Functioning and Stubborn Alcoholic: Narcissistic?
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Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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Old 07-05-2010, 03:59 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Functioning and Stubborn Alcoholic: Narcissistic?

I believe my husband is a functioning alcoholic and possibly somewhat narcissistic...

We've been married for a year now. I have 4 children from a previous marriage and he has 2 and I am 2 months pregnant with OUR 1st.

When we were dating we had drinks together and it was fine. Soon after we were married we started fighting. I've never been "a fighter". I'm very laid back and can talk about anything, come to a resolution, and move on. The fights would escalate to yelling, crying, and he has threatened to leave and I would sleep on the couch or another room. He gets unreasonable, immature, spiteful and blames and belittles me. he calls me a liar, forgets everything (his memory is horrible in general), talks in circles, and recently has started telling me I don't do ANYTHNG to raise or discipline our children. Little history: he was addicted (altho he claims it was not an additiction) to speed for 3 years and tried every other drug out there. He ratted himself out to his family and friends and quite cold turkey. this was 4-5 years ago and before we ever met. His current divorce decree states he can't drink in front of his kids, but he does. he is very confident and most would call him conceited and arrogant and he almost brags about this. he won't let anyone tell him what to do, "control" him, and doesn't feel the need to discuss anything with me before acting (including "taking the discpline with MY children to the next level"). he always talk about how EXTREMELY succesfull and rich he'll be one day (right now we are struggling to make ends meet). he's a grat dad and great when he's not drinking. he's great at work and eats healthy and exercises. he's also great around the house.

He drinks EVERY night. Starts with 2-3 glasses of straight vodka and then moves on to beer. I have started having to walk on egg shells and avoid or not respond to topics that I think might set him off. he has now moved on to topics about or dealing with the kids or is actually disciplining or sometimes yelling at them and I can't avoid addressing those items. I don't know what to do. I feel like I want me and the kids to just be some where else every night just in case, but that can't happen....
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Old 07-07-2010, 12:40 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Functioning and Stubborn Alcoholic: Narcissistic?

They say addiction is so when it negatively impacts your life and that of those close to you - it sounds pretty true in this case. Straight vodka.. ewww! Especially because he is mixing up beer and spirits - that is a surefire way to get drunk every time. The "walking on eggshells" thing sure can drain you, hey And he had a previous addiction to speed too - do you think he has psychological issues that he is trying to hide from by using these substances? Addiction rarely happens in a vacuum.. a lot of the time there is something behind it. Maybe it is a coping mechanism he uses. Do you think he would be open to looking into this?

However, when you are in the thick of things, you have to look after yourself first and foremost. He will not believe anything anyone says until he has admitted (in his heart) to himself that he has a problem. Until then, he will continue to blame everyone else for his problems (arising from the drinking) and treat people like crap because he is in denial. People can be in denial for months, or years, or more, it depends on the person. But my point is you cannot make him see issues - he needs to see it himself. He doesn't sound ready to face this yet.

But for now, I would say you should go and hook up with the closest Alanon group in your area. Great bunch of people - very knowledgeable, and great support. And they've been there. Support for you is the most important thing right now - you cannot help your husband until he wants to help himself. Sometimes people have to lose everything in order to pull out of that denial. Sometimes not - but you really need to get into Alanon for that support, as well as support from your friends and family.
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Old 07-13-2010, 03:39 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Functioning and Stubborn Alcoholic: Narcissistic?

He has recognized the problem and changed once before. So there is hope. I would recommend contacting al anon for the best way to handle this.

Good luck!
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Old 07-15-2010, 03:54 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Functioning and Stubborn Alcoholic: Narcissistic?

Quote:
Originally Posted by TxSizeFam View Post
I believe my husband is a functioning alcoholic and possibly somewhat narcissistic...

When we were dating we had drinks together and it was fine. Soon after we were married we started fighting. I've never been "a fighter". I'm very laid back and can talk about anything, come to a resolution, and move on. The fights would escalate to yelling, crying, and he has threatened to leave and I would sleep on the couch or another room. He gets unreasonable, immature, spiteful and blames and belittles me. he calls me a liar, forgets everything (his memory is horrible in general), talks in circles

You and I are kindred spirits my dear. Hang in there, and I wish you both all the best. Alcohol is a family disease and the one who is suffering from it doesn't see it most of the time. I understand how you want your life back so do I.
My husband has been an obvious bone-a-fide alcoholic for about 2-3 years now. We're young and have no children so I deal. I accept and continue on. Recently the alcohol and a death of our pet has cause his brain to downward spiral. We're fighting more than ever, he is unhappy and wants out of our marriage. I don't. I'm also willing to sacrifice the idea of having children ever so I can be with him forever.

Why do we love the men who do the things we hate?
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Old 07-15-2010, 03:56 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Functioning and Stubborn Alcoholic: Narcissistic?

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Originally Posted by 76Trombones View Post
They say addiction is so when it negatively impacts your life and that of those close to you - it sounds pretty true in this case. Straight vodka.. ewww! Especially because he is mixing up beer and spirits - that is a surefire way to get drunk every time. The "walking on eggshells" thing sure can drain you, hey And he had a previous addiction to speed too - do you think he has psychological issues that he is trying to hide from by using these substances? Addiction rarely happens in a vacuum.. a lot of the time there is something behind it. Maybe it is a coping mechanism he uses. Do you think he would be open to looking into this?

However, when you are in the thick of things, you have to look after yourself first and foremost. He will not believe anything anyone says until he has admitted (in his heart) to himself that he has a problem. Until then, he will continue to blame everyone else for his problems (arising from the drinking) and treat people like crap because he is in denial. People can be in denial for months, or years, or more, it depends on the person. But my point is you cannot make him see issues - he needs to see it himself. He doesn't sound ready to face this yet.

But for now, I would say you should go and hook up with the closest Alanon group in your area. Great bunch of people - very knowledgeable, and great support. And they've been there. Support for you is the most important thing right now - you cannot help your husband until he wants to help himself. Sometimes people have to lose everything in order to pull out of that denial. Sometimes not - but you really need to get into Alanon for that support, as well as support from your friends and family.
Thank you, this was all very helpful to me.
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