Is secretly videotaping your partner acceptable?? ever...

smartcookie25 · 07-12-2010, 08:40 AM

My husband and I have been married for 12 years and lately there were some things that have come up from years of him being controlling and demeaning and just plain verbally and mentally abusive not horrible but still there. In the past 7 months we have not been intimate and for reasons of his behavior in the past just making the whole process a negative experience for me. Well I just recently found on his computer that he has been secretly videotaping me for his personal pleasure I assume when I am in our closet dressing and in the bathroom showering. This has been a very disturbing discovery for me and I don't know what to do next? I know I confronted him before and he told me it was wrong and he shouldn't have done it but somehow he justified it because it was in our house and it was me and not an affair or anything but it continued because i found more since he told me he wouldn't do it anymore. I just don't know what to do next??/

cb45 · 07-13-2010, 10:10 PM

usually i am not here in R & A forum......is this an addiction in yer view?

quickie answer is no. closet/bathroom scenes r def out in most peoples opinions, unless of course u look anything foxy like that
Dr Kate Wachs (photo up above) and have been making yer man wait, hmmm, say 2 mths or more for some "luvins"

.

1/2 kiddin on that one.......

i think many a rel'shp (and their counselor) could use video/audio recordings as a better way to coach themselves outta the lovebusters that they dont fully realize they r doing or how often.

i'd really like to try this at my home, but think we're past this pt in our declining rel'shp.

so maybe u'll consider taping him doing all the sh*t he does and u'll have it for proof if necessary.

smartcookie25 · 07-14-2010, 02:37 PM

This is an addiction cb45 - and I'm just plain tired of it! When I told him enough was enough back in Jan after my mothers passing is when he was cut off and rightfully so! So people may disagree with that....but it was very dysfunctional and it had to stop. So by him doing the recent stuff just shows me that he still has a very strong urge with all of that. Like I said before its been declining also for a very long time - i checked out at least 1 1/2 ago and started to go to a therapist on my own - so I tried numerous time now I'm just plain sick over it all. Its sad actually...because he does have a beautiful wife and two beautiful healthy children.

i have been doing some search and recovery of my own and i cant put into words how it feels to realize that your being taped in your own closet and by your husband no less - talk about dis-respect! ugh.....

swedish · 07-15-2010, 05:04 PM

Hi smartcookie,

I would feel the same way. He is pretty much ensuring that no part of your life is private, isn't he? I would view this as another sign of controlling behavior since he is putting his own pleasure he gets from doing this above respecting you and your privacy.

I am glad you have sought out a therapist to help you sort things out. Has he done the same or have you done any marriage counselling together? He seems stuck in his ways even when he knows they are not healthy behaviors for your marriage & the other side of this is the lack of intimacy within your marriage...work needs to be done on both issues.

faith4truth · 11-15-2010, 07:57 PM

I just read this aloud to my husband who made a joke (I hope he was kidding) about it and I told him flat out i would go to the police that HAS to be illegal screw that!

unbelievable · 11-16-2010, 07:49 AM

It's not legal, it's not respectful, it's not "right", it's creepy, and disgusting, it's the ultimate invasion of your privacy. It's depersonalizing, much like his other demeaning, abusive, controlling behaviors. All of these behaviors indicate that he devalues you as a human being and that you're basically reduced to an object for him to do with as he pleases. It would be unacceptable for him to treat a stranger this way and it's certainly unacceptable for him to treat someone he allegedly loves in this manner. Not sure where you live, but in my state, his little hobby is a felony. I hope this little perv hasn't shared the fruits of his hobby with other pervs, but if he'd secretly video-tape his own wife, I figure he's capable of pretty much any other violation of trust and privacy.

greeneyeddolphin · 11-16-2010, 10:35 AM

I could understand secretly taping if he thought you were having an affair, or secretly taping your abusive husband beating you to show the cops, or something along those lines. Even taping a drug addict to show them how pathetic or scary they are.

But what he's doing to you falls into none of those categories. What he's doing is a total invasion of your privacy. It does nothing to solve the intimacy problems you two already have, and in fact, only serves to make them worse. I also, as mommy22 said, would be concerned that he was sharing them with others, or that in the event of a break up or even just a big fight, he might then post them on the internet out of spite.

He is very, very wrong, and if he can't see that, then you two have got some major hurdles to overcome.

Fordsvt · 03-06-2011, 03:24 PM

That is scary-he should at least ask for consent.
Be careful about the sex angle too.
You don't need that!

woodstock · 03-06-2011, 04:03 PM

Sorry, but that's SICK!!!!!!

Fordsvt · 03-09-2011, 11:57 AM

I agree-it's just not right. He needs consent even if you're married. Confront him and see were it goes.

LilandNadsDad · 05-11-2011, 02:09 AM

I do not condone what he does in any way. But, have you ever considered the possibility he is into voyeurism? You need to approach him directly on this subject. How did you find out you were being recorded? If you can figure out what he does with the recordings without him knowing because I doubt you trust him, it may explain the intent. I am not trying to defend him in any way. But, if he records you and finds it sexually stimulating and that's as far as it goes, you may see it in a different light. But this is a long shot. I would, if I were you, get copies as evidence in case you need them in the future. Good luck on such a disturbing issue.

tacoma · 05-11-2011, 06:57 AM

I don`t think it`s illegal since it`s his house.

I think its disgusting and demeaning and a serious dealbreaker.

I`d check his internet history to find out where he`s uploading these vids.

Catherine602 · 05-11-2011, 07:12 AM

He has no respect for you if he does this. He also sees you as an object for his sexual pleasure and not a person with autonomy or feelings. I think you need to get him out of the house he is invasive and can not be trusted. You also don't know what he is doing with the pic. He may be posting them on the internet. He is not safe to live with.

What he is doing is perverted and unacceptable. When you live with someone you expect them to protect you privacy if they care about you. Your husband cares about him self only.

Get him out and then thnk. Do you want to live the rest of your life hiding out in your own house because a man with a perversion and no respect for you lives with you . Is he worth it. Would you be happier with him gone. What are the ages of your kids and gender are you sure they are safe.
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WhiteRabbit · 05-11-2011, 09:42 AM

I would find it as an invasion of my privacy if my husband did that. but then I would have to admit that even though it's wrong,pervy, creepy,and an invasion...a small part of me would be flattered that he was watching me so intensely. I'd never admit it to him though and I'd want it to stop but still...I'd be secretly pleased he was so fascinated and consumed by me.

karole · 05-12-2011, 12:22 PM

What he did was totally unacceptable behavior, spouse or not; however, I have a question. In the infidelity forum recommendations are made to use VAR and keyloggers to gather evidence of infidelity. Why is the videotape considered a "violation of privacy" and VAR and keyloggers are not? Don't want to get bashed, just curious.