Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

User Tag List

 123Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #91 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-09-2014, 10:23 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Shimmer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 67
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Quote:
Originally Posted by PBear View Post
How the hell does he consume 1200 to 1800 calories in beer alone and still maintain a slim build?

C
Posted via Mobile Device
He has a very physically active job so I assume he's burning the calories there. He was also blessed with great metabolism, judging by the looks of his parents.
Shimmer is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #92 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-09-2014, 10:26 AM
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 35,179
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Next time he shows up drunk, USE your boundary and consequence, ok? Help him learn that it is unacceptable (and protect yourself from something you no longer have to accept). Show up drunk? This dinner is over. See you next Tuesday.
turnera is offline  
post #93 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-09-2014, 08:25 PM
Member
 
Pinkpetal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 56
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

I have just caught up with your thread Shimmer and want to say well done! BE PROUD OF YOURSELF. You've taken the first steps towards finding your own happiness. I think that's great!

Turnera is giving you great advice. Keep going. One day at a time. I completely agree that you must have your boundaries and consequences firmly in place Shimmer. H calls you or shows up drunk??? No way do you engage. You hang up or leave straight away. Remember, you separated to avoid that crap.

Now you start to show H the new, strong you. Teach him what he needs to be doing if he wants to be with you. You make him qualify himself, and make it clear that if he can't then you will be moving on. Although you just may find that the longer you are out on your own that you will start to look at him differently and find that you have outgrown him and his behaviour. Your perspective will change.

Absolutely confide in your girlfriend! Celebrate this change! I know it is terrifying, but it is also positive Shimmer. Something had to give. I know how hard it was for you to take that first step. Big hugs from me! Whatever happens, you are now at the helm and can control where you go from here :-)
Pinkpetal is offline  
post #94 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-10-2014, 08:40 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Shimmer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 67
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Thank you Pinkpetal.

Our dinner together last night was awkward. We struggled to make conversation, and I could see the panic in his eyes, the fear that this time I really am done. He bent over backward to be pleasant in every way he could think of. He reiterated that he hopes, prays and really feels this situation is temporary and that we'll be able to work things out. He was not drunk and said he's been working on cutting back.

Today I have another appointment with my counselor. I want to talk to her about that fact that so far, I don't miss him or his company in the least, although I miss the pets terribly. I'm not sure if that's significant or not?

I appreciate those of you who are hanging in with me and offering advice, it truly is helping.
Shimmer is offline  
post #95 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-10-2014, 08:54 AM
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 35,179
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Here's what I believe. Once you leave a person who's been hurting you, and he states he must win you back...let him. Give him a year. See if he keeps showing up every week for dinner and see if he shows you change. If he can do that for a full year, he's probably sincere and really wants you back. If, however, he starts backsliding, making excuses for not showing up, then you were probably a convenience for him and now you're 'too hard' to work for. I figure that, by the end of 3 or 4 months, you'll never see him again. And then you'll know and you can move on without regret.
turnera is offline  
post #96 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-10-2014, 10:23 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Shimmer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 67
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera View Post
Here's what I believe. Once you leave a person who's been hurting you, and he states he must win you back...let him. Give him a year. See if he keeps showing up every week for dinner and see if he shows you change. If he can do that for a full year, he's probably sincere and really wants you back. If, however, he starts backsliding, making excuses for not showing up, then you were probably a convenience for him and now you're 'too hard' to work for. I figure that, by the end of 3 or 4 months, you'll never see him again. And then you'll know and you can move on without regret.
He recently asked me for a timeline, and I told him that although I promised not to file for divorce for three months at least, that other than that I had no idea how long it would be until I made up my mind... could be 3 months, could be a year.

He told me that there was no way he'd wait a year, so I told him that of course I understood that and he should do whatever he needs to do. He's backed down from that stance since then.
Shimmer is offline  
post #97 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-10-2014, 10:27 AM
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 35,179
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Quote:
no way he'd wait a year
Wow, that's some love, ain't it?

As I suspected, you're a convenience.
turnera is offline  
post #98 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-10-2014, 09:03 PM
Member
 
Pinkpetal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 56
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

"He reiterated that he hopes, prays and really feels this situation is temporary and that we'll be able to work things out. He was not drunk and said he's been working on cutting back."

In my opinion "cutting back" is not good enough. Your H hopes that this situation is temporary because you have pulled his safety net out from under him. You have always taken care of him, worried about him and pretty much enabled him. He is most likely very confused right now because he had such a comfortable existence for such a long time. You are finally requiring something of him and he has no idea where to start or what to do.

Turnera makes a good point though - how much effort is H willing to make to keep you?? He has been extremely lazy up til this point. When someone wants something badly enough they are willing to pull out all the stops and do whatever it takes for however long it takes to get what they want, because it matters so much to them. Do you matter more than beer does to him?? If he is anything like my exH, once he adjusts to life without his safety net, he will eventually slide back into what he knows - beer. Pay very close attention to H actions over the coming months, not his words.

I think the fact that you say you aren't missing him at all is very telling. To me it means that you want more out of life and H isn't it anymore. What does your counsellor say?
Pinkpetal is offline  
post #99 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-11-2014, 09:52 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Shimmer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 67
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pinkpetal View Post
"He reiterated that he hopes, prays and really feels this situation is temporary and that we'll be able to work things out. He was not drunk and said he's been working on cutting back."

In my opinion "cutting back" is not good enough. Your H hopes that this situation is temporary because you have pulled his safety net out from under him. You have always taken care of him, worried about him and pretty much enabled him. He is most likely very confused right now because he had such a comfortable existence for such a long time. You are finally requiring something of him and he has no idea where to start or what to do.

Turnera makes a good point though - how much effort is H willing to make to keep you?? He has been extremely lazy up til this point. When someone wants something badly enough they are willing to pull out all the stops and do whatever it takes for however long it takes to get what they want, because it matters so much to them. Do you matter more than beer does to him?? If he is anything like my exH, once he adjusts to life without his safety net, he will eventually slide back into what he knows - beer. Pay very close attention to H actions over the coming months, not his words.

I think the fact that you say you aren't missing him at all is very telling. To me it means that you want more out of life and H isn't it anymore. What does your counsellor say?
My counselor says that before ANY real work can begin, he has to agree to stop drinking, and not for me, but because he knows he needs to. Otherwise, anything we try will be all for naught. I personally don't see him ever stopping, no matter how much he says he loves me. Even if he does manage to stop, I'm not sure I'll believe that it's permanent, but only a stopgap measure to get me back in the house.

She also says that we're not ready for joint marriage counseling yet, because neither my head nor my heart is in it at this time and it would be pointless. I'll continue to see her alone for a few more sessions and then we'll reevaluate.
Shimmer is offline  
post #100 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-12-2014, 12:13 AM
Member
 
Pinkpetal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 56
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

It sounds like you've got yourself a good counsellor Shimmer.

So has H taken any major steps at all towards stopping his drinking? Besides telling you he is cutting back, which is nothing more than throwing you some crumbs and making it sound as though he is making effort.
Pinkpetal is offline  
post #101 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-12-2014, 02:55 PM
Member
 
badmemory's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Alabama
Posts: 2,541
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shimmer View Post
I came dangerously close to entering an EA with an old friend after doing some messaging online, so had to cut off contact before it went too far. What's sad is that the interaction was wonderful and it made me realize that I'm extremely vulnerable to male attention. Scarily so. I've been a faithful wife for many, many years and don't want to go out THAT way.
Shimmer,

Good for you. Don't go out that way.

I rarely visit the R & A forum, but your situation caught my attention. Allow me to share a story.

I was very much like your husband once. Married about the same length of time. My wife was tired of my drinking as well - as she should have been. But she handled it differently. Instead of confronting me, she chose to display her resentment, withhold sex and to lead a separate life with her friends. She avoided me. This went on for a couple of years. Then I made the decision, on my own, to go to rehab; and I'll admit, my only reason was to save our marriage.

I completed rehab, got back in shape and stayed sober. Tried to be the best husband I could be. But there was still a problem. My wife's attitude and lifestyle didn't change much. The reason for this, as I found out a year later, was because she was having a 2 year affair with her best friend's husband. To her, she hoped it was an exit affair. But when I finally caught her, he threw her under the bus - at the same time I kicked her out of the house.

I thinks it's fair to say she eventually realized; THAT wasn't how she wanted to go out either.

We're in R now, and you can read my original thread if you want more details. But I just wanted to comment on how I admire the way you are handling this.

I wish you the best, no matter what you decide to do.

Last edited by badmemory; 09-12-2014 at 04:45 PM.
badmemory is offline  
post #102 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-12-2014, 05:20 PM
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Wow. I am amazed as I have read this. Word for word is me and my situation. I just joined this site and yours was the first thread I began to read. If this isn't a sign from God, I don't know what is. I can't reply anymore now as I have a 5 yr old to pick up and a 12 yr old at home, but I want you to know I am thinking of you and praying for you to have strength and courage throughout this process. I look forward to reading how you are doing on Monday.
1025MAB is offline  
post #103 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-14-2014, 08:50 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 191
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Hi Shimmer, I have been reading through your thread. The similarities between your situation and mine are many. I am married to a very functional alcoholic as well, and have been with him for 25 years. His poison is whiskey, and he doesn't sit home alone and drink every night after work. He always finds a buddy to drink with. Right now he is in the garage doing the "garbage". Always a couple buddies in there with him. Our yard looks good too. I am inspired by your strength in leaving, and understand your anxiety with his anger and desperation. If they could only let us go in peace, and work on sobriety instead of manipulation. I have one foot out the door, so my husband is "cutting back" as well. I think he has realized that he has no clue how to do anything other than the garbage and the lawn. I take care of all other responsibilities....groceries, cooking, housework, bills, 4 kids, etc, etc. I run this show, and I think he is starting to feel a bit nervous. My kids are younger, so I feel stuck. You never mentioned how your kids felt about you leaving. Did they know your husband was an alcoholic? Did they mention how it has impacted them? Were they aware of your suffering? Keep strong, and try not to let him break your peace with anxiety. At some point you have to start taking care of you. (I hope I can take my own advice someday)
neglected42 is offline  
post #104 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-15-2014, 10:35 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Shimmer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 67
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Wow. I cannot tell you all what it means when others identify with my situation. I battle the idea that I'm asking for too much, that my situation does not compare to those who are truly in a miserable, untenable relationship. True or not, I fight these thoughts daily and know that my husband surely takes this position. While I'm sorry that others are living this too, it definitely gives me the affirmation I need to keep going.

My weekend was mostly quiet. I worked around the apartment - as it was last updated in the 80's, this task most assuredly helps to keep my thoughts from racing. On Sunday I watched some sappy love story on TV and for the first time since I left, I had feelings of true sadness. I had been avoiding this but it crept up on me. Until now, I haven't given myself time to dwell on the fact that I am very possibly facing the end of my marriage. Yes, I agreed to decline from filing for divorce for 3 months and to give us time to work on things, but so far I'm not feeling it - I'm enjoying being alone. We're only 2 weeks into the separation though, so I'm trying to have an open mind.

He's becoming more desperate I think, and while he calls me less now, his questions and remarks have become more pointed. He's asked me twice now if I plan on dating or even talking to another man on a "friendly" basis, and I reassured him I'm not. I have absolutely no interest in anything like that, in fact, quite the opposite. As I said, I'm quite happy alone.

Tomorrow night bring another "date night". I can't say I'm looking forward to it, but I agreed to it and know that some continued contact is necessary if R is to remain a possibility. I'll be sure to check in afterward and let you all know how it goes.
Shimmer is offline  
post #105 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-15-2014, 10:41 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Shimmer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 67
Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Quote:
Originally Posted by neglected42 View Post
My kids are younger, so I feel stuck. You never mentioned how your kids felt about you leaving. Did they know your husband was an alcoholic? Did they mention how it has impacted them? Were they aware of your suffering?
The kids took it well, and I don't think it was a huge shock to any of them. Our middle son has mentioned to me more than once over the years that a divorce would not surprise him. The youngest used to get infuriated at him every so often and ask me why I hadn't left yet. They love him, but also recognize his failings and know what I have lived with.

All is calm now and I think everyone is acceptance of what may eventually happen, except for the husband, that is. :-/
Shimmer is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Am I being a doormat? ready to walk away. Smudgecat Considering Divorce or Separation 13 03-10-2013 06:29 PM
32 married for almost 16 years and ready to leave! idkwhat2do General Relationship Discussion 19 10-17-2012 10:43 AM
you are a married femal, when you walk in a mall or streets, do u check men out? Tourchwood General Relationship Discussion 10 05-04-2011 03:11 PM
Ready to walk away... marilee General Relationship Discussion 7 09-07-2010 01:52 PM
Has anyone been married to an alcoholic? pgk453 General Relationship Discussion 8 08-08-2009 04:39 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome