Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #46 of 162 (permalink) Old 06-27-2014, 03:16 PM
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

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There have been some very insightful, truthful, and sad comments in this thread. When you disengage emotionally and they do not notice, you have your answer.

I cannot even read romance novels anymore, and I have become a cynic about love and marriage. He is either sleeping, on the computer, or watching tv and CANNOT BE INTERRUPTED. I live in the house with another human being I hardly ever see and I have never felt more lonely.

Like the songs say, I WOULD RATHER BE ALONE THAN WITH SOMEONE AND BE LONELY.
Does that mean you're leaving him?
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post #47 of 162 (permalink) Old 06-27-2014, 03:48 PM
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

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Does that mean you're leaving him?
In my mind, I am already gone. Due to finances, I have nowhere to go. However I believe with all my heart that I won't have to leave him. The rate he is going with the liquor and his horrible health, he may not be here much longer.

Morbid, I know. But true. Reality isn't pretty.

As I was going up the stair . . . I saw a man who wasn't there . . . he wasn't there again today . . . I wish he would go away
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post #48 of 162 (permalink) Old 07-28-2014, 05:48 PM
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

I am married to a high functioning alcoholic too. I totally get what you are saying & going through. I am not happy in my marriage and I am still here. As crazy as it may sound, I "know" we won't be together forever. I am biding my time for now until I figure things out.
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post #49 of 162 (permalink) Old 07-29-2014, 09:35 AM
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Sorry if this is personal, but you keep saying he is perfectly happy. how is your sex life? Does he give any affection? If you are so miserable ,.. how can you reciprocate sex/intimacy?
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post #50 of 162 (permalink) Old 07-30-2014, 01:58 AM
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

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In my mind, I am already gone. Due to finances, I have nowhere to go. However I believe with all my heart that I won't have to leave him. The rate he is going with the liquor and his horrible health, he may not be here much longer.

Morbid, I know. But true. Reality isn't pretty.

What you're saying right now sounds so familiar. My husband is also a very functional alcoholic and I checked out of the marriage and ended up damaging it myself by being unfaithful and turning to binge drinking. You're a tough person for not falling apart. Stay strong!

Judging from my experience, you can't convince him to do anything he doesn't want to do.
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post #51 of 162 (permalink) Old 07-30-2014, 03:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Hello all.

I'm still here, all these months later, but have made up my mind lately that it's time to make a move. I'm miserable.

What's sad is that I think he's mostly happy. He sits in his man cave and drinks beer and plays games (and looks at porn) on his tablet and is content as can be. I sit alone in the house and spend time online, read books and go to bed early, usually alone.

He's been experiencing some ED and was appalled and offended by my gentle suggestions about seeing a doctor and having some blood work done. He mostly sleeps on the couch to avoid me and I lay in bed and cry. I don't think he's touched me in a month.

Then we get up in the morning, go to work then do it all again. Occasionally I escape by going out of town with some girlfriends and doing some shopping and maybe seeing a band, which also offends him, but he deals with it. It's almost the only fun I have.

I came dangerously close to entering an EA with an old friend after doing some messaging online, so had to cut off contact before it went too far. What's sad is that the interaction was wonderful and it made me realize that I'm extremely vulnerable to male attention. Scarily so. I've been a faithful wife for many, many years and don't want to go out THAT way.

I've spent this week psyching myself up to do what I know I have to do. I need to leave, and file for divorce. Oh God I don't want to tell him, he'll be crushed and I hate that. I really, truly hate to see him hurt, even after all of this.
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post #52 of 162 (permalink) Old 07-30-2014, 07:05 PM
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

I'm pretty pro-marriage, but in this case leaving is warranted. I also expect that you can reconnect down the road - but ONLY after he has realize all that you do for him, and that you don't deserve to be treated like his mother.
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post #53 of 162 (permalink) Old 07-31-2014, 07:59 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

I don't want to give the wrong impression about him.

He works very hard at his job, and when he comes home he puts in more time making sure our yard is immaculate, and he also does the majority of the cooking and grocery shopping, as he's much better at it than I am. There are those looking in from the outside who say I have it made.

This would all be so much easier if he were more of a jerk. 25 years of drinking has ruined my feelings for him... I feel pity and resentment when I look at him, but I still don't like the idea of causing him pain.
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post #54 of 162 (permalink) Old 07-31-2014, 08:10 AM
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Are you going to Alanon? This is a must for you.
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post #55 of 162 (permalink) Old 07-31-2014, 09:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

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Are you going to Alanon? This is a must for you.
I've tried it a few times, but never found a group where I felt comfortable. Maybe it's time to try again.
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post #56 of 162 (permalink) Old 08-14-2014, 04:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

I saw a new counselor yesterday, and I LOVE her. I think we're going to be a really good fit, and I've set up weekly appointments for the next few months to make sure there's no lapse in our sessions.

She said she senses how much I'm on the fence when it comes to leaving him or staying, and has assigned me the "homework" of creating a list of pros and cons for each, which I've already started.

I have no idea what the end result will be, but I feel more hopeful now than I have in a long time.
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post #57 of 162 (permalink) Old 08-14-2014, 06:30 PM
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No experience with alcohics or addiction, but kudos to you for making the effort and looking for the silver lining in your husband. It will be hard work but either way it is worth it. Wish you the best.

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post #58 of 162 (permalink) Old 08-28-2014, 11:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Update:

After three very productive IC sessions, my counselor recommends a trial separation with the hope that we can work on our marriage apart, since my continued presence in the home seems to indicate to my husband that the status quo is working out just fine. After all, I've stayed for 25 years now, why should he make any changes?

I'm very nervous about this. I have a place to go, as a family member has an empty apartment I can use at no charge, so that's not an issue. But I dread bringing this up to my husband with all of my being. My habit for the past 25 years has been to stick my head in the sand, save for the occasional "Come to Jesus" talk with him, which usually sets things on a more bearable path, albeit temporarily.

I have never left him before and since he's in an "everything must be awesome because she's not complaining" mode, this will probably come as something of a shock to him. Wish me luck, "the talk" happens this weekend.
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post #59 of 162 (permalink) Old 08-28-2014, 11:37 AM
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

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Update:

After three very productive IC sessions, my counselor recommends a trial separation with the hope that we can work on our marriage apart, since my continued presence in the home seems to indicate to my husband that the status quo is working out just fine. After all, I've stayed for 25 years now, why should he make any changes?
Right. Exactly what we said.

Good luck. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself.

IIWY, I would write out how you feel and why you're leaving. Sit on it, revise it, and then print it out. Get your stuff packed while he's not there, have it ready to move, ask someone else to help you move your stuff and to be there when you leave (preferably a male relative). As you get ready to leave, tell him you're moving out, hand him the letter, say 'this explains everything' and start moving the stuff. Please please try to get a relative to be there with you when you do it. It will help immensely to have someone there 'on your side.'

Last edited by turnera; 08-28-2014 at 11:45 AM.
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post #60 of 162 (permalink) Old 08-28-2014, 11:38 AM
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Quote:
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Update:

After three very productive IC sessions, my counselor recommends a trial separation with the hope that we can work on our marriage apart, since my continued presence in the home seems to indicate to my husband that the status quo is working out just fine. After all, I've stayed for 25 years now, why should he make any changes?

I'm very nervous about this. I have a place to go, as a family member has an empty apartment I can use at no charge, so that's not an issue. But I dread bringing this up to my husband with all of my being. My habit for the past 25 years has been to stick my head in the sand, save for the occasional "Come to Jesus" talk with him, which usually sets things on a more bearable path, albeit temporarily.

I have never left him before and since he's in an "everything must be awesome because she's not complaining" mode, this will probably come as something of a shock to him. Wish me luck, "the talk" happens this weekend.
Good luck. :-(. I remember how I felt leading up to my talks like that with my STBX. But you know what? The relief when it was finally out and the dread is dumped off your shoulders is immense!

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