Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #61 of 162 (permalink) Old 08-28-2014, 11:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

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Good luck. :-(. I remember how I felt leading up to my talks like that with my STBX. But you know what? The relief when it was finally out and the dread is dumped off your shoulders is immense!

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I feel like I'm about to take a plunge off of a cliff, or something similar. Absolutely terrified.

But I guess it's not supposed to be easy to leave, right? That's what commitment is all about. My counselor says she can tell that my commitment to the marriage is strong, but that doesn't change the mess we're in.

I've been on the fence about this for years, and it's exhausting. I believe I'll feel better once it's all out, but I suspect the process will be painful, and the work ahead of us daunting, with no guarantee it will be successful in saving our marriage.

I have to admit, I favor the idea of divorce more and more every day, but know that making one last push to save our relationship will give me the peace I need to make my decision, one way or another.
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post #62 of 162 (permalink) Old 08-28-2014, 12:03 PM
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

The other feeling I had was that rather than an end of a relationship (although there was that feeling too), the predominant feeling was that it was the first step in actually making things better for ME. Being stuck in a stagnant situation is awful, with no hope, often. By doing SOMETHING, you're at least moving.

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post #63 of 162 (permalink) Old 08-28-2014, 12:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

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The other feeling I had was that rather than an end of a relationship (although there was that feeling too), the predominant feeling was that it was the first step in actually making things better for ME. Being stuck in a stagnant situation is awful, with no hope, often. By doing SOMETHING, you're at least moving.

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I'm SOOO ready to feel this way.

I've felt my indecision spill over into the rest of my life, and I now struggle with making a move to do just about anything... I feel I stay preoccupied with my marital situation about 99% of my waking hours.

It's torturous.
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post #64 of 162 (permalink) Old 08-28-2014, 03:29 PM
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

I think your best step is to look at moving out as part of an attempt to FIX the marriage. Counselors often urge separation so that the two people can become un-entwined with each other, and figure out what their real thoughts and beliefs and wants and needs are. Once you're out, there's a great chance that while having to learn to stand on his own two feet without you enabling him, he has taken you SO for granted that he can't believe he did it to you.

Like my H literally can't understand all the stuff I do every day; to him, I barely do anything. He doesn't see the 20 to 30 chores I accomplish each day to keep HIS life easy.

With you gone, your H is going to have to face that. See all the ways in which you enabled him to not face his demons, ways you made his life great with no worries, allowed him to do what he wanted. It will take that kind of realization for him to finally respect you. Once that happens, it's possible to span a bridge across y'all's divide.

So be proud that you're the one taking a step to create a possible new, loving marriage. Of course, he may choose not to do anything. And that's fine, too. You'll be free to live the life you needed to.
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post #65 of 162 (permalink) Old 08-29-2014, 08:20 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

So... I guess it's to be expected, but my emotions are all over the place.

I find that when I'm home with him, there is a strong inner voice in my head, chanting "Don't do it. It's wrong. You can't possibly do this to your husband and family. You're going to be miserable. Stay!"

The minute my car leaves the driveway, another voice emerges as a cheerleader, saying "You can do it. You must do it. You deserve a happier life and this is the first step. LEAVE!"

I hope I can find the courage when I need it. This is going to be awful.
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post #66 of 162 (permalink) Old 08-29-2014, 08:22 AM
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Do you have friends or family who can help you get through it?

And you can always get back together. It's not like you're killing him and can never see him again.
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post #67 of 162 (permalink) Old 08-29-2014, 08:28 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

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Do you have friends or family who can help you get through it?

And you can always get back together. It's not like you're killing him and can never see him again.
I have considered sharing it with one of my best friends. At first I thought it wouldn't be fair to tell anyone else before I told him, but I believe I'm going to need someone in my corner telling me I can do it.

I'll see her tonight and I think I'll go ahead and confide in her. She's seen what I go through first hand and I know she'll support me.
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post #68 of 162 (permalink) Old 08-29-2014, 08:45 AM
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Excellent! I found out 30 years in that my mom always knew what kinds of problems I had with my H but, because I never flat out told her, she felt she wasn't allowed to bring it up. But she wanted to. So let your friend help you.
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post #69 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-02-2014, 07:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

I did it. I'm out of the house. It was painful and sad but it's done.

He took full responsibility for our problems, even though I assured him that it takes two and that I own my failures and shortcomings as well. He said he was fine with seeing my counselor, which surprised me as emphatic as he's been in the past about never doing so. Then he left, sad and teary-eyed, and I spent a sleepless night tossing and turning on a hard mattress in an empty apartment.

I'll see the counselor again Thursday and talk to her then about how she'd like to deal with the two of us. I guess the truly hard part begins now. Oh - and today I have to call our kids, who are all in their twenties.
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post #70 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-02-2014, 08:51 AM
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Don't be surprised if your kids are relieved. Or if they take sides. Don't take it personally.
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post #71 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-02-2014, 11:21 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

I contacted my therapist to inform her of the separation, and to let her know that my husband will be in touch to get counseling as well and hopefully work toward saving the marriage.

She then asked me "But what about you? Do YOU want to do the hard work required to try and salvage this relationship, or is your mind already made up that you're done?"

I was unable to answer her, because I truly don't KNOW. She asked me to think and pray about it today and get back in touch with her when I have a clearer picture of where I'm headed.

All I know is that I hate seeing him in pain and feel like I have to do whatever it takes to make him feel better. That's not right... is it?
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post #72 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-02-2014, 11:31 AM
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

No, it's not. Do some reading about why it is that women end up being the ones who hold relationships together, out of guilt, out of feeling like they have to mother/nurture/support the men, out of a woman's innate willingness to put herself last and even give UP what's good for her as long as everyone else is taken care of. It worked in caveman days, but it's no longer healthy.

Have you read the book The Dance Of Anger? I think you'd like it.
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post #73 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-02-2014, 11:36 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

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No, it's not. Do some reading about why it is that women end up being the ones who hold relationships together, out of guilt, out of feeling like they have to mother/nurture/support the men, out of a woman's innate willingness to put herself last and even give UP what's good for her as long as everyone else is taken care of. It worked in caveman days, but it's no longer healthy.

Have you read the book The Dance Of Anger? I think you'd like it.
Gonna load that on my Kindle right now. Thanks!
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post #74 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-02-2014, 11:46 AM
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

My IC re-recommends it to me every time I start getting weak again about taking care of everyone else first.
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post #75 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-04-2014, 11:15 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

*sigh*

He's asked me to go out of town with him this weekend, for a get-away. I don't feel like this is the right thing to do, so early in the separation, but I feel pressured not to let him down - he's been so distraught and during this discussion he seemed almost back to normal.

I can't even talk to my therapist about it since I let him take my appointment this week as there were no others available and he seemed to need it so badly.

What to do???
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