Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk - Page 11 - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

User Tag List

 123Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #151 of 162 (permalink) Old 03-04-2015, 08:41 AM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 3,206
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Haven't been on this thread for a long long time, over a year and so happy to see that Shimmer you have been brave and strong fo the most part and moving on with your life. Turnera, your advice is great. Though I do agree with PBear on the not letting him take you for granted when he had his broken leg. They have a tendancy to do that. You cannot change their behaviour, they have all the tricks in the book to ensure their needs are met and they are fulfilled and until he stops drinking you are just a tool for him. They may say they love you, need you, etc. but they cannot love you because their view of reality and yours are totally different. They have no empathy though put on a good show of it. His behaviour will not change until he chooses of his own accord to quit drinking, that is the simple truth.
I am in the same situation with a husband who is going for individual counselling but keeps slipping up although he congratulates himself that the slip ups are getting further apart ( a month is a major achievement) the last being in mid Feb. In the midst of this he denies he is an alcoholic because he doesnt drink every day (go figure!). I just started Al Anon and have to see how that goes.
My problem is that I have so much resentment now, I just want to leave. My youngest heads to college this year. I have to finish my studies then I want to get a job and go. I have told him all of this and he acts as if I am betraying him. I am so wounded from almost 25 years of emotional neglect, abandonment and abuse that I am finding it really hard to forgive. I am through with the broken promises, the let downs, the hurt. He cannot see any of it and refuses to hear me when I try and explain it to him. I think he too will be in for a rude awakening, but unlike you I will not feel sorry for him. He brought it on himself. I just hope i can sort things out for me to leave.
aine is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #152 of 162 (permalink) Old 03-05-2015, 09:49 AM
jld
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 20,503
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Aine, what do you think about showing him this link?

Reconciliation with a Hardened Wife

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
jld is offline  
post #153 of 162 (permalink) Old 03-05-2015, 10:45 PM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 3,206
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

[Aine, what do you think about showing him this link?]

I am the one who buys all the books, checks the internet, listens to the podcasts and yes I have shared this with him, even printed if off. He threw it in the front dashbox of his car. Days later i asked him if he had read it and he said 'only the first page, you know how I hate to read stuff,' Weeks later i took it from the car and threw it in the bin. I know what the problem is, I know I am no angel and can be spiteful and resentful. I am too fed up to be forgiving. I have done the latter in 2000- 2004, we then moved to another country and things were great for almost 7 years but we dropped the ball five years ago when we moved back to his home place. Things have never been the same and i stopped working at it.
aine is offline  
post #154 of 162 (permalink) Old 03-31-2015, 03:08 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Shimmer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 67
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Hello all -

I just took a few minutes to read this entire thread and review what has and has not happened since we separated over 6 months ago.

1) He still drinks, albeit a loss less than he used to. I've noticed that I now drink more while in his company - more than I'm comfortable with, Not sure if this has any significance or not.

2) We're still in join counseling. I can't help but think he's going just to suit me and go through the motions until I "go home". I've got once voice in my heading yelling and screaming that I should get out while I can, and another that seems resigned to the fact that he is my destiny, and who am I to turn away from someone who loves me so much - and I do believe he does. That love just comes with many, many conditions.

3) I feel an urgency that we have passed the 6 month mark and
it's time for me to make a move. Do people stay separated for 9-12 months or more? Is that okay? I don't know, but I question
myself about this every day.

4) I'm scared. I don't want to give up this hard-fought independence, but is living across town while staying married any kind of accomplishment? I don't even know anymore.

Thanks all, I appreciate it if you've read this far.
Shimmer is offline  
post #155 of 162 (permalink) Old 03-31-2015, 09:19 PM
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 36,198
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Maybe it's time to ask for more.
turnera is online now  
post #156 of 162 (permalink) Old 04-01-2015, 04:48 AM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 3,206
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shimmer View Post
Hello all -

I just took a few minutes to read this entire thread and review what has and has not happened since we separated over 6 months ago.

1) He still drinks, albeit a loss less than he used to. I've noticed that I now drink more while in his company - more than I'm comfortable with, Not sure if this has any significance or not.

2) We're still in join counseling. I can't help but think he's going just to suit me and go through the motions until I "go home". I've got once voice in my heading yelling and screaming that I should get out while I can, and another that seems resigned to the fact that he is my destiny, and who am I to turn away from someone who loves me so much - and I do believe he does. That love just comes with many, many conditions.

3) I feel an urgency that we have passed the 6 month mark and
it's time for me to make a move. Do people stay separated for 9-12 months or more? Is that okay? I don't know, but I question
myself about this every day.

4) I'm scared. I don't want to give up this hard-fought independence, but is living across town while staying married any kind of accomplishment? I don't even know anymore.

Thanks all, I appreciate it if you've read this far.
I feel for you Shimmer but you took a big step in moving out in the first place. Remember it took you a much longer time to get to the bad place and it will also take much more than 6 months to get to a good place, it is still early days yet. Keep at it for a bit longer. If you feel that it's not moving then make the decision knowing that you have done all you can to make it work.
aine is offline  
post #157 of 162 (permalink) Old 04-01-2015, 09:41 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Shimmer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 67
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera View Post
Maybe it's time to ask for more.
In what way, Turnera? Feeling kinda desperate over here.
Shimmer is offline  
post #158 of 162 (permalink) Old 04-01-2015, 10:49 AM
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 36,198
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Well, I would envision going to MC together, and stating, he's doing the bare minimum, but it's turning out not to be enough. Because I want to feel like a priority, after what happened. And bare minimum can't help me feel like a priority. I'm willing to discuss this, in front of you, counselor, to see if there's a next level, with more 'work,' that we can achieve. I just can't tell if I can stay involved without it. I'm ready to listen to what you guys think.

You need to make it a collaborative thing, with his input, or else it won't stick. In other words, you need real communication.
turnera is online now  
post #159 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-14-2015, 10:43 PM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 3,206
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Shimmer, really wondering how you are and how did it turn out. Did you go back to him or did you leave him completely?
aine is offline  
post #160 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-16-2015, 03:23 PM
Member
 
brooklynAnn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 1,369
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shimmer View Post
My gut reaction is to say it wouldn't make a difference. I've dreamed of a new life for so long now that deciding to stay would feel like a defeat to me. Maybe my dreams are pipe dreams, I don't know, but I look forward to doing things and going places with a companion who is worried about more than where the closest bar is.

At the same time, it hurts me to think of the pain this will cause him and I'm dreading the announcement with all of my heart. Like I said, this would be easier if he were a complete jerk, but he's not. He's a good person with a BAd problem, and one I'm tired of dealing with.

I just want to be happy and look forward to the rest of my life, and sadly that comes at the expense of hurting him.
I think this is the problem that most partners who stay with A spouses find themselves asking. How do I leave without hurting him? You have to understand he made himself this way, what about your hurting? All the energy you spend making sure he is taken care of and is ok, when he can't for himself, who takes care of you then?

Stop feeling sorry for him. If he wants to drink himself into an early grave, let him. You have to start thinking of your future. You stay you will become like him, bitter and sick. Sorry, I just got off the phone with my aunt, her husband is a drunk for over 20 years. She will never leave because she worries about him. Meanwhile, her health is going, she can't sleep or go anywhere. She is now in a jail he made.

Please envision your new life with out him. Make up your mind and leave. Stop feeling sorry for him, it's not helping.
brooklynAnn is offline  
post #161 of 162 (permalink) Old 10-08-2015, 11:29 AM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 3
Arrow Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Wait - he's functional, successful. Your problem (it seems) is that he's physically and emotionally distant. Alcohol appears to cause him no problems. Even you said so, yet you're blaming alcohol. Fix the marriage. Somehow communicate with him, whatever you think will get the message thru in your situation, no matter what it takes. Just impress upon him the ONE thing you'd like him to do (NOT quitting alcohol), make sure he understands it's important, that you WILL leave if he can't fix his end, and then check again that he UNDERSTANDS what you're saying. There is NO reason he can't simply be as successful treating you well as he is in other facets of his life. I'd also give odds that if he can do that (be closer, more considerate), his need to use alcohol will at least lessen a bit.

When my wife finally made me understand she wasn't *****ing, she was unhappy, and that she would not be ignored, it came close. But then when she communicated that if I loved her, and most importantly, if I meant what I said in my marriage vows, if I was a man of honor, I owed it to her to consider her feelings and needs. It worked, and the marriage was great.

I would also bet that one of the reasons he drinks is he's bored, and pretty much has the same problem you do, but just doesn't know it. He thinks he stuck in a tepid marriage. If the two of you can work on just one facet of your relationship, you can go from tepid to torrid quite fast.

I ended up worshiping her, and realizing she took very good care of me and was always at my back. I will love her forever.
goodwife4me is offline  
post #162 of 162 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 03:06 AM
Member
 
jimrich's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 256
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shimmer View Post
I've been married for nearly 25 years to a very high functioning alcoholic Our dad was a functional alcoholic but IMPOSSIBLE to live with! Professionals have told me over and over that I should leave. Why haven't I? I needed help with the kids, for one, Yep, our mom would say the same thing but our dad pretty much destroyed us kids! and in spite of it all he IS a good father. LOL, I'd like to ask your kids about that!

Heck, at times I've fooled myself into believing that our marriage is okay... until I see the affection and friendship between other couples and could cry with envy. And that's the scary thing about DENIAL - we fool ourselves into believing things are OK when they obviously ARE NOT! I bet your kids know or knew how bad it was!!

choose happiness
jimrich is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Am I being a doormat? ready to walk away. Smudgecat Considering Divorce or Separation 13 03-10-2013 06:29 PM
32 married for almost 16 years and ready to leave! idkwhat2do General Relationship Discussion 19 10-17-2012 10:43 AM
you are a married femal, when you walk in a mall or streets, do u check men out? Tourchwood General Relationship Discussion 10 05-04-2011 03:11 PM
Ready to walk away... marilee General Relationship Discussion 7 09-07-2010 01:52 PM
Has anyone been married to an alcoholic? pgk453 General Relationship Discussion 8 08-08-2009 04:39 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome