Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

User Tag List

 123Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 162 (permalink) Old 01-20-2014, 11:35 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Shimmer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 67
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

This is SO difficult, y'all.

I can't make a move whatsover until probably March, when things have calmed down around our house and I feel like it's a good time to move forward. A family member is undergoing some important training right now and I refuse to wreck it by dropping this bomb until they are done.

So for now, I'm doing what I can to get along and still acting as if everything is fine. I have no more fight left in me and find myself giving him passive responses to whatever he asks or needs, and of course, he thinks all is well... GREAT, in fact. He's smiling, cheerful, and probably can't believe his good luck that I've finally quit nagging about his drinking, neglected home repairs, etc.

To top it off, I have to grin and bear it through our 25th anniversary coming up - what awful timing! I'm miserable, completely and totally defeated, and I don't think he suspects a thing.

This is entire process is so much harder than I thought it would be. I don't know WHY I thought it wouldn't be, but this is crushing my soul, all of it. :*(
Shimmer is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 162 (permalink) Old 01-20-2014, 08:48 PM
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 35,254
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Try to look at it another way. You have a great new future ahead of you. It's just postponed a bit, all for good reason. So, any time you have to deal with his BS, just realize that you know something he doesn't. And in a few months' time, you'll be the one smiling.
turnera is offline  
post #18 of 162 (permalink) Old 01-21-2014, 07:08 AM
Member
 
movealong's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: on a mission from God.
Posts: 866
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

I am glad you are making plans and getting yourself ready. It will help you when you finally make the move.

I can't help but feel a twinge of pain though when I read your posts. You sound a lot like my wife when she explains how she felt. We're still together, but it is not easy. She has to deal with all of the emotional baggage from my years of drinking, I deal with the guilt and self-loathing because of the destruction I wrought in our marriage, and we both are trying to find a way back to being happy together.

I have 321 days of sobriety, I have worked my program, and I am doing all I know how to do to be a better husband, father, and partner. Some days it feels like it is working and some days I just want it to be over. More than anything I would like to have her forgiveness, but she is not ready for that. She may never be ready for that. But I know that I caused the problems, so I am trying to give her time to heal or decide whether she wants to keep trying or split up.

Like your husband, I was glad when she stopped nagging about my drinking. I didn't read the storm clouds well enough to know it wasn't another spring shower, it was a hurricane bearing down on me.

This post is really why I asked you those three questions in my first post in this thread. Really, what happens if he decides to get sober and stay sober? For me, it hasn't been enough for my wife...yet...but I keep praying and hoping and working my program.
movealong is offline  
post #19 of 162 (permalink) Old 01-21-2014, 09:21 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Shimmer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 67
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Quote:
Originally Posted by movealong View Post
This post is really why I asked you those three questions in my first post in this thread. Really, what happens if he decides to get sober and stay sober? For me, it hasn't been enough for my wife...yet...but I keep praying and hoping and working my program.
My gut reaction is to say it wouldn't make a difference. I've dreamed of a new life for so long now that deciding to stay would feel like a defeat to me. Maybe my dreams are pipe dreams, I don't know, but I look forward to doing things and going places with a companion who is worried about more than where the closest bar is.

At the same time, it hurts me to think of the pain this will cause him and I'm dreading the announcement with all of my heart. Like I said, this would be easier if he were a complete jerk, but he's not. He's a good person with a BAd problem, and one I'm tired of dealing with.

I just want to be happy and look forward to the rest of my life, and sadly that comes at the expense of hurting him.
Shimmer is offline  
post #20 of 162 (permalink) Old 01-21-2014, 09:34 AM
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 35,254
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

It could also be seen as helping him, as he won't get help while you're still there. Leaving gives him a reason to change.
turnera is offline  
post #21 of 162 (permalink) Old 02-02-2014, 07:05 AM
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: new york
Posts: 26
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

I truly believe that after the kids have "grown up", people question their marital status more than ever. And, I think everyone at some point has probably convinced themselves that everything is "okay" in their marriage. It"s a way to protect ourselves from making some type of "change".

Counseling will surely help.....AlAnon could help......but only you will know when you're "sick and tired" of being "sick and tired" of his behavior. Remember, he will change only and only if he wants to change.

Good Luck
silkpalace is offline  
post #22 of 162 (permalink) Old 02-02-2014, 07:59 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: NYC
Posts: 135
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shimmer View Post
He takes my silence as meaning that things are fine and I feel terrible knowing he'll be blindsided when I tell him I want a divorce.
do NOT blindside him and do NOT stay silent. that was done to me, though in my case it's my wife with the drinking problem (and the BPD). the devastation this has created cannot be expressed in words. just reading that was a furious trigger.

please consider movealong's questions in post #2.
"joe" is offline  
post #23 of 162 (permalink) Old 02-08-2014, 09:39 AM
Member
 
Heartbroken84's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 233
Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

This is a really good poem that says it all... Hardest thing to do but it's the only way.


IF YOU LOVE ME, LET ME FALL

IF you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall, (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me)

Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit....trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me.....The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours....the sooner I will arrive....and on time....just right where I need to be...me, alone all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead...resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one.

It I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile, I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out....I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound.

Don't you see?? Don't you know?? You can't do this for me...I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever supposed to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours.

I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart and from knowledge of what is best for me....but if you truly love me, let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good.

Don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly....nudge me out of your safety net....trust the process and pray for me.....that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.

--
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Heartbroken84 is offline  
post #24 of 162 (permalink) Old 02-15-2014, 12:20 AM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 2,765
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Hi everyone, I just joined. Shimmer your 'story' is similar to mine. I had a light bulb moment a few days ago and realized my husband is an alcoholic even though he earns well, never misses a day at work, he is lovely when he is sober. But i have lived for 22 years on a roller coaster, always worrying when the peace would be shattered and I would be on the down again. I know I have to look out for myself and have begun to think its better to walk away. I have 2 teenage kids who have to be educated, both want to go to college. He is the main earner, I only work part time as I am also studying to get more qualifications. He says if I ever leave him he wont care about the finances for the kids and will become a full blown alcoholic as he wont care anymore. That is why I am hanging on for now. We are not speaking right now after his last binge this week> I am reading more about al anon and how to approach this but to be honest I am so so tired of it all, I am numb. Thanks for listening.
aine is offline  
post #25 of 162 (permalink) Old 02-15-2014, 08:54 AM
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 35,254
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

aine, you need to start attending Alanon.
turnera is offline  
post #26 of 162 (permalink) Old 02-17-2014, 03:58 AM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 2,765
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Hi Turnera,
I just got the number and contact name in my area, now the next step is to call...
aine is offline  
post #27 of 162 (permalink) Old 03-04-2014, 09:07 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Shimmer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 67
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

UPDATE:

I'm still here, but change is brewing. I had several important events to get through at the first of the year, and they are all nearly done. If I've got the guts, the time is coming.

Over the weekend I made the mistake of alluding to the fact that if some things don't change I'm not afraid to leave. This resulted in him throwing a major tantrum, telling me of everything I'M going to ruin if I dare take that step, and then pulling a major public drunk which he seems to find amusing. He knows there's nothing that horrifies me worse than public embarrassment and I'm quite certain that's why he did it.

I had been wavering before, trying to convince myself to stick around a little longer and see what happened. It seemed to be the path of least resistance. Today I woke up clear and focused, as if my subconscious was forcing me to get back on track and showing me the way I need to go - and I find that I'm listening very intently.
Shimmer is offline  
post #28 of 162 (permalink) Old 03-04-2014, 09:34 AM
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 35,254
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

fwiw, I believe in telling him ahead of time that you will be leaving if nothing changes. It's the right thing to do, unless he gets violent.
turnera is offline  
post #29 of 162 (permalink) Old 03-04-2014, 09:36 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Shimmer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 67
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

There's something else he does which has always puzzled me, and this has stepped up lately as well.

Ever since we've been a couple he's been kind've infamous among our friends for going off and leaving me when we're in public, at a club or party or whatever, to where I end up spending lots of time looking for him. I've never been quite sure what this habit means to him, and have assumed that it's his way of making me pursue him, or perhaps to show me (or others) that I need him more than he needs me.

This behavior was in evidence very strongly over the weekend as we attended a local event where we (okay, I) volunteer every year. Him disappearing in the crowd, me looking for him. What's UP with this? What's he getting out of it?

For the record, people ask me on a regular basis WHY I'm married to him. He's an obvious alcoholic thus his looks and personality have taken pretty hard hits over the years, yet I end up looking like his reject when he pulls this crap. You'll have to take my word for it when I tell you I'm not an unattractive woman, so what gives?
Shimmer is offline  
post #30 of 162 (permalink) Old 03-04-2014, 09:41 AM
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 35,254
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Why do you look for him?
turnera is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Am I being a doormat? ready to walk away. Smudgecat Considering Divorce or Separation 13 03-10-2013 06:29 PM
32 married for almost 16 years and ready to leave! idkwhat2do General Relationship Discussion 19 10-17-2012 10:43 AM
you are a married femal, when you walk in a mall or streets, do u check men out? Tourchwood General Relationship Discussion 10 05-04-2011 03:11 PM
Ready to walk away... marilee General Relationship Discussion 7 09-07-2010 01:52 PM
Has anyone been married to an alcoholic? pgk453 General Relationship Discussion 8 08-08-2009 04:39 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome