-2010, 07:06 PM

I have been to 2 session of counselling both told me that I should make decision to leave because it doesn't seem like he would want work on the marriage.
Every thursday I feel scared because I know he will leave me alone at home again while he went out drinking and spent the money in casino or going to the bar. he is acting as if he is single and I don't think that is the right thing for a married person to react that way. You are right that nothing that I say or do will make any different to him if he doesn't want to change to make things better. I am sure the support group will help me but isn't he the one who need help the most before he destroy the marriage completely? I can't live like this anymore so I am preparing myself with my travel document to leave the country so maybe it will be easier for me to try to let him go. On the other side I feel so sad and disappointed that he would not do anything about it.