Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #106 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-15-2014, 10:49 AM
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

So has he actually stopped drinking?

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post #107 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-15-2014, 10:57 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

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So has he actually stopped drinking?

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Oh NO... only "cutting back". He had three drinks with dinner last week.
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post #108 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-15-2014, 11:13 AM
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

To me, that would be a condition of even "dating". No drinking. None. AA or therapy. If he's not willing to put in the effort, why bother going through the motions?

Are YOU in counseling?

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post #109 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-15-2014, 11:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

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To me, that would be a condition of even "dating". No drinking. None. AA or therapy. If he's not willing to put in the effort, why bother going through the motions?

Are YOU in counseling?

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I am, weekly. At some point it's supposed to switch from individual counseling to joint, whenever I'm ready, but so far I'm not. He on the other hand is desperate to begin joint counseling as he thinks this will begin to repair the marriage.
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post #110 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-15-2014, 11:29 AM
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I am, weekly. At some point it's supposed to switch from individual counseling to joint, whenever I'm ready, but so far I'm not. He on the other hand is desperate to begin joint counseling as he thinks this will begin to repair the marriage.
And are you following your counsellor's advice? They're recommending you date regularly, even while he continues to drink?

Is he in individual counseling?

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post #111 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-15-2014, 11:36 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

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And are you following your counsellor's advice? They're recommending you date regularly, even while he continues to drink?

Is he in individual counseling?

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She said she didn't see the harm in seeing each other, as long as I was on board with the idea. I can't really say I'm doing it because I want to, but because I promised him I would.

He went to one IC session with my counselor, which I asked her to do as a favor because he was such an emotional wreck when I left. She told both of us that long term, I was her client and she would like to refer him to someone else for IC, but he declined, saying he likes her and won't see anyone else.

At this point it looks like the only way he'll get any counseling whatsoever is if and when I agree to joint counseling sessions.
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post #112 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-15-2014, 11:45 AM
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

That would be another non-starter for me. He's probably using "liking her" as an excuse so he doesn't have to go to counseling and actually work on himself.

Again, to me... If he's not willing to put in the hard and painful work in fixing himself, there's no point to pretending it's fixable. It may not hurt you to keep going through the motions, but if you ask me, you're just preventing him from hitting rock bottom. Which is what he needs to do before he makes a serious effort to making changes.

Just my $0.02...

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post #113 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-15-2014, 03:07 PM
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

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Oh NO... only "cutting back". He had three drinks with dinner last week.
So if you meet with him again and he orders a drink...are you going to get up and leave? You know, cos you have boundaries now?
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post #114 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-15-2014, 03:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

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So if you meet with him again and he orders a drink...are you going to get up and leave? You know, cos you have boundaries now?
Good question. I have haven't talked to him lately about quitting, only implied it, as it's been an ongoing theme for a long time now. I guess I should be more specific about my wants.

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post #115 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-15-2014, 03:39 PM
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

All you have to say is "stbx, your drinking is why I left you. If you want to meet for dinner, you will have to respect me and not drink. It's your choice; if you don't want to make it through a dinner without alcohol, let me know and we will cancel the dinner tonight."
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post #116 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-15-2014, 05:19 PM
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Having "implied" boundaries rarely works well...

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post #117 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-15-2014, 07:25 PM
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

Especially when you're talking about an addict. They will NEVER stop unless given no other option. They'll fine every way possible to twist the situation to allow them to keep their addiction. Which is why I said - if you drink, I leave. No way to twist that.
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post #118 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-15-2014, 07:32 PM
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

I used to think I was a functional alcoholic. But there is no such thing.

When I drink I'm an ass. Plain and simple. I'm a binge drinker. I can go for years without and then BOOM! ....I'm a drunk zombie for a week or two. I lose friends, I alienate people, I trash what little rep I have.

My lifeline to normalcy is AA three nights a week and one on Saturday morning. Two sponsors and working my 12 steps every day. I fail often. But I am sober 10x as much as I'm drunk, so for now that is good for me.

Your husband won't change until he decides to do it for himself....not for you, not for the family.
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post #119 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-15-2014, 08:45 PM
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

I don't know if I would rush into marriage counseling. My husband rushed me into it, and although the counselor has really helped in getting my husband to control his temper, I did not have enough time to work on myself. I was rushed into trying to work on the relationship with a man who was "cutting down". (And then falling back into old habits, and hiding his booze). I really liked this counselor, and now I cannot go back to IC with him. If you are enjoying your time alone, I would carry on alone and keep getting IC. If he is having three drinks with dinner, he just doesn't get it. If you are seeing him just because you feel bad, maybe you should tell him you need some time alone to process things, and he needs some time alone to work on himself. You have lived with a man and his alcoholism for a long time, (as have I). It sucks all the love, respect, and affection right out of you. My husband doesn't "get it" either. I know one thing, there is no hope of rekindling anything until he does. Even then I don't know if there is any hope.
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post #120 of 162 (permalink) Old 09-15-2014, 09:03 PM
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Re: Married to Maybe the Most Functional Alcoholic Ever, and Ready to Walk

There's no point in MC if he won't go to AA first and STOP DRINKING.
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